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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my parents to live near us when I have twins?

160 replies

Sparkly101 · 03/10/2020 20:47

I am pregnant with identical twins. Identical twins mean a relatively high risk pregnancy, likely a cesaerean and a good chance the babies will come early and may need to be in NICU for a while. My husband will be starting a new job not long before the due date, they have said he can take 2 weeks off but he will be working full time after that.

Me and my DH live about 2 hours drive from either set of parents. My parents want to move nearer for a year so they can help us with the babies in the early months, and they're looking at renting a house only a five minute walk from us.

My husband is freaking out, he doesn't really want them to come at all and especially not so close. He's convinced my parents will be round all the time and he won't get any time just us and the babies. He's particularly bothered by the fact my mum is really excited about her first grandchildren, he takes that as a sign she won't be able to stay away. If i say i think we'll really appreciate the help because twins will be hard, he says I'm focusing on the negatives.

My parents are insistent they won't be around more than we want. They want to be close partly because my mum has arthritis and it's getting painful to drive too much. I believe them because they were pretty hands off parents when I was growing up, they're not the interfering type.

I feel its an amazing thing they're offering to do for us and I would feel terrible telling them we don't want their help, or that we do but only if they live at least three miles away and have to drive to see us. But I also don't want my DH to be unhappy and I feel like I have to respect his feelings. I'm struggling to see a solution to this. Can anyone help?

OP posts:

HollyGoLoudly1 · 04/10/2020 07:57

I would bite their hand off. We live 10 mins away from my parents and it was an absolute godsend in those first few months with my DS, who slept and fed poorly. I found it difficult enough even with a lot of support and that was only with 1 baby! I think he's being a bit naive about how tough this is going to be. Take all the help you can get.

seayork2020 · 04/10/2020 07:57

If the mum came in here 'my ILs have decided they are moving 5 mins away so they can help us' there would be cries of 'put your foot down, you cannot let that happen, they are unhinged they are trying to control you and take over- your dh has to have your back and stand up to them'

I love my parents and ILs but no way would we want them 5 mins away. And no offence to my son but I won't want to be living 5 mins from him when I am retired

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2020 07:58

Why does he have thus impression of your parents when you think they’re pretty hands-off?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 04/10/2020 08:02

@seayork2020

I love my parents and ILs but no way would we want them 5 mins away. And no offence to my son but I won't want to be living 5 mins from him when I am retired

I would still be wanting the help personally but also I do think it's different with IL's. My parents were over during the day mostly, when DH was at work, and helping ME as much as the baby. I was happy to sit topless, sobbing and leaking, in front of my own mum. My MIL, not so much!

PeachForTheStars · 04/10/2020 08:03

He will be on his knees pleading and begging for them to come round after a few weeks! Newborns sleep a lot at first but once they hit their stride it will be relentless.

fabulous40s · 04/10/2020 08:10

Haha he’ll be singing a different tune when they twins arrive. My DH pretty much fell in love with my mum after all the support she offered in those early days, and we only had one child, not two to contend with.you can’t explain how much your life is about to be turned upside down.

As a test, wake him up every hour throughout the night and get him to do a small chore - a piece of ironing at midnight, unload the dishwasher at 1am, fold the laundry at 2 am. Do that all night. Then send him off to a full day at work. See how he feels when he comes home. And no rest, it starts again as soon as he gets home. No decompressing once he gets back from work, no lie in on Saturday to make up for last sleep. That’s what it’s like being woken by night feeds. You will both need some help

This is a rude awakening for your DH but ... life is no longer going to be about him and his wants and needs- the babies are gonna come first for a long time, and so will you. Having your parents around the corner will be invaluable to you. He’s going to be at work for most of the time, so it’s very selfish of him to leave you to suffer at home by yourself so that he can have a romantic view of this bonding time.

As others have suggested, have some dedicated family time the 4 of you. But seriously have you parents there.

fabulous40s · 04/10/2020 08:12

Pa show him this thread! Lots of women have trodden this path before you guys, take their advice

LilyLongJohn · 04/10/2020 08:19

I can see both sides tbh. Having had kids (not twins) I'd have bitten my parents hands off if they'd offered to help as much as yours do, my IL maybe not so much.

I think your dh needs to take a better look and maybe talk to other parents who've had twins and have a rethink. Maybe show him this thread

Trixie18 · 04/10/2020 08:21

I have twins, they're great but hard work. Let them move, I think you'll find once the babies come your husband will be so thankful your parents are nearby to help, his reservations will disappear overnight 🤣🤣🤣
Your parents won't be over too often, it's too exhausting! Be prepared for your husband not to go back to work if the babies are in NICU. Ours were in for 10 weeks after they came and my husband had the entire time off, there was no way he could work. Luckily his boss was really understanding but I'd advise you to think about ways he could take some extra time off if needed. Good luck x

Bluegrass · 04/10/2020 08:24

Completely understand why he would be freaking out is he is facing the prospect of his mother in law/father in law being there all the time during the first year of establishing yourselves as a family. Unless you are on the same page about wanting time as a family of 4 it could quickly feel completely suffocating. I think careful expectation management is needed.

Babyboomtastic · 04/10/2020 08:40

I think he'll come to realise it's a good idea, and having a babysitter in hand means you might even get some time off together, which might appeal to him.

What I would say though is to be careful if it is definitely only going to be for a year - the relationship will be established between your parents and the twins and it'll be a hard break for them to move away. And a lot harder for you potentially. just to warn you, we needed help far more with 12-24m than 0-12. Some people find the baby stage hardest, some the toddler stage, and you don't want your support disappearing when it gets really tough. That's not a reason to decline at all,bits a great offer from them, but just bear in mind what happens after.

missbipolar · 04/10/2020 08:42

I'd just tell him it was happening! He's not going to be there most the time! I also think that the idea of blocking the GPs spending any time with their grandchildren when he's home/on weekends disgusting- why should they miss out because he's a wanker who thinks he needs matter more?

PearPickingPorky · 04/10/2020 09:18

This is actually a genius idea.

(Can someone please explain why the point that that areidentical twins keeps being made? Are identical twins harder/different to non-identical twins?)

IdblowJonSnow · 04/10/2020 09:20

I think it's your call op. It's you that's going to be living it. He'll be at work all day every day.
If you have a good relationship and arent concerned they'll be overbearing then it's a very generous and lovely offer and a great opportunity.
I think he's being a bit selfish.
I was exhausted for a long time with just the one! Go for it.

Waveysnail · 04/10/2020 09:22

Make the point he probably wont see them if they come.round during the day while he is at work? And if your parents are decent cooks I'm sure he will appreciate if they help.with the cooking

Bubbletrouble43 · 04/10/2020 09:25

Your parents sound ace. I'm guessing he will be out at work all day 5 days a week. You will really appreciate your parents being near. My Dm walked dog and brought casseroles/ fish pies etc almost every evening for the first few weeks and it was a godsend I cannot describe. Accept their kind offer is my advice.

frogswimming · 04/10/2020 09:29

Ooo you're so lucky to have your parents doing that for you. I had twins with no help and it's exhausting. Grab their hands off!

(Wonderful as well as exhausting. but still Exhausting)

Also I was induced at 37 weeks, no cesarean or special care unit.

Waveysnail · 04/10/2020 09:31

And make the point that the nearer the better as they wont feel the need to stay at yours for long periods as they can pop back and forth to their own house

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 04/10/2020 09:34

His concerns and feeling are valid- however

Honestly, his feelings and needs have to be second to yours for a while.

You are pregnant, and you've got a harder road ahead of you than most. He should not be turning down any support that is available to you.

It's one year, he can suck it up. His whole life is about to be thrown into a blender anyway.

Congratulations on your twins.

Hardbackwriter · 04/10/2020 09:37

We recently moved from 90mins-2hrs from both sets of parents and now we're a five minute walk from DH's parents (yes, my in-laws ) and a 20 min drive from mine. It's great, and we actually have lots fewer issues with them taking over our lives - we do, of course, see them more frequently but it used to be that seeing them would be essentially a whole day activity, now they come for a cup of tea, stay an hour then go. It also feels a lot easier to say 'actually we have plans so we're not around this weekend' when we'll see them again soon.

ComicePear · 04/10/2020 09:44

I'm with you, OP, but it would be better if your DH was on board with the decision too.

So you could think about ways of compromising. Eg maybe a bit further away so they're not literally around the corner? Or for 6 months initially rather than a year (most rental properties have a 6 month break clause)? Something like that may make him feel more comfortable about the idea.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/10/2020 09:47

I can see both sides.

If - big if - they move I think you need to really set out guidelines I.e. no popping round unannounced, no coming round at weekends, or whatever works for your DH. Which they may feel is insulting having moved at huge expense and inconvenience to them.

Mischance · 04/10/2020 09:49

Could you suggest that they perform their supportive role during the day on weekdays when your OH is at work? That way you get the help at times when it is most needed and your OH still gets time with just the 3 of you together. If they are reasonable people they will understand the reasons.

Mischance · 04/10/2020 09:49

And if they are not reasonable people, you might prefer not to have their help anyway!

Cocolapew · 04/10/2020 09:50

If they were hands off parents why do you think they will be any different now? They are older and your mum has arthritis. If my in-laws moved 5 minutes away I'd pack up
Good luck

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