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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or was friend horrible re pregnancy announcement?

159 replies

Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove · 30/09/2020 12:32

I have been struggling to conceive now for 3 years and have multiple failed rounds of fertility treatment behind me. Obviously in that time lots of my friends and family have gotten pregnant. Most tell me personally and it usually goes ‘well I wanted to tell you I’m pregnant’ me ‘congratulations that’s wonderful when are you due etc’. Later on I would often feel upset it’s not me but I am genuinely happy for my friends. Some of my closest friends also sometimes said ‘ I understand this is hard for you and I hope you will be pregnant soon too’ which is nice of them and I’ve always felt very lucky to have understanding friends.

However last night a good friend rang me to tell me she’s pregnant and I can only describe it as horrible.

Friend had only been trying around 4 months. Basically she said 3 times on the call how wonderful it was that she got pregnant naturally and didn’t need any help to get pregnant - to me who she knows has been told I won’t be able to conceive naturally. She kept going on about how tough it was for her being pregnant how tired she was now ill she felt - to me who she knows would give anything to be pregnant. She talked about how tough it was she didn’t get pregnant earlier and how she called me to tell me as that’s how she liked to be told when she was ‘struggling’ to get pregnant - so equating her non issues conceiving in 4 months to my trying for years, spending thousands and going through gruelling fertility procedures. She also said I was fine as I had a dog.

AIBU or was this just a awful way to tell me. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting. I hung up from the call and cried my eyes out which has never happened me before. She made me feel so worthless.

OP posts:

MayIJustAsk · 30/09/2020 17:19

That's so rude of her. What a cow of a friend. Maybe she got caught up in her excitement. I hope she realises soon how bad she sounded. Sending positive vibes your way OP hope you get everything you wish for x

Original poster

Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove · 30/09/2020 17:27

Thanks everyone for all of your supportive messages.

to those going through the same or who have been through it and are out the other side and also to everyone who has had to put up with insensitive comments. It makes a hard thing harder.

@RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling I didn’t say at any stage she was horrible - I said that she was horrible in how she announced the pregnancy as it was pretty horrific for me emotionally and still is impacting on me today.

I don’t think she meant to be nasty but I don’t think she was trying to be considerate either and it came out wrong. Maybe she was but it came across to me like she was so happy to not end up like me she trampled all over my feelings in the process.

Even if not intentional it still hurt me and I wanted to ask if I was being unreasonable and if it’s just another one of those things you have to put up with when you’re struggling and others are getting pregnant.

I am glad the majority agree I shouldn’t have to deal with it as this makes me both feel less crazy and also feel like I can take a step back from her without feeling bad and like I need to suck it up and get on with it.

I won’t be cutting her out or anything drastic but I won’t be contacting her and will take a step back from her. As even if it was fully good intentioned it still impacted me a lot and I am going through a lot of heartache and fertility treatment at the minute.

@Phrowzunn I wouldn’t refer to the dog as a baby no. I’m not one of those fur baby people although I do love the dog.

OP posts:

Heyahun · 30/09/2020 18:00

Wow that’s a bit weird - and definitely mean spirited

Husband and I sent a text to our friend today to tell her I’m pregnant!
She’s had 5 years of round after round of failed ivf - we were dreading telling her as don’t want to upset her!

We thought a text was best so she could have time to be sad / jealous or whatever - take it all in!

I would never have called her and blabbed on about how great it is - fucking hell

Thunderbolted · 30/09/2020 18:06

People say the strangest things. When we were going through IVF (maybe 5 rounds by this stage) a friend was just starting treatment for secondary infertility. She told us that it was harder for her as she already had a child and so knew what she was missing out on, whereas being childless we didn't understand!!

Rightthen24 · 30/09/2020 18:21

I had a so called friend who ended up pregnant, she was in a toxic, volitile marriage so bringing a baby into the relationship was a terrible idea. I had been TTC for awhile, going through fertility tests. When I asked her for some space she told me I was just jealous of her pregnancy and wanted what she had........she's no friend.

ShebaShimmyShake · 30/09/2020 18:31

@Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove

Thanks everyone for all of your supportive messages.

to those going through the same or who have been through it and are out the other side and also to everyone who has had to put up with insensitive comments. It makes a hard thing harder.

@RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling I didn’t say at any stage she was horrible - I said that she was horrible in how she announced the pregnancy as it was pretty horrific for me emotionally and still is impacting on me today.

@Phrowzunn I wouldn’t refer to the dog as a baby no. I’m not one of those fur baby people although I do love the dog.

Will she notice if you withdraw without saying anything? If so then you should let her know how you feel. You don't need to be rude or aggressive but if she contacts you and you're never there, she's likely to think you're just hurting from your situation and not to realise it's anything to do with what she said.

If she really is a friend who was just thoughtless then she should understand. If not, well, at least you both know where you stand.

HandfulofDust · 30/09/2020 18:38

I sympathise with people who accidentally say something insensitive but she sounds like she was gloating.

MindatWork · 30/09/2020 18:39

@RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling I’ve seen some extreme mental gymnastics to justify poor behaviour in my time on mumsnet, but with respect your post is one of the biggest reaches I’ve ever seen.

Maybe one of those things I could write off as ‘trying to say the right thing and coming up short’ but all of them at once?

Best of luck to you OP, I’ve been where you are and it’s horrible. and for you x

LoveEatYoga · 30/09/2020 18:48

She sounds like a twat.

People can be thoughtless.

Kapps123 · 30/09/2020 19:19

I am so sorry you had to go through that. I had tears in my eyes reading that, so I can only imagine how you felt. How utterly selfish of her. She is no friend. As someone who has been where you are, I am fortunate that IVF worked for me and I have my DD. My sister fell very quickly while I was going thrugh IVF, and kept it hidden until she knew the outcome for me (fortunately successful). I hope things work out for you, I know how hard all the treatments are. This woman is no friend of yours, I would forget her. All the best for the future xx

Runnerduck34 · 30/09/2020 21:19

She was insensitive but maybe she was just really really excited about her news and was therefore tactless. The remark about the dog is a bit much maybe it was a silly comment to cover awkwardness and she put the phone down and thought did i really say that?!
It must be really difficult for you right now, maybe just keep your distance for a bit, I hope you conceive soon

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2020 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WithLotsOfSprinkles0 · 30/09/2020 22:33

I wouldn't just take a step back and not contact her as she will think your insanely jealous at her being pregnant (which she will tell everyone) rather than her own inconsiderate behaviour.

I would tell her how she made you feel and while you've had friends over the yearstell you they're pregnant, you've never had anyone tell you like she had.

I would not let her get away with this and needs to be told.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 30/09/2020 22:44

I had secondary infertility which is horrible but nowhere near as bad as what you are going through OP and when it was all going on, a couple of people on facebook kept moaning about their awful pregnancy symptoms - l would have given my right arm for another baby however sick l felt or however much heartburn l got. Had to unfriend them in the end - no consideration for other people that might be suffering. So l think maybe put some space between you and her - (blame covid if you have to!) but she does not sound like a nice person. Hope your dream comes true sometime soon xx

TurquoiseDress · 30/09/2020 22:45

YANBU

Wow it sounds like she was spectacularly insensitive!

If she's like this and newly pregnant, I think she's going to be a total nightmare going forwards.

If I were you I'd step back from the friendship, it sounds like you have other much more caring & sensitive friends around you.

Your reaction was totally understandable, although I imagine she is probably there scratching her head about how that phone call well, it seems like she just doesn't get it

for you

Mikeymoo12 · 30/09/2020 23:31

She just sounds a right selfish dick head to be honest. I'm sorry you had to listen to her crap

crimsonclover · 30/09/2020 23:36

This is so bad that I do suspect it may have been a clumsy way of trying to empathise. So ‘I’m so glad I got pregnant naturally’ might have sounded like ‘I know I’m lucky to have gotten pregnant naturally’ in her own head. Or, ‘being pregnant sucks’ may have been ‘I know you’d kill for this but please know my life isn’t perfect either’ etc? She may have over thought what she’d say to you and has totally fucked it up by trying too hard.

WouldaCouldaShouldaNot · 30/09/2020 23:43

I’m going to gently suggest you’re being over sensitive.

There’s a huge difference between:
“She also said I was fine as I had a dog” in your first post and
“you’ve your dog as a baby until you get a baby”.

Could you be putting the same spin on the entire conversation?

DressingGownofDoom · 30/09/2020 23:43

@crimsonclover

Yes I think this too. I've been guilty of doing this with my friend who struggling to conceive, only really mentioning the bits of parenting that leave you tired and wrung out because I don't want to bang on about how much I really love it. And then I think, well she probably thinks I'm an ungrateful cow because she only hears me complaining! I really do think quite a lot of what she said was a very clumsy attempt at being considerate but obviously fell very wide of the margin. She is probably kicking herself about it.

peonia · 30/09/2020 23:50

If she was really worried about getting tongue tied she should have sent a nicely worded text and allowed the OP to process it in her own time.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through.

festiveivf · 01/10/2020 06:47

@WouldaCouldaShouldaNot

I’m going to gently suggest you’re being over sensitive.

There’s a huge difference between:
“She also said I was fine as I had a dog” in your first post and
“you’ve your dog as a baby until you get a baby”.

Could you be putting the same spin on the entire conversation?

There's no difference here

festiveivf · 01/10/2020 06:49

I'm willing to bet all the people saying OP is over reacting are people that have never struggled, and therefore lack empathy and have probably made the same mistakes as OP's friend.

JalapenoDave · 01/10/2020 06:58

Jesus OP - who needs enemies when you have friends like that!?
Very insensitive of her. I would keep my distance from her to be honest- unfilled her on social media, don't go out of your way to make contact.
Wishing you all the luck in the world OP

JalapenoDave · 01/10/2020 06:59

Unfollow** not unfilled

Highfivemum · 01/10/2020 07:10

That is truly awful and I am so sorry that a so called friend treated you this way. Like most I too have a friend who struggled to conceive and as I always conceived easliy I always used to worry about how to tel her that I was pregnant again ( 6 DC) However I would have never dreamed of saying the things your friend said to you... that is simply cruel and you deserve better.
I wish you all the luck in the world and very soon you are announcing your pregnancy to your real friends.

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