To want my parents to live near us when I have twins?

[Sparkly101]

I am pregnant with identical twins. Identical twins mean a relatively high risk pregnancy, likely a cesaerean and a good chance the babies will come early and may need to be in NICU for a while. My husband will be starting a new job not long before the due date, they have said he can take 2 weeks off but he will be working full time after that.

Me and my DH live about 2 hours drive from either set of parents. My parents want to move nearer for a year so they can help us with the babies in the early months, and they're looking at renting a house only a five minute walk from us.

My husband is freaking out, he doesn't really want them to come at all and especially not so close. He's convinced my parents will be round all the time and he won't get any time just us and the babies. He's particularly bothered by the fact my mum is really excited about her first grandchildren, he takes that as a sign she won't be able to stay away. If i say i think we'll really appreciate the help because twins will be hard, he says I'm focusing on the negatives.

My parents are insistent they won't be around more than we want. They want to be close partly because my mum has arthritis and it's getting painful to drive too much. I believe them because they were pretty hands off parents when I was growing up, they're not the interfering type.

I feel its an amazing thing they're offering to do for us and I would feel terrible telling them we don't want their help, or that we do but only if they live at least three miles away and have to drive to see us. But I also don't want my DH to be unhappy and I feel like I have to respect his feelings. I'm struggling to see a solution to this. Can anyone help?

I don't see why people think the DH should expect to never see them? Surely if they don't move they will still visit, just a lot less often, and he would see them then? Obviously if they're there all weekend every weekend that's one thing, but is it really so unthinkable that he has to chat to his in-laws on a Saturday every now and again, and so they should be hidden away like some secret shame?

Just a year? Could they make it longer? I’ve only got a single but I’m finding the toddler stage harder than the baby stage.

I understand it might be off putting for him but I assume he won’t be the one at home with them?

Babies are hard! 2 babies... well I take my hat off to you. You’ll need support.

Your husband isn't the one who could be home alone with potentially premature twins and unable to drive or be particularly mobile after a c section. The help will be invaluable to you. It's quite selfish of him I think to deny you that based on his own feelings when he's not even around. Ensure your parents know you want some family time when he is there, I'm sure they will understand

If you get on well with your mum and dad this is a brilliant idea and especially so for you once OH goes back to work.
It’s very easy to see only the worst case scenario of your parents being present for your every move, but If what you say about them is true, they won’t want this any more than you, and if it looks as though things are heading that way it shouldn’t be too difficult to put boundaries in place so that you and OH have all the family time alone you want.
I can understand OH concerns, but his 3 mile suggestion is not the.best. If your parents are moving, providing they don’t have a spy camera in their window pointing in your direction they may as well move as close as possible. I may be putting myself in your place here, but when I had my first it was lovely just to be able to pop down the road with the baby and have someone make me a cup of tea that I could drink in peace. Similarly OH never refused an invite for a meal from them at their house after work - if only because it meant he had no washing up to do at home
I can’t see any mention of OH’s parents - could he be he is worried that they may be pushed out

Given the underlying and really obvious antipathy against in laws on here (e.g. the assumption that they will be interfering, overbearing etc) it’s interesting how few people acknowledge that Op’s DH might have some valid concerns about his all but moving in for a year.

It might well be a good idea on balance, but what if he finds them to be the nightmare overbearing in-laws we read so much about on here (a picture lots of people find recognisable and sympathise with).

He might have every reason to feel concerned about this so I wouldn’t ignore that. The worst outcome would be if this situation created more stress and anxiety for the family, as that’s the exact opposite of what it is supposed to achieve.

If he goes into this feeling comfortable with the boundaries/ground rules that are set at the outset then if his concerns are unfounded and it is all working really well it will be easy enough to relax them.

I would be really unhappy if my inlaws moved a 5 minute walk away. I like them a lot but it would be too much of an intrusion. An airbnb for a month would be better I think.

I’ve not RTFT but I have twins and it was hard when they were small. I had my parents and in-laws over during the day maybe once a week, they’d stay for dinner and then go home. It was great but tbh after a few weeks I found my way/routine and it was easier to just get in with it myself! I could get us all out the house in 15 minutes, with “help” and a lot of well intentioned faffing it would take at least twice that! Plus we started baby groups, meeting other parents (I know that may be different now!) and I found it a bit restrictive having to arrange visits around these, I was ready to start my new life and felt guilty not being around for grandparents.
It’s lovely to have involved grandparents but you might find, like I did, that it’s easier than you expect and you won’t need the support, you can just enjoy lovely grandparent visits when it suits you all.
Good luck OP, it’s amazing!

It’s not just about practical help with the babies though. Having a new baby can be a very isolating time and many women slip into PND. I did. For me it was because my DH, great as he was, was out at work all day and I was home alone never seeing or speaking to anyone else. I found that loneliness hugely depressing. So for me, it would be just about having parents I could walk to for a cup of tea and a chat. OP is very very lucky her parents have offered to be there for her emotionally at this time.

He is being naive and pretty selfish. I'd bite their hands off. Who is he proposing supports you while he's at work? How is he thinking to help reduce your risk of PND?

"Compromising" by having them a drive away is pointless and will make no actual difference to him apart from to temporarily placate him now. And would be a faff all the time for your parents.

He needs to speak to some parents - I've only got one and often say I have no clue how people manage with two, particularly if you have difficult ones.
They don't need to be around all weekend - he can take it all on then!!

I can see your husbands point and concerns but honestly as I parent of twins I feel he will be glad of them being around once the babies arrive.
I had my partner at home and found the first few weeks hard still and we already had 2 kids.
If he is going to be at work full time and your parents are offering help then I think it’s unreasonable of him to be like that, unless they have form for being overbearing

I think some people are also forgetting that, assuming OP is due fairly soon (and maybe even if not) this won't be 'normal' circumstances with baby groups etc. Isolation is always a concern for new mothers but the current circumstances have taken away a lot of the normal solutions to that so I'd be particularly keen to grab onto opportunities for not just help but company with both hands.

I had twins and a two year old. I sent DH back to work after a week as he was a hinderance. No family help at all bar the one off babysitting for Christmas shopping.

You can do this!!

Mine went full term, vaginal birth, no ICU.
Not all are. They put the worse case to you so you are prepared.

As a mother of twins, having someone else there is amazing - my mum stayed for 2 weeks and Mil stayed for two weeks too - they lived 4 hours away, The day Dh went back to work and left me alone, I couldn’t cope - he had to come back home - eventually I did learn how to do it but the first year was bloody hard with no help, upsets me even thinking about it 17 years on.

My Mum moved in with DH and I got a month after each child was born. I was so grateful too. Mum cooked us meals (cooking all DH favourites), cleaned the house, did the laundry and left DH and I to deal with baby. I can honestly say my Mum ran out home far more efficiently than I can and a better cook too. I was sorry to see her go home. Even DH made comment oh I was getting used to hot meal on table moment I got home.

I have twins and also had another dc, who was 2 years old, when they were born. My parents literally live on the next road, about a 3 min walk door to door. Honestly, it’s been a saving grace for me. They both work full time but it’s so nice knowing they’re round the corner. Mum would often make extra dinner and drop it over so I didn’t need to cook. Mum and dad would come and sit with the kids while I had a quick shower/ran hoover around. They’d pick dd up from school occasionally which was massively helpful as I didn’t have to drag 2 babies out the car. We have clear boundaries so, even though they have a key, they never jut turn up or let themselves in. We respect each other’s privacy and it’s not overbearing at all.

I'm a bit worried that you say your parents were "hands off". Are you sure they are actually going to be a help rather than a hindrance?

My parents were insistent that they were going to come round lots when the DC were young as I'd need the help. The reality was they weren't really interested in doing anything other than cuddle the baby (and my dad wasn't even interested in that being of the generation were looking after babies was women's work). They didn't want to be in sole charge of him, so I couldn't go off and do anything else, and they actually created work because they expected meals cooking and cups of tea making and for me to be sociable with them. It was a relief when they went away.

I had twins in a similar situation, I had no outside help and it was fine. Husband back at work after two or three weeks, I remember being worried and a friend came round for a couple of hours that day but otherwise it was just us.

My relatives occasionally came up to stay and would babysit for a few hours so DH and I could get out the house on our own but otherwise, it was fine. Personally I also wouldn’t have wanted anyone popping in and out - would you be happy if it was his mum and dad and not yours?

My babies came early but needed no special care, they were little but fine. They were also fairly easy babies, no colic or anything, which might sway my opinion.

I think it's your decision not his. He's going to be at work during the day. As long as they don't intrude during weekends then I don't think he has a say.

I still haven't forgiven DH for insisting we refuse my mums offer to look after 18 month old DS while we went to a wedding in Scotland. DH was convinced 'we' would manage. But as he was best man it was all left to me.

I missed the actual wedding, most of the meal, didn't get to eat and only had a couple of hours at the reception.

@multiplemum3

I don't understand all these people saying that he'll be desperate for help. A lot of people have twins, myself included, and I'm sure he'll be fine when he's not at work.

Yeah, twins aren't exactly hard to deal with when you're at work 10 hours a day and someone else is looking after them, and then you're home for a few hours in the evening and someone else is getting up to feed them during the night.

The one who'll be desperate for help is the OP, and the husband won't be the one to give it, because he's not there.

We have twins - please tell him he has won a lottery - your parents can help you when he is at work if privacy is an issue for him. It’s super important with twins you get into a routine as soon as possible - easier to do with more hands.
We started off just me, then my m’n’law came three days during the week (when hubby was at work). At six months we got an aupair...by 10months we added two days at nursery...but 12 months we added a 2nd aupair so had 12hrs a day of coverage. We lived in London and they were constantly picking up illnesses - at 12 months they had a vomiting / diareeah for 10 days and both needed 24hrs care. To be fair - my son had feeding and sleeping issues (didn’t sleep through the night until he was 4.5) so we prob needed more help than others. But my mum had 5 children within an 8 year period...and she said looking after my twins when they were young was much trickier than having 5 kids because very young babies often need constant attention and with twins need it at the same time.

My PIL were over pretty much daily after my first child was born and my aunt similar.

I only had one and it was extremely welcome.

YANBU

Omg, your parents sound amazing!

I can understand why your DH might be freaking out if he has no experience of babies, so doesn't understand how much work it will be with twins. But tbh as the primary caregiver your needs are paramount.

I had terrible PND in my first year at home with baby and I feel like having no family support was a big part of that. Do what you need to do to look after yourself and your babies.

Omg accept their offer to move nearby without any conditions.
Twins are exhausting, demanding, hilarious, fun, exhausting

You will more grateful than you can possibly imagine.

Tell him that if he doesn't want them around then they can help you during the week whilst he's at work. He can then do the majority of the work at weekends to give you a break!

I have 1yo twins and just wanted to say that in my case the c-section/recovery was a breeze and when my partner went back to work after 2 weeks, I managed just fine with no extra help. My mum came up to help for 10 days at 6 weeks and got annoyed that I didn't need her, just wanted her to have fun and be a granny.

I don't mean that as "oh aren't I a superhero"-just wanted to add a positive experience into the mix. It was hard work, but never a "struggle", I was (and still am) tired, but not exhausted. That said, I appreciate I got lucky with healthy babies who are average sleepers, and also my partner is very hands on when not at work- including at night.

It might be very hard, and you just won't know until they arrive. As you will be doing most of the childcare (not to mention giving birth!), it is down to you really to say what help you would or would not like. As long as you set boundaries you all agree on for your parents and are willing to be the one who enforces them if necessary, I think you should have them nearby if you want and your partner shouldn't be able to veto that. It's not like they're actually moving in with you!

Good luck and I hope it all goes well for all of you!