To want him to give up football so I can work?

[Pollyandted]

Me and OH have two young children. I have been a SAHM for the past few years and he works full time.

After a period of poor mental health (which is probably exacerbated by being stuck indoors with young children and no break) I have decided I want to go back to work part time. This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

I applied for and was offered a job working weekends which is wonderful if it weren't for the fact OH plays football on Sundays which would mean he can't have the children.

He urged me to take the job assuming I would be roping my DM in to mind the kids which isn't feasible as she's unreliable and can't be depended on (long backstory I won't go in to)

I hold my hands up to the fact I didn't consider his hobby when applying for the job because in my mind, me working is more important. I may sound selfish in that respect.

AIBU to ask him to sacrifice his hobby so I can go to work?

Stick to your guns. He agreed to you getting this job. Now he has to look after his own kids.
Ignore all the PP suggesting you solve this somehow and how important hobbies are. Mums net seems full of handmaidens today.

This whole thread makes me sad

Sorry you’ve been having a hard time OP. Either
A) take the job and leave OH to do childcare/sort childcare
B) as the money isn’t essential, get your own hobby that takes you out of the house for most of Saturday. You need a break just like he does - arguably more so!

[quote CandlesBlanketsandTea]@ohalrightthen did you not read the original post?

This is for my mental health mainly but the extra money will be nice.

Why should the OP sacrifice her health and earning potential so her husband can kick an effing ball about and essentially check out of family life?!

OP I suspect your mental health would improve if you got rid of your useless partner. I hope your first day at work goes well.[/quote]
Did you miss the part in my post where i said that OP should make sure she gets a decent chunk of time to herself on Saturdays?

OP's husband works long nights all week. OP works long days all week. Why shouldn't they BOTH get time for themselves?

If you worked all week to support your family, can you honestly say you'd be happy to give up a hobby you'd done for decades so your spouse could do a shift job for small money you didn't need, when instead they could wait six months and work in the week so no one needed to sacrifice their time to themselves?

@ohalrightthen this job will give her independence, possibly more confidence and money, why should she sacrifice everything for her family? He can play football another time, it definitely shouldn't trump the OP getting a job.

Why do we infantalise men this way? It's pathetic. All he needs to do is go on his football WhatsApp group and bitch about the situation and "the lads" will help him come up with a solution (probably involving roping in some other poor woman).

I'm angry for you OP. And all the women on here bleating about how mean it is to take away his hobby need to get real.

1. Change football team
2. Change day
3. Find childcare

He has loads of solutions

@Ohalrightthen

Hes had his time. Now its hers.

I agree @goldfishparade he has options and isn't willing to compromise whereas the OP's mental health is SUFFERING and that's seen as less important than inconveniencing her partner!

I can see both points of view
This is something he presumably has done regularly for a long time,so cut him a bit of slack

[quote GoldfishParade]@Ohalrightthen

Hes had his time. Now its hers.[/quote]
Why on earth is it either/or?

And btw OP you should also take up a hobby and focus on making friends for yourself. I dont have kids myself but off the top of my head I can think of 3 friends who are local who would look after my kids for 4 hours a week with no problem.

But listen: do you think you still love your DP?

All these people saying op should wait to get a job and let her dh continue as he is whilst stating op should get some time to herself are missing the point. Op has decided she wants working to be her hobby with the benefit of being paid. It is far easier for him to find a football club to play at closer to home than it is for her to find paid employment working around his impossible schedule. A schedule, which he has made no attempt to compromise with.

@Ohalrightthen
What arent you understanding about the work patterns in this household? Please actually read the thread.
He works nights.
Every weekday night.
He also then has blacklisted Sunday as it takes him 2 hours travel time plus the time of the match.
That leaves her with just Saturday as an option for working.

I dont know many places that will let you work just one day a week.

So yeah it's either or. Either the OP works weekends or she doesnt work.

I find it insane that you would begrudge a woman gaining a little financial independence, sense of self and respite, because you believe a man should be allowed to play football.

I think you may have issues.

@IvyRose77886

*No. She clearly knew that he wasn't available Sundays, given the venomous issues she's mentioned that she's harboured for all of this time. She clearly opted for a role that would impact on him, for her benefit, not the family. Wheras he works for the family benefit. She purposely didn't discuss the arrangement that would be necessary to facilitate what she wants. She in effect has purposely chosen a "paid hobby" to clash with his hobby time. Rather than address his hobby, the childcare needs etc. If paid childcare is needed that's half out of her "hobby money" & half out of the family money that he has consistently provided. Is this 8 hours, which I presume to be NMW worth that?*

I agree, the OP doesn’t even sound Like she likes her partner.
He’s working to provide for the family and has a few hours out on a Sunday.
She didn’t communicate clearly and neither did he.
She would have to pay for half the childcare for the Sunday which wouldn’t make it worth it either.

He hasn’t stopped her getting her own hobby either yet she hasn’t bothered and has now purposely picked a job over his one hobby a week.
There is no reason she can’t find a week day job and put the youngest in nursery if they will pay for childcare on a Sunday for 4 or more hours. It’s a better alternative and then they can still have weekends free and she can engage in a hobby.

👍100%

If your shifts are four hours each, can he not find a football team who do Sunday afternoons (say, if you work mornings?)

Ideally I would plan that you work your shifts, then one day you get the rest of the day to yourself, then the other day he does. Once the kids are in nursery/school, then review this. I was a SAHM for 8 years, going back to work was the best thing ever when I finally did. Didn’t realise how much I’d missed it! Good luck.

I think it will tricky for him to change the day of his football - most local leagues do play on a Saturday. I think it's a big ask for him to give up the sport he loves.

It was cheeky of him to assume your mum would do childcare though.

@comicepear you think it's a big ask to give up a hobby but it's completely acceptable for the OP's mental health and earning capability to suffer?! FFS that's fucking ridiculous.

@CandlesBlanketsandTea

And you dont think it's a big ask to require that the OP look after her children all day alone, and then spend the nights alone too, without being able to work?

Apologies to Candle, that was for @ComicePear. Snap!

Depressing that 14 per cent think YABU. The 1950s wants those ppsters back.

Wow lots of handmaidens indeed.

OP you are looking after an ASD son plus another child, and have an ASD partner. You have no social life with him or on your own. You have no hobbies, no friends and no time out. No money, no adult company, no freedom at all.

Somethings got to give. You were in counselling because of this. You are clearly very very unhappy. So right now your career and your MH come first. He can give up night shifts or he can give up football. He can choose.

Or you can give him up. Because he contributes very little to family life and life with him is like a prison sentence. He either stops being a selfish pig or you LTB. He's dragging you under. You are drowning.

Imagine a partner with a day job. Allowing you to have a day job and the kids to go to nursery? Sitting at hone at night enjoying a glass of wine and dinner with them. Doing things with friends on weekends. Having a hobby. Workmates. Money. It would be better if that man was him. Daddy spending time with his own children. But maybe it won't ever be? Do you really want a whole life of that?

Tbh op, I think you need to play the long game here.

Get a job for during the week and pay for childcare. It shouldn't be you that pays it all. You might well find there's not much once all that has been paid for, but you'll be working. Thinking ahead, the fact you will be working will be more valuable than the pay because at some point you won't have as massive a childcare bill but will have those years of work experience under your belt.

I was having counselling last year which would take me out of the house for around two hours every week and he found it stressful, the poor lamb

He sees the DCs as your problem to sort while he carries on with a job that he likes, no matter how inconvenient it is for you and the DCs and doesn't even justify itself with a good income, and with his hobby. You come last. Deliberately so.

You need to keep your new job and nip this.

Tell him if he's not happy to get a weekDAY job and you'll look for a weekday job as well and you can each have some individual down time at the weekend. Divided fairly between the two of you. Emphasize it's not going to be all about him anymore because you count, too.

When I didn't have anyone to babysit, I used to ask the nursery staff. Is this a possibility? Then they would know your DS.

I will admit to resenting the hobby, primarily because it's just more time away from home that I don't get
So instead of looking at ways to have time for yourself, you've decided to take a job, despite not needing the money for 4h each day just so that he doesn't get to enjoy something that means a lot to him?

In 6 months time, you youngest will be at nursery too, so you'll have you two days for yourself whilst he will have none and had to give up something he has long been committed to.

I think your attitude really stink. He didn't mention the childcare because he never thought you'd be do callous as planning this he so he'd had to give up something you've resented him for for a long time.

What a spiteful thing to do. You could have looked for an 8h shift on Saturday only. It would have worked for both, but it was all about making him give up the football. I feel really sorry for your oh.

Morning all, thanks for the replies.

I've had a terrible nights sleep, due to stressing about this situation.

I'm going to talk to him now and I'll report back.