Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my parents to live near us when I have twins?

160 replies

Sparkly101 · 03/10/2020 20:47

I am pregnant with identical twins. Identical twins mean a relatively high risk pregnancy, likely a cesaerean and a good chance the babies will come early and may need to be in NICU for a while. My husband will be starting a new job not long before the due date, they have said he can take 2 weeks off but he will be working full time after that.

Me and my DH live about 2 hours drive from either set of parents. My parents want to move nearer for a year so they can help us with the babies in the early months, and they're looking at renting a house only a five minute walk from us.

My husband is freaking out, he doesn't really want them to come at all and especially not so close. He's convinced my parents will be round all the time and he won't get any time just us and the babies. He's particularly bothered by the fact my mum is really excited about her first grandchildren, he takes that as a sign she won't be able to stay away. If i say i think we'll really appreciate the help because twins will be hard, he says I'm focusing on the negatives.

My parents are insistent they won't be around more than we want. They want to be close partly because my mum has arthritis and it's getting painful to drive too much. I believe them because they were pretty hands off parents when I was growing up, they're not the interfering type.

I feel its an amazing thing they're offering to do for us and I would feel terrible telling them we don't want their help, or that we do but only if they live at least three miles away and have to drive to see us. But I also don't want my DH to be unhappy and I feel like I have to respect his feelings. I'm struggling to see a solution to this. Can anyone help?

OP posts:
TheMistressQuickly · 03/10/2020 20:50

As a mother of twins I can tell you that he will really appreciate your parents being close when they are born! It’s hard work (but worth it!) x

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 03/10/2020 20:52

I can see both points.

5 minutes away is really, really close, and I probably wouldnt be too happy with that either tbh. Also if your mums arthritis is too bad to drive, how much help will she be?

Ultimately your dh can't stop them moving anywhere they want, could you compromise and have them move closer, but not just around the corner?

TheFoz · 03/10/2020 20:53

If your DH works Monday to Friday what about asking them to come around only on those days so you can have the weekends to yourselves?

RedPandaFluff · 03/10/2020 20:53

At first reading I think your DH is being unreasonable but I guess you need to understand why he thinks your parents wouldn't respect your boundaries. Have they ever done or said anything (apart from expressing normal first-time grandparent excitement) to justify his stance?

Personally, I think it's great and I'd love to have parents so close.

Congratulations, also!

Dalooah · 03/10/2020 20:54

Your parents sound amazing. Mine are 3000 miles away and I don't have twins- I'd give pretty much anything to have them nearby. Your husband doesn't realise how much easier his life will be you're well supported through your maternity leave! He's being completely unreasonable!!

holliem91 · 03/10/2020 20:55

One baby is hard enough and I really appreciated all the help I could get when I had my LG if I'm honest. In the nicest way possible, your husband is off work for 2 weeks and that 2 weeks will be the quickest 2 weeks of your life. Once he's back at work full time you will really appreciate their help. As long as you both feel comfortable to tell them if you feel they're coming round too much then I don't see the problem. Or maybe tell your parents to come and visit once the babies arrive but then to keep away for those 2 weeks your DH is off so you can have some time just all 4 of youSmile

Good luck & congratulations! Thanks

babychange12 · 03/10/2020 20:55

Hah wait till the twins arrive and then your husband will be gagging for your parents to come live with you!

VinylDetective · 03/10/2020 20:56

You may want to respect his feelings but he’s not respecting your feelings or your parents’. If you want them close to you for the first year, what you say goes. It is a generous offer. I’d bite their arthritic hands off.

LittleMissLockdown · 03/10/2020 20:56

I can see why he is reluctant, it's very close and it would be hard for him to actually ask them to go home if he wanted some family time without appearing rude.

As much as extra help would be lovely it does sound rather stifling. Plus I would also take into account that he's probably also irrationally worried they will get to spend so much time with the twins whilst he misses out by working.

Quornflakegirl · 03/10/2020 20:56

My parents are 3000 miles away and it was just dh and I. He only took a weeks paternity leave. It was very difficult but we survived and our twins are now 8.

romeolovedjulliet · 03/10/2020 20:58

he might well welcome the help but as long as they aren't taking over and visiting every 5 minutes. it can be useful but you are the parents and as long as your parents respect the boundaries it might well be helpful.
my dm helped out with my dcs as i had cs for all 6 pregnancies but she never knew when to go home, staying for 4 months after the birth of each child with her trying to run the show nearly drove me mental, and there were bigger issues going on in the background too. there were always tears and tentrums when i put my foot down in wanting to make my own decisions.

Postmanbear · 03/10/2020 20:58

If he’s going to be at work most of the time I can’t see his problem. He really has no idea of how life is going to change massively.
We really appreciated the help after DC2. My mum was around for the first 6 weeks which was amazing. I really struggled not having family near by after that.

LouHotel · 03/10/2020 20:58

What his solution for a support network once he returns to work fulltime?

Hadjab · 03/10/2020 20:59

Your husband will be begging for their help, once he’s done a few weekends without them after having returned to work. Your parents are doing a great thing, and you will really need their help once he’s gone back to work - how to make him understand that though 🤷🏾‍♀️

happytoday73 · 03/10/2020 20:59

I agree with PP... I can see his reluctance but think you will really need help in the week after he is back at work.

Id propose a system where your mum and dad are mainly helping in the week... Keep most weekends clearly just for you, your husband and the twins.
Congratulations

TheMShip · 03/10/2020 21:00

I can offer you a perspective from the other side. My in-laws moved from another country several hours flight away to be 2 minutes walk from us while I was pregnant with DC2. It's been fabulous. I love them, they have a great relationship with both kids, and we've been able to return the favour by doing all the shopping etc since covid. They are like your describe your parents - not interfering, and have very much made their own life here independent of us, and that last is the key. If your parents are going to be totally dependent on you and your babies for socializing it's going to cause friction. Everyone will need to be crystal clear on those expectations.

NewCatMummy · 03/10/2020 21:00

I had mz twins at 38 weeks and they didn’t sleep more than an hour in a stretch until they were 17 months and I did the Jay Gordon sleep method. He’ll be gagging for help within 48 hrs of them coming home if they’re anything like mine. Friend however had twins who breastfed for about five minutes then slept for three hours night and day (mine breastfed hourly for 30 min). So does depend on the babies.

Wynston · 03/10/2020 21:01

What an amazing offer........congratulations op!!
Have you got other children??

FoxtrotSkarloey · 03/10/2020 21:01

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 03/10/2020 21:01

I think it depends on how much help he is going to be. If it's going to be you deciding whether to change the nappy of a screaming baby or feed the other screaming baby and trying to walk around with them both because it's the only way they will sleep while he is at work then I say doing whatever helps you trumps anything else. If he is going to be working from home in a flexible job where he can step in when you're tearing your hair out then maybe he has a point.

My gut is that he is in for a shock though. Sorting out help to look after twins to most people isnt focusing on the negatives it's being realistic and putting support measures in place in advance. Does he know anything about things like pnd and how to reduce the chances? I'd say if you dont consider things like this it's not being 'positive' it's being naive, very few people say looking after kids is easy, and no one ever said looking after twins was easy, so looking at ways to make it easier seems sensible.

If you're the one doing the majority of the childcare then your mental and physical health trumps his slight discomfort in having visitors for a while. In a lot of cultures its normal for the mother to have help from her family.

If you want to set his mind at rest then agree to frequency and duration of visits and check in with each other frequently to see you're both ok with everything. If he isbt there in the day though why would he care that you were spending them with your parents?

Time2change2 · 03/10/2020 21:04

Yes and no. I had twins and also a 2 year old with no parents within 30 mins drive. TBH I had various people visit me most days in the early weeks but only for maybe a couple of hours at a time and the rest I was on my own with DH at work long hours.
I would have loved someone around a bit more to start with. However I can see his side, he is worried they will be round all the time and it would be difficult to say no, after all they have moved just for you!
Will your husband / partner be going back to work full time? If so then to be honest it’s hard on your own with twins and difficult to get out because you are always quite worried about them both being hungry or crying uncontrollably at the same time. If that happens when out it’s difficult. An extra pair of hands does help.
If he is going back then you will be doing all the donkey work, so I think it’s fair to have them downx however I think I would make it clear that his days off work will be your family time just the 4 of you

MotherOfCrocodiles · 03/10/2020 21:05

I think the idea of saying they mainly come round in the week when he is at work, and you and they do your own thing on weekends, sounds ideal. I actually have a similar arrangement with my mum, she is over a lot more than my husband would want, but mainly when he's not here. Works great.

SummerBaby2020 · 03/10/2020 21:09

My parents stay 5 mins away and my partners parents stay 15 mins away. We have a 12wk old LG and tbh, both sets have been a god send my LG doesn’t sleep very well, has silent reflux and was really poorly when she was first born and no one was allowed to see or hold her for the first 10 days because we were still in lockdown so it’s great to have them so close to give me a wee hour to get some sleep so although your husband isn’t keen just now, he will be grateful when your little ones arrive. Just explain that maybe the first 2 weeks are for you and him but after that your be on your own with 2 new borns ( 1’s hard enough never mind 2!! ) and you will need help on hand if you need it. Both sets of grandparents here are mega excited but there has been times we have said “ not today “ and they are totally fine with it.

Hope everything goes well with the rest of your pregnancy and congratulations on your beautiful little bundles of love 🥳 Flowers x

Girlwhowearsglasses · 03/10/2020 21:11

Only you can say on this - are your parents willing to do the extra stuff required for twins? Can they take the pace when it comes to looking after both for any length of time? I had DT when I had a 2 year old and it was V hard work, with no relatives nearby. When they did come though it wasn't always easy to hand over the reigns without really extensive and exhaustive briefing. Relatives who are up on the current routine and willing to tow the line on your parenting and just get on with it are worth their weight. This is not how many relatives work though- but you sound like your DPs are quite hands on?

Hope your DH can find a way to accept this help if it is useful, because it sounds like he may not be able to take up the slack himself.

Very best of luck for a twin mum

VillageGreenTree · 03/10/2020 21:14

Speaking as another of twins (twins first and 4 kids in 4 years all together), I'm with your DH.
Twins aren't that bad.
I really wouldn't want my parents coming round all the time. I enjoy my privacy and I enjoyed it just bring me mostly (DH also works long hours) and DH and I together when we could.