Asking people to use my preferred name?

[Biancadelrioisback]

My first name is quite long and old fashioned so for the last 17 years I've been using a shortened version.
At work, everyone knows me and uses my shortened name (even clients) except for one colleague who refuses. She likes to use 'proper' names for people and refers to me by long name plus middle name as it 'sounds better'.
I've addressed this with her multiple times and with my manager as it royalty fucked up a negotiation with a client as they felt like they were being passed around.
All they say to me is "well it is your name so..."
I mean, yes, it is my name, a name I didn't choose. I ask to be called X instead. No one else has a problem!
My manager even suggested that I legally change my name. I certainly don't want to do that as it is a family name, it means so much to my parents and I quite like having a name and then a 'formal' name.
So AIBU to keep insisting they use the short version? I rarely answer to the long version as no one ever uses that.

I'd say this is a form of bullying from your colleague. Take it up with HR.

Call her Hyacinth (Bucket) tell her it suits her more... And as she can tell by your name you much prefer a nickname than to be full named... Less Dowdy.

No she does this with everyone

Somehow, I suspect that if a man had corrected her, she'd have listened.

Complain on the grounds of bullying, unfair treatment, even, harassment all in writing. Make sure the vomplait is formal and in wtiting and illustrates the damage this has done in the recent negotiations and how important presenting a unified image for the business is.
Her personal personal preferences regarding nicknames arenet relevant regarding name choices. Even more so in work settings. Have your name on work directories etc changed to your preffered name.
Say bullying is never acceptable..
Dont stoop to her level. Make your company deal with it.

My boss Richard used to twee-ify my name, think 'Dil-Dil'. So I used to answer 'Yes Dickie?' We thought it was funny. And he was nice, so I didn't mind.

If ignoring doesn't work, try answering her in a similar way, but get a bit of it wrong

Actually if you have Teams just @ ! her with a reminder of your name every morning.

That way she’ll get it every 2 minutes for 20 minutes. It’s a great way to piss people off

@Biancadelrioisback

Anyways regardless of that, it's just so frustrating! HR agreed that technically she wasn't doing anything wrong as it is my name.

It doesn't matter whether it's technically your name or not. You have asked her not to use it.

It sounds like HR are going for the easy life. Tell them that you want to start a bullying case. Ask for their procedures on bullying and take it from there.

@S00LA my details on all customer facing stuff (ie email address, email signature, website etc) is the short version. Our internal system is full names for everyone or full initials (annoyingly with middle name initials in there too)

I go by a short version of my name. My email address, sig etc are all my short name. My personal details for HR and salary etc have my long name. I'd ask your work to change your email.

No one calls me by my long name unless I'm being called out at the doctor's or something. And obviously when I deal with my bank or anything official I use my full name.

I think it's incredibly rude to not use your chosen name. Especially when you've made it clear that you want her to and have specifically asked her not to use your long name. Very odd indeed and I'd imagine just the tip of the iceberg with her!

@Biancadelrioisback

Thanks for all the advice. I'll definitely raise it again with her first, give her one last chance, then manager, then HR as a formal grievance.

Absolutely do this.

As a PP has said, what if you identified as a different gender, so your birth name is Peter but you are known as Jenny. I bet my house HR wouldn't tell Jenny that Sue can call them Peter as that is their name on their birth certificate.

Angle it like that and there is no way this will stand.

Ah, just saw your update. Even stranger!

My manager even suggested that I legally change my name. Pah hah hah! Who do they think they are? And why can't they just square up to a member of their staff?

Tell her – in front of others – 'I've asked you nicely and you won't do it. Now it's caused client problems. Please stop it.'
If she persists, go to your manager and point out the client problems to them. Ask them to sort it out. If they won't, tell them you will go to HR and raise a grievance if that's what it takes.

It’s really not on.

Correct her every time. And say “I have politely requested you call me xxx as is my preference, and you continue not to, you have to stop. I’m going to raise this as a grievance if you insist, consider this fair warning!”

Do you happen to know her middle name too? Maybe just call her by her full name every time you talk to her.

"Hello Mary Elizabeth Smith, how are you today?" "Could you sign this for me please Mary Elizabeth Smith" and so on. Either that or just ignore her and repeat "it's Jen" and don't reply til she gets it.

But yes, very rude and unnecessary.

I’d raise it with her again in writing and I’d copy in your manager and possibly HR.

Be polite but very clear. Don’t add any pointless details or explanations. The shorter the better.

Dear Annoying coworker.

Please do not call me or refer to me as XXXX again. Please always call or refer to me as XXXX. Please confirm that you have received this email

Regards
XXXX

Does she use everybody else's middle names too, or just yours? To be honest, whatever her reasoning, she just comes across as really simple. Can you assume this and patronise her when she does it in front of others? "Ah, bless, Mabel - you do struggle with remembering my name, don't you?! Is 'Sam' too long and difficult for you?"

Not that you should have to, but I'd approach HR and/or your boss - preferably in writing - and use the word 'identify'.

"Dear HR, I am formally writing to you to inform and confirm to you that I identify as XXX for all everyday communication purposes, and that my official name is only to be used for strictly official purposes such as wage slips, HMRC communications and bank transfers. Therefore, I hereby require everybody in the workplace to refer to me by my chosen identity with immediate effect. Could you kindly cascade this message to all employees and make them aware of my position on this and that it is my express requirement and not just advisory or volunrtary. I will be sure to make you aware if any employees, once they have been informed, nevertheless deliberately choose to disrespect my personal agency on this and discriminate specifically against me in this way."

Maybe give HR an informal heads-up as to why you're doing it - anybody who works alongside you will already know anyway - but if you use wording similar to that, it will likely give them a suden pause to think, understand the possible implications, and clamp down on her anybody persisting in doing this. She'll soon stop after a couple of times of being called into HR 'to have a word'.

I really wouldn’t bother with any of the pa type suggestions. It will end up making you look as bad as her.

@RomeoLikedCapuletGirls

Actually if you have Teams just @ ! her with a reminder of your name every morning.

That way she’ll get it every 2 minutes for 20 minutes. It’s a great way to piss people off

This is a great idea.

Make a formal complaint, if your boss won't deal with it raise a grievance.

I think when manager asked about me changing my name, they were more asking why I hadn't if I disliked my long name so much and didn't use it.

Almost an exact x-post with LUZON!

Imagine in a few years' time when all the Archie/Alfie/Freddie generation are at work. Some of them were given the shortened versions, some the full versions. This would blow your colleague's mind.

No she doesn't use everyones middle names, just some people if she thinks it sounds better. My first name and middle name are both long and old and odd, think Clementine Gwendolyn or something like that. She says it sounds more Romantic.

Email to all staff
Recently there was an incident with a client who was disgruntled because of a mix up with my name etc
All clients and staff address me as X but on this occasion a member of staff referred to me as Y and this caused confusion. Please make sure I'm addressed as X to avoid this happening again

Actually if you have Teams just @ ! her with a reminder of your name every morning.

Yes! And insist on sweetly introducing yourself every time you cross her path. She can hardly ask why you're doing that when you've worked together for a long time - or why you never do it to other long-time colleagues - when she's clearly the only one who ever 'struggles' with it.