To want him to give up football so I can work?

[Pollyandted]

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

Good luck Polly

@dontdisturbmenow this is one of the most spiteful posts I've ever seen on mumsnet. RTFT and grow up.

@dontdisturbmenow

I will admit to resenting the hobby, primarily because it's just more time away from home that I don't get So instead of looking at ways to have time for yourself, you've decided to take a job, despite not needing the money for 4h each day just so that he doesn't get to enjoy something that means a lot to him?

In 6 months time, you youngest will be at nursery too, so you'll have you two days for yourself whilst he will have none and had to give up something he has long been committed to.

I think your attitude really stink. He didn't mention the childcare because he never thought you'd be do callous as planning this he so he'd had to give up something you've resented him for for a long time.

What a spiteful thing to do. You could have looked for an 8h shift on Saturday only. It would have worked for both, but it was all about making him give up the football. I feel really sorry for your oh.

This 100% is the vibe I got too. It’s mean. Instead of communicating and jointly working out a way for BOTH to be happy and with a hobby, she’s decided to do everything in her power to make her DH miserable and have MH problems too. That’s not what a loving partner does. It’s what your worst enemy does.

I went back to work when mine were 4 months then 6 months second time. Pretty sure you could have done that if you wanted to. I had no choice, we couldn't afford for me not to. I don't really see why you needed to find a job over the weekend, just to make a point about the footie. Just find something during the week during the day, then put them both in nursery.

Whether OP could have potentially gone back to work earlier is a moot point. She didn't. It is not now an option for her do as you did, so it's pure self-indulgence to be bringing it up as though it's anything other than utterly irrelevant.

The OPs options, unless you know of a time machine she can use, are those of a woman who has had several years out of the workplace at this point. In the middle of a global economic shitstorm. That is the relevant information, not whether things might have looked different if she had made other choices. She didn't.

Take the job and go to work. If he wants to go out without the kids while you are at work, he arranges childcare. Not your problem. He works when you are not working, you work when he is not working. He is a parent, that's life.

@IvyRose77886 Ah so she should work around his hobby too, even if they separate??🤪

If my ex husband suggested to me that I arrange childcare for his contact time so he could play football, I’d have him checked out for a concussion. Luckily, even though he is a cheeky man, he’d never even think about it and arrange his own childcare.

Some really low standards on this thread from women who think it’s Ops job to run around accommodating her DH.

You don't have to ask anything of him BTW. You let him make his choices based on the situation he finds himself in.

I think your attitude really stink. He didn't mention the childcare because he never thought you'd be do callous as planning this he so he'd had to give up something you've resented him for for a long time

He agreed if o/p got the job it would be manageable as a family and a good thing.

He didn’t mention childcare because it never occurred to him. Not his responsibility. He probably assumed o/p would take care of it- as with most men they carry on as normal and if the woman needs or wants childcare she sorts it.

@Velvian
I was told this by a therapist when I was tying myself in knots over a decision that would affect my DP but came about in part due to his passivity. It's so simple but powerful. It hadn't occurred to me before

What dorsntake any sense is that there seems to be money for childcare at a weekend, if the husband sorts it, but not for her to work during the week.

Given the cost would be similar (probably more at the weekend if anything) and should be coming out of the same pot, there are only 2 explanations that I can think of.

Firstly, that it's actually got nothing to do with the cost and the reason you don't want a weekday job is because it wouldn't stop the hobby that you clearly dislike. Or secondly, that the cost will be yours if done in the week, but his on a Sunday...

@Velvian

You don't have to ask anything of him BTW. You let him make his choices based on the situation he finds himself in.

What an incredibly unhealthy way to run a marriage!

@Babyboomtastic

What dorsntake any sense is that there seems to be money for childcare at a weekend, if the husband sorts it, but not for her to work during the week.

Given the cost would be similar (probably more at the weekend if anything) and should be coming out of the same pot, there are only 2 explanations that I can think of.

Firstly, that it's actually got nothing to do with the cost and the reason you don't want a weekday job is because it wouldn't stop the hobby that you clearly dislike. Or secondly, that the cost will be yours if done in the week, but his on a Sunday...

This

Whether OP could have potentially gone back to work earlier is a moot point. She didn't. It is not now an option for her do as you did, so it's pure self-indulgence to be bringing it up as though it's anything other than utterly irrelevant

It is relevant though as she's blaming DP for her being stuck at home. Pretty sure she could have found a job ages ago before the pandemic - during the week & just use a childminder or nursery like many other people do. Lots of women work rather than stay home.

OP has openly admitted she resents her partner playing footie. I think it's possible there might be other jobs around which aren't necessarily during those hours on a Sunday.

OP has had plenty of support on here and will likely go ahead with the plan. I just hope the job is worth it.

You have the right to work.
The only issues are 1. What work is actually available and 2. When can you do it?
If he's working nights, then either he gets up earlier so you can work evenings, or he goes to bed later so you can work mornings, or you work weekends. As it is you've been offered weekends. It might be that once you've been there a while you might be offered other shifts but at the moment this all that's being offered.
Hobbies come second to jobs.
Don't give in - you'll find it harder to find work the longer you've been out of the workplace. If you want to be conciliatory you can say you'll keep your eyes open for other work, but what other hours is he suggesting might work better?
Make the fact of you going to work non- negotiable. Also start having scheduled time out a few evenings a week- maybe a yoga class if you're too tired for something more energetic? You need to establish the principle of your right to some time out.

@Pollyandted

I have previously suggested he find another team / football club, not least because his current one is miles away.

He refuses to do that aswell because he doesn't like change, "doesn't know anybody from other clubs" and wants to stay with the club he's with.

He's extremely rigid in his ways and not open to change. The potential for change stresses him out. I won't harp on about why I think that is as it'll just derail the thread, but he's the most 'stuck in his ways' man I've ever known.

It does sound like you've deliberately taken this job to stop his football. Look for a job in the week and put your youngest in nursery. You'd be on more of an equal footing then avoiding resentment on both sides. Don't play games - they rarely end well. Good luck - I hope you both find a compromise that works for your family.

This is no life op. He has everything his way!

ODFO with the poor OH talk, about how I'm going out of my way to make him miserable.

Does my happiness and mental health not matter then? Should I continue to put myself last on the list so he can enjoy his hobby? Because that has taken priority for the past three years.

Pre kids I couldn't have cared less about how much football he plays. It has only been an issue since we had children, I made huge sacrifices and he made none.

@Pollyandted
Good for you, its great to hear you speaking up for yourself like that.

Did you talk to him?

It's easy for people to say I could have gone back to work ages ago and paid for childcare, you do realise how much this costs in the south east don't you?

For one child, full time nursery, the cost is the equivalent to OH's wage.

How the other half life eh, to have £1,200ish floating about as spare.

We're not academics, neither of us were high earners even when we did both work. Pre children I brought home approx £1,300 a month on a good month.

I've spoken to him yes, we've agreed that he will put football on the shelf until Christmas and then revise the situation.

@converseandjeans

Whether OP could have potentially gone back to work earlier is a moot point. She didn't. It is not now an option for her do as you did, so it's pure self-indulgence to be bringing it up as though it's anything other than utterly irrelevant

It is relevant though as she's blaming DP for her being stuck at home. Pretty sure she could have found a job ages ago before the pandemic - during the week & just use a childminder or nursery like many other people do. Lots of women work rather than stay home.

OP has openly admitted she resents her partner playing footie. I think it's possible there might be other jobs around which aren't necessarily during those hours on a Sunday.

OP has had plenty of support on here and will likely go ahead with the plan. I just hope the job is worth it.

It was a total assumption on your part, isn't relevant to the issue of her options now, and you have no idea what other jobs and childcare might be available locally. And what you did has nothing to do with anything. You clearly wanted to hector her with your example, but nobody cares what you did.

06:19SoloMummy

What utter privileged bollocks.

does sound like you've deliberately taken this job to stop his football. Look for a job in the week and put your youngest in nursery.

Nursery isn't free, you know that right? And he doesn't put his kids in nursery while he works.

Totally get you on the SE childcare OP. I was in the same position with my DS, and weekend work was my way out. I initially took 18 hours on the weekend and then went up to 28 with two 9-5 weekdays. I didn’t make any money from the weekdays as they just covered my childminder costs. But, they got me the experience in a role which then helped me secure a full-time role in South Wales. Which meant I could leave my husband and afford nursery for my son. I’m now in a higher tax bracket role and benefiting from home working so can do school drop-off and pick-up. I’m also about exchange contacts on buying my first home. All this was possible because of that weekend job. Don’t back down on this.

Why are PP outraged that DH will have to give up footie? If he arranges childcare, he can still go to his hobby.