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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Got rid of friend

159 replies

Flute56 · 06/10/2020 07:24

For a long time I have felt the need to vent to a friend about the way our friendship was going. It was very one sided and I tried ignoring her which didn't work because I was always tempted to make contact which I did. One day something just snapped and I felt I just could not go on. She was cold and unfriendly and I decided enough was enough, so I decided the only way forward was to email her and tell her how unhappy I was with the way things were. I felt this was the only to put closure on a really one sided non existing friendship.

I do not feel bad about it, but each time I contacted her and got a cold responde, it just brought it home to me that I do not want or need that sort of person in my life. Now I know there is no way I can ever be tempted to contact her because she knows how I feel and it is up to her to contact me to either explain herself, or to agree that we should go our different ways. I have not heard anything back and wrote to her two days ago. Maybe she needs time to process what I said and is thinking about what to say, or she has indeed not read my email because she sometimes does not read her emails for a day or so.

Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? I suggested we meet up because we had not met since lockdown in March and she was less than enthusiastic so I just decided to call it a day and I have no regrets whatsoever. Other friends of mine make time for me, support me, suggest we do things so it is really her loss

OP posts:

ColleagueFromMars · 06/10/2020 10:55

You do sound like that friend, the one who always has drama. It does also sound like she was getting fed up with you for whatever reason, especially in your update.

I haven't always been proud of my behaviour in friendships that were going sour, although I haven't ever stooped low enough to send an email listing my friend's faults - that is an awful thing to do to somebody and it's very hard for anybody to see you as the innocent party as a result of that.

The fact that you couldn't keep yourself from contacting her shows an awful lack of boundaries on your behalf - and even after a spiteful nasty final email you've still not got your closure because your expecting her to respond.

Has anything happened since March twentyfuckingtwenty that might mean she's got other shit going on in her life than dealing with a needy, drama queen friend? Most people's lives went sideways fast in March and not everybody is back to normal. I am vulnerable and carer for vulnerable parents - I have many local friends who I still have not seen at all since the outbreak of the pandemic, in fact that's most of them - and dear, dear close friends who I've literally only seen once for a chat in a garden with masks.

Please for both your sakes, move on. This friendship is well and truly over. Perhaps in time you will reflect and decide on other ways you could handle a situation like that in future.

MinaMurray · 06/10/2020 11:01

I have done something similar to this OP, although I was about 11 or 12 at the time. In retrospect, it wasn’t a good way for me to deal with the situation and it’s not something I’ve done again as an adult.

Sending an email like the one you describe is a very final way to end a friendship. Even if you wanted to, it would be very difficult to resurrect a friendship after that. And it makes things unnecessarily awkward if you end up in a position where you bump into her or have to interact socially with her.

Maybe she’s not been putting any effort into maintaining your friendship because she didn’t really want to be friends any more, maybe it’s because she’s got a lot of other stuff going on, but either way, I wouldn’t expect a response from her.

So I’d advise you to try and move on from this. It’s done now, so stop dwelling on it and stop looking for a response from her.

KarmaStar · 06/10/2020 11:19

Your post makes no sense whatsoever in your contradiction of what you say you want.
It's like you're constantly poking her waiting for some big reaction.
Leave her alone and get on with your life.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 06/10/2020 12:13

I have been the ex-friend in this situation. I’d realised a long-term friendship really wasn’t working and tried to step back. When I did, I got a series of messages saying I was ‘snubbing’ him and that I obviously had a problem with him. It all came to a head when he sent me a long, abusive message because I didn’t invite him on a night out. (It was with a group of people from school - we didn’t go to school together.) I’d had enough - I hit block on every channel. It took three days before I got a voicemail trying to play down the whole thing as a ‘little spat’. He’d obviously just wanted a big dramatic confrontation. Three years on, he’s still pestering mutual friends (or more accurately, friends of mine he added on Facebook after meeting them through me) asking them to pass on messages. Way too late.

IrmaFayLear · 06/10/2020 12:20

This is one of those situations when it would be invaluable to hear the friend’s side of the story.

Some people do not want to be friends or continue friendships. You have to accept that. You cannot make someone be friends with you.

TeamLannister · 06/10/2020 12:21

She clearly didn't want to be your friend but you wouldn't take the hint. Comes across a bit stalkerish.

OldEvilOwl · 06/10/2020 12:21

Stop contacting her!!!
You sound like you want an argument

Ireolu · 06/10/2020 12:24

Why be friends with someone who has been a sick to you repeatedly. Move on and enjoy your life...

Original poster

Flute56 · 06/10/2020 12:45

I have no intention of making contact anymore. She had nothing positive to contribute. I have other frirends who actually want to do things with me. We go shopping together, phone one another. These people actually give me the time of day

OP posts:

Elsewyre · 06/10/2020 12:46

This sounds insane for a grown adult.

It reads like a child pretending, email ffs

Sundries · 06/10/2020 12:53

@Flute56

But why then are you expecting her to contact you? Why did you feel the need to 'vent' in your email in the first place, if it's all so cut and dried? Why even start the thread if you have 'no regrets whatsoever'?

No further action on your part is needed. You've ended the friendship.

Yet you say

it is up to her to contact me to either explain herself, or to agree that we should go our different ways. I have not heard anything back and wrote to her two days ago. Maybe she needs time to process what I said and is thinking about what to say, or she has indeed not read my email because she sometimes does not read her emails for a day or so.

Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it and what was the outcome?

Surely there is no further 'outcome' to come, unless you're still longing for her to beg you to return to the friendship?

Original poster

Flute56 · 06/10/2020 13:25

I would not return to the friendshi is she crawled to me on her hands and knees, She is too boring for me.

OP posts:

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/10/2020 13:30

@Flute56

I would not return to the friendshi is she crawled to me on her hands and knees, She is too boring for me.

Well, she clearly isn't going to, so happy days!

Mrsjayy · 06/10/2020 13:30

Emailing was a bit formal imo but she doesn't need to explain herself you made yourself perfectly clear, maybe you gave her a get out it didn't sound like a pally friendship at all. Just leave it move on and feel sad for a bit that it wasn't the friendship you thought. I wouldn't answer you either if I had received that email.

SoupDragon · 06/10/2020 13:37

Good lord - it just gets worse!

daisychain1620 · 06/10/2020 13:43

@TeamLannister

She clearly didn't want to be your friend but you wouldn't take the hint. Comes across a bit stalkerish.

I agree with this statement. It sounds like she's been trying to distance herself from you for a while but you don't like that, didn't take the hint and are now calling her name's because she doesn't want to be your friend. I think you're being a bit weird, move on. I wouldn't have sent any email.

Sundries · 06/10/2020 13:47

@Flute56

I would not return to the friendshi is she crawled to me on her hands and knees, She is too boring for me.

So why the drama? From your posts she was the one who started withdrawing from the friendship long before you did. Isn't it likely she's just said 'Phew!' and put it out of her mind?

PS. For someone who is so boring, you seem to have gone to a lot of trouble to keep contacting her over time, before this last flourish...

Bluesheep8 · 06/10/2020 13:49

She is too boring for me.

So why are you still talking about her on here then?
Seriously, I don't see why she would respond to an e mail detailing her faults as a friend and stating that you want to end the friendship. She is doing as you asked. How boring of her.

workhomesleeprepeat · 06/10/2020 13:52

Why are you expecting a response? Sounds like you ended the friendship formally and she thinks that’s fine. Why would she need to respond?

Sounds like you want her to grovel and beg for your friendship, but I do think that’s going to happen. Enjoy your time with your other friends and forget about her, sounds like she is happy to forget about you

Bluesheep8 · 06/10/2020 14:01

This reminds me of someone in a work situation handing their notice in and expecting their manager to beg them to stay....then getting upset when their notice is willingly accepted.

workhomesleeprepeat · 06/10/2020 14:02

^dont think that’s going to happen

Fffing autocorrect

Sexykitten2005 · 06/10/2020 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

workhomesleeprepeat · 06/10/2020 14:11

@Bluesheep8

This reminds me of someone in a work situation handing their notice in and expecting their manager to beg them to stay....then getting upset when their notice is willingly accepted.

My dad has this once lol! His employee made a bit of a drama about wanting to leave because he felt undervalued/overlooked, and when my dad said “alright then, off you go” employee was very aggrieved and said he was going to sue my dad

needless to say my dad paid him his notice and the suing didn’t happen

AzraiL · 06/10/2020 14:12

It sounds like, after not getting the reaction from her that you wanted you sent the email hoping to incite any kind of reaction.

I doubt you'll get one. In fact, your email probably just reaffirmed for her why she's been trying to let your friendship die a natural death in the first place.

It actually sounds like she was attempting to grey-rock you, hoping that by being as deliberately neutral and boring as possible she would eventually shake you off.

And your subsequent responses point to her having very good reason to do this, I'm afraid.

Brokenchair1 · 06/10/2020 14:13

Flouncers corner is that way

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