Friend of mine just refused to meet for coffee today as I am a teacher working with Covid infected children all day!

[Quarks69]

After 5 Exhausting weeks of working a 12 hour day every day at a secondary school, I woke up this morning looking forward to a coffee and catch up with A local friend. am now totally stunned and feeling pretty betrayed by her response. This is someone I have known since our kids were born and she is healthy and works from home. is this what most people think?

My DH is a teacher and we have 2 kids in school. As a result of this, we are cancelling our plans to visit both sets of grandparents over half term. We have decided although the risk is low, there is a risk that we should not take. The grandparents are in their 80s.

One set are very disappointed and can’t understand why we won’t go. The others said they are relieved as they were worried about it. DH come is to contact with over 100 children a day, even if not usually close contact...but it’s impossible to say he couldn’t have contracted the virus from someone at a school or by touching their work etc. The DC are in 2 separate year forum bubbles of over 200 each and probably mix with up to 100 children in their different classes each day.

Not meeting up with people is disappointing, but it’s also what is needed to reduce the transmission rate.

Unless people stop meeting so many people (either through rules or choice) then the rate of infection is likely to rise.

We all have to make hard choices at the moment and see the bigger picture, not just our personal convenience/desires. Some people do t seem to be willing to make a single personal sacrifice in their life at all.

I am sorry you feel so disappointed and I totally understand you are upset.

That said, I am a teacher and many of my friends don't want to see me. It is sad and feels isolating sometimes (especially with school life being so restricted at the moment) but it is their right. The reality is that many people are very worried, especially with rates going up, and it is their choice how much risk to take.

You don’t know that your school has no cases- they just have no confirmed cases.
There have been more transmitted cases resulting from school environments than hospitals since the start of this term, so I can understand her viewpoint tbh.
I think she probably agonised about contacting you with her decision- maybe she had an idea you might respond in this way.

I also wonder if you have minimised their extent to which you are on the front line in terms of risk- which is understandable in many ways, after all if one thought about it too much you might be more anxious.

OP, you are dumping all your stress, expectations and needs onto your friend. You expect her to provide you with support in this specific form, regardless of her concerns. Your sense of betrayal is coming across as narcissistic. She does not exist to meet your needs. She’s still your friend, she just has concerns.

She is not on the earth to fall in line with your needs, and she is not being disloyal not to do so when she has valid concerns.

I'm not meeting anyone indoors either but I would have told you that right away and not made plans in the first place. I have every right to make that choice for me and I don't care if anyone else judges me for it. (I may be a smug WFH type or maybe a freelancer who only gets paid when I work...)

In her place I would have suggested alternatives - a chat on the phone/video, or going for a walk maybe. There are ways to be a good friend without being physically in the same indoor space.

You can't pout when someone doesn't want to meet up no matter what your job is. We are in a pandemic, if someone wants to stay away for a while we should be thanking them really.

The very fact that many schools are reporting that a heavy cold is going round demonstrates that the safety measures in schools are far from infallible

Colds spread in a different way to Covid, so this is not relevant to the discussion, no.

That’s not to make comment on how likely Covid is to spread in schools, or the reasonableness of the OP’s friend.

What an over-reaction - you, not her. You're paid for your contact with germ-ridden kids; she's not, and is understandably thinking of the impact on her own life if you pass it on. I wouldn't be meeting you either.

I wouldn't meet you right now either.

I'm in Scotland and there have been loads of cases of the virus in schools in kids and teachers. I've heard people talking on here about school bubbles being up to 200 people in secondaries and it is just not worth the risk.

We all have different acceptable levels of acceptance or risk we are happy with with regards to Covid.
As a very general rule, someone in a busy public facing workplace role maybe more relaxed about potential exposure compared to someone at working st home or unemployed. Obviously these are 2 extremes there are alot of people inbetween this.

I think we need to just be respectful of others and how we and they are dealing with lived with Covid. Stop sniffing st those choosing to minimise their exposure by literally staying at home as much as possible and stop sneering at those trying to keep yo as a normal life as possible and going about their daily business as much as they can.

On top of lifestyles there are mental health implications too. I was quite shocked to find an ex colleague of mine, a very gregarious, funny and outgoing lady is actually very unwell with anxiety right now and developed a form of agrophobia.

I get why you feel let down and rejected but it's not you it's the situation and her perception of it. I expect if it was a bright and dry autumn day shed happy have met you and sat outside a coffee shop but today is the kind if day where indoor weather.

She's obviously frightened underneath all this. That's what is underlying this cancellation.
She's chosen yo be honest and tell you why. She didn't rain off saying her kids were Ill she had an emergency, she chose to be honest and tell you why she didn't want to meet. I think that says she trusts you and respects you and wabted to be honest with you.

Don't see this as a personal rejection of you but maybe as her anxiety about Covid. Perhaps suggest you meet for a walk around a park or something on a dry weekend instead??

I do think she probably could have let you know earlier but maybe she was worried about offending you??

I

You don’t know that your school has no cases- they just have no confirmed cases.

I kind of agree with this too, especially based on the figures from Northumbria University yesterday. 770 students have tested positive but only 78 with symptoms at present. Apply that to other education settings and there could well be an awful lot of young people carrying Covid around right now and not knowing it.

My stepdaughter is a teacher in a school in a London borough where cases are on the rise. She doesn't work in a 'bubble' - but right across the whole of the primary school.

My partner is going for an operation next week. I am in a city where I am not meant to socialise with members of other households at home or in private gardens.

I am not meeting people for coffee, but am going for walks with people.

My stepdaughter was very relieved when we said we weren't going to visit as she was worried about the risk of infection for my partner.

I think a lot of people are choosing not to meet teachers etc....but many aren’t honest about the reasons.

We have some good friends we always used to see regularly. Despite trying to arrange an outside gathering, they constantly find excuses not to come or say yes but pull out last minute. Honestly, I’d rather they just said that they’re not comfortable meeting anyone at the moment, or not families with kids and adults in school.

Perhaps they don’t say as they fear a negative reaction like the Ops.

Personally though, I’d rather people were honest rather than agreeing and dropping out last minute. It is a bit cowardly not to be honest, especially if people are working hard to maintain contact and would prefer to know the truth. Although in one sense it’s personal to say it won’t be seeing you while this is happening because you’re in school’ it isn’t as personal as someone feeling disliked for an unknown reason which happens when a good friend regularly makes random excuses not to meet up or says yes and then pulls out the day before....on multiple occasions.

But that’s the Brits isn’t it.....would rather avoid saying it like it is, even if that creates more problems.

At least Ops friend was honest. But her reaction shows you can’t win.

I've got a friend who is reluctant to meet up at the moment and I totally respect that

Sounds like a proper friendship.

It's interesting how intro spective people are...

Eg.. I work in a school, I'm exposed to lots more people per day than many average workers with no ppe.
Covid can lie dormant whilst your infected until you show symptoms. So I could feel fine and meet my friend and actually turn out to be a super spreader and infect her..

But bitch won't take that risk.

That's the utterly frustrating thing about covid. We don't bloody know when we've got it!! That's why it's impossible to stop it!

What don't people understand about it!!

Stop being so silly and selfish and think about others

I would be the same about meeting a teacher indoors. Many of us who are fortunate enough to be able to WFH are determined to dodge the covid bullet, particularly if we are in higher risk groups.

Don’t take this personally. Her not wanting to meet up is not about you, it’s about the virus.

Wombat, do you give them that choice, being realistic if your working in a school?

I have elderly friend who was due to come last week, I was totally honest about which ones of us are exposed and where because he's older and simply doesn't see as many people.

I still socialise, go out and about. Socially distanced, of course. But I've accepted that some of my friends won't, because they're scared. & That's ok. They're following media and government advice to the T and I don't expect us all to feel the same in terms of risk.

I have a teacher friend who has cancelled on me today because of virus concerns. One kid in her class had tested positive. I'm willing to take her word for it and respect her views if she's not comfortable with it.

Of course it could be the case also that she couldn't be arsed, which is what seems to happen with a few of my friends in the past who have cancelled on me. But there's nothing I can do about it so i'm just going to have a chill day on my own which is fine by me.

I think it’s ok for her not to want to meet inside. I’m only meeting inside with kids in dd’s bubble at school and only in our home or theirs. I think that’s a responsible approach

If I were your friend I would happily go for a walk or an outside coffee

Shouldn't be meeting for coffee anyway. Why can't you just FaceTime her?

Tbh this is the attitude DH and I have.. we will see our DS who is in a care home (we are both secondary teachers) but not our DPs, due to the sheer number of enforced contacts we have. DMum is not happy about it...

@Wolfiefan

She’s probably extremely anxious and worried about catching it. It’s not a reflection of your friendship at all. Feeling “betrayed” is an overreaction. I may seem “pretty healthy” but in fact I was in the shielding group.

This ^

Why on Earth do you feel betrayed because your friend doesn't want to expose herself unnecessarily to COVID?

We all have a different approach and it's for you to be disappointed but she isn't doing anything wrong.

I am a teacher & my boyfriend won't see me.
To be honest, I wouldn't get close to him either as I don't want to put him at risk. He has COPD so if he did catch Covid it could be pretty bad.
I teach Year 1. We can't easily social distance with such young children. In week 3 of term I was sent home to self isolate as a child in my bubble had Covid.
Where I live we are not allowed to see anyone outside our household. My boyfriend is my support bubble so we could meet for a walk & socially distance, which we have done once since the beginning of term. Today the weather is awful though.
I hate not having him & his son to stay every weekend. But totally understand we have to be careful. If I had a different job maybe I could see him, but I love my job & I need to work.
I think we need to understand some people are more at risk, some people are more worried. .. & respect the way people feel.

because society and parents (she is one) expect teachers (and nhs staff) to put themselves at risk looking after their children, but aren’t prepared to risk anything themselves to support us, and we are talking the smallest risk here.

Some careers / jobs obviously require more or less contact with the public than others. You need to expose yourself to contact as part of your job but your friend doesn't need to and I think she is doing the responsible thing by saying no.

Also I know how isolating this can all be (I have been wfh since March) but I really have found Zoom chats to he a good substitute for meeting people in person.