Or was friend horrible re pregnancy announcement?

[Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove]

I have been struggling to conceive now for 3 years and have multiple failed rounds of fertility treatment behind me. Obviously in that time lots of my friends and family have gotten pregnant. Most tell me personally and it usually goes ‘well I wanted to tell you I’m pregnant’ me ‘congratulations that’s wonderful when are you due etc’. Later on I would often feel upset it’s not me but I am genuinely happy for my friends. Some of my closest friends also sometimes said ‘ I understand this is hard for you and I hope you will be pregnant soon too’ which is nice of them and I’ve always felt very lucky to have understanding friends.

However last night a good friend rang me to tell me she’s pregnant and I can only describe it as horrible.

Friend had only been trying around 4 months. Basically she said 3 times on the call how wonderful it was that she got pregnant naturally and didn’t need any help to get pregnant - to me who she knows has been told I won’t be able to conceive naturally. She kept going on about how tough it was for her being pregnant how tired she was now ill she felt - to me who she knows would give anything to be pregnant. She talked about how tough it was she didn’t get pregnant earlier and how she called me to tell me as that’s how she liked to be told when she was ‘struggling’ to get pregnant - so equating her non issues conceiving in 4 months to my trying for years, spending thousands and going through gruelling fertility procedures. She also said I was fine as I had a dog.

AIBU or was this just a awful way to tell me. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting. I hung up from the call and cried my eyes out which has never happened me before. She made me feel so worthless.

She sounds awful OP. I would imagine that knowing about your issues she has been worried that she might end up facing the same difficulties as you and is so relieved to be pregnant that she has blurted this all out to you. It’s really inexcusable though and it would be fine to send her a message explaining how she has made you feel.

Well covid is a good excuse to not see her.
Blocking her number is an even better idea...

She sounds horrible and I'd be ditching her as a friend, even if it wasn't me she said that to. What a bitch.

Your friend was very insensitive. Some people are so full of themselves they just don't think. She may realise afterwards but what's done is done.

I'm so sorry you had to be bombarded with that conversation and I hope things work out well for you in the future.

Wow I’m so angry for you. Please pull back from this train crash of a woman. Having been through ivf 3 times before successful, I can understand how hurtful this was to hear.

Jeezus she sounds like a right bitch

Really awful. Honestly you don't need people like this in your life. Sending you hugs.

Yanbu. The 'struggling' and dog comments particularly stand out to me as being shit.

She sounds horrible OP - so sorry. I agree with others about cutting her out of your life. No one needs friends like that

I was always worried about fertility issues. I have very irregular periods. Sometimes only 1 or 2 a year. Thought I would need ivf. Luckily I didn't and was so happy. Maybe she was worried too about something similar.

She sounds completely clueless, lacking in empathy and also a bit self centered. But remember those are her character flaws and issues and absolutely no reflection on you or your situation xxx It's probably best to distance yourself from this person now (do it gently- she's so wrapped up in herself she'll likely not notice) you don't need that kind of negative energy around you. Focus on positives and keep reading about people who have conceived successfully after struggles. protect yourself and your mindset. Huge hugs xxx

I was ready to say you were unreasonable as most of the time these posts are from people over sensitive to others' news, and I say that as someone who spent years and 3 failed cycles trying.

But you are defo not. To be honest she just sounds like a self obsorbed ignorant twit and I couldn't be friends with someone like that. Unless she has a number of large redeeming features I would be cutting ties with her altogether.

I’ll play devils advocate, dud she really say these things the way you write, because clearly that would be appalling, or did she say them differently and that’s what you heard. Sometimes there is a huge difference between what is said and what is heard, based on how the recipient feels about the message and what’s going on in their head at the time.

Take some time to think did she really say it the way you write it, as baldly as that, or was she trying to be empathetic and failed, and you heard something else due to how you were feeling.

Before you end a friendship it is worth taking some time to think about what was actually said.

Give your dog a hug - they will know more about being loyal and compassionate then your "good friend" ever will

Agree with this ❤️ I don't know if you did get a dog whilst going through or because of all of this, but I got mine when I was about 2 years in and no it doesn't make it fine or better or make you forget. I had people say the same to me as your friend 'at least you've got your dog' or 'just get more dogs' etc etc... always from people who had kids already and didn't understand. But they do give lovely, innocent cuddles and they listen to all the shit you want to get out of your head without judging like humans do. I know mine got me out of bed on the mornings I felt I could lie there all day so I know it isn't the same but I hope your doggie makes you smile from time to time like mine did mine saved my life really xx

That was horrible to read, it must have been dreadful to listen to. So sorry, some people just have no idea. 💐

You sound like you have some lovely friends, but she is not one of them. I'd pull away from her, if you try to explain your feelings it sounds like she will turn this into something about her....

Has she tried to contact you since you hung up on her?

I'm sorry you're feeling so upset. She was insensitive in the extreme and I hope she can work that out for herself and apologise.

She really is not your friend if she can speak to you in that way when she knows the difficulties you've had in conceiving. Other people in your life have managed to be tactful and sensitive when telling you their good news - that's because they care about you. This person sounds self-centred and lacking in empathy and honestly isn't worth a second of your time.

My sister, well both of them are having IVF. I have to be very very careful what I say to them because the process if gruelling, this friend was very thoughtless.

She was definitely thoughtless and insensitive.

Sending you big hugs. I have walked this path too.

I know someone, I won't call her a friend, who would behave like this. The only way she can relate to anything is of taking about her, and as her life is significantly better in every possible way than absolutely everyone else's, you can imagine her responses to things.
I would distance yourself from her, she doesn't sound like she's going to be there for you in your future journeys which I hope involve many beautiful babies for you op.

I suppose it’s possible that she was so worried about upsetting you that she started gabbling nonsense, didn’t know how to handle it and got it all badly wrong?

It’s also possible she’s a grade A bitch.

If any of my long-standing friends screwed up that badly I’d put it down to hormones/nerves/misjudging and id get over it. I might say something at some point, but would otherwise try and stay friends. But then I think my long-standing friends are good people!

So I guess you could have a think about what she’s generally like? Do you think this was deliberately cruel or is she just a bit of an arse with poor social skills?

@nettytree - so what if she did think that as you suggest? Do you think that makes it ok to say what she said to OP? Your whole post is slightly insensitive to be honest.

I'm thinking along the lines of @Bluntness100. doesnt take away from the real shit hand you've been dealt in life - but what kind of friend was she generally? has she been there for you before? are you particularly close? if so, then I would really think about what she said. if it was exactly how you say then you wouldnt want to be around someone who could be so cruel anyway.

as an example, I had a miscarriage of twins a few years ago after it taking over a year to conceive. afterwards, I was so emotionally heightened by the news of babies/pregnancy that I had a fall out with a friend at a wedding around 6 months later. she was going on about what she would call her first kid, whether she would like a boy/girl in what order, what would I call my first kid, did me and my partner plan on having any etc. - she knew about my miscarriage. I ended up snapping and responding with something along the lines of "I dont give a fuck whether i have a boy/girl first aslong as they get here healthy, I obviously have thought of names as in case it slipped your mind I miscarried twins half a year ago" and a few other profanities too I'm ashamed to admit. it was a little harsh but I felt like you did, how could someone be so insensitive and dense after what I had experienced. sometimes people dont think and she was beyond apologetic the following day and was extremely embarrassed.

it's a very sensitive topic in general I think. people do fuck up sometimes.

What a bitch.

You’re completely justified in walking away from this relationship as she’s going to be one of those women pregnant with the messiah.

I had similar with a few years ago. I’d just had my third miscarriage, I’d told friend about two of them, and she sent a text to say she was pregnant, it was an accident, terrible timing, sooo inconvenient with her work and she was feeling rough and had baby brain ha ha... I’ve known her more than 30 years, she’d never been a dick before, and I was knocked sideways. I managed a brief congratulations and took a step back.