To leave my cult-obsessed DP?

[Abbeywell79]

My first time in AIBU but I'm getting bugger-all response elsewhere so I've got my big-girl pants on!

Been with DP for 7 years, 2 toddlers, both knackered but we generally have a solid relationship. Same outlook on life (or used to), views on parenting etc.

When Covid struck, dp kept warning me about how we were going to be given a vaccine with a microchip and we were all going to be controlled etc etc.

We had a huge row about it, I said I didn't want to hear such nonsense and long story short, we agreed we wouldn't discuss it any more otherwise it was going to damage our relationship.

Since then, things have been fine on the surface. Day-to day life has resumed. However, because he hasn't had me to talk to about his worries, he's found a load of new buddies online and he is now a fully-fledged member of Qanon who spout all sorts including Satanism in Hollywood, child trafficking for organ harvesting to keep famous people looking good, lizard people in the royal family, 9/11 faked etc.

I only know this because I set up a fake account so I could follow his groups so I know what he is reading and sometimes what he posts within these groups. Otherwise I wouldn't have a clue as he appears to be the perfect partner/dad the rest of the time.

I can't see a way back from this. I always said I would give things until after the US election (when Trump will apparently save the world and 'all will be revealed') to see if it will improve but I think he is so far gone I've lost the man I fell in love with.

My options seem to be:

1. Stay with him. That way I get to keep an eye on the lunacy and ensure he's not trying to indoctrinate our children as they get older
2. Split up. We are about to move 200 miles away to be nearer my family and I was planning on staying with him until we did that then at least I have support. But then it would mean essentially kicking him out then will I lose my kids to him every other weekend? I don't want them travelling and then I won't be able to monitor what he's telling them
3. Keep it under review. DC aren't being affected by it yet so wait until they're older or until his mask starts to slip and he can't contain his 'secrets' any longer

All options seem pretty depressing.

@Mintychoc1

All the people telling OP she should stay with him because he’s a ”good man” - what would you say if he was a kind, caring husband, good father, conscientious employee, supportive partner - but happened to have extreme racist views on the quiet? What if he never spoke about his views, but if asked would swear blind that all ethnic minorities were inferior scum who shouldn’t be in this country? Would that be OK? Because he was just experimenting with belief systems and it didn’t affect his day to day life?

This. With bells on.

40 years ago you people would have all been saying: "he may be a racist but he's tired and he works hard. Can't you cut him some slack?"

You can't have a rational debate with these people. You can't have a conversation, you can't parent with them.

A conspiracy theorist is a bad parent. They won't guarantee safeguarding your children's health and they won't support them in a rational way to critically assess information. You have a responsibility to get your kids away from their influence.

I'm really slightly disturbed by the people on this thread going "aw poor man what about his mental health".

Well it sounds like MH issues. Move and see what support you can get him. If you split he can stay nearby and at least you'll have fsmily etc.

This isnt your problem to solve and it will take specialist intervention. However I wonder whether getting him more involved with family life (yours after you move) plus all of the distractions that moving brings means that maybe he will be too busy to be so active online.

Plus you may be able to facilitate some contact with nice normal men who will gently rubbish his ridiculous ideas - men listen to other men, and do not listen to women. So older male family members can maybe take him under their wings. Friends and friends husbands too. He sounds lonely. And like he has far too much time to think.

Keep him busy and make him useful at home too. Maybe he feels a little lost? Like he has no purpose?

If none of that works then get him help if you can. But moving is an absolute no brainer. He's clearly fallen off the edge of the earth a bit - there's a lot of it about right now.

A lot of the theories have a grain of truth that’s how they are able to take hold. When people found out Bill gates held a convention in October last year about how New York would deal with a new Corina virus pandemic and having senior key members of the emergency services and Amy there it just fanned the flames. The event was called Event 201, it’s website is still up and it’s on YouTube. So yes I can absolutely see why people think ‘wait that’s a bit weird..’

Well, actually, no. Because lots of scientists have been warning that a global pandemic is likely to happen and that governments should be more prepared. And governments themselves were making plans etc. The problem for governments is that a) they only planned for one kind of pandemic and b) they didn't actually follow their own plans and preparedness. Eg the UK's plan, put in place I think about 10 years ago, included stockpiles of PPE which were supposed to be checked and renewed periodically.... well, that didn't happen and so they were caught wrong footed.

So no, there's nothing in the slightest bit suspicious about Bill Gates thinking about this and doing his bloody best to raise awareness.

I'm really sorry op. This must be awful, you think you're on the same page then this! If he's a QAnon truthers there will be absolutely no reasoning with him. If anything I think rational arguments play into conspiracy theories like this.

It's not just some mad belief about the moon landing or if elvis is still alive. It's going to effect your lives. For example with the vaccination. I really don't think this is something you can just ignore. Also lots of the Q anon stuff is associated with very right wing ideas. Do you want to be around that?

So many people must be going through this at the moment. This whole Qanon thing is so batshit it's hard to believe anyone falls for it but the group leaders are clever, they prey on people's fears and insecurities, it's online grooming, really!

Have you tried mentioning the group in passing at all? Like 'Oh God, not more Qanon loonies' or something, just to see how he reacts? It sounds like he's a nbit too immersed in it and he's not hearing any opposing rationale.

Moving closer to your family is great timing. Hopefully he'll come to his senses a bit but if he doesn't and you do separate I think you will need to speak to a layer and SS with reards to contact, especially if you think it's affecting his MH.

I really do feel for you, OP. It's clear that you have a level head on your shoulders and are prepared to put the children first so hopefully it will work out ok.

If you listen to Sky and the BBC or any news outlet you can hear the propaganda pouring out with real hate for Boris Johnson and the British government, they have been going at it for months/years now, only pausing during the peak of the pandemic.

There seems to be a very coordinated worrying campaign to undermine the government as much as possible, it would rattle anyone who considers that the BBC agreed to be impartial many decades ago and are anything but now. Even if you absolutely hate the tories, this has got to be viewed as a real concern. It means we no longer have a neutral, balanced and impartial news service. That disappeared with brexit. How on earth has that been allowed to even happen?

There are other worrying developments too, China is a worry not because of organ harvesting, I have no idea about that - but because of their human rights record is truly going to pot with the concentration camps with millions of innocent muslims being held captive for no reason, their aggressive tactics in the South China Sea - their hostile takeover of Hong Kong. Nothing at all is being done about that, if Biden gets in we have no hope - I hate Trump as well - so it is a choice between two geriatric men both that are extremely weak makes me feel like sobbing. Women are being mutilated to stop them having children in China is utterly barbaric.

Then we have covid, the WHO did cover up a great deal of what was happening in China, and they have behaved appallingly and dishonestly. How is that we still do not know where the virus came from? Why are China still welcome as a member of WHO given their refusal to allow visits from international medical teams?

When you look across the whole world, and you see what is evolving it is no wonder that some people are turning to forums to make sense of what they see. What they sense is something is very wrong.

I am not making excuses for your dh op, really I am not, but there is a very worrying picture emerging - there does seem to be some things that are happening in the world that are creating really anxiety among the worlds populations. Maybe anon and people like her are sensing a very strong feeling, a lack of ease, that something not quite right is happening to us all, and we might be the ones that have got this wrong op.

The world is changing right before us, we are in a transitional phase now - and it is very uncomfortable for some people.

Just FYI there's a really good reply all podcast from last week on QAnon where they basically get into the origins of it and that it's just lots of people rather than one Q.

“Anti Semitic” point of no return?! Is that chart thing for real?

So because I doubt the moon landings happen, I am anti Semitic?

This why the world is fucked. You can’t discuss anything now without horrific terms being labelled.

Read what I said about the quantum dot vaccine research partly funded by Bill Gates. Most intelligent people would be a little sceptical and want to read a little further. And that makes the psychopathic and also anti-Semitic?

I think the drooling far left are as dangerous as the Qanon lot to be honest.

Op you need to be very careful. Your dp is a human being and can think what he likes. Why are you trying to control him and his thoughts? You don't have to think the same to have a respectful relationship. It worries me you are planning to move then dump him. How extremely calculating.

@Friendsoftheearth you can have a critical viewpoint and exercise some critical thought without being a QAnon nutter though.

Also I think a lot of the lack of transparency re China is not WHO it's China itself. Governments have always exercised this tyoe of behaviour and spin. This doesn't mean there is a conspiracy.

And anyone who things the WHO isn’t complicit in a massive cover up as to
the origins and severity of covid is as delusional as any psychopath. If the WHO has done its job, we could have acted much quicker and prevented the spread to
begin with.

I’m amazed people think covid didn’t begin in a lab. Those Chinese scientists that disappeared? They haven’t gone on holiday.

QAnon sounds a bit batshit to me but no more batshit that than the people who don’t question anything.

Brief summary. Some vaccines being developed by Moderna are looking at incorporating nanorparticles. It is part of the human 2.0 agenda being promulgated by people like Elon musk and the desire to eventually link people up with the 'Internet of things as devices could read these nanorparticles externally ,.' it sounds sci-fi but is genuine agenda for some futurists out there.

If you listen to Sky and the BBC or any news outlet you can hear the propaganda pouring out with real hate for Boris Johnson and the British government, they have been going at it for months/years now, only pausing during the peak of the pandemic. I think that is funny about the BBC, they let Johnson and his cronies spout rubbish and barely challenge them, Newsnight seems to be the only exception and I think they are boycotting them, they never seem to have anyone available to talk to them. They were much more anti Corbyn than Johnson.

OP that sounds really worrying, do you think it might be worry about covid that is causing some sort of MH issue? I would be loathe to break up an otherwise happy marriage but I can see how uncomfortable it must be. It is worth waiting a few months to see how he is if we get a vaccine and covid is under control?

I do feel for you but tbh the real deal breaker would be if he turned into a different man and refused to let your kids get vaccinated.

@malificent7

I do feel for you but tbh the real deal breaker would be if he turned into a different man and refused to let your kids get vaccinated.

Healthy children don’t need a Covid vaccine.

DH had an episode like this. The GP put him on ADs for anxiety and he's back to normal.

OP. before this thread gets overtaken by conspiracy theorists, just wanted to say I think your husband needs mental health support from a professional provider and you need to safeguard yourself and your children.
Can you get some counselling yourself to help you find some practical solutions? Horrible thing to have to go through but it does sound as if family support would be very beneficial for you right now.

Also you're confusing cults and conspiracies! Two very different things.

ancient I will be careful to not derail the thread with politics. I don't see any balanced reporting anymore. There seems to be a serious agenda quietly operating. We never hear a single negative word about the complete lack of direction of the Labour party, Starmer is able to sit on the fence about brexit, covid and all the rest without ever being challenged. How is it we have even have a MC titled man running the labour party? Surely the roots are WC. Again there is no real representation. Fake politicians are littered all over Westminster from both sides.

I am only saying that the actual world is somehow even weirder in some ways than the ridiculous conspiracy theorists, I am alarmed by what is happening....if I had the time I would study this area in some detail, because some of the developments we are now seeing should be disturbing to anyone paying attention.

I’m amazed people think covid didn’t begin in a lab.

Why? The 1918 Flu pandemic was traced back to pigs in Kansas. MERS and SARS originated in animal populations. This is a well known and well researched phenomenon. See also Avian Flu. What evidence is there to contend that COVID-19 is any different, especially given how closely related it is to the MERS and SARS viruses? Maybe you should read up on Occam's Razor?

In terms of things to listen to that might be able to help see a path forward, the New York Times did an amazing series called Rabbit Hole that traces how one man got sucked into extremism and conspiracy theories--and then how he worked his way out again.

www.nytimes.com/column/rabbit-hole

It's a podcast but really wonderfully done. It gave me some hope, at the end.

@Friendsoftheearth you're actually an idiot. This isn't an alternative world view. It's an actual cult. "Do your research" although I'm fairly certain you already have.

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. I also have a qanon person in my life. If you have a read of the qanon casualties page on Reddit I found real comfort in it and in knowing I wasn't alone. There are some great books you can read by Stephen Hassan on cults and lots of other resources on that page. Honestly I got a bit obsessed with saving my q person and am giving it to the election to see if it changes. It's so so hard to live with. The utter insanity that comes out of their mouths and every conversion being about trump or the evil baby eating democrats. Feel free to DM me if you need someone who understands to talk to.

I haven't read everything yet. But going off the first post...

I think it is very shitty of you to move 200 miles away to then dump him and leave him homeless.
It's sly and so is your behaviour online following him.

malificent7

The vaccine will not be given to anyone under the age of 18 anyway. The only people receiving the vaccine next year will be those over 50 and those with certain health conditions. It will not be a blanket vaccine for all in any event.