DD is always put with disruptive children...AIBU to ask her to move?

[peacockfeather11]

Every year this happens and I always try and say nothing because I don't want to be that mother that comes in to school complaining. But this year I am furious! My DD has been put on a table with the most disruptive and she's in tears and I can truly understand. It's too much too ask of her and she's so sensitive she never wants to let the teacher down which I feel is manipulated.

Do I ask the teacher to move her or AIBU?

This is interesting as my child is being antagonised by the child she is paired with, we have both already spoken to the teacher about it but it hasn’t stopped. It’s quite targeted behaviour towards my DD as well as some general disruptive behaviour. We are 4 weeks in to the term and I am considering asking the teacher if the child can be moved away from mine but wasn’t sure if that’s reasonable, it’s year 3 and a new school for the whole class. My daughter is happy but the way this child is towards her (name calling, mild threats, mimicking, trying to stop her finishing her work) is the one part of school she says she is not enjoying and it doesn’t appear to be improving.

My dc is quiet, shy and well behaved but academically a bit behind. They have sat dc with a very bright but a bit naughty kid. It works well!

The disruptive kids should sit on a table on their own or sent out Yes because having them together would cause less disruption to the class Who are you suggesting takes responsibility for them when they are ‘sent out’ btw?

This happened to me as a child and the boy I was sat next to bullied me for two terms. He would constantly pinch me and call me names. As a quite, shy, studious little girl I used to try to ignore him and didn't want to create a fuss but stopped enjoying school. I did eventually tell my dad who had a good word with the teacher who moved me to the front of the class yet still kept the bully at the back where she did not have to deal with him.

It isn't fair and your own dd's education and mental health should not have to suffer due to a distruptive child. Ask for her to be moved or the other child , who cares if you get accused of being that parent? As long as your child is OK that is all that matters. The teacher needs to come up with a better way of dealing with the disruptive child like changing the seating plan every term so no one child has responsibility for this child, asking for ta support etc.

This happened a lot to my DD in her primary school. Was also girls though that she was moved next to. She is very quiet and hard working at school. I did go in and ask for her to be moved on a couple of occasions. We'd always give it a few weeks first and try and encourage her to speak to the teacher first about it herself (never happened).

Year 4 was the worst for this, One time when I asked for her to be moved I was told by the teacher they needed to learn to live with others. After that I started counting how many times she'd been moved. After she'd been moved for the 10th time (my friends child hadn't been moved at all) I went in and asked that the teacher stopped moving her and being used for crowd control. Not surprisingly after that she came on in leaps and bounds!!

Now at secondary they sit them boy, girl, boy, girl in nearly every lesson. She does get comments that she is very good at working in groups and with different people so she did learn some skills!

Surely the answer is what teachers upthread have said - move them round regularly. It’s when it goes on for weeks with the same child being disrupted that it’s not right.

Our issue was it had to be our child offering the support - it was specific to her. I had not contacted school for years so hope am not “that parent”. Was vindicated by head immediately apologising and stopping it.

@Wearywithteens

SantaClaritaDiet - I agree

we love parents like you = parents that just STFU and don’t question us even if their child is really miserable. Because being miserable everyday is exactly what will make them kind and resilient and tolerant.

I'm a parent who stfu because I encourage my dd to try and resolve conflict herself rather than me approaching the teacher about every little issue in school? Don't be so ridiculous.

@OfficeMonkee

Yanbu.

The disruptive kids should sit on a table on their own or sent out, why should they be allowed to damage the education of well behaved children. Out of order.

Sent where?

*work with others. Not live!

@Bingbongbinglybong I actually feel sorry for your ds if this is your opinion, girls behave and boys ‘run amok’ - seriously!

Ds was seated next to a girl whose behaviour can only be classed as insidious. I was told every day what she was doing, kicking his legs hard under the table, while she smiled sweetly at the teacher, hiding his school stationery, moving his tray around, encouraging a group of other girls to laugh and talk about him! Being pretty awful to him in general, all with a sweet smile to the teacher. She made his life hell for a while and I did encourage him to speak to the teacher. This didn’t resolve the issue so I did have to contact her and dc were moved around.

Should I make a sweeping statement just like you with this example, girls can be pretty sly and just as much of a bully but can come across as butter wouldn’t melt, whereas boys wear their heart on their sleeve and don’t have this insidious nature! No I won’t because it’s not true in every case.

It's very difficult when you are the teacher in this situation.

I used to try to make sure no child had to sit with the disruptive one for more than a week at a time. It's shit for even a week but what else can we do?

@Lndnmummy

This thread is a really depressing and uncomfortable read. This judgy talk of “naughty children” is really making my heart sink. These children are in the ages of 5-9 mostly. So young. For boys in particular this can prove problematic. To all of you with your previous shy and “well behaved” girls, let’s hope they remain that way eh? When your girls are 11-12 and starting to get an interest in the “naughty” boys who at that age will have zero interest in “Who do you fancy”. This happened to my son. For the first three years of school he was the “naughty” one. Precious mums rolling their eyes at him and tutting at him being “unruly”. He isn’t and never was. He has adhd. He is fine now and doing really well. Top table, head boy, etc. These same mums are now falling over themselves wanting to vote me in for governor. Nah! You are alright. I’ll never forgive how you made my boy feel. Now I’m going to sit back and see how you cope with your shy and precious little “good girls” 😅. To all the teachers out there, I salute you. Do what you need to do to maintain classroom control. I trust you. You have never failed me. My child has been the “disruptive” and he has been the “disrupted”. That’s life. That’s how we teach children resilience. My son spent 3 weeks having lunch with the Head teacher, I was mortified. The following term he was chooses to look after a newly arrived in the uk group of immigrants. He got an award for the way he looked after the new kids. Swings and roundabouts. Support the school, realise that the world is bigger than little Elsie.

I agree with you. The attitude towards disruptive children on this thread is horrible. And everyone seems to link disruptive to bullying. Being disruptive could be anything- shouting out in class, talking a lot, not being able to sit still or fiddling with things constantly. Disruptive doesn't mean bully or horrible child.

and is rarely, if ever, detrimental to the well-behaved child.

Er, bullshit.

I was a sweet, quiet, top-of-the-class little girl who was made to do this for years. Unpaid support worker is an apt descriptor - and I would add to that 'untrained'. Teachers would actually pull me aside after class and lecture me on managing my 'buddy', to be a better support to them. It was bewildering to be lumbered with that kind of responsibility and it fucked me up for years. I was ostracised by other kids for being friends with the 'weirdo' when in reality I couldn't stand them and thus had no friends. Primary school was incredibly lonely for me and I came out of it with very low confidence and few genuine friendships.

If that parent is the parent who takes an interest in their childrens' education and provides bright, well behaved children and who advocates for the right thing to be done I don't mind being that parent and can see nothing wrong with it: I was that parent over:

Provision of water
School selection changes and the fact that those who weren't were now attending a cofe school and had to be respectful
Uniform - if 4 year olds had to wear a collar and tie then teachers should not be wearing flip flops and scruffy t shirts

Having said all that we was put between the two mightiest boys in reception; after two terms I didn't ask I just said "can you please move dd to sit with her friends; she's done two terms it's someone else's turn. Yr 1; back between them - "oh but but nobody else can cope with them", sorry but that isn't dd's problem and she's done two out of three terms already.

The HT and I developed a healthy respect for each other. We still have coffee.

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

Would you ask the teacher for your child to be moved if you were me? Mine is not shy or quiet, but she follows the rules mad doesn’t misbehave at school

@Pangwin totally agree! The bully in Ds case was just that, not disruptive but sly & manipulative!

@TweeBree

and is rarely, if ever, detrimental to the well-behaved child.

Er, bullshit.

I was a sweet, quiet, top-of-the-class little girl who was made to do this for years. Unpaid support worker is an apt descriptor - and I would add to that 'untrained'. Teachers would actually pull me aside after class and lecture me on managing my 'buddy', to be a better support to them. It was bewildering to be lumbered with that kind of responsibility and it fucked me up for years. I was ostracised by other kids for being friends with the 'weirdo' when in reality I couldn't stand them and thus had no friends. Primary school was incredibly lonely for me and I came out of it with very low confidence and few genuine friendships.

I've already said it shouldn't be for more than a few week.

If you really did do it for years, then that wasn't right of course.

@Paddingtonthebear

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer

Would you ask the teacher for your child to be moved if you were me? Mine is not shy or quiet, but she follows the rules mad doesn’t misbehave at school

I think it would be a reasonable request. To be blunt the misery has to be shared out. No reason for your DD to bear the brunt of it.

Have a list of reasons ready as to why she should not be sitting with that child. Emphasise how unhappy she is and ask the teacher what she can do to make her enjoy school again.

Put the ball in the techer's court. I hope she would respond positively.

*teacher's . Good grief.

@Mumoftwoyoungkids

*We love parents like you.

And your reward will be a tolerant, resilient, kind child who won't fall apart the first time she comes up against a tricky situation without her mum present to sort it out.*

@rawlikesushi

My mum was a parent like that. Her reward was a terrifying drive to A&E, a 20 minute wait whilst they attempted to stop the bleeding and a child with a 4 inch scar on her arm that even 30 years later is weirdly unfeeling yet somehow itchy. (To be fair it was only about 3 inches when I got it - my arm has grown quite a bit since then.)

The actual situation - I was 11 or 12, child with serious problems but liked me. I was able to calm him down. I was therefore sat with him in all lessons. I didn’t mind to start with but then got a bit fed up. I had to constantly calm him down. It was affecting my work. I complained to my mum who basically said that it wasn’t his fault he needed support and I should be nicer.

One day I had a headache. Felt rubbish. He started showing signs of agitation and I just couldn’t face dealing. I just wanted to sit really still as even moving hurt my head. He got more and more worked up and I did nothing. It was science. We had those conical beakers on our desks. He grabbed one, smashed it and waved it at my face. I truly don’t think he meant to hurt me. He just wanted my attention. But I instinctively put my arm up to protect my face and he slashed me.

School tried to blame me. “Why didn’t you do anything to stop him getting so wound up?” It was years before I realised just how let down I was by school. And my mum I guess. I don’t like thinking about that.

I'm a parent like what? A parent who doesn't write off difficult or disruptive children? A parent who encourages my dd to be understanding and kind towards those children who find school difficult? A parent who encourages her dd to advocate for herself and deal with a situation in her own way rather than storming into school over every issue? A parent who will always stand up for my child if they can't manage to resolve it them self? Wow. I sound like a dreadful parent.

TweeBree - you were ostracised for being friends with the weirdo, and had no friends, even though you just sat next to them in class at your teacher's direction?

I've honestly never seen that.

Regular swapping works best, children always know a move will be imminent.

In my class we have three children with ASD/ADHD sufficient to have a 1-2-1 each. Out of 26 pupils that's a fairly high proportion. Two out of the three can be very disruptive unintentionally...just noisier at inappropriate times, working on their own stuff instead of class work etc.

There are some kids who can handle being near that and some who can't, who get distracted themselves. They all know that it isn't the kids' fault, but if a parent were to express a concern that their child was struggling being sat next to them the teacher would consider it for sure.

Thanks I am hoping the teacher is already on the front foot as yesterday in class the children were using google classroom and this child sent a message to mine. It said he was going to come over to her table and show her the middle finger for her to shut up, but he sent it to the whole class not just her, so the teacher saw it. He also threatens to push her off her chair quite regularly

Also - weirdo, really?

Kids with SEN have been called some awful names on this thread.

Maybe it was your lack of tolerance and hateful language that led to you having no friends?

This thread is so depressing. Even after some of us have shared our reality of living with kids with SEND, people are still piling on to whinge about "naughty" kids getting headteacher's awards for managing to control their behaviour, without any comprehension that that's far harder for them than little Tabitha having a perfect spelling score every week.

You're not listening to teachers sharing their long and agonising process of organising a seating plan.

I do not believe for a minute that kids are missing huge amounts of their learning to sit outside the classroom with a struggling child on a daily basis. As I said in my post upthread, my daughter is one of the children who is often sat with the disruptive kids to help them. But she isn't all the time, and she understands, because of her siblings, that these children need empathy and tolerance.

I am massively in favour of more SEN schools because my child is constantly made to feel like a burden, a disruptive influence, someone whose parents like you lot tell their kids to avoid. In a sen school he would be able to feel confident and valued as a member of society, not tolerated at best and made to feel like he's a constant annoyance.

When you are always made to feel like you're worthless and shown scorn and contempt, guess what effect that has on your behaviour?

I'm out of this discussion now. So sad but not surprised