Friend of mine just refused to meet for coffee today as I am a teacher working with Covid infected children all day!

[Quarks69]

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?

I would meet you but I think she has a point - not because you might have it but because you might be told to self-isolate and then so does she. I am minimising indoor contacts of all kinds because I do not want to be stuck at home for 14 days. I work from home too, it's not work, it's being able to get out and about.

However, goodness knows why she didn't just say at the outset she didn't want to meet you. Or was it because the weather was so awful and she had thought you could perhaps sit outside?

@StaffAssociationRepresentative

But people did imply that teachers were paranoid/lazy etc. Now we are all back at work it looks like we will be treated like lepers!

If a teacher said the school is full of COVID kids we would be lynched by posters!

With many it is a case of ‘I’m alright Jack’. They probably have kids birthday etc but god forbid they are near a teacher ...

It seems a bit unfair to muddle a general lack of consideration for teachers with one person opting to stay at home today.

They were meeting for a coffee!! If OP gets this upset over a coffee, perhaps the friend has other reasons for keeping distance.

Friendships shouldn't be a duty with set rules. I would feel so suffocated if I cancelled a coffee and my friend was stunned and betrayed. I would dread contact with that person who was clearly placing a lot of responsibility for their wellbeing on me!

Because we worked all the way through, my colleagues and I are very relaxed about going out and forget that other people are very anxious about it.

It's not necessarily anxiety, just that the only thing most of us can do to help is try to limit our exposure by sticking to essential contact only.

Those of us who barely went outside for six months had it drilled into us that we needed to take measures to ensure that we're not contributing to the problem, so we didn't see friends, family and colleagues and tried to limit our exposure.

Schools going back was a huge and necessary increase in risk, so if people feel as though they want to mitigate a necessary risk by avoiding an unnecessary one, then that seems sensible and reasonable rather than anxious or smug.

I do think that people's experience of lockdown has really had an impact on their perception of that risk, on both sides, as this situation demonstrates. Hopefully the OP and her friend will meet in the middle somewhere, both literally and metaphorically.

For various reasons lots of people a choosing to limit their contact with others. Since DC have returned to school I have decided that this and work are my priorities. Anything extra that is is non essential and potentially risks 14 days isolating I consider very carefully. This is not due a fear of the virus itself but because I want to avoid additional risks of having to isolate and the stress that would bring.

Um ... well I would not want to chance infecting my friend. So I would have said myself I can’t go for coffee. Because you just don’t know. You’re in a high infection risk work environment, unfortunately.

How would you feel if she caught it from you? Is it worth that risk for a coffee? Why not have a FaceTime coffee?

[quote Piwlyfbicsly]@Belladonna12
But the job of a teacher is to teach. Phonics, maths, whatever. Not to be all in one.
There are schools apparently with the policy of a parent collecting a child for every possible reason due to teachers being at risk of such a close contact. Would you be willing? Nurseries where staff are not allowed to hug a crying toddler for the same reason. Do you agree with that? After all, everyone deserves a safe workplace. Right? Teachers are not paid that much.[/quote]
Not sure I understand how your point is relevant to the question of whether OP's friend should meet her for coffee. Many jobs aren't totally safe at the moment. Being a parent to a schoolchild is certainly not particularly safe either. Doesn't mean I'm going to meet up with anyone for coffee at the moment.

Did you only ask her today or was it something that was arranged previously?

@Belladonna12
I don’t think that “coffee” is the problem, but unwillingness to find a solution to meet up for a socially distanced walk/outdoor coffee etc. There are lots of ways to meet! Not simply I cancel on you because you are a teacher mixed with hundreds of germ ridden kids.
It’s the first time I think that schools must be shut due to being unsafe for teachers. And I will be suffering from it being a mother of 2 primary school aged children! Teachers are blamed for everything under the sun, forced to work in completely unsafe conditions, and now they are avoided like a plague. Everyone is entitled to their own risk assessment, I agree with that. But I think some people got a bit lost in their perfect WFH bubble and their judgement is a bit off. I hope OP will be making her own assessment in the future as whom is best avoided for the sake of her mental health.

Each one of us has the right to decide what level of caution we wish to exercise. And if a person chooses to isolate from another person it's nothing 'personal', it's their prerogative. And if someone decides not to observe precautions or is put in that situation because of work, it's not to be taken personally if someone chooses not to be around them.

I have a friend who is still almost totally isolating herself, still shopping online, grocery delivery, allowing no one in her home etc. This makes her feel safe and doesn't impact any one else. If she chooses not to see me because I choose to wear a mask and socially distance but go to the grocery store or do other essential tasks that's OK with me. What's important is that each of us feel safe.

If OP's friend doesn't feel safe meeting for coffee, the OP's need for companionship does NOT trump her friend's desire to be safe.

Some people need to go to work. Others don't.
By staying at home or socially distancing, those who can are protecting those who need to go to work. Less crowding, and less exposure for those who need to get out.

Your friend doesn't owe you a meeting because you've been risking exposure. She is doing her bit to keep you safe too. And the teachers who teach her kids (if she has any).

It's not anxiety, necessarily.

@Lweji

By that logic, anyone who has a child who is going to school should also be avoiding any meet ups with their friends for the foreseeable future, no matter how socially distanced?

Honestly I can see her point. Two of sil are teachers. They each were fine during lockdown, since being back at school both have had colds/cough. (Not COVID but there's been COVID in both their schools)
I'd meet them still but they have chosen not to see us once they went back to work as myself and my youngest dd are in the shielding category and they both feel it is not safe - that it's only a matter of time before they catch it.
It's very upsetting but we all have to do what we feel is right.
I'm sorry you're disappointed.

I probably would've come up with some excuse (lie) that meant I didn't have to come right out and tell you I was afraid you'd infect me, but I don't blame her for not wanting to increase her risk of catching it.

Rightly or wrongly, she perceives meeting with you as a risk above what she feels comfortable with. It doesn't mean she doesn't value you as a friend, and it's not a betrayal.

It's "just" a coffee. Neither of you have any reason to believe that this is the last chance you'll have to see one another. I'd try not to take it personally.

[quote Piwlyfbicsly]@Belladonna12
I don’t think that “coffee” is the problem, but unwillingness to find a solution to meet up for a socially distanced walk/outdoor coffee etc. There are lots of ways to meet! Not simply I cancel on you because you are a teacher mixed with hundreds of germ ridden kids.
It’s the first time I think that schools must be shut due to being unsafe for teachers. And I will be suffering from it being a mother of 2 primary school aged children! Teachers are blamed for everything under the sun, forced to work in completely unsafe conditions, and now they are avoided like a plague. Everyone is entitled to their own risk assessment, I agree with that. But I think some people got a bit lost in their perfect WFH bubble and their judgement is a bit off. I hope OP will be making her own assessment in the future as whom is best avoided for the sake of her mental health.[/quote]
I agree that she should consider meeting for an outdoor coffee or walk. I don't think schools are any more unsafe for teachers than they are for the parents of the children. Neither is in a particularly safe position at the moment but everyone needs to weigh the benefits with the risks. Whether or not the friend is lost in a "WFH bubble" depends on whether she is a parent. If she is, she's not really in a bubble and is already at risk. She just doesn't want to add to the risk.

Yeah that’s shit. No need to make you feel like a leper.

YABU. Everyone needs to make decisions for themselves and the people they are in contact with. Every time I meet someone for coffee or a drink, I'm increasing my risk, and the risk of those in my household. It's not personal. As a secondary teacher, you are in contact with a lot of potentially asymptomatic carriers. She made the right call.

@Janevaljane

Yes, we'll have occasional breakouts for ever probably. It's really not fatal for the vast majority, which is worth keeping in mind.

No one knows how the body will react to it, you could have no symptoms, mild dose, full blown sickness or long term Covid. You could pass it on etc.

I’d not be sad to lose a friend who felt the need to put coffee over my need to keep safe as much as possible. Plenty of other ways to get support without going for coffee.

I'm a bit confused. I thought Covid didn't spread in schools as they are all so Covid safe (Boris said so). So why would anyone feel the need to stay away from teachers ? We obviously can't catch it or spread it more than anyone else if kids are no risk ?
Infact I'd have thought teachers are the safest people to meet as we work with children who can't pass it on apparently. Strange.🧐

God god. We are still in a pandemic. Why are you trying to meet people outside of the home or work anyway?

Please be responsible. Yes, It's a pain, yes it is restricting. But people are still dying.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

Haven't you met any friends or family outside of your household or work since March? Not even for a socially distanced walk or garden visit?

@mumsneedwine

I'm a bit confused. I thought Covid didn't spread in schools as they are all so Covid safe (Boris said so). So why would anyone feel the need to stay away from teachers ? We obviously can't catch it or spread it more than anyone else if kids are no risk ? Infact I'd have thought teachers are the safest people to meet as we work with children who can't pass it on apparently. Strange.🧐

You summarised my point of view perfectly well. I just can't comprehend the hypocrisy of it all.

I had the same feelings of betrayal when lockdown was easing and some friends were like this because I work in a hospital. It opens your eyes doesn’t it, and it’s quite hurtful. Luckily they were ok meeting for walks after a bit so we just did that.

I think YABU, just a little bit.

We are in the middle of a pandemic. People will assess the risks they want to take.

Right now I'm hardly seeing any friends socially because it's bad enough having lots of contacts at school. When I am seeing people, I'm meeting for walks outside.

I'd be a bit upset if a friend couldn't see past their desire for a coffee to see that I'm trying to minimise my family's exposure to Covid.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

God god. We are still in a pandemic. Why are you trying to meet people outside of the home or work anyway?

Please be responsible. Yes, It's a pain, yes it is restricting. But people are still dying.

It’s perfectly responsible to meet with friends if you keep your distance and ideally stay outside. It’s perfectly legal inside (apart from in certain areas), but I do prefer outside as it feels safer.

Keeping in contact with people is important for your general well-being.

@mumsneedwine

I'm a bit confused. I thought Covid didn't spread in schools as they are all so Covid safe (Boris said so). So why would anyone feel the need to stay away from teachers ? We obviously can't catch it or spread it more than anyone else if kids are no risk ? Infact I'd have thought teachers are the safest people to meet as we work with children who can't pass it on apparently. Strange.🧐

I think we’re all starting to realise that the term “covid safe” is meaningless!