To leave my cult-obsessed DP?

[Abbeywell79]

My first time in AIBU but I'm getting bugger-all response elsewhere so I've got my big-girl pants on!

Been with DP for 7 years, 2 toddlers, both knackered but we generally have a solid relationship. Same outlook on life (or used to), views on parenting etc.

When Covid struck, dp kept warning me about how we were going to be given a vaccine with a microchip and we were all going to be controlled etc etc.

We had a huge row about it, I said I didn't want to hear such nonsense and long story short, we agreed we wouldn't discuss it any more otherwise it was going to damage our relationship.

Since then, things have been fine on the surface. Day-to day life has resumed. However, because he hasn't had me to talk to about his worries, he's found a load of new buddies online and he is now a fully-fledged member of Qanon who spout all sorts including Satanism in Hollywood, child trafficking for organ harvesting to keep famous people looking good, lizard people in the royal family, 9/11 faked etc.

I only know this because I set up a fake account so I could follow his groups so I know what he is reading and sometimes what he posts within these groups. Otherwise I wouldn't have a clue as he appears to be the perfect partner/dad the rest of the time.

I can't see a way back from this. I always said I would give things until after the US election (when Trump will apparently save the world and 'all will be revealed') to see if it will improve but I think he is so far gone I've lost the man I fell in love with.

My options seem to be:

1. Stay with him. That way I get to keep an eye on the lunacy and ensure he's not trying to indoctrinate our children as they get older
2. Split up. We are about to move 200 miles away to be nearer my family and I was planning on staying with him until we did that then at least I have support. But then it would mean essentially kicking him out then will I lose my kids to him every other weekend? I don't want them travelling and then I won't be able to monitor what he's telling them
3. Keep it under review. DC aren't being affected by it yet so wait until they're older or until his mask starts to slip and he can't contain his 'secrets' any longer

All options seem pretty depressing.

@Abbeywell79

Have you considered speaking to your GP/his GP about this as frankly it sounds as though he's having a mental health breakdown?

@Joeblack066

You could report him anonymously to Prevent- via 101 non emergency police number. They seek to save people from radicalisation. It might help him to see he’s been brainwashed.

what are you on

I usually advise to take yourself away, go to mums, friends to bring the partner up short. What transpires after that much needed break will be a more sensible decision.

@Friendsoftheearth

I think you need to examine your own rigid thinking, because debating conspiracy theories and even believing in some of them is not as uncommon as you think. Closing down the debate simply because you think it is BS smacks of someone not even able to consider different viewpoints. You might think it is far out and stupid, but not everyone has to agree with your world view. Listening to him, gently challenging and debating different ideas and theories is not indulging his fantasies or cult op, it is being intellectually flexible enough to know there are many strange things in the world, we don't have all of the answers - we never will, and some of the forums will simply be entertainment or your dh may be up completely taken in with it all.

You should also examine why you are so frightened by a different way of thinking, and challenge your own prejudice and pre conditioned ideas.

So Bill Gates is really funding a vaccine so he can insert microchips in all of us?

Oh please.

(And Covid is a lie, which apparently all the medical professionals are conspiring together about)

You only need to be Open Minded for about 5 seconds for some of this stuff.

@Friendsoftheearth

unmark are you feeling okay??? You sound worse than op's dp! Perhaps you are a case in point. I am simply saying if he has other values then hear him out, if he is saying the royal family are lizards then she has a (very big) problem! That is about the strength of it!

I believe there is a place for all views, and everyone is entitled to their POV full stop, what is so controversial about that?! We live in democracy - and there is room for everyone.

No.

Some things are too dangerous (anti-vaxxers for example) to leave unchallenged

Not everything is live and let live.

@BewilderedDoughnut

Is he not allowed to have his own opinions or things that he focuses on? Let him believe what he wants to believe.

Really?

Totally batshit views that he can inculcate his children with?

@Nanny0gg it depends how you define ‘batshit’. I think Christianity is insane. Look at Born Again Christians! They’re mental but people tend to let them live their lives.

Nope I'm sorry but nannyogg is indeed using the correct technical term, Batshit.

It's totally insane and he needs MH treatment before it gets much worse.

I think you need to examine your own rigid thinking, because debating conspiracy theories and even believing in some of them is not as uncommon as you think. Closing down the debate simply because you think it is BS smacks of someone not even able to consider different viewpoints.

There is so much wrong with this. I hardly know where to begin. People who believe conspiracy theories do not ‘debate’. Debate is about listening to other points of view, sharing information, reflecting on that new viewpoint and taking it in to see how it compares with previous thinking. Good healthy debate is wonderful. It starts with two people with an open mind and crucially, ROBUST thinking.

We do not ‘debate’ with another about whether the earth is flat or it is round. That is not debateable. Many things are so extreme that they are not worthy of been called viewpoints. Such as accusing celebrities of horrible things based on no evidence whatsoever. Also not worthy of debate are facist, racist, homophobic or misogynistic views. I do not want to debate whether women are better off as subservient to men. It is not just a different viewpoint, it is an attack on others. These are dangerous, extreme accusations about people in the world that often lead to dangerous, extreme actions.

Look up how a pizza parlour in America was attacked by a gunman! Was that just the result of no one debating with him that it was ok to have the ‘point of view’ that the pizza place was the centre of horrible crimes? That is not a point of view. It is an accusation of the utmost seriousness and those pizza workers nearly lost their lives.

I'd suggest he see a councillor or something. This is just crazy and I think it's some type of mental breakdown.

I completely disagree, there are all kinds of things that I vehemently disagree with - eating animal carcasses is nothing short of barbaric to me, I find it utterly revolting and inhumane - but I am still willing to listen to those that preserve their right to talk about eating meat and those that enjoy eating it. The slaughter, suffering and destructions of millions of innocent animals upsets me on such a deep level, and yet I do not take that right away from others by insisting I am right and they are wrong. The fur industry is beyond repellent! But people still walk around in fur, I don't shut them down.

We can't become the kind of country that has so little tolerance that we remove the ability to even listen to them.

Obviously op does not need to stay with someone that believe the RF are lizards, that is not my point. My concern is where does it stop if we start to close down everything we don't agree with, where does it stop?
So although conspiracy theorists are not something I would want to be part of, I still would listen politely and consider what they are saying regardless.

If it was happening to someone that would usually never ever go for things like CT, I would be concerned about their state of mind.
We all know people that enjoy CT and that kind of thing, and you know what, that is their choice. Thankfully we don't live in a country where our own thoughts and expressions/interests are censored, but I can see it would have some support going by the posts on here! You may not go for the lizard theory, but you can't stop others questioning the merits of such a thing!

Thing that, OP, you may think that he is thick because he reads that stuff but so and you for keeping your ignorant views, for example. Not everything what conspiracists tell us is lies. You just have to be able to filter the information. There is truth on both sides.

Also just to point out I don't mean you have ignorant views. It's just an example that both of you could be wrong.

banana You can't cherry pick democracy, we are either entitled to free speech and debates include all sorts of things that may cause discomfort or we no longer have free speech. You can't have it both ways. We are all different, with values that range widely - and what might be repellent to me, might be interesting and worthwhile for you. Why would your feelings be more worthwhile than mine? Or vica versa.

We should have debates about anything and everything - it is how we learn, how we moderate our own views, educate ourselves and others. Understand different views. It is vital in any healthy democracy.
We can't do that with censoring the debate. No way.

[quote BewilderedDoughnut]@Nanny0gg it depends how you define ‘batshit’. I think Christianity is insane. Look at Born Again Christians! They’re mental but people tend to let them live their lives.[/quote]
If Christianity causes no harm then I don't mind.

If it imposes itself on my life to a degree I haven't asked for or want, then I do mind.

We’re not closing down free speech though, are we? I mean the CTs have free rein to air and discuss their views anyplace and anywhere - quite a few of them are on mumsnet.

Most of us do in fact listen to all kinds of views including right, left and centre. There’s a very good podcast called ‘Making Sense with Sam Harris’ who is a conservative with conservative views, but the difference is that his arguments are intelligent and well thought out, not a load of bull crap about the democrats eating babies, Bill Gates’ evil master plan or Tom Hanks being a paedo.

Incidentally, I see that QAnon are now telling breastfeeding women that they’re sexually abusing their babies! You couldn’t make it up. These people are absolutely hatstand.

Almost everyone on here agrees that you should move op, so I hope you are making plans to do that and you will feel much happier closer to your family and friends. Best of luck!

banana You can't cherry pick democracy, we are either entitled to free speech and debates include all sorts of things that may cause discomfort or we no longer have free speech.

I don't think democracy requires anyone to stay married to people who spend on their time on the internet discussing how the royal family are made up of shapechanging lizards.

@Friendsoftheearth

banana You can't cherry pick democracy, we are either entitled to free speech and debates include all sorts of things that may cause discomfort or we no longer have free speech. You can't have it both ways. We are all different, with values that range widely - and what might be repellent to me, might be interesting and worthwhile for you. Why would your feelings be more worthwhile than mine? Or vica versa.

We should have debates about anything and everything - it is how we learn, how we moderate our own views, educate ourselves and others. Understand different views. It is vital in any healthy democracy.
We can't do that with censoring the debate. No way.

Actually democracy is cherry picked. Yes we’re allowed to argue about Brexit, public spending , various political issues. And we can protest if we want to. But we can’t debate whether black people are inferior, or whether gay people should be allowed to vote. Those views are considered so offensive as to be beyond debate. So actually democracy doesn’t mean free speech for everyone on all topics.

He’s allowed to have his personal views, as are you. Leave him if you don’t like his opinions, you can’t force him to change his mind.

Can we talk about this ? How in the world is this even being allowed to happen? This is what I call crazy and batshit as well and to be honest a dangerous cult under the guise of religion again!! It’s an article from today.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/news.sky.com/story/amp/nearly-400-church-of-england-figures-convicted-of-sex-offences-against-children-report-finds-12091598

[quote anon2334]Can we talk about this ? How in the world is this even being allowed to happen? This is what I call crazy and batshit as well and to be honest a dangerous cult under the guise of religion again!! It’s an article from today.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/news.sky.com/story/amp/nearly-400-church-of-england-figures-convicted-of-sex-offences-against-children-report-finds-12091598[/quote]
Of course we can talk about that, anon. It's not as if any of it is news. We have known about this for decades. Same for child sexual abuse in the Roman Catholic Church.

That doesn't make the Pizzagate stuff any less ludicrously implausible, though.

@TeddyIsaHe I think we may have the same MP...

Are you the last person in the world to find out about massive child sexual abuse in churches?

He sounds like he needs counselling. There is a great deal of detachment from reality going on there - then again watch The Social Dilemma and you'll see he's not alone. Please get some serious help.