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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend of mine just refused to meet for coffee today as I am a teacher working with Covid infected children all day!

597 replies

Quarks69 · 03/10/2020 09:07

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?

OP posts:
ItsAlwaysSunnyOnMN · 03/10/2020 14:24

I also know many people who are quite happy with less socialising

Before they felt under pressure to as it’s considered the norm but now they have an excuse and a number of friends who have realised that they are happy with less socialising

And now we have contact over the phone/WhatsApp friendships can still be maintained

Lweji · 03/10/2020 14:29

It depends on the invitation. Did that involve visiting you at home? Or a coffee shop sitting outside?

If she has been working from home, and keeping safe in general, she may not want to risk it.
Quite frankly, even without a reported case at your school, children can go about without symptoms, so you simply don't know if you are infected or infectious at this point.

Can you suggest meeting up in a safer environment than coffee, which involves being fairly close without masks on?

namechangefail2020 · 03/10/2020 14:30

If it was just that you're teaching then it would be dramatic but you're teaching people who def have the virus so not sure why she should have to see you, even if the risk is small, it's bigger than normal so you're reaction is very over the top. Sorry you're felling sad!

Lweji · 03/10/2020 14:30

And, would you be happy putting your friend at risk?

ToastyCrumpet · 03/10/2020 14:42

I know someone whose daughters are both teachers. They have both caught Covid from their pupils. Fortunately they weren’t particularly ill, but I wouldn’t say your friend is unreasonable.

SlayDuggee · 03/10/2020 14:43

I’ve got a friend who’s a paramedic. She had COVID earlier this year and has antibodies (tested) Earlier this year everyone was clapping for the NHS. Now none of her friends will meet with her not even socially way outside Sad

Sweetnhappy1 · 03/10/2020 14:45

@Quarks69 Sending big hugs. I can understand your feelings, you were really looking forward to that coffee and chat. My feeling is that if your friend is someone who is routinely going into coffee shops, she is over-reacting. If she is being super cautious about being out and about then I can understand her reasoning but she could have put it more tactfully, why did she agree to meet up in the first place?

Erictheavocado · 03/10/2020 14:46

I work in a primary school as a TA. This week, I have had to work in 9 out of 12 classes. As a TA, I cannot do my job and maintain a proper distance between me and the children. Due to my own vulnerability, I was working from home until the end of June. Now, I am expected to work. I have made a decision that I will not see my DM, who at 80+ is vulnerable and, however unlikely, I do not want to take a chance of passing anything on. I am still doing my grocery shopping online and am not going out other than to work or to see my DC. We have discussed it and feel that as we are all working in less covid secure environments, we will see each other, but nobody else. That's our choice for our safety and that of those we love.

cantkeepawayforever · 03/10/2020 14:46

@Quarks69

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?
It's horrible, isn't it? As I work in primary, and can't distance at all in school, I pro-actively isolate except in school, to avoid being a risk to anyone else. It is awful, but with parents refusing to take symptomatic children to be tested, the prevalence of asymptomatic cases, no SD or masks, and no ability to ask to see a negative test result before children return to school, I see the risk I pose to others to be higher than I deem acceptable.
Piwlyfbicsly · 03/10/2020 14:50

Posters who replied YABU
What do you think about the risk primary school children pose on the teacher? It’s well known that with smaller children SD is impossible. Small children also require a lot of nurture and support. They cry, they fall, they have accidents. Would you be willing to accept the teacher actively refusing to get closer to your children in described situations? After all teacher’s job is to teach, right? And would you be willing to pull your child out of school in order to reduce the risk to yourselves and society?

Belladonna12 · 03/10/2020 14:51

I don't think I would want to meet up with a friend who was working in an environment where her chance of catching it was higher at the moment. I'm already at risk because I have children at school and I don't want to add to it. I am at high risk but even if I wasn't I would think twice.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 03/10/2020 14:51

I think some people are just very anxious about this virus, understandably so. I see teacher friends regularly- my dd is at secondary,!ds at primary anyway - and it doesn’t worry me, although of course we are sensible.

My exh’S fiancée was working in ICU at the height of it (not there any more possibly because she is now pregnant) and I took the decision not to try to restrict contact at all (not saying it’s a unilateral decision for me to take but just my side of the thought process rather than exh’S). I think we can’t restrict ourselves so much that it takes over but I can see why others feel differently.

We aren’t high risk though, although dd has well controlled asthma.

TheDuchessofMalfy · 03/10/2020 14:52

^^ that was a rambling way of saying I’d have been happy to see you but can understand why she isn’t.

emilyfrost · 03/10/2020 14:53

YABU. Your friend is being responsible and sensible; she shouldn’t put herself in a riskier situation than she needs to.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/10/2020 14:54

Yabu thats her choice surely?

I would hope that a friend would be more respectful and understanding of my choices.

Belladonna12 · 03/10/2020 14:55

@Piwlyfbicsly

Posters who replied YABU What do you think about the risk primary school children pose on the teacher? It’s well known that with smaller children SD is impossible. Small children also require a lot of nurture and support. They cry, they fall, they have accidents. Would you be willing to accept the teacher actively refusing to get closer to your children in described situations? After all teacher’s job is to teach, right? And would you be willing to pull your child out of school in order to reduce the risk to yourselves and society?
There's a difference between taking a risk in order to earn a living or for your children's education versus having a cup of coffee though. I would take the risk to earn a living or so that my children can have an education but I'm not going to take risks to have a cup of coffee. The friend probably thinks the same and I don't blame her.
Japa · 03/10/2020 14:57

I wouldn't take it personally. You are at higher risk than someone working from home. Maybe have a chat over the phone?

Lweji · 03/10/2020 14:57

I’ve got a friend who’s a paramedic. She had COVID earlier this year and has antibodies (tested) Earlier this year everyone was clapping for the NHS. Now none of her friends will meet with her not even socially way outside

That's really sad. And stupid of them.

Piwlyfbicsly · 03/10/2020 14:59

@Belladonna12
But the job of a teacher is to teach. Phonics, maths, whatever. Not to be all in one.
There are schools apparently with the policy of a parent collecting a child for every possible reason due to teachers being at risk of such a close contact. Would you be willing? Nurseries where staff are not allowed to hug a crying toddler for the same reason. Do you agree with that? After all, everyone deserves a safe workplace. Right? Teachers are not paid that much.

Aragog · 03/10/2020 15:00

Shouldn't be meeting for coffee anyway. Why can't you just FaceTime her?

Why shouldn't people meet for a coffee at present? It's perfectly acceptable to do so.

You do not that FaceTime is nothing like seeing someone I person don't you?! We did it in March's lockdown as there wasn't an alternative but now there is.

Mistressiggi · 03/10/2020 15:05

Op is your friend particularly vulnerable, or living with someone who is? If not I do think she is being a bit of a twatty mctwatface.
I'd go out for coffee with you if you lived near me Brew

hellotoday27 · 03/10/2020 15:06

I work in a secondary school and my DC go to different schools . We are keeping our distance from others as between us we're in contact with an awfully large number of people in close proximity. I wouldn't be upset or even surprised if a close friend chose to not meet me in a cafe.

Suggest going somewhere in open air instead as a compromise.

For those who think this is a teacher moaning - i'm not, and i'm glad we're back in school as I think the risk of children's wellbeing from not being in school outweighs my risk from covid and that's with me being over 50.

Mistressiggi · 03/10/2020 15:08

Just to be clear though, many posters on this thread are agreeing that teachers are at higher risk than the general population due to their jobs?

Otherthinkingmommy · 03/10/2020 15:08

Ignore some of the rude replys. I completely understand why your hurt, and I'm sorry your so exhausted. Your allowed to feel however you want to on the situation but understand that others are terrified of this virus. Its bull right now, hopefully you get the chance to recoup soon x

VillageGreenTree · 03/10/2020 15:09

I find it annoying that everyone is saying that it's fine for teachers to be in schools as there's no risk, kids don't pass it on, the need for a child to be in school is more important than teachers health etc but then they aren't willing to go anywhere near a teacher because they might get COVID.
I don't know the OP's friends circumstances but the above scenario is pretty common for me as a TA.
It's yet another case of the "It's ok, I'm alright Jack" attitude that I see such a lot here on MN.