To leave my cult-obsessed DP?

[Abbeywell79]

My first time in AIBU but I'm getting bugger-all response elsewhere so I've got my big-girl pants on!

Been with DP for 7 years, 2 toddlers, both knackered but we generally have a solid relationship. Same outlook on life (or used to), views on parenting etc.

When Covid struck, dp kept warning me about how we were going to be given a vaccine with a microchip and we were all going to be controlled etc etc.

We had a huge row about it, I said I didn't want to hear such nonsense and long story short, we agreed we wouldn't discuss it any more otherwise it was going to damage our relationship.

Since then, things have been fine on the surface. Day-to day life has resumed. However, because he hasn't had me to talk to about his worries, he's found a load of new buddies online and he is now a fully-fledged member of Qanon who spout all sorts including Satanism in Hollywood, child trafficking for organ harvesting to keep famous people looking good, lizard people in the royal family, 9/11 faked etc.

I only know this because I set up a fake account so I could follow his groups so I know what he is reading and sometimes what he posts within these groups. Otherwise I wouldn't have a clue as he appears to be the perfect partner/dad the rest of the time.

I can't see a way back from this. I always said I would give things until after the US election (when Trump will apparently save the world and 'all will be revealed') to see if it will improve but I think he is so far gone I've lost the man I fell in love with.

My options seem to be:

1. Stay with him. That way I get to keep an eye on the lunacy and ensure he's not trying to indoctrinate our children as they get older
2. Split up. We are about to move 200 miles away to be nearer my family and I was planning on staying with him until we did that then at least I have support. But then it would mean essentially kicking him out then will I lose my kids to him every other weekend? I don't want them travelling and then I won't be able to monitor what he's telling them
3. Keep it under review. DC aren't being affected by it yet so wait until they're older or until his mask starts to slip and he can't contain his 'secrets' any longer

All options seem pretty depressing.

Hope you are ok op. I wondered if you had given him the ultimatum by now. Does he know his behaviour threatens his marriage to this extent?

Any religion you care to choose is based on the most far fetched fantasy - did anyone really believe the story about Noah's ark or Adam and Eve? Or even that a Virgin gave birth? And yet spiritual leaders of every description are still revered in most countries, have hugely influential positions with societies and are placed far above most of society.

We have just been raised to have respect for the church, and in some/many cases people still believe these 'scriptures'

Just as a matter of FACT re past Labour Party leading figures

Sir Harold Wilson (later Lord Wilson) Prime Minister
Sir William Beveridge (one of the creators of the NHS)
Sir Clement Attlee (later Earl Attlee) outstanding post-war Labour PM
Tony Benn (born Viscount Stansgate)
Baroness Jennie Lee (woman MP, founder of Open University)
Baroness Barbara Castle
Dennis Healey (Lord Healey)
Roy Jenkins (Lord Jenkins)

etc etc

It has for a long time been the custom for Directors of Public Prosecutions (Keir Starmer's former appointment) to be made a knight or a dame. It simply goes with the job.

In fact, if the following report is true, only one past DPP has NOT been offered that title www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/12/29/alison-saunders-much-criticised-former-cps-chief-becomes-first/.

That the royal family are lizards is no less believable to me than babies coming out of virgins at Christmas.

But we don’t section religious people.

Anyway, Harry’s skin does look a bit dry right now

nancy I am not claiming to have experience with people that are in throes of delusions of this magnitude, I am simply drawing attention to the fact there is a world of difference between those that believe the vaccine is a danger and is untested /Trump is marvellous and a saviour to some and the RF being lizards from Mars!! A world of difference.

And yet when the OP told us straight that her husband believes the royal family are alien lizards, you seemed to be unable to grasp it. What part of her fairly simple sentence didn't you understand? Or is it that you didn't believe her? Maybe you need to keep an open mind and have a chat - terrible to dismiss like that.

Just to say when similar happened to my uncle many years ago it turned out he was suffering from severe paranoia as a result of a chemical or hormonal (I don’t recall which) deficiency. He was referred to a psychiatrist. He had a short spell as a voluntary patient on a psychiatric ward and has been well ever since on medication (which appears to have, thankfully for him very few side effects). He lived happily with my aunt for 40 more years after his diagnosis (she sadly died last year). He remains well now on a maintenance dose of his medication (an anti psychotic I believe). He very occasionally talks about how unwell he was. So please, if everything rise in your marriage is good, at least consider this before separating.

called

I agree on the mental health crisis front. Believing these things is not normal rational behaviour. I know there’s been a lot in the media recently about people getting swept up in all this so I don’t know whether there are support groups as such but I’m certain there’ll be advice on how to deal with him and his ‘beliefs’.

You might want to give him an ultimatum and set down that a) this isn’t normal b) you’re worried there’s other issues that this is masking c) you don’t like it d) you’re worried about the potential impact on your children and that if he doesn’t seek some form of mental health assessment or couples counselling then you will leave.

I take screenshots where I can but tbh what he posts isn't too ridiculous so the things he is posting aren't too far out there? Maybe he's just interested to read the other views re the royal family being lizards etc. but doesn't necessarily buy into them?

I'll give it to you that yes, he does sound an absolute nutter where (most) of the conspiracy conspiracies are concerned, BUT from what you have said, he is otherwise a good partner and a good dad, correct?

Well no, he's not allowing them access to media, films etc. And that's probably just the start. What happens when he decides that HIS children are at risk of being sacrificed for the elixir of youth and that therefore they need to remain at home at all times, under his supervision?

The religion example is both a good and bad one because there are various degrees of being religious. Personally, I don't think I'd ever have been able to marry someone religious but I guess it's possible that someone who generally believed in god and attended church might have been doable for me. But someone super religious who would then have wanted our children to be any combination of: circumcised/girls to dress "modestly"/ no sex before marriage / strict segregation of rules for male and female family members/ prayer, church or other activities that take up significant portions of time etc would be an absolute deal breaker.

Oh, and the Boris Johnson is more authentic than Starmer thing is hilarious! And for the record "Sir" starmer was awarded that for services to the State - since when did people who did good work for the people of this country and get rewarded by the queen become a problem? FFS, I'd have thought that we'd want more "normal" people to get these sorts of awards.

I'm sorry OP. It's difficult when a loved one suffer from delusions. I had a good friend I unfortunately had to stop seeing as she got more and more into weird cult stuff and "visions", angry when challenged and refused mental help.
It's not about different opinion in this case - I mean just where is the logic behind that the royal family being space lizards? He isn't well.

Nobody owes morons like Qanon or you 'facts and evidence' after they have just had a miscarraige. You arnt the renegade truth seeker you seem to believe and I think if conspiracy nuts could actually see how looked down on they are they might pack it in.

[quote Abbeywell79]@Babycham1979 The problem is that it is having an increasingly negative effect on our lives, and I'm concerned that it is going to get worse.

We can no longer watch the news (fake), films (evil), or go anywhere that requires face masks (pointless). If I want to do any of that it's on my own. The vaccine issue will come up soon and there is no way we will agree on that.

Any spare moment he has is sat scrolling through his phone lost in his little world.

So maybe I was incorrect in saying that day to day life has carried on as normal. He is already distancing himself. As I said, he's with us but he isn't 'present'.[/quote]
Well he sounds like he a mental health issue then.

I know some one who is a bloody flat earther and owns three very profitable businesses. Not all people that believe weird stuff ‘check out’

Bloody hell op I could not live under the same roof as someone who spouts such garbage and I would not want them influencing my children.

Personally I'd leave it to review, but if it affected the children in any way then i'd run for the hills. He sounds mentally unwell.

[quote SadSack39]@Friendsoftheearth

The only reasonable response on this thread .. im quite shocked actually how quick its labelled a mental health crisis because it doesn't fit the norm[/quote]
It is not reasonable it is intellectually dishonest. I don't think this man necessarily has mental health issues but some beliefs are just dangerous and vile and to waffle on about trying to see the other side implies a worrying ignorance about the other content involvedin these forums. Unless you are a OK with racism, homophobia, misogyny etc. Maybe you are...

@SpaceOP

Oh, and the Boris Johnson is more authentic than Starmer thing is hilarious! And for the record "Sir" starmer was awarded that for services to the State - since when did people who did good work for the people of this country and get rewarded by the queen become a problem? FFS, I'd have thought that we'd want more "normal" people to get these sorts of awards.

I know! His PR machine really has done a number on some people...

It is not reasonable it is intellectually dishonest. I don't think this man necessarily has mental health issues but some beliefs are just dangerous and vile and to waffle on about trying to see the other side implies a worrying ignorance about the other content involvedin these forums. Unless you are a OK with racism, homophobia, misogyny etc. Maybe you are...

Wow what away to try and shut some one up .. to accuse them of being racist, homophobic and a woman hater when they’ve not posted any such thing. Guardian reader by any chance?

[quote Boredbumhead]@BertiesLanding machine readable nanoparticles then. Bioluminesant particles that can be read by a smart phone like a vaccine tattoo. Semantics.[/quote]
I'll adopt the same tactic I do with my relative, then: "Thank you! Good to know!"

Is he not allowed to have his own opinions or things that he focuses on? Let him believe what he wants to believe.

You could report him anonymously to Prevent- via 101 non emergency police number. They seek to save people from radicalisation. It might help him to see he’s been brainwashed.

Look when reason leaves the building there's no point. I was away on holiday once with a friend who had a psychotic break. She went from a fairly mild belief in something untrue (a food allergy) to thinking she had this in a life threatening way (believe me I would know if this was true) to full on unable to eat or function and in the end someone there helped me have her sedated and gave her enough Valium to take to leave early, after about 5 days of it escalating. She then saw a psychiatrist who put her on meds and has been fine since. Fortunately she's intelligent and self aware enough to know that even though she fully believes in this allergy she was also very unwell.

I reasoned with her for days. It made no difference. Even now she thinks she has this allergy and will be severely at risk so has epipens. But if she had it she would have had numerous attacks by now, as there's no way this isn't in food or where food is cooked/prepared.

However she was able to recognise she was unwell. You might be able to get him into the MH system (such as it is) if he agrees he's unhappy, depressed etc rather than talking about the beliefs.

I think trying to talk about the issues themselves is a losing game and you need to get him in front of a good psychiatrist. It's likely he will need pretty heavy drugs though just to warn you.

@Joeblack066

You could report him anonymously to Prevent- via 101 non emergency police number. They seek to save people from radicalisation. It might help him to see he’s been brainwashed.

Wtf

I love him very much, but he's not the person he was a few months ago. He's changed. So I don't know what my feelings are for him at the moment which is why I'm focusing on being practical and yes, it has meant I'm having to remove some of the emotion. My priority is our children and keeping them safe and ensuring they have a happy future, ideally with a family intact.

Thanks for answering @Abbeywell79. Is he willing to have a conversation about how he’s changed and how worrying that feels for you? A conversation that stays away from the particulars of what he believes (so that he doesn’t veer off into trying to justify or convert you to the conspiracy stuff), but focuses on the effect that it’s having on your marriage - that he’s not present with you and the kids when he’s on his phone all the time, that you’re worried about the distance between you created by how he’s changed, that you’re concerned for your marriage, that you’re concerned that he is having a mental health crisis?

If he is willing to engage with you and consider the effect this is having, I wonder if he’d agree to take a break from reading this stuff for eg a month, and commit to spending quality time with you and the family? Maybe a break from it all would help him see the lunacy and cultishness of it, which he can’t when he’s mired in it, iyswim? Also, maybe you setting out plainly how much this is affecting you may give him a jolt and get him to look at what is pushing him towards this stuff (eg anxiety about the current situation/welfare of the family/job or financial worries, etc), which he’s subsuming into all the Qanon stuff because that makes it easier to deal with?