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Original poster

Got rid of friend

159 replies

Flute56 · 06/10/2020 07:24

For a long time I have felt the need to vent to a friend about the way our friendship was going. It was very one sided and I tried ignoring her which didn't work because I was always tempted to make contact which I did. One day something just snapped and I felt I just could not go on. She was cold and unfriendly and I decided enough was enough, so I decided the only way forward was to email her and tell her how unhappy I was with the way things were. I felt this was the only to put closure on a really one sided non existing friendship.

I do not feel bad about it, but each time I contacted her and got a cold responde, it just brought it home to me that I do not want or need that sort of person in my life. Now I know there is no way I can ever be tempted to contact her because she knows how I feel and it is up to her to contact me to either explain herself, or to agree that we should go our different ways. I have not heard anything back and wrote to her two days ago. Maybe she needs time to process what I said and is thinking about what to say, or she has indeed not read my email because she sometimes does not read her emails for a day or so.

Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? I suggested we meet up because we had not met since lockdown in March and she was less than enthusiastic so I just decided to call it a day and I have no regrets whatsoever. Other friends of mine make time for me, support me, suggest we do things so it is really her loss

OP posts:
rosamacrose · 06/10/2020 08:08

"therewearethen*
Just what I was thinking...

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 06/10/2020 08:09

You sound like a bit of a nightmare if I'm honest. You're expecting her to come running after you've basically sent a list of everything you find lacking in her. Leave her alone and find new friends. Be kinder to them.

Roselilly36 · 06/10/2020 08:09

Friends that are hard work just aren’t worth the hassle, some friendships last a lifetime some are transient and not meant to last. I used to put up with a lot from friends, cannot be bothered now, if it’s not fun why bother.

MsKeats · 06/10/2020 08:10

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

I tried ignoring her which didn't work because I was always tempted to make contact which I did

Why can't you just stop contacting her?

That's not ignoring her then is it.

You've written to her. You contact her and she is being cold and distant -she doesn't want to be friends. Now you've written and said a list of issues from your side -from hers, maybe she would write -you keep telling me a list of what you hate about me, you then keep contacting me -leave me alone. Also you say she didn't reply within 2 days.........FFS you should have no expectation of a reply. It's not the law to reply to a letter listing all your faults. Leave the poor woman alone.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 06/10/2020 08:12

She's probably relieved. Forget it and move on.

You were friends and now you aren't.

Bbq1 · 06/10/2020 08:13

I think if you're expecting a reply, then you'll be waiting a long time. You've made your position and feelings clear so why would she contact you? You've achieved your goal of telling her how you felt so move forward. I did a similar thing with a former friend years ago now. There was a lot more to the situation but I put my feelings down on paper expecting it to clear the air. Instead, I received a curt reply saying we needed space, wishing me well etc. Neither of us contacted each other ever again and that was 9 years ago. It was difficult initially but I don't regret it and i moved forward. You need ti do the same.

GinWithRosie · 06/10/2020 08:15

Fuck me! You sound totally deranged! Who does that?? Seriously?? Who sends emails to friends telling them how shit they are...then expects them to respond? You are quite strange...and your friend is obviously breathing a massive sigh of relief right about now to be shot of you 😱

Coffeecak3 · 06/10/2020 08:18

My bil put a very public message on sm telling me my worth, or lack of it, I didn't reply and I will only see him at unavoidable family events in future.
You were foolish to list her faults, did you really expect a reply?

Chillyourbeans · 06/10/2020 08:21

Lol you're not my estranged friend are you? For twenty years she made unreasonable demands on my time and emotions without ever returning the favour so I started to distance myself. In response, she posted numerous times a day on Facebook about how important real friends are, complete with little passive aggressive winky face emojis. I drew back even further. She messaged me and told me she only wanted friends who placed her at the centre of their world. I blocked and I've never looked back. In my experience, it sometimes those who shout loudest about how a friend isn't there for them that are in fact the truly shit friend.

Seymoursyourfriend · 06/10/2020 08:25

The relationship had obviously run its course. Is there any reason why you felt the need to email ex friend with a list of her failings? Couldn’t you have just let the friendship fizzle out?

Why do you think ex friend owes you an explanation? It very much sounds as if she realised the friendship was over and was expecting it to fizzle. It is perfectly normal for friendships to end. Why are you intent on confrontation?

AfterSchoolWorry · 06/10/2020 08:31

Why do you think she was your friend??

It sounds like she wasn't interested in friendship but you refused to accept that!

Out someone acts cold ad's avoids you that means they don't want to be friends with you.

redcarbluecar · 06/10/2020 08:32

Do you want a reply/resolution to this? I think if you felt that the email was 'closure', then you may not need a response. If the friendship's been genuinely one-sided, maybe she's relieved to have an official 'get-out'.
What was the friendship like at its best?

Original poster
Flute56 · 06/10/2020 08:33

Just to be clear, the friendship has ended. I have other better friendships but I just wanted to know how others dealth with a similarl situation

OP posts:
BoggledBudgie · 06/10/2020 08:36

So you repeatedly contact a person who’s very clear they don’t want to speak or see to you, yet you’re angry at them? Hmm

LunaNorth · 06/10/2020 08:37

Yeah, my friend of thirty odd years standing did this to me. Apparently I wasn’t making enough effort in the friendship.

I was going through a divorce at the time, and had a full time job that was making me ill with stress.

I’ve not spoken to her since. It was about seven years ago now. She’s tried crawling back a few times, but she can fuck off.

FlapsInTheWind · 06/10/2020 08:38

You sound about 14.

Adult friendships are different to how you describe really though OP. People get faded out a bit like your ex friend has done with you. It's normal but heated emails are not exchanged because then if 18 months later you meet at a party or something you can just ask how the other is and be polite. She might have something going on in her life that means she can't manage friendships on any level currently. You need to go with the flow a lot more and not take things so personally. I have several people that I have been much closer to in the past and consider them aquaintances only now but in a social setting I would say hi to them, not let on much about myself and smile and nod. You get far more out of life with this sort of attitude. Grow a thicker skin.

eaglejulesk · 06/10/2020 08:40

I think you need to accept that the friendship is over, and stop contacting her or expecting her to contact you. One sided friendships don't work, just forget about her.

Littleideasbigbook · 06/10/2020 08:40

My friend of 20 years sent me a dramatic message saying I 'had gone too far' and that she was blocking me on everything. I had no idea what I had done so I posted about it on here. I decided to go with the motto 'If in doubt, say nowt' as she has previous for mental health issues, abusing people verbally via text message and generally wanting attention. I am now receiving strange calls in the early hours from random or unknown numbers. This is her getting drunk and trying to provoke me into a response. She isn't getting one.

I am not going to feed my friends issues. She sent a clear message that she doesn't want to be friends with me and if she has a problem with me, that is her problem. I know myself and I know I didn't do anything to her apart from maybe not give her enough attention, but with my 3dc's, a full time job and studying for a PhD that is something that any normal person would understand. We are adults, not school children. This is about her.

OP this is about you. You really do sound like my friend and tbh people do not enjoy friendships where the other person makes unilateral decisions based on drama and act like a wounded child seeking out attention to fulfil an unmet need. Leave her alone now and get on with it.

Flittingaboutagain · 06/10/2020 08:45

Personally I would not send a list of faults I would just stop contacting the person. I guess you can now mourn the friendship if it feels like you lost someone who was once a good friend and focus on friends you do still have. I really would consider though could you do anything differently next time.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 06/10/2020 08:46

Just to be clear, the friendship has ended
Yeah...I think she had already made that clear and you were late to the party.
I would reflect on how you've behaved in this situation to prevent anymore of your friendships ending in the same way.

Seymoursyourfriend · 06/10/2020 08:46

Just to be clear, the friendship has ended. I have other better friendships but I just wanted to know how others dealth with a similarl situation

There you go. The friendship has ended. Draw a line under it and get in with your life. That’s how other people deal with it.

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/10/2020 08:47

If you have no regrets and don't feel bad about it, why are you holding on for a response?

I think you could have saved a lot of drama if you'd had an honest talk with her about your feelings at an earlier stage rather than trying to ignore her, getting back in contact yourself and other things. It still might have spelled the natural end of things but it would have been a cleaner and more honest path to it.

I had a difficult friend years ago and one night she sent me a very long and rambling text, the upshot of which was that she wanted to end our friendship. I'd been feeling much the same way so I wasn't surprised or especially sorry, had nothing to add so just carried on. Soon after she sent me another message, wanting to know why I wasn't replying, fishing for a response. That actually pissed me off. We were no longer friends, I didn't owe her an answer and I wasn't interested in feeding the draining drama cycle that had got us to this point in the first place. I ignored it but she kept on so in the end I blocked her.

Finish things if you want to, but don't pretend to finish them just to enjoy the drama of resurrection attempts.

MimosaFields · 06/10/2020 08:49

I wouldn't respond to an email like that. What's the point? You've told her what you think and she's probably finally breathing relieved that she's got rid of you.

The friendship was clearly not suiting either of you so there's no need for drama. An answer to that email would only stretch that conversation unnecessarily

gamerchick · 06/10/2020 08:51

I doubt you'll get a reply. There's nothing worse than a very needy friend who likes to tell you you're doing friendship wrong.

Let it go, it's done and she won't give you what you want.

It's one of those times I would like to hear the other side tbh. Sorry OP. Try to put it out of your head now and focus on your other friends.

HandfulofDust · 06/10/2020 08:52

I think perhaps you're giving this way more of your time and energy than it deserves. It sounds a bit like maybe this person already felt the friendship had run it's course and wasn't encouraging you to contact her/him in the first place. Them not responding to your email also confirms this. I would just accept this as a friendship which is no longer right for either of you and move on.