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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Left to eat dinner on my own

226 replies

llamalana · 01/10/2020 22:28

DH’s birthday Wednesday. Not a BIG birthday. He took the day off. Currently WFH and 3 children on school holidays currently (not in the UK) so he thought it would be a good chance to do some of the activities I usually get to do with them in school hols as I am a SAHM.

In the morning I got up with the children leaving him to sleep in as long as I could. Helped make a special breakfast whilst the kids laid the table and put all the presents and cards out. Children are 11, 8 and 5 years old so presents purchased and organised mostly by me. After breakfast, leisurely opening of presents and quality time with children. DH took a phone call from his Dad who is in the UK. We are doing some home renovating at the moment so once they were all organised to go and do an activity that had been organised, I got on with painting and let him have the quality time he was after. In the afternoon big board game with the two eldest and DH. I took youngest out for a bike ride to give them some peace to get on. Got back, jumped straight into cake baking.

Then after that eldest daughter suggested we eat in town at a big new mall that has opened that has lots of different food outlets serving delicious restaurant quality food: Greek, Italian, Hawaiian, Sushi, Chinese, Vietnamese etc. I saved us a table as they are sometimes hard to come by for a family and the others organised their food and came back and then I went and ordered mine. I waited for a long time and in the interim a new mall attendant came and advised mall would be starting to close in 15 min. I went to check on my food. Told by shop keeper there that it was almost ready and not to worry as the attendant was new and we wouldn’t be chased away.

Got back to our table and my family had finished eating and packed up. (My food was not suitable for a takeaway type thing). Then DH stood up and said did I mind if they all went off and got icecreams from another part of the mall? I was shocked. I had only just sat down and not started eating and it seems was to be eating on my own despite it being a celebratory birthday dinner. So with bad grace I said, off you go then – I was pretty shocked. Ate my food by myself feeling very lonely and slightly embarrassed. Then once I finished, they all arrived back with icecreams and had not got anything for me. So I sat for about 5 minutes watching them all talking about how nice their icecreams were, swapping cones to taste test eachothers and talking about the fancy cones etc. In the end I was so fed up, I asked for the keys and went to wait in the car.

My DH has said I made it all about me and poisoned the night and his birthday. He has gone on to say the cake was an afterthought and a joke. (My two eldest decorated the cake so agreed it was a bit sloppy but cute.)

AIBU to expect that if you go out for a celebratory meal together, you eat together including waiting for the last person to finish eating before you ditch? And AIBU to have hoped that DH might have thought of me and got me an icecream?

OP posts:

Seeingadistance · 02/10/2020 00:36

So due to the set-up of the food court and the fact that you decided to get your food from a place which was slow they finished eating before your food was ready. You then took the huff because they didn’t sit at the table with you while you ate your food.

The you took the huff again because they didn’t get you an ice-cream, possibly as they thought you were still eating your main course.

Ok.

swimlyn · 02/10/2020 00:46

There is nothing more annoying than waiting for someone to finish eating but not your fault.
Actually, if you think about it, there's a hell of a lot of things more annoying than this.

We believe in table manners, and ice cream is not everything in life.

YANBU OP!

Howlooseisyourgoose · 02/10/2020 00:52

As you say you waited a long time for your food, I think it was fine for them to eat without you, no sense in four people’s good getting cold!

However, he should have got you an ice cream and he was most definitely a twat for criticising the home made cake!

What’s he like generally? Do you do more for him than he dies for you? It sounds like he takes you for granted and is quite greedy?

UniversalAunt · 02/10/2020 00:57

I can understand how you felt hurt.

You thoughtfully stayed behind to keep the table, & once the others had ordered you went to order your own food. To me, it would have been fair & good manners for someone - maybe the adult - to place your order at the same time. It would have been nice & good manners - maybe the adult might have thought of this - to ring you back an ice cream- even a simple vanilla - so you too could have a treat.
All that mutual concern slurping must have felt like a smack in the chops.

Is the assumption on your family that SAHM does everything for everyone but not herself?

When is your birthday? I suggest that you draw up a list of what you’d like to happen entirely to your satisfaction - present to them a small programme of appreciation that your family can show you.

ClickandForget · 02/10/2020 01:04

I'd much rather relax and eat my dinner on my own - rather than have the others sitting, metaphorically tapping their feet, waiting for me to finish so they could go get an ice cream. Five people sitting at a table, one just starting to eat when the others have all finished is something I find pretty pointless but then I'm quite happy to eat alone in a shopping mall.

I wouldn't have minded about the ice cream either because I'm not keen on ice cream. Had they all come back with lemon tarts though, I'd have been pissed off. I love lemon tart.

Nikori · 02/10/2020 01:08

Is everything ok between you and your husband in general? It just seems odd that most of his birthday seemed to revolve around avoiding spending time with you. It seems a red flag to me. Is he tired of your relationship?

Howlooseisyourgoose · 02/10/2020 01:09

@UniversalAunt that’s a good point, I had assumed OP that you placed your own order because you wanted something that the others didn’t want e.g. like Vietnamese and you wanted to see the menu yourself. Is that the case?

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/10/2020 01:22

Are you allowed to put yourself first, OP?

Original poster

llamalana · 02/10/2020 01:25

@MiddleClassProblem

Also, hot tip: Bake the cake the day before.

We're renovating and I am chief painter so tbh I am trying to deal with what is directly in front of me at the time including school hols. Normally I would the night before.

OP posts:

Original poster

llamalana · 02/10/2020 01:31

[quote Howlooseisyourgoose]@UniversalAunt that’s a good point, I had assumed OP that you placed your own order because you wanted something that the others didn’t want e.g. like Vietnamese and you wanted to see the menu yourself. Is that the case?[/quote]
Yes. This is exactly the case. I saved the table as due to Covid restrictions half the tables are missing so we can distance and otherwise we potentially couldn't have sat down. But I hadn't yet been able to see a menu or the various eateries to choose from. We got to the mall, a table came free that would fit us so I nabbed it.

OP posts:

Original poster

llamalana · 02/10/2020 01:34

@UniversalAunt

I can understand how you felt hurt.

Is the assumption on your family that SAHM does everything for everyone but not herself?

And yes the constant slurping, swapping, discussing why the cones were a dark colour - were they chocolate? etc etc....felt like a smack in the chops.

It does seem that way, re. the SAHM thing.

OP posts:

Didkdt · 02/10/2020 01:35

What happens on your birthday?

avamiah · 02/10/2020 01:40

This reply has been deleted

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Howlooseisyourgoose · 02/10/2020 02:07

OP, ignore avamiah, she’s a serial trouble maker on the boards.

Baboomtsk · 02/10/2020 02:08

I understand you being a bit upset but I think your reaction was completely disproportionate, especially in front of the kids. It does sound like it happened as a result of the situation (food court timings, place about to close, ice-cream being prone to melting if not eaten straight away etc ...).

wombat1a · 02/10/2020 02:15

Massive overreaction in them not waiting for you, it sounds like your food took far longer than anyone thought to arrive so they ate theirs while it was still hot.

Going to get ice-creams - can't see anything wrong here, not getting you one is a bit off but then again perhaps you are the sort of person who if they got you a chocolate one would be a martyr and say that today you have preferred a vanilla one just like my SIL?

Original poster

llamalana · 02/10/2020 02:17

@earthyfire

I wouldn't expect my children to sit and stare at their food while I wait for mine. Sorry!

I wasn't expecting that. Was handing around the bits they ordered. And making sure the eldest didn't steal all of the roast pork crackling from the middle one etc. I was more I wasn't expecting them to ditch to go and get icecream. I would've waited and been flexible about ice cream especially given we had cake to come.

OP posts:

blueberrypie0112 · 02/10/2020 02:19

I would have ask them to order something for me or move fast

b I love spending time my family and celebrating with them. So you are not being unreasonable. I mean, you could have just stay home and read a good book and wait til they get home and tell about their fun.

avamiah · 02/10/2020 02:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

llamalana · 02/10/2020 02:27

@TitsOutForHarambe

It all depends on what precedent has been set in the family. In my family you wouldn't go and get ice cream without asking everybody if they wanted some. So in your shoes I would have felt pissed off too.

TitsOutForHarambe In our family we share, offer and always make sure there is enough to go around. I said up the thread that Monday me and kids were out and brought stuff home to share with DH too. So yes, I was pissed off and thought it was rude. But also said up thread, DH has been behaving in a different way regards food since lock down and often eats last of something without checking/sharing and has started over purchasing food.

OP posts:

blueberrypie0112 · 02/10/2020 02:28

Although you were being unreasonable for taking off in a car, you should have express yourself and told them to you would like to join with them and if they could stay a bit.

Florencex · 02/10/2020 02:34

I think you are hugely overreacting. It was not a celebratory meal, it was an unplanned meal in a shopping mall. You could have organised yourselves much better if you got DH to pick your meal up whilst he got his and maybe tried to order from the same place and not pick something that took so much longer to prepare. They didn’t bring you back an ice cream because you were still eating your main and ice cream melts.

DH is correct, you are making this all about you. It sounds like he had a lovely birthday with the children and you are throwing cold water all over it.

timeisnotaline · 02/10/2020 02:44

The cake comments were horrible. I’d especially ask dd to decorate me a cake on my birthday and make a fuss over it and tell dh seriously off for that.

GoldfishParade · 02/10/2020 03:28

Does he undervalue you in other ways?

Monty27 · 02/10/2020 03:36

Sorry OP but your birthday treat for DH sounds awful
I hope he at least enjoyed his time with his DC's.
As for the ice-cream it may have melted by the time you decided to sit and eat.
You do realise there's restrictions everywhere right?
Was it actually an indoor mall?

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