Left to eat dinner on my own

[llamalana]

DH’s birthday Wednesday. Not a BIG birthday. He took the day off. Currently WFH and 3 children on school holidays currently (not in the UK) so he thought it would be a good chance to do some of the activities I usually get to do with them in school hols as I am a SAHM.

In the morning I got up with the children leaving him to sleep in as long as I could. Helped make a special breakfast whilst the kids laid the table and put all the presents and cards out. Children are 11, 8 and 5 years old so presents purchased and organised mostly by me. After breakfast, leisurely opening of presents and quality time with children. DH took a phone call from his Dad who is in the UK. We are doing some home renovating at the moment so once they were all organised to go and do an activity that had been organised, I got on with painting and let him have the quality time he was after. In the afternoon big board game with the two eldest and DH. I took youngest out for a bike ride to give them some peace to get on. Got back, jumped straight into cake baking.

Then after that eldest daughter suggested we eat in town at a big new mall that has opened that has lots of different food outlets serving delicious restaurant quality food: Greek, Italian, Hawaiian, Sushi, Chinese, Vietnamese etc. I saved us a table as they are sometimes hard to come by for a family and the others organised their food and came back and then I went and ordered mine. I waited for a long time and in the interim a new mall attendant came and advised mall would be starting to close in 15 min. I went to check on my food. Told by shop keeper there that it was almost ready and not to worry as the attendant was new and we wouldn’t be chased away.

Got back to our table and my family had finished eating and packed up. (My food was not suitable for a takeaway type thing). Then DH stood up and said did I mind if they all went off and got icecreams from another part of the mall? I was shocked. I had only just sat down and not started eating and it seems was to be eating on my own despite it being a celebratory birthday dinner. So with bad grace I said, off you go then – I was pretty shocked. Ate my food by myself feeling very lonely and slightly embarrassed. Then once I finished, they all arrived back with icecreams and had not got anything for me. So I sat for about 5 minutes watching them all talking about how nice their icecreams were, swapping cones to taste test eachothers and talking about the fancy cones etc. In the end I was so fed up, I asked for the keys and went to wait in the car.

My DH has said I made it all about me and poisoned the night and his birthday. He has gone on to say the cake was an afterthought and a joke. (My two eldest decorated the cake so agreed it was a bit sloppy but cute.)

AIBU to expect that if you go out for a celebratory meal together, you eat together including waiting for the last person to finish eating before you ditch? And AIBU to have hoped that DH might have thought of me and got me an icecream?

The tone in which you write the OP - the careful, detailed description of every little thing you did that shows what a great partner you are - does tell its own story. It sounds a rather melodramatic response to a perfectly ordinary day. Meals in shopping malls are always like that if you order from different outlets, and as for the icecream! Why didn't you just tell them which flavour you wanted? You sulked when they didn't bring you one back yet you hadn't asked for one when they told you that's where they were going! I'm sorry but you set them up to fail there.

The comments about the cake are spiteful on his part though. It sounds as if he was lashing out at you after you spoiled the afternoon which could have been quite light-hearted and fun if you hadn't been determined to martyr yourself.

Wow some people have low standards! I wouldn't have expected everyone to wait to eat, but definitely wouldn't have been left alone while everyone else swanned off and then talked about how great their dessert was. They should have either gotten you one, or a few of them gone and the others waited with you.

I think I might have been a little bit miffed but at the same time I hope I would have had the good grace not to have a sulk about it...

What sort of effort does he put into your birthday? I’d be taking my cue from that next time. The cake your dc decorated was a joke?? That’s really unpleasant.

You sound melodramatic. You should of asked them to get you one if you wanted one.

@GoldfishParade

I just think it was selfish to fuck off for ice cream like that. They should have sat with you whilst you are, and then either you all could have found somewhere different for ice cream all together, or you could have all skipped the ice cream and just gone home for the cake you made earlier. It's just selfish.

This would have been the best option, it was rude.

Your error was to go to a food hall-they are hell on Earth, up there with soft play. They were rude but you are an adult and overreacted.

Maybe your family thought you the rude one for ordering something that took ridiculously long to arrive, meaning that their plan to get icecream altogether afterwards was ruined and instead they had to whizz off before you finished eating. You're not seeing it from anybody else's perspective. Birthday cake is not a fun dessert, it's an extra. You've gone into a lot of unnecessary detail to basically explain that your husband didn't buy you an ice-cream on his birthday so you stropped off to the car in front of your children.

My kids would have cried their eyes out if mummy didn’t get an icecream too or jumped up and down saying dad that’s mean to leave me alone. That’s a bit of a cold family you have there OP. - this has got to be the cringiest thing I have ever read on here! Children reacting like that - bursting into tears and jumping up and down - is not attractive or appropriate. Your attempts at sounding like the perfect family have failed dramatically.

I think he was really rude actually. I don't mind eating myself, but for them all to trot off and come back and eat ice cream in front of you is pretty shit.
Also sounds like you spent the whole day keeping out of your dh way. He did things with the hidden while you were left alone or keeping the kids occupied. Thats weird

None of what happened would have bothered me and I would have told them to pick me up an ice cream before they went off or asked them to wait a few minutes. Sulking because you haven’t expressed your needs is passive aggressive and makes a horrible unnecessary atmosphere.

@supersonicginandtonic

What a massive overreaction. You chose YOU to wait ages for your food. Your kids had a lovely day with their dad and YOU spoilt it by acting like a toddler and stropping off to the car. Talk about making it all about you. The kids we're having a great time. If you we're that bothered about the ice cream why didn't you ask them to get you one, you knew where they were going 🙄 He was a twat about the cake though.

I agree with this. Could you not have said oh can you grab me one, everyone knows a few ice cream flavours they like so it's not like you need to see the shop if you haven't finished

Sorry but I think YABU. You put your desire to browse and choose your own meal over eating together- not them. Even if choosing your own meal only took minutes, meanwhile their food would be getting cold.

In those circumstances the right thing to do was either accept you'd be eating on your own or ask your DH or DCs to get you something from whatever stall they were at and leave your culinary adventure for another time.

Posters saying "his day", "making it special", "treat", the DP saying "his day was poisoned".

Do adults really expect to be treated like children like this, where their birthday is a special disney day that is all about feeding their own little ego, rather than it just being a day to celebrate with a meal and a present?

YABU. They probably didn't bring you ice-cream because you were still eating

I think you have put so much effort in to making this birthday nice for your DH, putting his and your DC’s needs first, that you are now feeling (understandably) disappointed.

I don’t know why you didn’t all go out as a family during the day? It feels as though you were left behind so he could go out and enjoy an activity with the DC alone. But what about you? Sounds like you are the one trying to make it nice for them and making the day run smoothly while they aren’t sparing a thought about you, possibly because they are used to not thinking about your needs.

Please be a bit more self-centred in future. Ask them to get you your meal, your ice cream. If they are thoughtless then find a way to make sure your own needs are met. If they see you doing this they will have more respect for you and will recognise that your needs are important too.

I am a planner too. I try to make things nice for other people too. However it can so easily breed resentment because they don’t necessarily recognise it or reciprocate. In future let your DH decide what he wants to do on his birthday and let him get on and arrange it. Chances are nothing will happen but that’s fine. His birthday is not your responsibility.

Your DH’s comment about the cake was cruel. He can sort his own out next time.

The problems here are purely down to logistics:

1. Choosing to eat in that type of place means the likelihood a group will eat their food at the same time is precisely zero.

1. Baking and icing a cake on the afternoon of a birthday is not going to be enjoyable and runs the risk of not turning out well.

1. Why would anyone buy an ice cream for someone who is just starting to eat a meal? They would have to sit there holding it whilst it melts all over the table aswell as trying to eat their own.

I really don't mean to sound in any way rude or sarcastic but all these things were already stacked against your plans for a special afternoon long before manners came into it.
I hope your next family birthday is nicer op, as it sounds as though you put an awful lot of effort into them

@superram

Your error was to go to a food hall-they are hell on Earth, up there with soft play. They were rude but you are an adult and overreacted.

This all sounds like it’s been blown out of proportion, to be honest. Those food court type set ups are very casual: everyone grab what they want from different places and all sit down together. And if you don’t eat your food when you sit down, it’s cold...because if someone else is ordering pizza and there’s a queue, there might be a long wait. It’s very different from a restaurant meal when all food is brought together.

As for the ice cream, your DH probably assumed you didn’t want one. Wrongly, obviously, but not wholly unreasonably. He said he was going - what was to stop you asking him to get one for you? By the sound of it, they went at that point because things were closing imminently. If you were still eating, he probably thought that - as you hadn’t mentioned wanting one - you wouldn’t want to launch into ice cream straight after your dinner and/or wouldn’t want to deal with a drippy cone while still eating your meal. Is this the stuff of an etiquette book? No! But it seems perfectly reasonable for a casual family meal at a food court. If you’d gone to a lovely restaurant and they gobbled theirs and left you, that would be rather different.

The cake thing was rude and unpleasant though - especially as the kids did it. I can see why you’re cross about that.

The thing is the likliehood of the same happening if it was any of the rest of the family who was left eating. Obviously wouldn't leave a child to eat alone, but I doubt you would leave DH without him moaning about it either. As a woman and even worse a mum it's just acceptable that you're assumed to always be happy to put others above yourself.

@GoldfishParade I'm with you on that. We joke about having a birthday weekend but only because with grown up DCs any celebrations tend to get thinly spread as people are available..

I don’t get why you acted like a martyr.

Why not say what you would have preferred?

Like ask them if one of them would keep you company during your meal?

Asking for an ice cream , or a share of theirs?

Why say it’s ok for them to go off for pudding, if you were very much not ok? Why say everything is fine, then sulk in the car?

Acting like a martyr and being passive aggressive ;and saying “ok” when not ok, will get you nowhere). You need to learn how to communicate your wishes more effectively

Being a bit of a martyr AND a drama queen will just make you feel silly and cross (as you did)

But @Wakeoff in this scenario it was the DHs birthday so of course he gets to pick his food and yes it does make more sense for the other adult to keep the seats rather than the DCs.

If OP had wanted to eat at the same time as the others - or if that were her main priority- she would have asked them to get her something. Instead she wanted her right to browse and choose - I get that I like choosing my own food too - but then got arsey when it took a long time and expected 4 other people to eat cold food so they could eat together.
I'd have been pleased that they went off to get ice creams meaning the rest of the family had a fun time whilst I ate my dinner.

I think your DH was greedy, thoughtless and rude and owes you an apology. I'd be having words with him about his selfishness.

Yanbu. One of them could have stayed with you while you ate. And someone could have definitely got you something in a tub.

I hear about this quite a lot from women I know. They go out of the way to make a husbands birthday special, are incredibly thoughtful, and it's just taken for granted. They dont expect a big fuss, just to feel like an equal member of the family instead of staff.

Surely the conversation would have just gone “do you mind if we go and get ice cream”

You - “Sure, can you get me x”

@Wakeoff is spot on