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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Left to eat dinner on my own

226 replies

llamalana · 01/10/2020 22:28

DH’s birthday Wednesday. Not a BIG birthday. He took the day off. Currently WFH and 3 children on school holidays currently (not in the UK) so he thought it would be a good chance to do some of the activities I usually get to do with them in school hols as I am a SAHM.

In the morning I got up with the children leaving him to sleep in as long as I could. Helped make a special breakfast whilst the kids laid the table and put all the presents and cards out. Children are 11, 8 and 5 years old so presents purchased and organised mostly by me. After breakfast, leisurely opening of presents and quality time with children. DH took a phone call from his Dad who is in the UK. We are doing some home renovating at the moment so once they were all organised to go and do an activity that had been organised, I got on with painting and let him have the quality time he was after. In the afternoon big board game with the two eldest and DH. I took youngest out for a bike ride to give them some peace to get on. Got back, jumped straight into cake baking.

Then after that eldest daughter suggested we eat in town at a big new mall that has opened that has lots of different food outlets serving delicious restaurant quality food: Greek, Italian, Hawaiian, Sushi, Chinese, Vietnamese etc. I saved us a table as they are sometimes hard to come by for a family and the others organised their food and came back and then I went and ordered mine. I waited for a long time and in the interim a new mall attendant came and advised mall would be starting to close in 15 min. I went to check on my food. Told by shop keeper there that it was almost ready and not to worry as the attendant was new and we wouldn’t be chased away.

Got back to our table and my family had finished eating and packed up. (My food was not suitable for a takeaway type thing). Then DH stood up and said did I mind if they all went off and got icecreams from another part of the mall? I was shocked. I had only just sat down and not started eating and it seems was to be eating on my own despite it being a celebratory birthday dinner. So with bad grace I said, off you go then – I was pretty shocked. Ate my food by myself feeling very lonely and slightly embarrassed. Then once I finished, they all arrived back with icecreams and had not got anything for me. So I sat for about 5 minutes watching them all talking about how nice their icecreams were, swapping cones to taste test eachothers and talking about the fancy cones etc. In the end I was so fed up, I asked for the keys and went to wait in the car.

My DH has said I made it all about me and poisoned the night and his birthday. He has gone on to say the cake was an afterthought and a joke. (My two eldest decorated the cake so agreed it was a bit sloppy but cute.)

AIBU to expect that if you go out for a celebratory meal together, you eat together including waiting for the last person to finish eating before you ditch? And AIBU to have hoped that DH might have thought of me and got me an icecream?

OP posts:
Howlooseisyourgoose · 02/10/2020 11:06

@rookiemere

Sorry but I think YABU. You put your desire to browse and choose your own meal over eating together- not them. Even if choosing your own meal only took minutes, meanwhile their food would be getting cold.

In those circumstances the right thing to do was either accept you'd be eating on your own or ask your DH or DCs to get you something from whatever stall they were at and leave your culinary adventure for another time.

Aren’t you assuming all the others chose food from the same place?

Yes, how dare OP eat what she wants, she should abase herself and her wants for her husband and children Hmm

CuntyMcBollocks · 02/10/2020 11:06

They could have stayed with you whilst you ate your food as it's very thoughtless to just leave you there, and to not get you an ice cream was self-centred. Id be hurt too if that happened to me after everything you'd done for your DH's birthday.

rookiemere · 02/10/2020 11:13

No you're right @Howlooseisyourgoose, far better that four other people sit watching as their food goes cold so OP can eat what she wants at the same time as everyone else.

OP did have what she wanted but is miffed that everyone else didn't spoil their meal so she could have hers.

Frankly with 3 DCs I think the DH did a fantastic thing - taking them off for an ice cream so they didn't get bored watching OP eat and having a really special treat with them.

SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 11:32

They could have stayed with you whilst you ate your food as it's very thoughtless to just leave you there

because forcing a 5 year old to entertain is mother whilst she is eating is likely to be fun Grin

The could, or the OP could have asked them to wait until she was finished. Many people would actually enjoy the break from the kids and the luxury to eat in peace - ok the OP wasn't, but it's certainly not a spiteful thing to do.

MiddleClassProblem · 02/10/2020 11:32

Also running the risk of no one having ice cream if they all stayed due to it closing.

Meuniere · 02/10/2020 11:56

But she didn’t make the day great! She barely lifted a finger. Read the OP. She didn’t do anything apart from help make breakfast and accompany them to a shopping mall for a “celebratory dinner” where she then throws a tantrum because she didn’t get ice cream. She should be apologising.

@Florencex, did you read the same OP as me??

The OP organise all the presents incl the presents from the dcs. Let her dh decide what he wanted to do and ensure he got exactely what HE wanted for his b'day. As this includes some activities she does wit the dcs but has never done, I am going to be widly assuming she also gave him all the info about said activity (even if just the address).
She baked a cake etc.. too, prepared b'fats, let him sleep etc etc etc. She also saved them a table to be sure they could all eat together (ha ha ha...)

Basically made the whole day about him (even this meant she wasnt in there at all) because that's how HE wanted it.

And somehow she did nothing?

What on earth were you expecting her to do for that b'day when the only thing her dh was to sopend the day with his dcs but wo her???

Meuniere · 02/10/2020 11:56

@MiddleClassProblem

Also running the risk of no one having ice cream if they all stayed due to it closing.
which wouod have been very easily avoided if her dh had ordered the OP's food at the same time than his.....
AWryGiraffe · 02/10/2020 12:27

All this 'you need to think about your own needs' drama. It's ice cream 😂

User43210 · 02/10/2020 12:27

My DH would not get up and go get dessert whilst I still ate, the only possible option is "the kids want ice cream and it closes in 10 mins, do you mind if we nip over, shall we get you one, too?"

But I think what they did was disrespectful, leaving you and then not even including you in the ice cream. I don't get why people think you are BU.

sbhydrogen · 02/10/2020 12:31

They should have said, "Mum, do you mind if we start? Otherwise our food will go cold". That would clear the air there.

But I'd be annoyed about the ice cream.

rookiemere · 02/10/2020 12:35

@Meuniere OP says earlier that she wanted her food from a different place and wanted a chance to look at the menu, therefore her DH couldn't have ordered for her.

Florencex · 02/10/2020 12:47

@Meuniere

But she didn’t make the day great! She barely lifted a finger. Read the OP. She didn’t do anything apart from help make breakfast and accompany them to a shopping mall for a “celebratory dinner” where she then throws a tantrum because she didn’t get ice cream. She should be apologising.

@Florencex, did you read the same OP as me??

The OP organise all the presents incl the presents from the dcs. Let her dh decide what he wanted to do and ensure he got exactely what HE wanted for his b'day. As this includes some activities she does wit the dcs but has never done, I am going to be widly assuming she also gave him all the info about said activity (even if just the address).
She baked a cake etc.. too, prepared b'fats, let him sleep etc etc etc. She also saved them a table to be sure they could all eat together (ha ha ha...)

Basically made the whole day about him (even this meant she wasnt in there at all) because that's how HE wanted it.

And somehow she did nothing?

What on earth were you expecting her to do for that b'day when the only thing her dh was to sopend the day with his dcs but wo her???

Who else was supposed to get presents, the 11, 8 and 5 year olds? I call that the bare minimum.

There is no suggestion that he asked to do activities with children by himself, more likely he took the day off expecting to have a family day whereas she just wanted a day to herself.

She baked a cake at the last minute as an after thought. She didn’t plan a meal in or a meal out and had a childish strop over ice cream.

Yes she did next to nothing.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 02/10/2020 12:51

@rookiemere

No you're right *@Howlooseisyourgoose*, far better that four other people sit watching as their food goes cold so OP can eat what she wants at the same time as everyone else.

OP did have what she wanted but is miffed that everyone else didn't spoil their meal so she could have hers.

Frankly with 3 DCs I think the DH did a fantastic thing - taking them off for an ice cream so they didn't get bored watching OP eat and having a really special treat with them.

Actually @rookiemere if you read my posts my words were:

As you say you waited a long time for your food, I think it was fine for them to eat without you, no sense in four people’s good getting cold!

You do love to make assumptions don’t you Hmm

You probably think he was ‘fantastic’ for shitting on her cake too.

Odile13 · 02/10/2020 13:24

I think YABU about being left to eat alone. That was just because of the mall closing and your food taking ages to come. It wasn’t a premeditated decision to leave you out, it was to fit in the ice cream as a fun treat. I think you overreacted by feeling ‘lonely and embarrassed’ in those circumstances.

Saying that, it would have been nice to have been offered ice cream. But maybe they thought you’d still be eating your main course when they got back and cones melt quickly.

Your DH was mean to criticise the cake but at that point it sounds like you were arguing.

I’m wondering if there is a bigger picture about you feeling taken for granted in other ways? It would be interesting to know if there is more background. Certainly if you spend all your time thinking of their needs it could have been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

LionessRoar · 02/10/2020 13:53

Agree with @Florencex, buying gifts from the children etc is the bare minimum. The whole disorganised mess at the food court is because OP didn’t bother arranging a nice meal. In fact personally I would expect a nice meal at home as a minimum for someone organising their loved one’s birthday. If she was too busy or tired she could’ve suggested a takeaway. She seems to have spent most of the day avoiding DH then complaining about the meal. Then come on here and go to great lengths to portray herself as some sort of Stepford Wife. If I was her husband I would be questioning how much she actually valued me. I think she owes her husband and children a big apology, but I’m guessing that won’t happen

Becca8675309 · 02/10/2020 14:36

I would have NOT have made a fuss on a birthday. It's always a BIG mistake to have a fight/get upset on any special day like Christmas, birthdays etc as it is ALWAYS, ALWAYS remembered every year.

Also, while they were a bit thoughtless I think you massively overreacted.

user1471538283 · 02/10/2020 15:53

This is really bad manners. Certainly pop off to get an ice cream but they should have at least asked if you wanted one and then came back to keep you company.

SantaClaritaDiet · 02/10/2020 16:23

This is really bad manners.

even if it was, surely that's up to their MOTHER to teach them manners, not go sulking in the car!

CharityDingle · 02/10/2020 16:43

Leaving aside the ending up eating on your own, which was possibly unavoidable, if your order was later/ took longer and the ice cream place was about to close, your husband doesn't sound very nice. The comment about the cake is bitchy, given that it was the kids who did it.

I suppose it would be as well to look at your own behaviour too. You might have a tendency towards martyrdom. I don't mean that in a nasty way.

Next time around, don't bother saving a table, take the chance that you will get one. Start putting your own needs first. Don't let your husband, and even more so your children think that any old thing will do, for you. Express your wishes clearly. Beware of being passive aggressive and If you notice it, nip it in the bud.

I hope that your husband takes trouble to ensure that you have nice birthdays. If not, it's something else that may need to change.

Howlooseisyourgoose · 03/10/2020 10:31

@SantaClaritaDiet

This is really bad manners.

even if it was, surely that's up to their MOTHER to teach them manners, not go sulking in the car!

The FATHER should teach his kids manners by showing you consider others and ASK if mum wants an ice cream too!
CutToChase · 03/10/2020 10:35

@SantaClaritaDiet Are you from the 50s?

UniversalAunt · 03/10/2020 18:16

So next time, leave the oldest kid as table retainer (TR) Everyone else goes up to order their meals. The sensible adults make sure they know what the TR would like or prefer to eat. Everything ordered at once & everyone scoffs en famille.

Sensible adults notice chucking out time is imminent & take orders for ice cream ( maybe takes TR kid along so they get to choose for the self). Sensible adult returns to flock at table with orders of ice cream & some extras as even more of a treat. Everyone has loads of ice cream & trades licks to try different flavours.

That’s how it works on my planet...

As OP mentioned at the outset, she delayed her ordering to keep the table so the family would have somewhere to sit. Alas, her OH & kids were not prescient, polite or psychic enough to order her some chow.

Somewhere along the line for OP, she has become the ‘service provider’ for her family & feels hurt by how the family meal turned out.

@CharityDingle says ‘ Next time around, don't bother saving a table, take the chance that you will get one. Start putting your own needs first. Don't let your husband, and even more so your children think that any old thing will do, for you. Express your wishes clearly. Beware of being passive aggressive and If you notice it, nip it in the bud.

I hope that your husband takes trouble to ensure that you have nice birthdays. If not, it's something else that may need to change.’

I say bring this regime forward & get this new regime going now in good time for the Christmas season. Delegate Christmas meal prep to OH & the older kids- all that chopping vegetables, get the oven stuff going, tidying up & laying the table - whilst @llamalana has a well deserved morning off, lie in or pop out to see friends for a festive slosh, arrives home to issue executive chef orders & the fine tuning of flavours.

UniversalAunt · 03/10/2020 18:17

Oh yes, 5yos can tidy up & lay the table.

Cadent · 03/10/2020 18:44

Ain’t no one getting a lick of my ice cream cone. Envy

Meuniere · 03/10/2020 18:54

I’m trying to picture a meal with the OP,, her DH and PIL.
If the MIL had had her meal last, would her DH have waited? Would he have proposed to get an icecream and leave her alone at the table? Would he have come back with nothing for his mother?

I very very much doubt. Because it’s rude. Because it screams of not caring at all for that person.

The OP should never have had to ‘ask’ or remind him etc. Treating her like this was screaming comptent and ‘I don’t care and do not respect you as a person’