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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Got rid of friend

159 replies

Flute56 · 06/10/2020 07:24

For a long time I have felt the need to vent to a friend about the way our friendship was going. It was very one sided and I tried ignoring her which didn't work because I was always tempted to make contact which I did. One day something just snapped and I felt I just could not go on. She was cold and unfriendly and I decided enough was enough, so I decided the only way forward was to email her and tell her how unhappy I was with the way things were. I felt this was the only to put closure on a really one sided non existing friendship.

I do not feel bad about it, but each time I contacted her and got a cold responde, it just brought it home to me that I do not want or need that sort of person in my life. Now I know there is no way I can ever be tempted to contact her because she knows how I feel and it is up to her to contact me to either explain herself, or to agree that we should go our different ways. I have not heard anything back and wrote to her two days ago. Maybe she needs time to process what I said and is thinking about what to say, or she has indeed not read my email because she sometimes does not read her emails for a day or so.

Has anyone been in this situation and how did you deal with it and what was the outcome? I suggested we meet up because we had not met since lockdown in March and she was less than enthusiastic so I just decided to call it a day and I have no regrets whatsoever. Other friends of mine make time for me, support me, suggest we do things so it is really her loss

OP posts:
Angelina82 · 06/10/2020 08:57

Your friend hinted enough that she didn’t particularly want to be your friend anymore. You should have just bowed out gracefully instead of continuing to pester her. I bet she’s relieved as fuck after reading your email.

Florencex · 06/10/2020 08:59

YABU. People change, friendships change, a lot of friendships are not meant to be forever. If you really wanted to terminate the friendship, it would have been better to let it slide naturally, as it sounds like it would have anyway. I think what you really wanted to do was provoke her into action, sadly I think that is unlikely to happen. You need to really move on.

CaptainMyCaptain · 06/10/2020 09:01

I think you have been over dramatic. You should have just stopped contacting her. I wouldn't reply to an email like that, she's probably glad to be shot of you, to be honest.

MaryBerrysChutney · 06/10/2020 09:01

@Flute56

Just to be clear, the friendship has ended. I have other better friendships but I just wanted to know how others dealth with a similarl situation
By not giving it too much headspace and moving on. Your response to this has been pretty juvenile. All you had to do was quietly cut off the ties. If you did have to write to her, write and forget. Why expect a reply? what do you want to hear? She may write back and say: Thank You for finally getting the message. What will you do then?
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/10/2020 09:05

How else did others deal with it? Not like you. I got the message that I was not needed and moved on without feeling the need to send critical emails.

BumbleFlump · 06/10/2020 09:17

I am all for ditching crappy friends however I do think putting it in an email is perhaps a tad dramatic. Nevertheless if she was an old friend and you just wanted to be absolutely clear about how you were feeling, no harm done I suppose. I don’t expect she’ll respond but even if she does don’t reply - just put it behind you now x

Derekhello · 06/10/2020 09:17

This all sounds very high school...and as pp have said she’s probably relieved

Peachy1381 · 06/10/2020 09:19

You ask how others deal with things like this?

Others deal with these things by moving on and minimising the drama. If you don't want to be friends with someone anymore that's fine, relationships run their course. Not all friendships last forever.

When someone seems cold and unfriendly it can be because they want to distance themselves from you. It sounds like you might have been more emotionally invested than she was.

As others have said, don't expect a reply. Your messages probably came across as needy and critical and whatever the rights and wrongs here, that's not going to warm her to you.

Learn from this and move on.

Friendsoftheearth · 06/10/2020 09:21

You are looking for an apology, and for her to change her ways and meet up with you and be a decent friend (in your view)

I think you will have a long wait.

She is very unlikely to want anything further to do with you after your email.

Perhaps the next time you have a problem with a friendship it might be better to talk in person or by phone; it allows a two way discussion about the things that are going wrong, and find an agreement. Sending an email is quite final, and if you feel she is not worthy of your time and energy you have done the right thing.

CanICelebrate · 06/10/2020 09:21

I know you say you ‘got rid‘ of her, but maybe she was already trying to ‘get rid’ of you, hence why she was not getting in touch or wanting to meet up!

fassbendersmistress · 06/10/2020 09:26

This happened to me. I received an email from a friend telling me she was ending our friendship.

I was ultimately relieved though as she she had such high demands for the friendship, it was so hard to keep up. When I had a chance to reflect, we were not a good match as friends. She didn’t have a big circle of friends (she dropped several in the yrs I knew her) and was an only child. I have a large circle of friends and come from a big family. I couldn’t keep up with what she wanted from the friendship (a lot of time and attention) and she ‘let me go’. I wasn’t entirely blameless, I could have managed her expectations better.

I did reply to her email but only to address some of the nasty things she said (blaming my mental illness which was honestly not justified) but I kept it short, civil and let her know that I agreed we should part ways.

OP, accept the friendship is over and move on gracefully.

Witchend · 06/10/2020 09:27

On the basis:
I tried ignoring her which didn't work because I was always tempted to make contact which I did

then I suspect she'll be heartily relieved if you stop contacting her. I suspect she has a list at least as big as yours about you, and has been hoping you'd stop contacting her ages ago.

She's probably blocked you with relish.

Marylou62 · 06/10/2020 09:31

That you Laura?

Beautiful3 · 06/10/2020 09:34

You need to forget her and move on. Stop contacting her.

Friendsoftheearth · 06/10/2020 09:41

Laura???

rorosemary · 06/10/2020 09:43

@Flute56

Just to be clear, the friendship has ended. I have other better friendships but I just wanted to know how others dealth with a similarl situation
By not contacting anymore. Sending nasty emails and asking for responses is very childish.
Original poster
Flute56 · 06/10/2020 09:47

On a couple of occasions she was very short with me on the phone. I then got an email saying sorry I was short with you, there was no excuse for my behaviour reaally but it happened time after time until I had enough and blew up.

I am never going to contact her again and we no longer mix in the same circles so bumping into her will not happen unless I bump into her in the supermarket

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 06/10/2020 09:52

Sorry but she clearly isn't interested in a friendship with you and you've not been taking her hints. As a PP said, the relationship has run its course and now you've given her the out she was looking for. You won't hear from her again.

ShebaShimmyShake · 06/10/2020 09:52

@Flute56

On a couple of occasions she was very short with me on the phone. I then got an email saying sorry I was short with you, there was no excuse for my behaviour reaally but it happened time after time until I had enough and blew up.

I am never going to contact her again and we no longer mix in the same circles so bumping into her will not happen unless I bump into her in the supermarket

Well this is part of the issue...you shouldn't sit on things until you "blow up". You should address them before they reach that stage, because if you act like everything's fine, people could be forgiven for thinking that they are.

Then if you do decide to pull the plug, pull it. Don't use it as a head game to try to bring it all back again. If you see her in Tesco, social distancing and masks will make it easier than ever to avoid her.

Do you actually want to end this drama?

Chickychickydodah · 06/10/2020 09:54

She’s doesn’t want to be your friend, move on

LoveEatYoga · 06/10/2020 10:02

I get the impression you want something from her even if it's an apology or acknowledgement, which I understand, but you probably won't get it.

You say the friendship is over but you are waiting for a reply. If you just wanted to end the friendship then you would have just stopped contacting her.

I completely understand why you feel the way you do but I think you need to be honest with yourself about the situation so it doesn't keep bothering you.

BrummyMum1 · 06/10/2020 10:09

If someone wasn’t putting any effort into being my friend I would either think a) they didn’t want to be my friend any more and I’d take the hint or b) they were going through a tough patch.

Neither scenario would end in me sending a shitty email saying how bad a friend they were.

whatsyournamenow · 06/10/2020 10:22

OP she is justifiably not going to respond. Move on.

seayork2020 · 06/10/2020 10:30

If someone annoys me or upsets me that much I just stop contact then move on, I don't feel the need to email/contact them I just stop.

'Closure' is lack of contact so I would just stop

BlueJava · 06/10/2020 10:46

I don't understand what the problem is that you need help with.

You had a friend, you now don't like her. You distanced yourself, you emailed her telling her why you didn't like her. She hasn't replied and has kept a distance. Surely if you don't like her then that's what you want?

You come across as pretty unreasonable about this tbh. Perhaps just leave her alone entirely as I feel she could be upset by your chasing.