Friend of mine just refused to meet for coffee today as I am a teacher working with Covid infected children all day!

[Quarks69]

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?

I had to sit in a towel and bin bag and wasn't allowed to touch anything

Are you kidding? How rude! I am not sure I would be going again if someone expected me to sit on a bin bag AND towel in the garden.

I don't work in a high risk job, and we were all wfh at the time so very low risk - and my parents made us sit on our OWN chairs (we had to bring them) and the other side of their patio with our own picnic - we were lined up a like a firing squad

They could barely hear us speaking we were so far away!! Children were expected to pee in the garden. I had to stop at a layby. So you don't have to be in medicine to be treated like a leper toddler!!!!

Never ever again....

Sorry but you are higher risk of catching it and passing it on with being exposed to hundreds of kids in school. Your friend is being sensible. Could you meet outside instead if she is happier with that?

I think you are over reacting

I lost a friend because she made huge drama after a visit to my house before this whole COVID shitshow started bevshse my DH was a key worker and she caught a flu and assumed it’s from
Us. That’s weird

So now I tell everyone I meet about key workers in my bubble and that if they’re sheilding then we keep it to phone calls

It’s not personal. People have different vulnerability levels to the virus. But she should’ve told u ahead of timr.

It’s not personal

YABU. This is unprecedented times and people are entitled to react and behave how they want. Not sure why you feel ‘betrayed’, maybe she just doesn’t want to go out and put herself at risk? Maybe members of her family are higher risk and she doesn’t want to risk that just for a coffee?

I can see both sides my chemistry teaching bf is'nt seeing us as we have clinically vulnerable member of the family...and dc going back to school has increased our germ exposure enough for us...so we not seeeing people either ..

in fact shes not seeing anyone really - as has 3 different schools in her family mix and thinks that enough 'contagion load'
we did manage to catch up outside before schools went back .....hopefully the weather will be good enough at half term..for external meets

we both miss coffee n a chat just us as the zoomy type stuff is generly family and not the same..
and neither are good phone people....so mainly just whatsapp links/memes..

its crap but not betrayal... dont blame her for the poor support and ridiculous expectations being put on schools

YABU - in the circumstances you need to accept everyone should only do what they are ok with. It's only like if you had a cold, someone might not choose to socialise with you.

I'm not a teacher, but DH teaches university (currently face to face); 3 kids, 2 in secondary, their 3 different schools all have confirmed COVID cases in multiple years. I reckon my getting it is only matter of time - so I am limiting unnecessary contact (not much choice here in Liverpool just now anyway).

@nosswith So the reasonable concern about meeting in a coffee shop does not seem to me a reason for cancelling last minute.

People are allowed to reflect, reassess and change their mind, you know. Personally I would hate to think that I was sat across a table from a friend who was on edge all the time with worry and who was only coming out to meet me because I had guilted them into it. I would be an appalling friend if I was happy to put her through that because “it’s not on cancelling last minute/it’s a betrayal” or whatever

I’m seriously shocked at some of the attitudes towards others and their feelings and decisions. It’s ever so slightly bunny boiler-ish.

You can still catch up online and have a coffee while you’re chatting. Not sure what the problem is that some people have with that. They can still “support” you that way. Or do you think that, for example, support like Samaritans helplines are useless to someone who is suicidal?

You feel stunned and betrayed? Maybe your overdramatic response to things is why she cancelled!!

Not wishing to derail, but just out of interest is everyone outside of locked down areas still meeting up? Or are many reining in socialising for now? The country seems to have split into two. I have some friends that have fallen off the radar and are not meeting up, and others that are out most days meeting others/ going to the gym/eating out.

@Toddlerteaplease

I'm a nurse on a clean ward. My usually sensible parents treated me like an absolute leper the first time I went round to their garden. I had to sit in a towel and bin bag and wasn't allowed to touch anything. Because we worked all the way through, my colleagues and I are very relaxed about going out and forget that other people are very anxious about it.

Your last sentence is exactly why it's spreading and we're in the second wave! If health care "professionals" don't follow the rules/laws, we really do have a problem.

I really feel for all the teachers in this. Well, all key workers.

OP I was nervous to meet up with two friends who have been furloughed like me because one has children who have been back in school a few weeks now. I decided I would anyway, and they were good enough to agree to wear masks.

I have declined to meet up with a friend who is a teacher for this reason. She said she understood and would feel the same as me in my shoes. But I'm vulnerable and so are my housemates, so I'm more worried about bringing it home to them than I am about offending my mates by speaking politely but honestly with them. I see them all on video calls and am quite happy with that.

I don't think your attitude is fair OP. You say that society expects you to put yourself at risk but then state that it's only a tiny risk for your friend to meet you. If you're working in a high risk situation as you initially state, it is indeed quite a risk for her to meet with you. She doesn't owe it to you to put herself at risk as well because you're finding it tough. In fact the more people are cautious like your friend, the fewer cases will be circulating among the population and the safer you'll be at work. If she cut all contact and refused to speak to you then that would be unreasonable of course, but it's not unreasonable for her to choose not to support you in this one specific way which does genuinely put her at increased risk. There's lots of other ways you could keep in touch.

As someone else said, presumably she didn't just find out today that you were a teacher, so it's rude to cancel on you last minute like that instead of saying that she didn't feel comfortable at the time of making the arrangement.

But it's quite possible that things have changed since making the arrangement. Maybe there's been a rapid jump in cases in the area where you live. Maybe there have been Covid cases in your school (even if not among people to whom you have been directly exposed) or in other schools in the area. Maybe she has ups and downs with her own mental health. Maybe she's just been informed of some activity that she needs to do, that would become impossible if she became ill or even just needed to self-isolate for 2 weeks.

And going out for a coffee is not one of those activities that is usually seen as very formal or requiring lots of effort or expense from the host, that would go to waste if someone cancelled. People do cancel on such events, sometimes at the last minute, sometimes for far more trivial reasons. I would feel a bit annoyed if someone did it regularly, but not if it was once in a blue moon, and I certainly wouldn't feel betrayed.

You've got the Lurgy

She isn't an unreasonable friend, maybe a bit anxious...can you not buy a take away coffee and go for a walk instead?

@user1497207191

You can follow all the current rules without having to sit in a bin bag.

I completely get you OP. It’s nice that everyone is being sympathetic to your friend, who might well be anxious, but you’re not allowed to be anxious, are you? You just have to get on with it.

This.

There is so much hypocrisy on MN around covid and schools.

During lockdown the majority of Teachers who expressed even the mildest reservations on MN about schools reopening with no PPE and social distancing were flamed for it. They were accused of being lazy, not caring about their students or told to get help for their anxiety as they were clearly overreacting since the risks of them catching covid were negligible. But apparently OP's friend has every right to be concerned about catching covid from her, OP needs to accept that she is actually high risk (contrary to what she's been told for months) and lots of posters are saying they wouldn't meet up with someone who works in a school either.

No wonder OP is feeling low and so something like this meet up feels like a big deal. Basically, as long as she's minding their kids so they can WFH in peace people couldn't give a shit.

Your last sentence is exactly why it's spreading and we're in the second wave! If health care "professionals" don't follow the rules/laws, we really do have a problem.

she is on a clean ward though!

@user1497207191

Are health care 'professionals' not allowed out now?

care assistants were also flamed for not wanting to work!
that is mumsnet though!

@Washimal exactly. Couldn't agree more.

@Washimal

Well said.

To be turned down on the day (when she can reschedule with another friend who she deems acceptably risk free in her cosy safe work-from-home world).

That's a very snidey comment from a stranger on the internet who has no idea if the friend is meeting anyone.

@user1497207191

Also can also follow them without feeling anxious, I just check I've got hand sanitizer, a mask, a sense of personal space, and go out the door.

user1497207191

Toddlerteaplease didn’t say she wasn’t following the rules she said she was relaxed about the situation and forgets about how anxious others feel.

I’m the same and so are all my colleagues we had to face it right from the start and we were all very anxious but now that we have faced it dealt with it’s the anxiety lessons over time. I’ve seen how awful so called mild symptoms are I still worry at times about catching it but I am not anxious

We are not the reason the virus is spreading the reason is life has returned to some normality and the virus is still around its was inevitable cases would increase

wash op is not working out of the goodness of her heart, she is not doing it to be charitable she is being paid to work!
Some areas are higher risk than others, supermarket workers, healthcare, social care, nursery staff, prison staff, beauty sector etc - it is just what it is.
So op works in a place at slightly higher risk, that still does not give her the god given right to demand others see her for support!!

She is not 'minding' anyone's kids, she is supposed to be teaching them!