Left to eat dinner on my own

[llamalana]

DH’s birthday Wednesday. Not a BIG birthday. He took the day off. Currently WFH and 3 children on school holidays currently (not in the UK) so he thought it would be a good chance to do some of the activities I usually get to do with them in school hols as I am a SAHM.

In the morning I got up with the children leaving him to sleep in as long as I could. Helped make a special breakfast whilst the kids laid the table and put all the presents and cards out. Children are 11, 8 and 5 years old so presents purchased and organised mostly by me. After breakfast, leisurely opening of presents and quality time with children. DH took a phone call from his Dad who is in the UK. We are doing some home renovating at the moment so once they were all organised to go and do an activity that had been organised, I got on with painting and let him have the quality time he was after. In the afternoon big board game with the two eldest and DH. I took youngest out for a bike ride to give them some peace to get on. Got back, jumped straight into cake baking.

Then after that eldest daughter suggested we eat in town at a big new mall that has opened that has lots of different food outlets serving delicious restaurant quality food: Greek, Italian, Hawaiian, Sushi, Chinese, Vietnamese etc. I saved us a table as they are sometimes hard to come by for a family and the others organised their food and came back and then I went and ordered mine. I waited for a long time and in the interim a new mall attendant came and advised mall would be starting to close in 15 min. I went to check on my food. Told by shop keeper there that it was almost ready and not to worry as the attendant was new and we wouldn’t be chased away.

Got back to our table and my family had finished eating and packed up. (My food was not suitable for a takeaway type thing). Then DH stood up and said did I mind if they all went off and got icecreams from another part of the mall? I was shocked. I had only just sat down and not started eating and it seems was to be eating on my own despite it being a celebratory birthday dinner. So with bad grace I said, off you go then – I was pretty shocked. Ate my food by myself feeling very lonely and slightly embarrassed. Then once I finished, they all arrived back with icecreams and had not got anything for me. So I sat for about 5 minutes watching them all talking about how nice their icecreams were, swapping cones to taste test eachothers and talking about the fancy cones etc. In the end I was so fed up, I asked for the keys and went to wait in the car.

My DH has said I made it all about me and poisoned the night and his birthday. He has gone on to say the cake was an afterthought and a joke. (My two eldest decorated the cake so agreed it was a bit sloppy but cute.)

AIBU to expect that if you go out for a celebratory meal together, you eat together including waiting for the last person to finish eating before you ditch? And AIBU to have hoped that DH might have thought of me and got me an icecream?

I’d have been upset if it had been my birthday but for DH’s birthday I would have been a good sport.

You shouldn’t get grumpy on someone else’s birthday.

Kids who are done eating tend to get fidgety. I’d be thrilled that DH took them for ice cream while I ate in peace. I would expect him to bring me one too though.

@zoemum2006

I’d have been upset if it had been my birthday but for DH’s birthday I would have been a good sport.

You shouldn’t get grumpy on someone else’s birthday.

Yup OP it was his day not yours If it was a shopping mall and my partner fucked up with the booking as you did I wouldn't have sat down to even eat If rather have gone home

What a massive overreaction. You chose YOU to wait ages for your food. Your kids had a lovely day with their dad and YOU spoilt it by acting like a toddler and stropping off to the car. Talk about making it all about you. The kids we're having a great time. If you we're that bothered about the ice cream why didn't you ask them to get you one, you knew where they were going 🙄
He was a twat about the cake though.

YABU to make a fuss about being lonely and embarrassed by eating along in a food hall. They were gone, what, five minutes max?!

But YANBU about the other issues you raise with your husband's behaviour.

YANBU.

They were incredibly rude, and your H's remark about the cake was intentionally hurtful. He is not a little kid, expecting everything his own way on his 'special day'. He is a grown man who should understand that you don't get a day once a year when you can act the inconsiderate boor.

They could have ordered you something while you waited at the table. Surely they knew some dish you would like from the usual food court menus? Maybe you should have given them some suggestions.

They should have waited for you to finish your meal before heading off for ice cream. When your DH asked would you mind if they went for ice cream you should have told them all to wait. You shouldn't have done the PA response with bad grace. But he shouldn't have put you in that position.

They should have bought you some ice cream. Surely they know a flavour you would have liked?

Unfortunately, your H seems to have developed a bad habit of taking you for granted. You are going to have to change this. You should learn to express yourself directly, with a smile. Don't expect people to read your mind.

But first, you should write out a list of everything you did in order to give your H a nice day, and tell him to ball it up and shove it up his ass.

I wouldn't have ruined my husband's birthday vibe by sulking in the car because he left me in the food court and dashed to get ice creams before closing time. I also would have assumed if they were closing you couldn't have one anyway as you were just starting your meal when they left. I think you overreacted too. It was only a food court dinner.

You must speak up and say get me one too please next time. Always better than seething because our partners don't read our minds!

I suspect there's an underlying reason for your overreaction. Would it be fair to say that you feel undervalued in your role as mum and that your DH can be quite selfish?

The not getting you an ice cream is rude and thoughtless especially to someone who prides themselves on being kind and puts her family's needs above her own.

@supersonicginandtonic

What a massive overreaction. You chose YOU to wait ages for your food. Your kids had a lovely day with their dad and YOU spoilt it by acting like a toddler and stropping off to the car. Talk about making it all about you. The kids we're having a great time. If you we're that bothered about the ice cream why didn't you ask them to get you one, you knew where they were going 🙄 He was a twat about the cake though.

Agree with this, maybe they thought you’d still be eating your meal and the ice cream would’ve melted... So much fuss over an ice cream.

Is your dh not able to supervise his children whilst you go and order food?
You need to stop putting him first all the time, you are setting a terrible example for your dcs. They will learn that females/mothers/wives come last.

He was very thoughtless not to offer to order your food or get you and ice cream. As for the comment about the cake, what an ungrateful twat. It would be the last came I ever naked for him and he would know about it.
My dh does all the cooking and I always thank him for cooking for me, always.
There again I was brought job with manners.
You need to start putting your monsters above those of your dh, he doesn't seem to appreciate your efforts.

Typos!!

I would’ve been a bit hurt by being left alone at the table as well tbh. But I actually think your husband has more reason to be upset in this situation. I would be very unimpressed at sitting in a mall food court for my birthday meal... what a lousy and thoughtless way to celebrate an adult’s birthday. Sounds miserable. Then you throw a strop and sulk I front of the children too, for a relatively minor issue. It sounds like you gave very little thought to your husband’s happiness and then made the day all about you by overreacting. His comments about the cake were mean, but sounds like he was rightfully pissed off by that point, and lashed out. Neither of you showed a great example to your children and I feel sorry for them. I grew up with a mum who made every slight thing all about her and threw tantrums regularly on any special occasion to put the limelight back on her. Hopefully I’m off the mark, but the storming off and sulking in the car sounds like the sort of thing my mum would do.

It's not really a birthday meal though is it? It was convenience food in the shopping centre. If you were in a restaurant it would be odd but at fast food places not so odd.

Wow some of the responses on here are ridiculous. Your dh said the cake you made him was an afterthought and that you made his birthday all about you. I would be so hurt and would remember this. He owes you a huge thank you and an apology, you did so many thoughtful things and did your best to make his birthday special and how he wanted. I would feel taken for granted x

That not only wouldn’t bother me - I would have encouraged them to get dessert rather than watch me eat. That’s pretty boring for children - watching their mum eat! Especially for your 5 year old.
No one said you could not have gotten an icecream for yourself afterwards.
You went to a mall and ordered different food from different places...it’s not unusual for the food to arrive at different times so if eating at the same time was high on your agenda than unfort you set yourself up to potentially fail.

He was a rude bastard, you went to a lot of effort for his birthday and he couldn't even sit with you whilst you ate your meal, for him then to criticise the cake you and the kids made for him. Nah, I'd be fucked off too.

Does he make your breakfast on your birthday? Bake you a cake? Organise presents from the kids?

They shouldn’t have gone off and left you and should have brought you an ice cream but your reaction was WAY over the top and very childish.

Why ‘embarrassed’? That makes you sound a high maintenance kind of person. And you could all have bought food together and then squashed in somewhere. Chill!

But your DH was out of order to insult the cake.

I think you are massively over reacting, the cake comments were out of order but DH was possibly ratty after the sulk over ice cream. It's not really a practical thing to buy when someone has just started eating as it melts and can't be saved if you were full and decided you didn't fancy it once you'd finished your meal. If you had been so bothered you could have asked, but you've stated as there was cake you weren't even fussy for ice cream anyway which makes it even more of an over reaction. You could have popped coats on the chair rather than sitting at the table if you'd been desperate to eat together. I'd prefer my dc went off rather than fidget around waiting for me to eat.

My kids would have cried their eyes out if mummy didn’t get an icecream too or jumped up and down saying dad that’s mean to leave me alone. That’s a bit of a cold family you have there OP.

If my dc of those ages were 'crying their eyes out' over me not getting an ice cream while I was just starting my main I'd be concerned tbh and working on their resilience. Out of the 2 families I don't think OP's is the one with the problem

This is all a bit of a mess.

I value manners and in a restaurant, I would be hacked off to be left alone. However, in this case, you are eating in a mall that is about to close. If they had waited for you, everyone would have missed out on the ice cream treat. It wasn’t your birthday, so I would have been happy for DH and kids to go for the treat. You food was late because you ordered from a different outlet, which was your choice. If this was reversed, I wouldn’t want to miss out ice cream because my partner had ordered differently to the family.

If DH said to me, ‘Do you mind if we go get ice cream?’ I would have replied, ‘No problem, get me ......’ He’s not a mind reader.

The other part though, why did he spend the day doing activities with the kids on his own? I would have thought the house work could wait whilst you all celebrated together?

You’re all eating from different outlets and you go to get yours last because you save the table. Did you expect theirs to go cold while you went for yours so you could all eat together ? You are being ridiculous.

What food can’t be put into a takeaway container?

If have been delighted he was having such a great birthday so no, would t have bothered me.

@GoldfishParade

Dont let people on here make you feel like you overreacted. Your DH behaved like a twat. You made the day great for him and he was a selfish prick. You dont need to reflect on your attitude

OP didn’t really do anything to make the day great, unless you count leaving him to it as doing something. She made minimal effort and didn’t even book anywhere pleasant for dinner so they ended up in a shopping mall at closing time at the suggestion of a child. She then has a childish strop because she doesn’t think to ask DH to pick up her meal while she guards a table and is jealous that children got an ice cream and spoke about it. Absolutely pathetic.

In our family we share, offer and always make sure there is enough to go around.

Sorry OP it sounds like you might do that but no-one else does otherwise they would have insisted on bringing you an ice cream.

YANBU - waiting while everyone on the table finishes their food is normal table manners.

Knowing that there was cake at home why was there a big need to get ice cream? Who instigated this?

From your posts it does sound like your DH has recently developed some selfish tendancies around food - finishing things off without sharing, food hoarding, marching off for the next food based treat before everyone has finished the first one, complaining that the cake wasnt 'good' enough.