Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to give up football so I can work?

354 replies

Pollyandted · 02/10/2020 21:38

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

OP posts:
mamaoffourdc · 03/10/2020 11:07

That's great news! Enjoy your new job x

AgentJohnson · 03/10/2020 11:08

The communication between the OP and her H is woeful. They’ve both made assumptions about the other and have both chosen to be ambiguous in the few discussions they have had. Accepting a job based upon an assumption of childcare was foolish.

Martyrdom leads to resentment, I’ve been there, being the de facto parent is a trap that is too easily fallen into when you are a SAHP. I think it’s time you and your H have a grown up conversation about the needs of your family.

burnoutbabe · 03/10/2020 11:10

It just seems odd, no discussion about how it would work.
As far as I understand, he'd be coming off a long week of nights, then can't go to bed Saturday as he is now looking after his kids? Surely that would screw up sleep patterns even more?
Him moving off nights wound be best plan for family. Give you evenings to work. Or weekend morning/afternoons to go off abd do your hobby.

tornadoalley · 03/10/2020 11:21

Wouldn't it be easier all round to get a job during the week so that weekends are free for both of you. Or evenings? I think expecting someone to give up a hobby they love, and is their principle wind down activity is unfair. There are other jobs available, which doesn't involve weekends. I wouldn't give up my hobby but I would look at alternatives job wise.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 11:24

I've looked for weekdays. It's not easy to work around somebody who works nights. He gets in around 9 - 9.30am, eats and showers then sleeps until around 6.30 then he's back to work again. There's no leeway for me to work around that during the week.

OP posts:
Ridiculosity · 03/10/2020 11:39

I think it might be? Is the football as important to your DH’s mental health and wellbeing as being able to go to work is to yours?
If you force him to give up something he loves he will resent you. Can you spend the money you earn on childcare for Sundays?

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 11:49

Possibly although it would swallow up more than my whole days wage.

Plus I'll be honest here, I'm not keen on leaving my eldest with a child minder. He has extreme separation anxiety even after being in nursery for some months now. His needs are complex and he needs familiarity. Despite having built a degree of trust with the nursery staff he still has meltdowns when me or OH leave him for the day.

He doesn't have a comprehensive level of understanding for me to be able to explain to him what's going on. He would rather be with his dad than another stranger.

I think personally, it's the lesser of two evils.

You have to make sacrifices when you have children and I've made plenty, OH has made none. Not a single thing has changed for him since long before we met. He has always done what he wants to do and people have accommodated that.

I've allowed him to prioritise his hobby for as long as feasibly possible but something has to give.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 03/10/2020 11:51

this is one of the most spiteful posts
If a men had come here and said 'I go to work every day and really resent my wife going out every Saturday night with her friends whilst I'm expected to look after the kids. I try to speak to her about it but she says that it's her one time a week she gets to unwind and it means a lot to her so she doesn't want to give it up, but I don't see why she should get to unwind when I don't, so I've told her I was going to work on Saturday to help with money. She said ok and assumed it was a day job, but it's evening work at the pub. I told her that my mum can't look after the kids so she'll have to give up her going out with friends to put the kids to bed. It will do me good to go be at the pub with people away from the kids and will bring extra money, but she got really upset. Do you think I'm unreasonable?', the responses would have been totally different.

OP, you're entitled to think of yourself too, do something that makes you feel good, absolutely, but going for something that means it takes your oh opportunity to do something for himself is just well not nice at all.

He's agreed to give it up but no doubt it will be him feeling resentment now. How is this healthy?

Why couldn't you discuss other options that meant he could continue to do something he enjoys?

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 11:52

The comparison made on a previous page was enlightening and vindicating.

Imagine me saying to him he has to take a day off work so I can go to the gym/rekindle my love for cycling/spend a few hours wandering around the shops because it's good for my mental health.

That would be v unreasonable I think.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 03/10/2020 11:53

There's no leeway for me to work around that during the week
But you could have looked for an 8h Saturday job rather than 4h each day, or at least the 4h on Sunday being at a different time to his football.

Quartz2208 · 03/10/2020 11:56

dontdisturbmenow to be fair the OP has discussed she said in a PP that she has asked for him to stop working nights and to split them both working PT because she needs this

He said no. He went ahead with this because he thought he could continue to do what he wanted on all fronts

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 11:57

Why couldn't you discuss other options that meant he could continue to do something he enjoys?

Because there's no flexibility where his football is concerned. They play at the same time every Sunday and not in the week. I have accommodated that for three years which has taken over my Sundays for the duration.

I want to make clear that I had no problem with this before children, and even after having children continued to accommodate it for there years

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 11:58

But you could have looked for an 8h Saturday job rather than 4h each day

Good luck to anybody trying to find one of those in the current climate.

OP posts:
dontdisturbmenow · 03/10/2020 11:59

Imagine me saying to him he has to take a day off work so I can go to the gym/rekindle my love for cycling/spend a few hours wandering around the shops because it's good for my mental health

But that's not the same. His routine is established. It would be more comparable if you had been doing a class for years and he suddenly announced that he had agreed to change his hours with his boss that were better for him so he expected you to just stopped going. All because he resented you going because say he didn't like that you were getting slimmer.

The issue here is that you admitted that the you just wanted him to stop playing football and this decision means you get what YOU wanted.

user1472145047 · 03/10/2020 12:01

No advice but wanted to say good luck with the job. Xxx

dontdisturbmenow · 03/10/2020 12:01

But you could have looked for an 8h Saturday job rather than 4h each day

In my area, its Saturdays shops are desperate to cover, not so much Sundays, so yes, easier to find a full Saturday shift than two shorter ones over the two days.

RandomMess · 03/10/2020 12:02

Start looking for early evening work 5-9pm shift.

He will have to get up earlier but it sounds like he is getting 8/9 hours in bed at the moment. It also means he needs to finish his shift on time if he wants to go to bed earlier.

Hopefully now you are working it will be easier to get shifts that work better.

It does sound like he likes working nights to opt out of family life... by getting up at 6.30 then DC are surely going to bed??? So basically when does he see them? Sunday afternoon? Does he work Friday night and then stay up or just have a short sleep?

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:03

it would be more comparable if you had been doing a class for years and he suddenly announced that he had agreed to change his hours with his boss that were better for him so he expected you to just stopped going

I had an established routine pre-children that included a long standing hobby. I sacrificed my warning potential and hobby so he could continue to work the shifts he liked and was used to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:03

Earning potential*

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/10/2020 12:05

Are you also the poster where he refuses to move house/flat??

ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 03/10/2020 12:06

OP has bent over backward for years for someone who won't lift a finger to make life easier for the OP or watch his own DCs for more than an hour or two once a week without moaning about it.

OP needs to work for her own MH and to protect herself financially.

It take priority over her DH's hobby. He already gets to be out of the house for a FT job and then sleeps the rest of the time. Or pisses off to play football. OP is stuck with the DCs 24/7 pretty much, and gets nothing of her own.

And a handful of posters feel sorry for HIM? WTF?

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:07

So basically when does he see them? Sunday afternoon? Does he work Friday night and then stay up or just have a short sleep?

He sees them for about an hour before they go to bed and then for a couple of hours in the morning whilst he eats/unwinds and gets ready for bed.

Sunday evening's are not much cop because after football he's exhausted and tends to be falling asleep early.

Football isn't the only hobby he has either, he also plays online games. So that's two hobbies he manages to upkeep in spite of having children.

Granted he games when we are in bed on his days off, but he's on there until the early hours of the morning which means he's still tired the next day and has to go to sleep earlier to prepare for work.

OP posts:
ScrapThatThen · 03/10/2020 12:08

This is classic battle of the sexes stuff OP, and good on you for challenging the default assumptions that his work and his hobby come ahead of your work or imagined dream of hobby time, and that parenting is entirely your responsibility. In an ideal world he shouldn't have to pause his hobby but you haven't been living in an ideal world. Well done on achieving communication and agreement, no easy task.

Original poster
Pollyandted · 03/10/2020 12:09

RandomMess

No there's no conflict about him refusing to move, we're not looking to.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 03/10/2020 12:09

I feel Im against the grain here ,but I think you would be unfair to take the job and DH miss Football really .Both my DH and DS love watching and playing (DH is in his 50s BTW!) Can you not get out more on your own ? Maybe a weekday job or evenings would be better .DH sounds like a goodun Helping you with shopping and DC and so on .Let him have time out .