Or was friend horrible re pregnancy announcement?

[Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove]

I have been struggling to conceive now for 3 years and have multiple failed rounds of fertility treatment behind me. Obviously in that time lots of my friends and family have gotten pregnant. Most tell me personally and it usually goes ‘well I wanted to tell you I’m pregnant’ me ‘congratulations that’s wonderful when are you due etc’. Later on I would often feel upset it’s not me but I am genuinely happy for my friends. Some of my closest friends also sometimes said ‘ I understand this is hard for you and I hope you will be pregnant soon too’ which is nice of them and I’ve always felt very lucky to have understanding friends.

However last night a good friend rang me to tell me she’s pregnant and I can only describe it as horrible.

Friend had only been trying around 4 months. Basically she said 3 times on the call how wonderful it was that she got pregnant naturally and didn’t need any help to get pregnant - to me who she knows has been told I won’t be able to conceive naturally. She kept going on about how tough it was for her being pregnant how tired she was now ill she felt - to me who she knows would give anything to be pregnant. She talked about how tough it was she didn’t get pregnant earlier and how she called me to tell me as that’s how she liked to be told when she was ‘struggling’ to get pregnant - so equating her non issues conceiving in 4 months to my trying for years, spending thousands and going through gruelling fertility procedures. She also said I was fine as I had a dog.

AIBU or was this just a awful way to tell me. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting. I hung up from the call and cried my eyes out which has never happened me before. She made me feel so worthless.

Awful. Especially the dog part. That's particularly dreadful. Some of the rest could be put down to self-absorption but the dog thing is aimed at hurting you deliberately.

@Bluntness100

I’ll play devils advocate, dud she really say these things the way you write, because clearly that would be appalling, or did she say them differently and that’s what you heard. Sometimes there is a huge difference between what is said and what is heard, based on how the recipient feels about the message and what’s going on in their head at the time.

Take some time to think did she really say it the way you write it, as baldly as that, or was she trying to be empathetic and failed, and you heard something else due to how you were feeling.

Before you end a friendship it is worth taking some time to think about what was actually said.

This! I would be speaking with her again and gauging how the next conversation went. I’ve had friends tell me they’re pregnant and interpreted it horrendously where in reflection it wasn’t - it was me.

Do you know for a fact it’s been four months? That she hasn’t had some health issues?

I’d she really said it the way you write then of course YANBU.

If I were that 'friend' I'd feel incredibly awkward about telling you and would probably just quickly say it, play it right down, then move onto an different subject. Rubbing salt in as she did is not a 'friend'. No doubt if you did try to explain how hurt you found her behaviour she would be massively defensive and claim it was sour grapes on your part. I wouldn't have anything to do with her from now on. Toxic woman.

I don't think it was insensitive, I think it was deliberate. Insensitive is blabbing once 'oh, we're so glad it happened so quickly' (or something). She said three times how glad she was not to have needed help. The 'I called you as that's how I liked to be told when I was struggling' is like a taunt.

My guess, OP, is she's always been envious of you over something and is taking the opportunity to get a dig in at you. I'd be distancing myself if I were you.

YANBU. I'm so sorry your friend is acting this way knowing how badly you just want to be pregnant. I am virtually sending you so much baby dust in the whole universe. I really hope it happens for you soon. X

Has this friend had a history of word vomit? I'm in no way defending her comments - they were cruel and insensitive. But perhaps she was nervous of your reaction (admittedly not your problem) and everything came out terribly and fudged.

Perhaps as others have suggested talk to her again and see what she's like. She might feel remorseful. If not then take a huge step back.

Hmmmm, I'm struggling to conceive to (test, treatment, the works) so I get how your are feeling.

I think the way she spoke to you was rubbish, particularly the part about having a dog. FFS. And I would be pulling back big time. Mute on social, intermittent responses to messages etc.

But if you are anything like me you might, if you are honest, know that sometimes you can be overly sensitive to things. Has she really only be trying for four months? Is there anything more to it?

If she is a good friend I'd give her another chance, maybe talk to her about how she has been insensitive if its a special friendship, but be prepared to remove her from your orbit.

I'm sorry OP, she was thoughtless and insensitive. I had similar once with a friend who accidentally fell pregnant with a third ( in the time we were TTc and going through IVF ) and she told me by sending me photos of her pregnancy tests when she knew all I wanted was to see two lines on mine.

People don't get it and the pain you have unless they've been through it themselves

@Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove

You will be fine as you have a dog ????? 🤔

What an insensitive 'friend'.

Dogs{or cats , or horses} are not children.

There was a programme years ago about Infertility, and the pain was intense.

One of the participants was a vet, and astonishingly a week later our dog had to have vaccine and this lovely woman was the locum vet.

Of course I didn't mention it, but thought that life was not fair.

It is grossly insensitive for your friend to be like this to you.

Stop referring to her as 'friend'. She isn't one. She sounds nasty.

I got to know a group of mums after my first baby. Two of the mums had really struggled to conceive and were traumatised by the gruellingly tough and invasive procedures, etc. they'd been through. We tried for baby number two soon afterwards and I was beside myself with worry how to break the news to these mums that I was expecting again. I put a post on here asking for advice and followed it through based on what others who'd struggled said they'd like to be told. Even then, in their company, I didn't talk about me and the baby unless they asked.

I agree with Bluntness.

When many posters are agreeing that someone is as 'sensitive as a brick' , ' a bitch' etc it surely must occur to posters that the problem might be found in the perception of the conversation rather than the reality? Do we really believe someone described as a friend would say these things in the manner they have been perceived?

We only ever read one side here, why do we so easily accept it?

That's remarkably insensitive, it's almost as if she had a bingo card of "how to cause distress to someone struggling with infertility" and aimed to tick every box.

She said you were fine because you have a dog? Really? wtaf? no OP yanbu and I hope you do get there yourself soon as well

Unless she's particularly dense there's no way that wasn't deliberate. I had a "friend" who would do just that - EVERYTHING was a competition and making another woman feel awful was worth it to her if it meant she'd "win". Sadly some horrible women do use fertility/babies as a competition, it's vile.

My sister had something very similar last year when she was starting IVF. Her SIL had an unplanned pregnancy and took every opportunity to make her feel inadequate for struggling to conceive. Horrendous behaviour. I'd take a step back OP

You are not being unreasonable, a very normal reaction to a very insensitive friend. I doubt she meant to make you feel bad, but some people just don't think.

"She also said I was fine as I had a dog."

Say what now?

If the "friend" really told Op that she was glad to have got pregnant without help & quickly-how can that be misinterpreted?

Isn't it a given that anyone would want that-so it doesn't even need saying, does it?

"When many posters are agreeing that someone is as 'sensitive as a brick' , ' a bitch' etc it surely must occur to posters that the problem might be found in the perception of the conversation rather than the reality?"

She only needed to tell Op that she is pregnant-no other details needed.

@titnomatani you sound so lovely, I think sometimes people forget that it can also be difficult when people go on to have more children and others can’t for whatever reason.

OP I hope you’re ok, your ‘friend’ sounds vastly insensitive. In your shoes I think I might give her one more chance but only if I felt up to it emotionally

I’m so sorry you are struggling. My heart goes out to you.

I have to put a slightly different view to this - I can get terribly socially awkward at times. More so when I know something is important. Then my mouth just run away with it completely before my brain is engaged. It is possible that she put the phone down and went searching for a hole to disappear in. Maybe see how she is next time you speak, if it is a good friend?

That's awful. It's fine to be excited about your news but there are other people she can be super excited about it with. I've been ttc for 5 years and am pregnant now. I have shared my news with all who are important to me and have played it down with those who are still ttc. I feel with your friend its only going to get worse. Can you distance yourself from this friend?

"It is possible that she put the phone down and went searching for a hole to disappear in."

But in these circumstances you'd call back & apologise, wouldn't you?

@unmarkedbythat exactly. What is the next phone call going to involve? Suggesting OP adopts, saying how fortunate she is to still be able go on nice holidays, how easy her life must be etc?!

@diddl yep it’s all that’s needed. I remember years ago being asked by friend A, how she should tell friend B with fertility issues she was pregnant. I said text, be polite but sensitive no it’s was so quick, l feel so sick etc. I wasn’t aware l had fertility issues at that point, now l am in that position it’s especially what l prefer

Thanks all, I am glad to hear I’m not being unreasonable. Like some posters have said there is always the worry I’m being over sensitive but I didn’t think I was. I’ve never reacted badly to an announcement before. I was just so shocked that given she knows all about our situation she would act in that way and talk so much about natural conception being so important when she knows I can’t do it.

I started ttc well before her and we are the same age so I know she was worried she would end up like me hence why I know how long she’s been trying as she told me her worries beforehand. But she hasn’t ended up like me and I think it was cruel of her to express her relief like that to me - she could’ve done that with other people. I did at the time think it unfair she was expressing her worries of ending up like me to me before she even started to try and I was trying to support her when there was no reason she wouldn’t conceive and I was actually going through it. I really should’ve taken a step back at that stage.

I know that she wasn’t being nasty - just very self absorbed and for that reason I will be distancing myself from her during this pregnancy. Luckily she lives over an hours drive away in my hometown so it will be easy with Covid to not see her and I might tell her I’m taking some time to myself and to be insular given all I have going on and that I’m sorry if I’m not up for chatting much.

When I say hung up I mean when the call ended. I didn’t hang up on her and I said good luck with all scans etc and say congrats to her husband from me so I don’t think she will know anything is wrong. I may mention it to her down the line Given others don’t think I’m being unreasonable. Or I might just leave it and keep my distance until I feel stronger and able to deal with her as she clearly is not able to be empathetic to me now she’s pregnant.

The dog comment was when I told her our latest treatment hadn’t worked. She said oh well you’ve your dog as a baby until you get a baby. It cut very deeply. I love my dog and got him to help us through this but he’s not the same as a baby and the reality is with all the failures we’ve had I may never have a baby and each failed treatment gets more difficult to bear.

Thanks everyone for being so kind and for your well wishes. I feel so empty inside today and her words keep reverberating around my head.

Some people just don't think. I remember a couple of months after we had been diagnosed "Infertile" MIL, (who knew about it) rang to tell me that a girl I knew had had her baby.
I was completely speechless, that she thought I'd want to know that. It was over 20 years ago and I still remember feeling so upset.
Try to forget about it but definitely distance yourself from this person. She'll be the exact same throughout her pregnancy. You should protect yourself and your feelings.

That is not a nice thing to do. I don’t blame you feeling feeling so upset. It wasn’t what a good friend would do unless they wanted to make you feel awful.

I hope you have better friends around