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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left to eat dinner on my own

226 replies

llamalana · 01/10/2020 22:28

DH’s birthday Wednesday. Not a BIG birthday. He took the day off. Currently WFH and 3 children on school holidays currently (not in the UK) so he thought it would be a good chance to do some of the activities I usually get to do with them in school hols as I am a SAHM.

In the morning I got up with the children leaving him to sleep in as long as I could. Helped make a special breakfast whilst the kids laid the table and put all the presents and cards out. Children are 11, 8 and 5 years old so presents purchased and organised mostly by me. After breakfast, leisurely opening of presents and quality time with children. DH took a phone call from his Dad who is in the UK. We are doing some home renovating at the moment so once they were all organised to go and do an activity that had been organised, I got on with painting and let him have the quality time he was after. In the afternoon big board game with the two eldest and DH. I took youngest out for a bike ride to give them some peace to get on. Got back, jumped straight into cake baking.

Then after that eldest daughter suggested we eat in town at a big new mall that has opened that has lots of different food outlets serving delicious restaurant quality food: Greek, Italian, Hawaiian, Sushi, Chinese, Vietnamese etc. I saved us a table as they are sometimes hard to come by for a family and the others organised their food and came back and then I went and ordered mine. I waited for a long time and in the interim a new mall attendant came and advised mall would be starting to close in 15 min. I went to check on my food. Told by shop keeper there that it was almost ready and not to worry as the attendant was new and we wouldn’t be chased away.

Got back to our table and my family had finished eating and packed up. (My food was not suitable for a takeaway type thing). Then DH stood up and said did I mind if they all went off and got icecreams from another part of the mall? I was shocked. I had only just sat down and not started eating and it seems was to be eating on my own despite it being a celebratory birthday dinner. So with bad grace I said, off you go then – I was pretty shocked. Ate my food by myself feeling very lonely and slightly embarrassed. Then once I finished, they all arrived back with icecreams and had not got anything for me. So I sat for about 5 minutes watching them all talking about how nice their icecreams were, swapping cones to taste test eachothers and talking about the fancy cones etc. In the end I was so fed up, I asked for the keys and went to wait in the car.

My DH has said I made it all about me and poisoned the night and his birthday. He has gone on to say the cake was an afterthought and a joke. (My two eldest decorated the cake so agreed it was a bit sloppy but cute.)

AIBU to expect that if you go out for a celebratory meal together, you eat together including waiting for the last person to finish eating before you ditch? And AIBU to have hoped that DH might have thought of me and got me an icecream?

OP posts:
chuffedasbuttons · 01/10/2020 23:18

I think you played Mum so brilliantly because you wanted your children fed so you saved a table and made certain they would have the correct environment - somewhere safe to eat their dinner. You also allowed them to take the fun of choosing and ordering independently.
You also waited to eat until you knew they were eating.

Sadly your DH is the selfish one here today.

AlwaysLatte · 01/10/2020 23:19

I suppose trying to all buy food from different outlets even at the same table presents problems if you want to eat together. They obviously needed to eat theirs whilst it was still hot. Maybe it wasn't the best idea for a celebratory meal. They could have stayed and kept you company while you ate and I would probably say it would have been polite to wait except it was his birthday. So I would have just enjoyed a few minutes' peace then carried on with the fun. His day after all.

seayork2020 · 01/10/2020 23:20

I would get my kindle out and read while I eat like I try and do as much as possible

Original poster
llamalana · 01/10/2020 23:23

@GoldfishParade

WTF?

I dont understand the comments on here. I would be very hurt.

It was thoughtless of them after tou had done a lot for your DP that day. Yes genuinely I would prefer to eat my food cold than let my DP eat alone. They could have bought you an ice cream and didnt. I'm sorry OP it sounds like a slap in the face, I'm with you on this one. Very thoughtless. Does your DP have form for this?

Thank you GoldfishParade. I have noticed a stranger relationship with food due to lockdowns for DH. He will eat the last whatever without sharing or offering. Has been hoard- purchasing food so now pantry is like an assault course when you open and things fall out.

But the not eating together, that's new to me. I would wait for my friends and family to finish eating rather than them be by themselves and I would be flexible about where to eat icecream....or just go home and eat the cake....which on Wednesday in the end no one wanted as they were all too full.

OP posts:
Original poster
llamalana · 01/10/2020 23:24

@seayork2020

I would get my kindle out and read while I eat like I try and do as much as possible
Didn't come prepared for that. Next time will bring a book.
OP posts:
SoulofanAggron · 01/10/2020 23:25

I think they should've at least got you an ice cream.

Frappuccinofan · 01/10/2020 23:25

Don’t get me wrong, I think you should tell him that his actions made you feel left out and unappreciated - it isn’t too much for him to have ordered you an ice cream whilst he was there. It was thoughtless on his behalf.

On the flip side, it does seem like you have an unromantic husband so unfortunately he won’t to take hints or reciprocate your kind actions without being asked - you’ll have to plainly spell things out for him

CandyLeBonBon · 01/10/2020 23:27

As a pp said, your feelings are valid. Another person might not feel the way you do, but that doesn't mean your feelings are wrong. The point is that you've noticed some selfish behaviours from your dh recently and it's upset you.

Perfectly understandable to feel hurt if your usual dynamic has changed or has been changing.

Is he open to talking about things generally? Are you able to share your feelings with each other normally, or has that changed?

DishingOutDone · 01/10/2020 23:28

My kids would have cried their eyes out if mummy didn’t get an icecream too or jumped up and down saying dad that’s mean to leave me alone. That’s a bit of a cold family you have there OP.

GoldfishParade · 01/10/2020 23:28

@llamalana
I agree re cake (made a comment saying so bottom of first page). Flowers
Bring it up with him again?

thepeopleversuswork · 01/10/2020 23:33

I think it is insensitive of your family, considering you had spent most of the day running around trying to make your DH's day special. I'd have been mildly fucked off about it.

But in the most tactful way possible it does sound as if you handled it badly and were a bit of a martyr. I'd either have said you did mind when first asked or just taken in the chin when it happened.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/10/2020 23:34

“Oh could you get one for me too, please?

MiddleClassProblem · 01/10/2020 23:35

Also, hot tip: Bake the cake the day before.

minipie · 01/10/2020 23:37

I think it was ok for them to go off and get ice cream especially as they asked and you said yes. They wanted to fit another treat into the day, that’s ok.

I think it was mean of them not to bring you an ice cream. I would have been extremely annoyed and upset by that. Did you ask them to go back and get you one? if not why not?

I think it was a bit childish of you to go and sulk in the car - given it was DH’s birthday it probably would have been better to swallow your annoyance and discuss it with DH the next day.

I think it was rude of your DH to be snotty about the cake. Perhaps he was reacting to your anger though and hopefully your DC didn’t hear his comments.

BumbleFlump · 01/10/2020 23:40

He was selfish, he should have waited for you to eat your food and at least brought you back an ice-cream!

TitsOutForHarambe · 01/10/2020 23:41

It all depends on what precedent has been set in the family. In my family you wouldn't go and get ice cream without asking everybody if they wanted some. So in your shoes I would have felt pissed off too.

MoreToExplore · 01/10/2020 23:47

When they ordered the ice cream you had just started your main course, so they may have assumed it would have melted by the time you’d eaten. Or one of them would have to hold a dripping cone until you’d finished.

It was just a consequence of the food hall timings that you couldn’t eat together. If all 4 of them had finished before you even started, it must have been quite a while. And if the place was closing and they’d perhaps been discussing the ice creams while you were gone for food you can see why they’d want to go get some.

Sounded like a lovely day up until that point so I would try not to let that ruin it.

I can’t see the cake comment, sorry if I’ve missed it.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 01/10/2020 23:53

fast food in a shopping mall food court - you should ahve said what you wanted while you saved the table - did you expect them to wait until their food was cold?

Tigerbeer · 02/10/2020 00:03

My children wouldn’t want to leave me go eat alone either - or DP, they’d wait, in the same way I wouldn’t go off and leave someone in the family alone!

Is this part of a bigger picture in your DH’s thoughtlessness and lack of respect for you? And you doing everything for other people while they treat you as if you are less important?

Or is a genuine one off and that is why you were surprised and upset by it?

VivaMiltonKeynes · 02/10/2020 00:08

You were in a food court in a mall....hardly a restaurant celebratory dinner !

Sally872 · 02/10/2020 00:09

I would have expected them to eat rather than let food get cold. But also would have expected them to wait 5 mins or so for me to eat. Also rude not to get ice cream for you and call the cake an after thought.

Shodan · 02/10/2020 00:09

Sounds like a lesson in manners is in order.

They got to eat together because you saved a table for them. Good manners should've dictated that they wait for you to finish, both because that's the well-mannered thing to do AND because you'd saved the table.

If your DH had been the one to save the table, and consequently been the last to eat and finish his food, would he have appreciated being left alone to eat, while you skipped off to have a treat that didn't include him?

It wouldn't have hurt them to wait a short while so that you could all go for ice creams together. Or buy some on the way home, or just have the cake.

And to make a big deal of tasting each other's ice creams while you sat there with none was crass. Excusable in your kids, maybe. Not in your DH.

MadameMeursault · 02/10/2020 00:12

Whenever we go out to eat somewhere like that the person saving the table goes to choose their food first and the others order it for them whilst getting their own food, so everyone can eat together. Why didn’t you do that? And why did you say they could leave you to eat alone? And why didn’t you ask them to get you an ice-cream?

What’s that smell? Oh it’s the aroma of burning martyr!

MsEllany · 02/10/2020 00:23

I can understand why you’re feeling hurt, but I would have told them to get me an ice cream too so I didn’t miss out. I wouldn’t have expected them to wait while their food got cold. I honestly can’t imagine a situation where my husband would just leave me alone and take the kids off to get a treat for them and leave me out.

earthyfire · 02/10/2020 00:31

I wouldn't expect my children to sit and stare at their food while I wait for mine. Sorry!