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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my parents to live near us when I have twins?

160 replies

Sparkly101 · 03/10/2020 20:47

I am pregnant with identical twins. Identical twins mean a relatively high risk pregnancy, likely a cesaerean and a good chance the babies will come early and may need to be in NICU for a while. My husband will be starting a new job not long before the due date, they have said he can take 2 weeks off but he will be working full time after that.

Me and my DH live about 2 hours drive from either set of parents. My parents want to move nearer for a year so they can help us with the babies in the early months, and they're looking at renting a house only a five minute walk from us.

My husband is freaking out, he doesn't really want them to come at all and especially not so close. He's convinced my parents will be round all the time and he won't get any time just us and the babies. He's particularly bothered by the fact my mum is really excited about her first grandchildren, he takes that as a sign she won't be able to stay away. If i say i think we'll really appreciate the help because twins will be hard, he says I'm focusing on the negatives.

My parents are insistent they won't be around more than we want. They want to be close partly because my mum has arthritis and it's getting painful to drive too much. I believe them because they were pretty hands off parents when I was growing up, they're not the interfering type.

I feel its an amazing thing they're offering to do for us and I would feel terrible telling them we don't want their help, or that we do but only if they live at least three miles away and have to drive to see us. But I also don't want my DH to be unhappy and I feel like I have to respect his feelings. I'm struggling to see a solution to this. Can anyone help?

OP posts:

Shizzlestix · 03/10/2020 22:52

Tricky, but as pp said, they could be round when your dh is at work. I think keeping weekends sacrosanct is a fab idea, unless your dh can’t cope with full time work then a full on weekend of twins! I understand his worries, particularly as they will be the first grandchildren and your mum is already excited. Just remember boundaries and be tiger mum if you need to reinforce them.

Yeahnahmum · 03/10/2020 22:57

Set up rules. So that your parents only come over when your husbands at work and that they only come mo-fri. See how that works in the beginning. Setting up boundries sounds very important in this situation. I wouldnt want my pil over all the time either. The thought of them over all the time would stress me out. But that is only an initial thought ...maybe your husband will change his mind after a few /weeks months . Also ifeel like you shouldnt depend too heavily on your parents either because if they do come over all the time it is going to be much harder on yourself after the initial first year. Just keep them as a back up. Or emotional support etc. Or when you could use a sleep in every now and then. Or even just non baby related things like groceries and stuff.

Anyway. Just talk to your dh first. See whay he feels what he worries about etc. His feelings are valid too

Skyla2005 · 03/10/2020 22:58

I think it’s so lovely that your parents are willing to do this for you ! And I know that you are definitely going to need some help once he is back at work ! It’s very hard work. It’s exhausting and nothing can prepare you for it. He will be at work and you will need back up. I don’t see why he would deprive you of this help. I’m sure they wouldn’t be turning up when he is at home it would just be so helpful during the day while he is at work and I honestly think he is being selfish to refuse their help. The first year is physically and emotionally draining if he loves you he should want you to have help and support while he is not there. Good luck

BabyYoda · 03/10/2020 23:02

Take any and all help that is offered. Only twin mums understand how intense the first year is. I suffered needlessly for a lot of it, I wish I had asked for more help.

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2020 23:03

Just make sure they now it's helping during office hours only so you and your dh can have time together with the babies.

peachesgreen · 03/10/2020 23:03

I think it's completely understandable that he doesn't want them there all evening and weekends when it's family time but whilst he's at work it's completely up to you what support you want. I think it's a lovely offer and one I would accept but I would just establish some boundaries.

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2020 23:03

know not now

GabsAlot · 03/10/2020 23:21

he has noidea does

is he going to help when he gets in or will he be to tired coz of all the work he has to do

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2020 23:39

@LittleMissLockdown

I can see why he is reluctant, it's very close and it would be hard for him to actually ask them to go home if he wanted some family time without appearing rude.

As much as extra help would be lovely it does sound rather stifling. Plus I would also take into account that he's probably also irrationally worried they will get to spend so much time with the twins whilst he misses out by working.

So because of that, the OP has to struggle on alone?

Identical twins are a delight. And a hell of a lot of work.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2020 23:42

Set up rules. So that your parents only come over when your husbands at work and that they only come mo-fri. See how that works in the beginning

How to make them feel like hired help and not family!

Yes, set boundaries. But if they're that rigid then it won't work.

rainingallspring · 04/10/2020 01:11

Set up rules. So that your parents only come over when your husbands at work and that they only come mo-fri. See how that works in the beginning

God forbid he'd ever come face to face with the people supporting his wife and his twins.

justilou1 · 04/10/2020 01:32

My twins are 14 now but the first 2-3 weeks are a doddle. This is when they suck you in and make you think you’ve got this. They wake up and turn into gremlins after that and develop their own eating & sleeping schedules and you will both be knackered. I think he should suck it up & be gracious.

Italiangreyhound · 04/10/2020 03:31

I agree with Skyla2005 and I think your dh would be very selfish OP if he turned down this help.

However, I understand that your husband doesn't want to see his in-laws all the time. That's a fair point.

You, OP, want to see them and be supported by them and they want to support you. So if it is to work then it does need to be a case of not intruding on your time as a family unit. Will your parents be able to accept that?

If the parents relocate for a year they will need to pursue some activities and contacts locally so they can have fun and socialize etc. It works both ways.

Android18 · 04/10/2020 06:52

I had twins a bit before lockdown and also a 2yo DC. My DH also had 2 weeks paternity leave then went straight back to full time work. My family live miles and miles away.
Honestly, I cried with joy when lockdown was announced. It meant someone could help me during the day, and I was at breaking point. You will need support when your DH is at work. He will get time with the babies after work and at weekends. Who cares what he thinks when he is not going to be the one in the trenches, so to speak.

mrsmummy1111 · 04/10/2020 07:02

With all due respect, he's not the one at home with the babies all day Monday - Friday. If he's denying you help from your parents, is he willing to pay for alternative help if you need it?
In normal circumstances obviously I wouldn't randomly be asking if someone's husband was going to pay for hired help - however you're being offered support during arguably one of the hardest parts of motherhood, not to mention the emotional support that comes with it, and he's trying to take that away from you. Some days when DC was newborn, I just needed my mum there so I could cry for a minute on her.
Talk to him rationally and just explain, you're alone during the day with 2 new babies while he's at work. Let your parents come and if they're fairly relaxed and laid back anyway, you can probably have a private conversation with them explaining that weekends are the only time DH really gets with the babies and you want to make sure he gets as much bonding time as possible with them.
In reality, after sleepless nights and working all week, your husband will be bloody glad of your parents help at the weekends too!!!! But you can't say that to him yet. Let him figure it out himself.

EmbarrassedUser · 04/10/2020 07:24

The fact is, Technically speaking, they COULD drive over every day from where they live now! I appreciate it would likely be a 5 hour journey in all but the point is that there would be nothing your husband could do to stop them. Could there be a compromise that they only come over 3 x a week (for example) and stay during office hours? Your DH may find he’s surprised by how useful he finds it.

Anycrispsleft · 04/10/2020 07:31

Your parents sound lovely, and assuming they are the good people they sound like, who will offer help that is needed and not get the hump if you want time alone with the kids and your DH, then it will be awesome having them around.

I would say do nothing. You and your DH can't actually stop them moving if they want to and you're probably not going to be able to convince your DH he is wrong about baby twin life before they actually arrive (and he is hit with an icy cold blast of reality!) so why make yourself the bearer of bad news? Just let it all roll.

multiplemum3 · 04/10/2020 07:44

I don't understand all these people saying that he'll be desperate for help. A lot of people have twins, myself included, and I'm sure he'll be fine when he's not at work.

Cactuslove · 04/10/2020 07:47

To be honest I don't understand his view at all. If he works full time then he can't really have an opinion on what you do when you're on your own to manage twins.

donaldtrumpsarmpit · 04/10/2020 07:50

Your DPs sound amazing. Your DH needs to give his head a wobble.

SecretBlue · 04/10/2020 07:50

I've got say I'm going against the grain here.

I feel sorry for your husband! 5 minutes away!! Now that would freak me out and I love my parents. 5 minutes away!!!!

I feel really, really sorry for your husband, it's meant to be a partnership and you're not thinking of him at all.

You only have to read the threads on mumsnet about in-laws living too close. Your poor husband :(

Theworldisfullofgs · 04/10/2020 07:54

Is he going to be at home permanently to help you? If not, then its your choice.

I didn't get on brilliantly with my dmum and then my 1st arrived and she came round, told me to go and have a nap and did my ironing. It was amazing. Any help is brilliant and the fact that they're willing to do this for you...

Take any help you can. I'm sure you can work out something that's best for you and them.

EmmaJR1 · 04/10/2020 07:55

He should be taking any help that's offered to you. He isn't the one going to be home with 2 babies on his own.

He's going to be learning the ropes in his new job and meeting new people. You are going to be struggling with the logistics of getting out of the house with 2 tiny people.

Also trying to cook, shower, eat, drink something hot, have a conversation that's not baby talk, get dressed and so on.

My in-laws live in my annex and they have been life savers! My mum lives 45 mins away and again it's a massive help to just have some where different to go where someone else can watch them whilst you decompress with a cup of tea for 5 minutes!

ellentree · 04/10/2020 07:56

It would bother me too as it's just for a year, so how much of their own social life will they have a chance to establish (especially in covid times). I'd feel very responsible for making sure they were happy if they were doing that for me. I'd prefer them to get an air bnb for a month after my husband returned to work and help out a lot in those few weeks while you're physically recovering and then go home and let you get in with it.

HermioneKipper · 04/10/2020 07:56

@SecretBlue