To be annoyed on husbands birthday?

[Bellsandwhistle]

I booked a lovely seaside restaurant to go to after a walk nearby. Told him the plan yesterday and he agreed. Wet here all morning but dried up by 2pm. I said let’s go in 15 min everyone get coats etc and be ready. He told my son he could call for a friend to go out and play - I said no you can’t as we are headed out. He then told my other son he could watch a program - again I said he we need to leave in about 15 min and he said he could still watch it. So son still watching program, husband still sat on sofa and basically there’s no point now. I’m quietly fuming!! AIBU?!

Why are you so scared of what he tells people op? I agree that you should have taken the children for the meal. If someone told me ‘I spent my birthday on my own because my wife and kids went without me’ I’d be thinking ‘why, what have you done?’ You need to stop protecting him or worrying what he might be saying. How do you even know what he’s telling people? Are you putting them straight when you find out about his lies?

HannaYeah thanks. Everyone so quick to say leave and trust me I think about it but that’s a massive thing and would def cause years of fighting. It’s not the type to get over it quickly and not want to take kids.

I am sitting here maintaining my authority with a passion!! Every time he says anything to kids - he just said to one that his card made his day as no one else did anything for his bday - and I said no that’s not true....

I’m not really scared of what he tells people but I don’t want to give him the power of manipulating the truth.

I can’t put people straight as I don’t know what he actually tells them and I’m not in the habit of airing dirty linen in public.

Kids 10 and 14.

That's utterly, utterly shit of him and that would definitely be the LAST time I organised anything for his birthday!!!

He's playing mind-fuck games with you and as your children are old enough to see what's happening then that's bloody outrageous!

I'm not sure I could muster up the energy to tolerate that shit if I'm honest and I'd just ignore the idiot.

Just out of interest, does he bother with your birthday?

He sounds like a twat.

No I book own bday meal after years of him not doing anything. He never buys me a present well not in recent years. Says he pays for the bday meal I book. No effort. He usually gets me a good Christmas present but I usually have to tell him what I want.

Not leaving him with children for him to manipulate them into this being all my fault!!

Please don’t use kids as an excuse. They’re 10 and 14!

So you kept telling them they needed to go and they all just sat their ignoring you? How do they get out for school in the morning or anything? That's hugely disrespectful.

I am ignoring him amd he’s sitting playing with children as of nothing wrong. I know this is toxic...

He’s setting you up to fail every time. Why do you bother with his birthday when he doesn’t bother with yours?!

Candy kids could see he wasn’t getting up so they didn’t. For school I get kids up amd out. He stays in bed. Anytime we go anywhere at weekend I get everyone out. He dues to help amd is like another child. What yesterday he got up late (after I told him to get up!) and was taking son to football amd as usual was late.

At 10 and 14, they will fully understand that you leaving their dad is the best thing for you because his behaviour is unacceptable

Goodness I think you need to leave him for the sake of your kids. It may make their childhoods a million times better, not worse. There is nothing worse than children growing up in a hostile, toxic environment. They will be aware you hate each other, believe me.

I bother for kids and also so be can’t say stuff about me. I bought him a shirt and jumper amd he opens it in the most unenthusiastic way then says oh large I think I need extra large. I knew he’d need extra large and had stood in shop yesterday deliberating what he’d say if I got extra large - oh this looks big I’ve lost a stone recently (yes but he’s still XL) so went from the L but bought the XL too so I can retuned the L. I just said I bought both to be sure! I’ll return that one then.

Do the kids care when he doesn’t buy you a present on your birthday?

Good question I’ve not made a big deal of it so they haven’t really ever said anything.

If you split, what makes you think he'd make that much effort with the children if he's that lazy?

So you just be honest with the kids and say mum and dad aren’t doing presents for each other anymore. But really and truly, you need to leave him. It all sounds soul-destroying. Do it for your kids.

I know it’s not easy leaving, I’ve done it and I’ve second guessed myself about 100 times, especially when he did something nice, but it was a waste of so many years.

Tell him you're giving him a divorce for his birthday because you've had enough.

FFS. Sounds miserable to have to live with that PA shit. So don't!

The going out for a bit sounds to me like he’s calling / meeting someone. It doesn’t sound like either of you love each other. Leave and be happy.

Nanny good question and he’d soon realise how much I do! He couldn’t do the daily grind stuff so maybe he’d just want them every weekend. He’d let them stay up late, not help with school work and just do fun stuff.

OP,
Your children see 10 times more than you realise and in years to come will join the dots.

Staying in such a toxic environment is not in their best interests.

He sounds absolutely poisonous.

He clearly doesn't like you not to mind love you.

First off.
Detach from him emotionally.
Don't waste any energy on him.

Secondly take a good hard look at what your life is and what you want it to be in 10 years time.

Do you really want to be sharing a home with such a nasty twat?

Make a plan.
Get out.