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Original poster

To want my parents to live near us when I have twins?

160 replies

Sparkly101 · 03/10/2020 20:47

I am pregnant with identical twins. Identical twins mean a relatively high risk pregnancy, likely a cesaerean and a good chance the babies will come early and may need to be in NICU for a while. My husband will be starting a new job not long before the due date, they have said he can take 2 weeks off but he will be working full time after that.

Me and my DH live about 2 hours drive from either set of parents. My parents want to move nearer for a year so they can help us with the babies in the early months, and they're looking at renting a house only a five minute walk from us.

My husband is freaking out, he doesn't really want them to come at all and especially not so close. He's convinced my parents will be round all the time and he won't get any time just us and the babies. He's particularly bothered by the fact my mum is really excited about her first grandchildren, he takes that as a sign she won't be able to stay away. If i say i think we'll really appreciate the help because twins will be hard, he says I'm focusing on the negatives.

My parents are insistent they won't be around more than we want. They want to be close partly because my mum has arthritis and it's getting painful to drive too much. I believe them because they were pretty hands off parents when I was growing up, they're not the interfering type.

I feel its an amazing thing they're offering to do for us and I would feel terrible telling them we don't want their help, or that we do but only if they live at least three miles away and have to drive to see us. But I also don't want my DH to be unhappy and I feel like I have to respect his feelings. I'm struggling to see a solution to this. Can anyone help?

OP posts:
RedskyAtnight · 03/10/2020 21:26

This totally depends on your parents. Will they genuinely be open to the idea that they only come round when you ask them to; will they try to take over; will they actually be helpful or just expect to cuddle the babies? Be honest with yourself - base your opinion on reality and not how you'd like your parents to be. From your husband's point of view will your mum turn into the overbearing MiL that features on so many MN threads?

If this had been my parents DH and I would probably have moved house to avoid them :) All the people saying to bit their hands off clearly have different types of parents.

Daphnise · 03/10/2020 21:29

I don't think your parents have any idea of what they are letting themselves in for.

ScrapThatThen · 03/10/2020 21:30

I think if they are moving to help and not drive, 5 minutes away is better than 30. I see his point, but yours is stronger. Tell him you will need them when on maternity, but evenings and weekends are for you guys, they don't get a key unless he wants them to, and he should be very gracious about their incredibly kind offer to put themselves out. Maybe have a word with your mum about her expectations about the birth and early days (my mum has not forgiven me yet)

RoseGoldEagle · 03/10/2020 21:32

Maybe explain to him that if they don’t come, he’ll be coming home and you’ll be handing the babies to him every evening, and taking some time to yourself to nap/shower/get some down time, whereas if your parents have been around and you’ve already had a chance to get a bit of a break, you’re more likely to be more relaxed and less in need of a desperate break, which in turn will make his evenings more relaxing too?!

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 03/10/2020 21:33

Unless he's going to be around to actually help after that first two weeks, he doesn't get a say. Looking after baby twins is really, really hard. Take every single scrap of help you're offered.

addictedtotheflats · 03/10/2020 21:34

I only had one and although my mum lives 90 miles away she came up every other week sun-fri and stayed at out house throughout my whole maternity leave. She was annoying towards the end but she helped us SO much and I really appreciated it. Take all the help you can get, plus their relationship is adorable

AldiAisleofCrap · 03/10/2020 21:34

@Sparkly101 it really doesn’t mean a c section is likely so try not to worry about that. It’s more likely that a single pregnancy but you are still much more likely to have a vaginal birth.

pigcon1 · 03/10/2020 21:36

Also a mum of twins. Accept all help. You and your DH will need it. Very best of luck.

RedskyAtnight · 03/10/2020 21:36

Maybe explain to him that if they don’t come, he’ll be coming home and you’ll be handing the babies to him every evening

Why would OP not be doing this if they do come???

babbi · 03/10/2020 21:37

Congratulations on your twin pregnancy, I hope you keep well and rested .

Your thread reminds me of my friend . When she was expecting her twins , her parents moved 10 mins away from her and her father retired at that time .

She spent her pregnancy telling her mother to “warn “ her dad not to be dropping in every day etc etc ...
Her husband went back to work after 2 weeks leave and 3 days after that she was on the phone “ demanding “ to know where her dad was ..
she laughs at herself now .. her poor father was on speed dial to come and help for the first year !

Meuniere · 03/10/2020 21:39

I think that as he isn’t the one who will be at home with twins, he doesn’t get to decide.

I’m sorry but one child is hard work, twins even more so, esp in the early days. The two weeks he has as paternity leave will be the a tiny drop in the ocean.
His ‘only seeing the negatives’ is him not seeing the issue because he won’t have to deal with it!

Meuniere · 03/10/2020 21:41

Btw, doe she know anyone who has had twins?
Has he read on the subject ( come on MN for real life experience of mothers of twins)?

I think he needs a wake up call sharp ish on what life will be once the babies are there. It won’t be just a possible issue with babies in ICU etc...

TableFlowerss · 03/10/2020 21:42

I agree with you OP. He won’t be saying that when he changes and feeds one at 2am then the order one starts screaming!! He’ll be wishing they were next door!!

TatianaBis · 03/10/2020 21:44

He needs to pull himself together.

5 mins away doesn’t mean they’ll be round all the time, it just means it will be easy for them to get to you when you need them. (And you sure as hell will).

MrsEG · 03/10/2020 21:46

As a mother of 8-month old twins you’ll be absolutely roaring for the help, you really will! I was adamant I could ‘do this on my own’ but two babies, colic, reflux, and this ruddy pandemic has taken its toll - the early months of lockdown I almost lost it. Find a compromise with DH - no one wants their in-laws at the house every single day; I actually have a bit of a rota with my folks (lockdown guidelines allowing!) where they come on certain days/times. We sort of fell in to it around DHs schedule (he works shifts). Twins are absolutely bloody fantastic but hard hard going especially in the first 6 months so if the offer of help is there, take it!
Congrats and good luck. Also, don’t worry too much about the birth, NICU, etc - yes, it’s higher risk but I met 2 other ladies pregnant with twins while I was expecting and we all went to term, two of us had sections (me included) and one had hers naturally.

BrummyMum1 · 03/10/2020 21:46

Why not just try it and see? I’d hate for my DH to turn down help for me on the basis that he predicts he might get annoyed. Wait until you have twins, he might want all the help he can get!

rainingallspring · 03/10/2020 21:48

It took me six weeks to recover from my c section. And I only had one baby. If he doesn't want them there then he needs to not be starting a new job and take some proper time off. I also suffered pnd. If my husband hadn't been around I don't know what I would've done.

CurlyMango · 03/10/2020 21:49

Wow, what fabulous parents. Accept and set out ground basis. I would have welcomed it. Mine were amazing and really very much appreciated all the help

Nackajory · 03/10/2020 21:49

Your parents can do as they choose, they're adults. They sound very sensible in understanding boundaries so I'm sure he'll come round to the idea when they're helping out. He doesn't get a say in where they live, it's up to them. Just try and provide him some reassurance, he's freaking out because he's about to become the father of 2 kids. He's human.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 03/10/2020 21:49

So what does he suggest you do all day with two tiny infants and a c section scar? Has got any other plan for you managing all day every day without him?

GintyMarlow2 · 03/10/2020 21:49

Is it five minutes by car or five minutes walk away? Either is quite close, but how great that your parents want to come and help. If you are at home, either on maternity leave or as a stay at home mum, their help will be invaluable, and if he's working, your husband doesn't need to see that much of them.

Robs20 · 03/10/2020 21:51

I have 5 month old twins and one of the things I regret from the early days was not getting enough help (it was lockdown and not allowed). I would have loved family support close by. My parents live a 3hr drive away and come to help most weeks - as they live far away they have to stay over which feels intense and quite claustrophobic. I would much much prefer them to be close by and able to pop in for shorter periods.
I think its worth thinking about specific jobs people (incl parents) can help with- perhaps your husband is worried they will take his role?

DrizzleandDamp · 03/10/2020 21:51

A selling point to your husband may in fact be your marriage. The baby stage is hard, it breaks a lot of marriages especially if one partner is out a lot to work and unable to help.

Maybe you could have the conversation with him and your parents together, open and honest to set boundaries of when you get just him and babies time, when they help, how they can build a life for themselves outside of the kids for them in the location (hobbies? Waking?).

Then talk to him about the fact that making a marriage of two people work outside of the babies takes work, and actually having your parents there will afford time for just the two of you, and avoid the inevitable resentment that will grow if you are in this on your own day in and day out.

XFPW · 03/10/2020 21:53

I’m with your DH and @VillageGreenTree. It wouldn’t have worked for me.

I had ID DTs when my older two were 5 & 2.5. My closest family (an aunt and uncle) were 5 hours away and next closest were a 9hr journey via car and ferry.

My aunt came and stayed Mon-Fri for the first 4 weeks. I was in hospital for 5 days and DTs for 3 weeks. She came to stay to look after older DC while DH and I concentrated on the DTs. (although DH also only had 2 weeks paternity leave.) Once I was cleared to drive after 4 weeks we were completely on our own.

My aunt was indispensable those first few weeks, but only because of older DC - one of whom was at school.

DTs are hard work - not going to lie - and mine definitely weren’t straightforward with severe reflux and allergies - but we managed. Having other people around all the time would have driven me mad. We needed our own space - that first year was crazy and any time we could be alone without the DC we needed to be alone - it helped us form a bond as a family.

I will also say that there is a lot of negativity around twins and it’s very unhelpful. Yes - it’s hard, of course it is - but if you go into it with the mindset that it’s going to be so hard that you can’t survive without additional help, or that it’s “double trouble”, or that others “couldn’t do it”, or any of the other unhelpful things said to you; you’ll miss out on the joy. You CAN do this. You ARE capable. You DO have it in you.

Whether you decide to have your DPs move closer or not - make it a joint decision because it affects you both, and whether you have the help or not - believe in yourself.

TatianaBis · 03/10/2020 21:57

Whether you decide to have your DPs move closer or not - make it a joint decision because it affects you both, and whether you have the help or not - believe in yourself.

DP’s “decision” isn’t based on the reality of having kids. He hasn’t got a fucking clue what’s about to hit him.

I could never be with a partner who had an issue with my family being near if I wanted them to be and vice versa.