To ask what does your current partner not know about you?

PunkyPirate · 2020-10-01T08:32:18+00:00

I am ready for all the 'there are no secrets in our relationship' but surly there must be something your other half doesn't know? For example, mine doesn't know that I had an affair when I was married to my ex husband with a man who is quite well known in football. I'm not proud of what I did, but I was 21 at the time, in an abusive relationship and flattered that this older man complimented me and showed an interest in me. It was the first and last time I was unfaithful and definitely not something I can see myself doing now I am older and a little wiser and in a healthy and happy relationship.

LakieLady · 01/10/2020 09:42

Nothing that I can think of.

We've known each other for over 30 years, were a BF/GF for 18 months soon after we met, remained very good friends afterwards, and got together again almost 10 years ago.

We've been close all that time, and have supported one another through some very challenging and difficult times. And we've seen one another at our worst many times, too!

LeSquigh · 01/10/2020 09:43

That I have a denture plate. It’s just one tooth. I really wish I had told him early on but I never did and now I find it very embarrassing and just can’t say it. I’m only 40ish and have had one for 15 years or so. We have been together for just under 10. It seems ridiculous to think he doesn’t know but I (think I) cunningly avoid it being seen/felt. Maybe he does know but doesn’t want to embarrass me either. The thing is the bane of my life. I could never afford an implant and I suspect it’s been this way for so long that I wouldn’t be able to have one even if I could. It embarrasses me massively and no one in real life knows about it.

Also that I gamble a fair amount. Not enough that it causes a problem but a couple of hundred quid a month that I really could do with. Having said that I have self banned from nearly all accounts now so I’ve made very good progress with that.

IToldYouThisBefore · 01/10/2020 09:45

That I'm about to start CBT (in about 15 mins actually!) He doesn't get my anxiety and I suspect thinks I'm being dramatic, so now I just don't tell him. Which doesn't sound great, I know!

RantAndDec · 01/10/2020 09:51

He doesn't know that I know about his affairs. He doesn't know that I have known for months, and that I've been severing my emotional attachment to him for those months, forcing myself to lose all hope and faith in him. I am nearly there, and I am very very nearly strong enough to walk away.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 01/10/2020 09:55

I'm so sorry @RantAndDec but pleased you are nearly there. I hope you will feel much happier without him.

Takeitonthechin · 01/10/2020 09:59

@RantAndDec .... how did you find out he was cheating on you?

beachedwhales · 01/10/2020 10:04

He doesn't know how much money I have and I'm not going to tell him.

Lantern156 · 01/10/2020 10:09

I can’t really think of anything! I’m rubbish at keeping secrets so anything I’m embarrassed to share comes out eventually anyway.

BiBabbles · 01/10/2020 10:36

Over the decades, there still comes out things my spouse doesn't know or that I don't know about him, but they're less 'secrets' and more 'random childhood stories that haven't come up before our kids were the relevant age'. We've known since we were teens and generally enjoy living in each other's pockets and talking about almost everything since we moved in together in our late teens.

I do have something that might be a secret, but might not, but it's mostly about him - in his late teens and early twenties, he had significant auditory and visual hallucinations (this he knows), but there was a particularly bad episode in his early twenties where he said certain things in a very disassociated state and during it he said he was going to go to sleep soon, that he wouldn't remember this, and asked me not to talk about what he'd said again because it might 'awaken the monster'. A lot of what he said involved a controller and a monster separate from him.

I told him I wouldn't talk to him again about it and I've kept my word - I've been tempted and asked him once after a decade or so had passed and it had been years since he'd had an episode if he would want to know more about what he'd said in those states and he said no. I've no idea if he remembers and that was literally the only time this monster or controller was mentioned (every other episode, his auditory hallucination was either just noises or sounded like a language he couldn't understand but he could get the tone of it and this was the only time he seemed to believe what was going on, every other time he could tell his hallucinations were fake if only by how others didn't react to it).

Whether or not he remembers, I doubt he knows how much I think about that night. It may have just been a one-off psychosis as part of wider mental health problems that are now behind us, but I see elements of what he said elsewhere. Like, when he talks about being the tallest by far in his class at like 12 and how he was afraid of hurting people but a lot of his peers took his height as a challenge to abuse him -- something our oldest has sadly also gone through - he talks about how he had to control himself and it reminds me of what he said about the controller or when he gets really stressed out there is something in his face that reminds me of that night. It has affected our relationship in different ways over the years, but other than in anonymous forums (this may be the first time I've written this out), it's something I keep to myself. It's the biggest almost in the almost everything we talk about.

RantAndDec · 01/10/2020 10:41

I found out he was cheating because I snooped. I saw a text from one of my best friends flashing up on his phone, and looked. Somehow I swallowed back my initial urge to go postal with him, her and to tell her husband. My hot rage has faded and I am going to quietly tell him I know, and then I'll go.
It's really weird and fucked up, but I feel that the fact that I have this knowledge and he doesn't know that I know, gives me tremendous power. I have quietly grieved our relationship and he doesn't even know it.

blubberball · 01/10/2020 11:00

@RantAndDec That is powerful.

LucyRivers167 · 01/10/2020 11:15

That I know he is hiding whatsapping someone from me (probably his ex who he can't part from it seems). He is online on whatsapp the moment I leave the room and immediately changes application when I come back/sit next to him. Clearly thinks I'm stupid.

I know he lied about when he broke up with his ex too.

She lives (or so he says) far away so I don't think there is a physical affair, but she's clearly his long lost (raging, turbulent) love. I'm a nice girl, ideal I guess, but I don't think I compare to her.

Not sure what to do. I want to ask him who he is messaging, but I would have to admit that I pay way too much attention on his online status. He is a fantastic partner but there's always something I guess. It's my first LT relationship, I'm 25 and he's 35, and we've been together 3 years. I am aware that I am likely naïve in many ways, just not sure how.

LucyRivers167 · 01/10/2020 11:23

@RantAndDec I think this is all very strong of you

Swiftnicola · 01/10/2020 11:25

Lucy, you are young -would it not be better to get out now and find someone who treats you as the live of their life?

Swiftnicola · 01/10/2020 11:25

Live not live

JunkCrumpet · 01/10/2020 11:27

I didn't tell DH I had cancer until eight months after my diagnosis. He knew I was hiding something and demanded to know. I showed him the letter of diagnosis. He read it and we never discussed it again. I'm just better at dealing with things by myself sometimes. I think watching the person you love going through cancer and the fear of losing the person you love is probably much harder than having cancer - so I just didn't want to do that to him. I'm better now but we've never discussed it since I showed him the letter.

littlekipling · 01/10/2020 11:38

I have secret savings, not much but its building slowly. Don't want to go into specifically why I am keeping it from him as that would spark a whole different debate I'm sure 🤣 I told him when I first started saving and as it got bigger I lied and said I'd spent it on some essential bills so no longer have any savings. He's terrible with money so I'm mainly trying to protect myself.

LucyRivers167 · 01/10/2020 11:43

@Swiftnicola It's hard to explain but he does treat me like the love of his life, but then she is also always there it feels...it is hard for me to explain.

I know he was happier when he was younger, more successful in his career, had more friends, he was more confident. Generally she 'had' him for those years and for him, he feels middle aged and old now and thus this part of his life is worse, even if he says I'm 'the one'.

I don't want to be left with (what he considers to be) the less good years of his life, with everything getting worse here on out. He may love me but it's like having the slightly stale piece of cake that someone else didn't want. Stale because he believes it is stale.

I should mention that he has depression and anxiety and was on medication for 10+ years. And his ex seems to have been an angry unwell person (his friends have said the same). She used to hit him when she was drunk, and she was often drunk.

Rosebel · 01/10/2020 11:44

He still doesn't know why I get tearful every Christmas Eve. We've been together for 15 years and I still can't tell him
Can't think of anything else though.

LucyRivers167 · 01/10/2020 11:46

@Rosebel why do you get tearful? Sorry to hear that

Jayaywhynot · 01/10/2020 11:51

Again, how much money I actually have, when we first got together and he found out I had savings he just wanted me to spend it all on holidays and trips, he's much better now and has savings himself but I don't like him to know how much I have.
Also back then I told him what I thought was a funny story that happened years ago when I'd had too much to drink, made a fool out of myself amongst friends and he used the story as a stick to beat me with "you did xxxx how could you do that, embarrass yourself etc" yeah pal cos you can tell me off for something that happened 10 yes before I met you 🙄
I don't tell him anything anymore, as far as he's concerned my life started when I met him, my childhood, young adult history is a blank grey space

Opengateclosegate · 01/10/2020 11:56

Loads. My weight. He guessed I was 15 stone and I’m actually 21 stone

He doesn’t know I’ve inherited £57k from my father. I don’t know why I haven’t told him. I probably will at some stage

Shakespearsister · 01/10/2020 11:56

That I have a Rampant Rabbit in my dressing room draw.

Potterpotterpotter · 01/10/2020 11:56

@LeSquigh

That I have a denture plate. It’s just one tooth. I really wish I had told him early on but I never did and now I find it very embarrassing and just can’t say it. I’m only 40ish and have had one for 15 years or so. We have been together for just under 10. It seems ridiculous to think he doesn’t know but I (think I) cunningly avoid it being seen/felt. Maybe he does know but doesn’t want to embarrass me either. The thing is the bane of my life. I could never afford an implant and I suspect it’s been this way for so long that I wouldn’t be able to have one even if I could. It embarrasses me massively and no one in real life knows about it.

Also that I gamble a fair amount. Not enough that it causes a problem but a couple of hundred quid a month that I really could do with. Having said that I have self banned from nearly all accounts now so I’ve made very good progress with that.

Side question... how can you not afford a dental implant but you can spend a couple of hundred a month gambling ....

Potterpotterpotter · 01/10/2020 11:57

@JunkCrumpet

I didn't tell DH I had cancer until eight months after my diagnosis. He knew I was hiding something and demanded to know. I showed him the letter of diagnosis. He read it and we never discussed it again. I'm just better at dealing with things by myself sometimes. I think watching the person you love going through cancer and the fear of losing the person you love is probably much harder than having cancer - so I just didn't want to do that to him. I'm better now but we've never discussed it since I showed him the letter.

Sorry you went through that...

Did he at least ask if you were ok now?