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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my parents to live near us when I have twins?

160 replies

Sparkly101 · 03/10/2020 20:47

I am pregnant with identical twins. Identical twins mean a relatively high risk pregnancy, likely a cesaerean and a good chance the babies will come early and may need to be in NICU for a while. My husband will be starting a new job not long before the due date, they have said he can take 2 weeks off but he will be working full time after that.

Me and my DH live about 2 hours drive from either set of parents. My parents want to move nearer for a year so they can help us with the babies in the early months, and they're looking at renting a house only a five minute walk from us.

My husband is freaking out, he doesn't really want them to come at all and especially not so close. He's convinced my parents will be round all the time and he won't get any time just us and the babies. He's particularly bothered by the fact my mum is really excited about her first grandchildren, he takes that as a sign she won't be able to stay away. If i say i think we'll really appreciate the help because twins will be hard, he says I'm focusing on the negatives.

My parents are insistent they won't be around more than we want. They want to be close partly because my mum has arthritis and it's getting painful to drive too much. I believe them because they were pretty hands off parents when I was growing up, they're not the interfering type.

I feel its an amazing thing they're offering to do for us and I would feel terrible telling them we don't want their help, or that we do but only if they live at least three miles away and have to drive to see us. But I also don't want my DH to be unhappy and I feel like I have to respect his feelings. I'm struggling to see a solution to this. Can anyone help?

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/10/2020 21:57

What would you say of his parents offered this?

Nottherealslimshady · 03/10/2020 22:01

YANBU I dont think he's really taking into account that you'll be alone with two babies most of the time. I think you'll both be glad of the help and your parents are awesome for offering

jessstan1 · 03/10/2020 22:01

As they are planning to rent to help you in the early months, I presume they will want to go back to their own home after a year. I would think your husband could put up with his in laws for that long and anyway, they will be coming round when he is at work.

occa · 03/10/2020 22:01

I think you, your DH and parents need to come up with some pretty firm rules on how this will work so it does actually end up working for everyone and not causing friction.

Obviously, you decide what these rules will entail but eg:

Please don't come round after x in the evening or at weekends without ringing first (or don't do drop-ins at all, depending on your feelings)

You will endeavour not to call them to drop everything on a moment's notice unless it's a real emergency

Please could they not feed the babies anything without checking with you first

Please don't ask to have the babies overnight until you tell them you're ready

Whatever you decide. Basically these setups can work brilliantly and really reduce the stress on new parents but it's always best to be really clear about expectations upfront.

pigcon1 · 03/10/2020 22:03

Feeling wicked now. Perhaps your DH would like to look at the cost of a nanny to cover support in the early months for twins, many many £k....

sophiestew · 03/10/2020 22:05

Oh dear. I can see both sides of this.....

I think you need to do a lot more talking.

Inkpaperstars · 03/10/2020 22:09

I agree about clear guidelines, I think your parents ought to understand if you say that you are really grateful and would like them there, but you want to be careful that your DH doesn't feel pushed aside in any way or overwhelmed. They will more than likely be very happy to go home and rest at evenings and weekends. I think it's likely your DH will be happy to have them there sometimes when he is home, but make sure they realise that (unless things are desperate) that will be on his terms and you will let him decide what/when. I think that conversation could be had tactfully, and in fact how they respond could be quite a good indicator of how they will approach things.

Personally I think they will be worth their weight in gold. I have a close family member with twins and for weeks after the birth once husband back at work, either grandmother or I stayed over to help. After a while they managed better with a nanny coming in for a few days a week. They we're super competent parents but it makes such a difference to have another pair of hands with twins.

WingingIt101 · 03/10/2020 22:12

My parents moved to 5 mins around the corner before I was pregnant.

I used to be your husband - terrified they’d be poking their nose in and turning up unannounced while my husband was you - absolutely delighted to have family close by.

Now our daughter is here (one baby, god only knows how stressful twins must be!) I thank my lucky stars every day they are so close.
We have clear boundaries - we always text first, no unannounced drop ins on either side, no pressure to say yes to any invitations etc

It’s lovely and I appreciate it so much more than I realised.

Take time to reassure your husband that he can tell you if he needs space from them and agree your boundaries together and be united when speaking to your parents.
Once he’s at work he won’t know or care how much you’re seeing them so long as you are happy and managing!

ancientgran · 03/10/2020 22:15

Your mother has arthritis, she will probably be tired by the weekend and be happy to leave you to it for a couple of days. He isn't being realistic, you will be coping for 40 hrs a week while he's at work, you will need the help and he can't be there. The problem is he doesn't realise how hard the first few weeks and months will be.

Good luck with it all.

Letsgetbizzy · 03/10/2020 22:15

Fuck I'm a mum of didi twins and had no help AT ALL. No mates family nothing. You'll really appreciate it especially when he goes back to work.

Letsgetbizzy · 03/10/2020 22:16

Ih and MASSIVE CONGRATULATIONS! Twins are bloody amazing!

Inkpaperstars · 03/10/2020 22:21

Yes, twins are very special, many congrats OP!

BigFatLiar · 03/10/2020 22:27

Does he get on with them in general?

We had twins and my parents lived near (a bit more than 5 mins) and were a godsend at times. Fortunately DH got on well with them and they didn't interfere but were happy to help. DH loved being a dad and from the beginning would get up with me during the night to help, I did tops he did tails (I fed and he changed nappies). It takes its toll and you'll be glad of the help even if its just the chance to get a sleep. You get lots of complaints on MN about the lack of 'intimacy' but for ages we were both too tired. Having mum available during the week when DH was at work and I was on my own was great, not just for the help but having another adult to talk to. We found GP's greatest help when we were working sorting out drop offs and pickups around work schedules. Fortunately mum didn't work and she was happy to help when needed (we tried not to impose). Having family nearby who are willing to help is a major blessing. (Provided they remember that they're your (and oh's) babies and provide help and support rather than interfere)

WhereamI88 · 03/10/2020 22:27

He's against it because he's happy for you to do all the work and he doesn't want to be inconvenienced in any way. He needs to be reminded that if he tries to put his foot down on this, his marriage is on the line. Because when you're home alone, not having slept in days, taking care of 2 babies while he's having coffees at work and knowing you could have had the help of loving grandparents....you will resent the hell out of him.

PearPickingPorky · 03/10/2020 22:30

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

What would you say of his parents offered this?

Unless the DH would be taking a year off work and the OP is going to be the one working full-time from the get-go, then it's not the same.

I wouldn't choose to have my in-laws round every weekday helping me while my DH was at work. I'd find it too claustrophobic and I wouldn't be comfortable-they are not my parents.

However, if I was out every day and my in-laws were going to be here to support DH when he was alone with DC, I'd of course be fine with that.

Just have your parents come round when he's at work. That's when they'd be most help to you anyway, as he can help when he's home so there'd be less need. Your DH will barely see them because he won't be there, you'll be alone.

Actually I find it a bit alarming that your DH is unnecessarily trying to make this a more difficult time for you than it needs to be by blocking the only support you're really able to get.

pigcon1 · 03/10/2020 22:34

To add to WhereamI88 this is not just a point in time thing it can take years to return to yourself after many sleepless nights and zero time for anything other than the routine of just getting on with each day.

I absolutely love my two but the first 3 years (inc return to work) were hugely demanding.

TatianaBis · 03/10/2020 22:39

Actually I find it a bit alarming that your DH is unnecessarily trying to make this a more difficult time for you than it needs to be by blocking the only support you're really able to get.

Yep.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 03/10/2020 22:41

Your DH will be working full time in a new position trying to impress and appear committed. He will also likely be claiming the lion's share of the sleep at home.

He would be beyond selfish to deny you available family help when he won't be providing it himself and you will be beyond knackered.

HattonsMustard · 03/10/2020 22:41

If you are good at communicating with your parents then this is easy. Like PP have said ask them to come round in the day time Mon-Fri as your Dh wants a chance to bond with his children. Really not that difficult. Your Dh will actually be out of the house for most of it working.

I lived 3 hours away from both sets of parents. Dh had 2 weeks off work, the first week of which I was in hospital post c section for a few days and then we had to go back in with Ds due to complications with him.

That first week just disappeared. Then he went back to work after his second week and my Mum came to stay for 5 days. After that I was alone with Ds1, only 1 baby, not twins, it was hard work. In fact I didn't have any additional help until Ds2 was over 1 and we had moved house. My Mum came over one day a week which was bliss.

I am sure there are a million life with newborn twins on YouTube. He needs to realise that babies are relentless and you will be recovering from growing 2 babies inside you. Take the help offered.

Phrowzunn · 03/10/2020 22:42

Take the help. Take the help. Take the help. You guys will look back and laugh about how he thought it would be better for you guys to be on your own.

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 03/10/2020 22:42

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

What would you say of his parents offered this?

Irrelevant.

OP's giving birth to identical twins AND staying at home for the forseeable to look after them fulltime. Alone. Her parents have offered to be there to support her and help, and she wants to accept. that is all that is relevant.

rainingallspring · 03/10/2020 22:44

@WhereamI88

Exactly

BrazenlyDefying · 03/10/2020 22:49

A year?????

No wonder he's freaking out.

HermioneKipper · 03/10/2020 22:49

As someone who has 9 month old twins I would be biting their hands off for the help. Newborn twins is extremely hard work on very little sleep so I can promise you’ll need all the help you can get. Your husband sounds totally clueless. I thought having one baby was hard work, had no idea what I was complaining about when the twins came along!

Sorry to sound doom and gloom but best to be prepared! You might have angelic babies that love sleep! And there are lots of moments of joy too

VinylDetective · 03/10/2020 22:50

@BrazenlyDefying

A year?????

No wonder he's freaking out.

They’re not moving into his bedroom.

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