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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed on husbands birthday?

161 replies

Bellsandwhistle · 04/10/2020 16:21

I booked a lovely seaside restaurant to go to after a walk nearby. Told him the plan yesterday and he agreed. Wet here all morning but dried up by 2pm. I said let’s go in 15 min everyone get coats etc and be ready. He told my son he could call for a friend to go out and play - I said no you can’t as we are headed out. He then told my other son he could watch a program - again I said he we need to leave in about 15 min and he said he could still watch it. So son still watching program, husband still sat on sofa and basically there’s no point now. I’m quietly fuming!! AIBU?!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 04/10/2020 22:38

Yes OP.

But it's NEVER to late to lead a better life.

Don't waste your realisation......act upon it.Flowers

LadyMinerva · 04/10/2020 22:58

OP I know it's hard but the longer you stay the more likely it is that your boys will treat their partners like the same because it's normal to them. You are allowing that to happen.

There will likely be some kick back at first but you'll get through it and you will be so happy.

This will have been going on before your husbands father and will continue for generations. You need to be the one to break the cycle.

This man does not deserve you and your boys future wives don't deserve to be treated this way either.

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 23:31

This man does not deserve you and your boys future wives don't deserve to be treated this way either.

So, so much this. Let this power you.

HannaYeah · 05/10/2020 01:07

I know loads of people will tell you to leave, but only you could make that decision, and it’s not the right one for every situation.

You are obviously are a very thoughtful, intelligent person and fantastic mother.

Nikori · 05/10/2020 01:23

I think it’s just so emotionally draining being with someone like this. You don’t even realize the effect it’s having on your mental health.

One thing you said is that people don’t know how he is. This is rarely true. Outsiders generally can see the truth better than you can. Your friends and family can probably already see him for the man he is and worry about you.

KatherineJaneway · 05/10/2020 07:10

Fuck. I should have left years ago shouldn’t i?!

Yes

but that’s a massive thing and would def cause years of fighting.

Better that than the role model they have a home.

dontdisturbmenow · 05/10/2020 07:34

I would hate it if my OH acted like you.

You booked something without asking him whether that's what he wanted. Then suddenly decide there and then that everyone has to go NOW.

This inflexibility on my birthday would have wounded me up. The last thing I would want for my birthday is being told what to do and when.

Maybe he wanted to go a but later and do a shorter walk, kid being able to have a friend to make it less boring for him, but it had to be the way you wanted it.

That would have put me off going to dinner.

Battytwatty · 05/10/2020 08:05

@dontdisturbmenow.
Have you read the whole thread or just the opening post?

FallonsTeaRoom · 05/10/2020 08:18

@dontdisturbmenow

Try reading the thread. Hmm

medusawashere · 05/10/2020 09:06

OP, wow. You're being abused and this is going to have an awful effect on your kids. You need to leave for THEM. If not, they're learning a horrible pattern of behaviour that will make them very unhappy at adults. You poor thing. You deserve so much better than this bully. Yes, the kids won't like the change but there are ways of doing this that will hurt them the least and you'd be surprised how much they actually pick up. Leaving now will demonstrate to the DC that there are acceptable and unacceptable ways to treat somebody. You deserve better and so do they. Your posts made me gasp. I've been where you are (without the children involved) and, wow, he's getting away with this because you let him. Break the cycle now and rescue the DC from carrying this through to their future partners and children.

medusawashere · 05/10/2020 09:07

You sound like a fantastic parent, for what it's worth, and a lovely partner. I'm sorry that you're being treated in this way. You deserve so much better

mam0918 · 05/10/2020 12:26

going to a resteraunt sounds nice but honestly driving an hour for an hours walk along/around the sea in a litrally storm sounds like hell and is beyond misguided right now (people have litrally died in this storm)

this isnt the time of year or weather for the beach and long walks, theres litrally flash flood warnings all over the place due to storm Alex at the moment and when we went out (to do the shopping) you litrally couldnt see the car in front from the spray, fog and rain + it was freezing

GabsAlot · 05/10/2020 13:07

it wasnt like that everywhere mam and try reading the whole thread maybe

Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 05/10/2020 13:27

Lol man it was fine and dry here by 2pm and the walk was in a forest the restaurant near the sea. If he’d said at any time the day before or on the day I don’t fancy that due to the weather I’d have said no probs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 05/10/2020 13:28

Everyone else thanks for your insight and kindness. It’s been very valuable in weighing things up especially those who have had similar experiences.

OP posts:
Crocky · 05/10/2020 13:57

@mam0918

going to a resteraunt sounds nice but honestly driving an hour for an hours walk along/around the sea in a litrally storm sounds like hell and is beyond misguided right now (people have litrally died in this storm)

this isnt the time of year or weather for the beach and long walks, theres litrally flash flood warnings all over the place due to storm Alex at the moment and when we went out (to do the shopping) you litrally couldnt see the car in front from the spray, fog and rain + it was freezing

I’m looking out of my window and there isn’t a leaf moving on the trees. It’s a bit cloudy but nothing more. It’s been like that all weekend here.
updownroundandround · 05/10/2020 14:03

@ Bellsandwhistle

I understand your reluctance to disrupt your DC and leave your abusive husband, as it is a huge step to take.

However, I really think you also need to consider the harm that staying is doing to your DC too.

  1. They are watching and learning how to behave with their future wives/ girfriends.
  1. They are caught in the middle as they love both their parents, but they know their father will hate them/bully them if they support their mother, so they do not do as you ask because it will upset him.(Imagine the mental trauma this is causing them every day !)
  1. Your DC have nowhere to escape to as both parents live together in a truly toxic environment ( if you left, at least they could be happy at your house).
  1. The kids know how horrible their father is, so the rows etc during and after the divorce will not be a surprise to them ! But at least they won't have to listen to another 10 years of rows, will they ? You can spare them from being 'front and center' during the rows, and from being 'used as pawns' to hurt you.
  1. You know how lazy 'D'H is, so although he may well get EOW to have the kids, he's very unlikely to do so after he realizes it's hard work caring for kids (even older ones). It's also very unlikely that it would come to court for years (if at all if DH can't be arsed to even go to solicitors appointments and pay for them too), meaning DC will be old enough to decide for themselves whether or not they even want to see him.
  1. Not leaving will give your H plenty more time to force his kids to behave in hurtful and degrading ways towards you, and if you wait until they are adults, you may find that you've lost them forever. (because they will have to find their own survival mechanisms, and these will likely be to allign themselves with him to save themselves from being treated as you are now !)

Think long and hard about what would actually be worse, staying or leaving ? And think about who will actually suffer the most if you stay ?

mam0918 · 05/10/2020 16:06

Crocky - I have no idea where you live but the storm hit the entire country so its pretty impressive it somehow missed you lol

OP mentions they didnt do it in the morning due to it being so wet so obviously the weather is effected in her world and even in general non storm events if its nice where you are the weather isnt likely to be the same over an hours drive away (+ storms are always worse by the sea)

iklboo · 05/10/2020 17:05

Crocky - I have no idea where you live but the storm hit the entire country so its pretty impressive it somehow missed you lol

It missed where we live in Manchester. It was fairly warm and sunny most of the day. Lol.

DappledThings · 05/10/2020 17:07

OP mentions they didnt do it in the morning due to it being so wet so obviously the weather is effected in her world and even in general non storm events if its nice where you are the weather isnt likely to be the same over an hours drive away (+ storms are always worse by the sea)
I live right by the sea. It was a bit grim in the morning but not as bad as the day before. By about 2 it was fine and we went out for a walk ourselves.

Crocky · 05/10/2020 19:18

@iklboo

Crocky - I have no idea where you live but the storm hit the entire country so its pretty impressive it somehow missed you lol

It missed where we live in Manchester. It was fairly warm and sunny most of the day. Lol.

I’m not far from Manchester 😀
Scweltish · 05/10/2020 19:26

Ffs why are people arguing about the weather? It’s irrelevant. The oh could have said ‘let’s swerve the walk before as it’s too wet’, and then either arranged something else or gone directly to the restaurant. The weather clearly wasn’t an issue

iklboo · 05/10/2020 22:10

@Scweltish - it was mam's entire defence of OP's DH and his antics.

Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 05/10/2020 23:09

I started to think mam was my dick of a husband! Things worse today. He’s raging around calling me names this evening. 10 year old very upset. Think this is it. I’ve put up with too much and I will not let him harm my children.

OP posts:
UserABCDE12345 · 05/10/2020 23:25

My marriage was nothing like yours OP, but very platonic, DCs had never even seen us sharing a bed. I was staying for their sake but then I read on here about how children will grow up and mirror the relationship they were modelled and I knew I couldn't stay.

It was the best thing and they are now modelled what a healthy, loving relationship is with a happy and much more chilled out mum.

Yes the divorce wasn't easy on them and if you asked they would say they want their mum and dad together but kids will say that. I know what they are seeing now will truely benefit them as adults. If you don't leave their father, your children will just act exactly like he does, as his dad did before him and the cycle continues. Your H is a prick.