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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend of mine just refused to meet for coffee today as I am a teacher working with Covid infected children all day!

597 replies

Quarks69 · 03/10/2020 09:07

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?

OP posts:
Oblomov20 · 03/10/2020 15:10

I would lose respect for her and our friendship would probably die naturally. I can't be friends with someone with such ridiculous anxiety, so much so that they can't make reasonable decisions.

cantkeepawayforever · 03/10/2020 15:13

@VillageGreenTree

I find it annoying that everyone is saying that it's fine for teachers to be in schools as there's no risk, kids don't pass it on, the need for a child to be in school is more important than teachers health etc but then they aren't willing to go anywhere near a teacher because they might get COVID. I don't know the OP's friends circumstances but the above scenario is pretty common for me as a TA. It's yet another case of the "It's ok, I'm alright Jack" attitude that I see such a lot here on MN.
Agree entirely. 'There's no risk' when it is MY risk as a teacher you are taking about but 'The risk is too high' when it's YOUR risk.

The thing is, I KNOW the risk is unacceptably high, so there is no way i would meet anyone else, especially if there was any risk I might end up within 2m unmasked. But the hypocrisy from others is nevertheless annoying!

Piwlyfbicsly · 03/10/2020 15:15

@VillageGreenTree
Imagine the same parents complain when the schools are closed because of the high risk to the staff.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 03/10/2020 15:15

@Mistressiggi

"Just to be clear though, many posters on this thread are agreeing that teachers are at higher risk than the general population due to their jobs?"

Seems so, doesn't seem to stop them sending their kids to school 5 days a week, but any social interaction with a teacher is a risk too far Confused

londonscalling · 03/10/2020 15:17

Looking from the other side ... A teacher friend won't meet other people as he doesn't know who THEY have been mixing with. He doesn't want to risk getting coronavirus and passing it onto pupils and their families!

HuggedTheRedwoods · 03/10/2020 15:19

I dont understand the talk of betrayal, she's just trying to manage her risks by the sounds of it although maybe clumsily worded. I've turned down invites from a couple of friends in recent months due to their own extended bubbles. I'm happy to skype, phone or text friends but thats it for me for now, as far as I know we're still friends though. Can you try an online skype/zoom/whatever chat?

MushMonster · 03/10/2020 15:20

I would not get crossed with her OP. There lot of people around feeling quite estressed about it all at the moment.
Have a coffee with us Brew
Some chics or cake?Cake

Why do you work fot that many hours though?

Jaxhog · 03/10/2020 15:23

YABU. She's allowed to assess her own risk and act accordingly. You may not agree with it, but you must respect her right to do this. You don't know all the details of her personal circumstances, and there's no reason for her to tell you.

I get thoroughly fed up with people telling me 'it isn't a big risk' or ' you're so paranoid'! It's everyone's right to assess their own risk, provided they also follow the rules and respect other people's rights too.

Scaraffito · 03/10/2020 15:26

Why did she agree when you arranged it, presumably you were also a teacher then!

Jaxhog · 03/10/2020 15:26

I would lose respect for her and our friendship would probably die naturally. I can't be friends with someone with such ridiculous anxiety, so much so that they can't make reasonable decisions.

Reasonable decisions based on what? You don't have the right to determine what is reasonable for someone else! I couldn't be friends with someone who had so little respect.

Ideasplease322 · 03/10/2020 15:27

@Oblomov20

I would lose respect for her and our friendship would probably die naturally. I can't be friends with someone with such ridiculous anxiety, so much so that they can't make reasonable decisions.
Really? You would stop being friends with someone who had anxiety?

Do you have many (or any) close friends?

JinglingHellsBells · 03/10/2020 15:27

YABU

There is a chance you could be infectious and asymptomatic.

How are you to know and how is she to know how her body might respond if she got it?

It is actually very hard to maintain a 2mtr distance in a cafe or pub sitting at the same table.

I've done it once since lockdown started and it's not something I am keen to repeat.

WillowSummerSloth · 03/10/2020 15:28

Hi OP, I totally get it. Whether it's rational or not, I get it. I'm NHS and felt just like this in the early days. It feels like the expectation is for us to go to work and put ourselves at risk but then we are treated as 'contaminated' I couldn't care less now as I've just adapted and am not so stressed by it but initially I definitely felt anger towards people like that. The NHS clap felt totally hollow!

StaffAssociationRepresentative · 03/10/2020 15:30

But people did imply that teachers were paranoid/lazy etc. Now we are all back at work it looks like we will be treated like lepers!

If a teacher said the school is full of COVID kids we would be lynched by posters!

With many it is a case of ‘I’m alright Jack’. They probably have kids birthday etc but god forbid they are near a teacher ...

Pluckedpencil · 03/10/2020 15:31

I think she has a point. DSis is a teacher and has been sent home 14 days to slef isolate as the kid who sits right at the front of the class near was found positive, as well as his mother and all brothers and sisters. The mother only called in last thing on the Friday to tell the school. They had sent him home twice as was poorly in school but they sent him back as he felt better. She is massively relieved my parents were away and so had avoided any exposure or the anxiety of potential exposure. This is a serious disease for the elderly and some people have very valid reasons to not be able to afford to get it.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/10/2020 15:32

So many emotional knee jerk posts here.

The whole point is, the OP doesn't know if she has the virus and maybe never will as if she is asymptomatic she won't be tested.

Why should her friend put herself and her family at risk by meeting someone who works where they may get the infection?

ivykaty44 · 03/10/2020 15:33

What a shame it come to this, whilst I can understand you are disappointed - I would be to. Its not going to hurt anyone you not meeting up.

I have some friends who meet me at home and others that will meet for a walk & coffee as they seek it as safer. I was supposed to meet a friend today but it to wet for a walk and coffee chat, so we've postponed.

I work in a front line role so am at risk and a risk.

StaffAssociationRepresentative · 03/10/2020 15:33

@WillowSummerSloth - yes lots of double standards on MN. Plenty of ‘Happy to clap for you but please don’t be near me unless I need medical treatment’ types. Clapping ringleaders are probably they worst

NameChange84 · 03/10/2020 15:34

@Oblomov20

I would lose respect for her and our friendship would probably die naturally. I can't be friends with someone with such ridiculous anxiety, so much so that they can't make reasonable decisions.
I can’t imagine wanting to be friends with someone so prejudiced and mean spirited so it can’t be much of a loss to be honest.
JinglingHellsBells · 03/10/2020 15:35

@Quarks69 I'd not want you as my friend, because you seem only to be thinking of yourself.

You need to stop taking this so personally.

Your friend has a right to protect her health.

The fact you teach and are perhaps at some higher risk ( many cases in your school?) is a separate issue from expecting a friend to share that risk (whatever level it is.)

You're being very selfish.

Pluckedpencil · 03/10/2020 15:35

And I am massively pissed off that they are putting my sister's health at risk with no ppe and not having stricter laws to ensure children who have been poorly in school are being made to stay home until a negative result comes back. But just because she is being put at unnecessary risk with inadequate ppe doesn't mean all her friends should be exposed too. She was also planning to meet with friends who work in courts and prisons. Just imagine if she'd found out after the weekend and not before. There is a massive ripple effect by leaving teachers so exposed.

NiceTwin · 03/10/2020 15:37

I can see her point.
I was quite happy to see my elderly parent's but now I am back in school, I don't feel at all comfortable visiting her sadly.
The kids are dropping like flies and I think only a matter of time that I will get it.

YeaSure · 03/10/2020 15:39

Considering no secondary school in the UK is actually "covid secure" I'd not be surprised by her reaction to you.

During lockdown I was sick a massive zero times.

Since I've been back at work I've had 2 colds and now a chest infection.

Won't be long till I'm tested positive for covid at this rate.

Mistressiggi · 03/10/2020 15:42

I think many are missing the point that this was a pre-arranged meet up which was cancelled this morning Basic good manners would say that is the wrong thing to do. Cancel the night before even - a chance to plan something new. Take a rain check when the meeting was first arranged, even better. The OP has not suddenly become a teacher this morning.

Scaraffito · 03/10/2020 15:52

I think many are missing the point that this was a pre-arranged meet up which was cancelled this morning Basic good manners would say that is the wrong thing to do. Cancel the night before even - a chance to plan something new. Take a rain check when the meeting was first arranged, even better. The OP has not suddenly become a teacher this morning.

Precisely!

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