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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed on husbands birthday?

161 replies

Bellsandwhistle · 04/10/2020 16:21

I booked a lovely seaside restaurant to go to after a walk nearby. Told him the plan yesterday and he agreed. Wet here all morning but dried up by 2pm. I said let’s go in 15 min everyone get coats etc and be ready. He told my son he could call for a friend to go out and play - I said no you can’t as we are headed out. He then told my other son he could watch a program - again I said he we need to leave in about 15 min and he said he could still watch it. So son still watching program, husband still sat on sofa and basically there’s no point now. I’m quietly fuming!! AIBU?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 04/10/2020 17:37

But kids don’t realise he’s a manipulative bully! You are so right though the way his father spoke to his mother was awful. I do try amd teach kids his behaviour like today is not acceptable. But he’s come back and being all lovely to them.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 04/10/2020 17:37

He’s just got up amd said I’m away for a drive. I said are you serious I’ve been trying to get you out all day. He said yes no one else is doing anything for my birthday!! He does this type of thing all the time and will tell people I didn’t do anything for his birthday! I actually think I hate him!!!!

I stand by my original thoughts....

He's a Dick 🌺

redcarbluecar · 04/10/2020 17:38

No that isn't on; it was rude and, from what you've said since, sounds a bit calculated.

CornishTiger · 04/10/2020 17:40

How long was he gone.

babba2014 · 04/10/2020 17:43

I would have gone with the kids. If the kids didn't get up, I'd have eaten myself. Now it feels like a kick in the face with his drive.

ImSleepingBeauty · 04/10/2020 17:47

He’s going for a drive? I don’t understand?! Where?! Why?! With whom?!

On face value I’d just never organise anything for his birthday again and use today as the reason why.

Looking deeper it feels like a miserable existence for you OP. Nothing to celebrate. Putting up with his lazy attitude. Him undermining you to your DC. Longer term it feels like you need a better plan.

bonjonbovi · 04/10/2020 17:49

@Bellsandwhistle

Sunlight there’d be years of stress/fights/disputes about money/house/kids. Kids childhood would be destroyed. I can’t do it to them.
You think your kids haven’t already noticed the atmosphere?

My parents stayed together for us kids, it was tense all the time, I couldn’t relax and I left home at 18 and never looked back.

Kids would rather happy parents than a mother faking it.

Scweltish · 04/10/2020 17:52

Just came back to state my concerns about what will happen with the kids, but everyone else has beat me to it. How old are the boys op, has their father been acting like this long? It’s heartbreaking some of the posts I read on here from women who are getting abuse from their children. It always starts as a post about the children treating them like shit, but then they reveal that their partner treats them like shit too and the children are copying. The partner backs up the kids and vice versa, the mother ends up terrified of the lot with no chance of changing the children’s behaviour. It always seems to be sons that copy the fathers abusive behaviour too. They grow up watching the abuse thinking this is normal, so they do it too. The fact that they’re already following their fathers instructions rather than yours is concerning. You do have the option of proving to your sons that this isn’t an acceptable way to treat someone. Right now you are putting up yourself at risk of bringing up potentially abusive children who may go on to mistreat you, and their future partners

Scweltish · 04/10/2020 17:53

So his father treated his mother like that. And now he’s treating you like that. You can see where this is going..

newnameforthis123 · 04/10/2020 18:01

He sounds horrible OP and so incredibly manipulative.

Unfortunately the longer you stay together the more likely it is the kids will either behave how he does when they are adults and treat their partners how he treats you or they will end up with someone who treats them how he treats you because they'll think it's normal and acceptable. Even if you tell them it isn't every time he does it, by staying with him you're showing them it is normal and acceptable. It isn't. You all deserve more.

God he sounds insufferable. What a twat.

diggadoo · 04/10/2020 18:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

katy1213 · 04/10/2020 18:07

You should have gone on your own and ordered the priciest thing on the menu. But he had his chance of a birthday dinner - sort yourself out tonight and don't make him as much as a slice of toast. Let him complain to the world tomorrow - it's not like anyone will listen or care!

lazylinguist · 04/10/2020 18:07

He's an utter arsehole, OP. Your dc might not have realised that yet, but they will. Showing them that people shouldn't stick around and tolerate this treatment from a partner would be a good thing.

DeciduousPerennial · 04/10/2020 18:07

@Bellsandwhistle

Def not meeting someone else - today anyway. He’s come back and made a show of making toast for his birthday dinner.
I hope he burns it
iklboo · 04/10/2020 18:09

@DeciduousPerennial - and then drops it butter side down in cat litter.

What a manipulative twat OP. You & the children deserve better.

HannaYeah · 04/10/2020 18:10

This is one of the worst kinds of ways to mess with someone’s head.

It sounds like he’s teaching the children to ignore you.

I’m glad you argued with him about it. That’s much better than letting him pretend.

Whether you decide to pursue divorce or not, hope you find ways to take back control of your own time. In fact, I’d tell him I was going out now and leave him with the kids for the evening. If he tells people you didn’t plan anything for his birthday you say with a smile, “Of course I did! He got to spend it with the children doing exactly what he wanted!”

Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 04/10/2020 18:10

Yeah the drive was the tipping point!! He said “to clear his head” and to get a McDonald’s. I think he realised that’d look bad to the kids so he came back after 10 min and made his toast.

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Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 04/10/2020 18:11

Did contemplate going with kids but then he’d have told people I went for his bday meal without him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 04/10/2020 18:13

Deciduous that made me smile!!

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Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 04/10/2020 18:14

I do remain quiet most of the time thinking pick your battles but the going for the drive was so offensive!! I’m not a doormat but I’d be a constant battleground if I pulled him up in every passive aggressive comment!

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Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 04/10/2020 18:16

Also no one else knows he’s like this - he comes as mr nice guy to others.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bellsandwhistle · 04/10/2020 18:16

Not leaving him with children for him to manipulate them into this being all my fault!!

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burnoutbabe · 04/10/2020 18:20

I'd assume he went out to call someone else to be honest.

HannaYeah · 04/10/2020 18:21

@Bellsandwhistle

Did contemplate going with kids but then he’d have told people I went for his bday meal without him!
I think you can take the path in the future of doing what you like then saying things like “Of he’s being silly! He was delighted to have the day to himself.”

I understand you not wanting to divorce him - either choice isn’t great. But do whatever you can to maintain your authority with the children. It’s really not good for a child to be taught to undermine a parent.

HannaYeah · 04/10/2020 18:22

@Bellsandwhistle

Not leaving him with children for him to manipulate them into this being all my fault!!
How old are the kids?