Or was friend horrible re pregnancy announcement?

[Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove]

I have been struggling to conceive now for 3 years and have multiple failed rounds of fertility treatment behind me. Obviously in that time lots of my friends and family have gotten pregnant. Most tell me personally and it usually goes ‘well I wanted to tell you I’m pregnant’ me ‘congratulations that’s wonderful when are you due etc’. Later on I would often feel upset it’s not me but I am genuinely happy for my friends. Some of my closest friends also sometimes said ‘ I understand this is hard for you and I hope you will be pregnant soon too’ which is nice of them and I’ve always felt very lucky to have understanding friends.

However last night a good friend rang me to tell me she’s pregnant and I can only describe it as horrible.

Friend had only been trying around 4 months. Basically she said 3 times on the call how wonderful it was that she got pregnant naturally and didn’t need any help to get pregnant - to me who she knows has been told I won’t be able to conceive naturally. She kept going on about how tough it was for her being pregnant how tired she was now ill she felt - to me who she knows would give anything to be pregnant. She talked about how tough it was she didn’t get pregnant earlier and how she called me to tell me as that’s how she liked to be told when she was ‘struggling’ to get pregnant - so equating her non issues conceiving in 4 months to my trying for years, spending thousands and going through gruelling fertility procedures. She also said I was fine as I had a dog.

AIBU or was this just a awful way to tell me. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting. I hung up from the call and cried my eyes out which has never happened me before. She made me feel so worthless.

You sound like a lovely person, but your "friend" does not.
You are trying to think the best of her, that she didn't mean to be unkind - but I'm sorry, I disagree. Sure, she's insensitive and very self-centred but it takes a special kind of meanness to make those digs at you, especially when sugar-coated.

I wouldn't have anything to do with her again. Maybe she normally has the tact of a flying sledgehammer, but that's no reason for you to keep putting yourself through any of this through contact with her. IF this is what she's like when she's just pregnant, she's going to be So Much Worse when the baby comes. Please cut contact with her now, for your own sake. x

That was so insensitive, I'm so sorry. I've been where you are, I went through one cycle of IVF, where I had no eggs and I was told that there was virtually no chance of IVF working. We adopted, our DDs are 11 and 8, so it's a long time in the past now, but I remember how painful that time was.

I remember my SIL telling me that IVF was wrong because of the 'spare embryos' (there weren't even any eggs!). She had recently had her fourth child when she said that (they now have five DC).

I'm afraid there are people who are insensitive, but I think they just have no way of understanding how painful and soul destroying it is to go through infertility.

Sorry this sounds so tough. It was unbelievable to me how tactless and insensitive people could be when we were TTC and our journey wasn’t anywhere near as difficult as yours. I suspect it wasn’t deliberately hurtful, just self-absorbed. People were also hugely tactless and insensitive after my miscarriage! I know this will be hard but try to forgive her and put this behind you, because being angry at her will only hurt you in the long run. Try not to retaliate. And add some distance for now. Find trusted friends and family you can confide in, and who can listen and help you with this and the other struggles. Not everyone, even the closest friends, can be the right confidant in this situation.

Wishing you well on your TTC journey. Most people have no idea how tough infertility can be. Sending virtual hugs.

You sound lovely and your "friend" sounds nasty. She may not have deliberately set out to be, but being so inconsiderate and cruel still makes her nasty.

Good luck with your TTC

Send her the link to this thread then stop contact

Shocking. Wouldn’t want her as a friend any more!

I’d only even see her ever again if you have a lot of mutual friends and will need to encounter her at events etc that they organise.

@MarshaBradyo

That is not a nice thing to do. I don’t blame you feeling feeling so upset. It wasn’t what a good friend would do unless they wanted to make you feel awful.

I hope you have better friends around

Omg that's horrendous! Please tell me you called her out on it??

Very insensitive. Perhaps share how it made you feel so that she can pause and reflect. Hopefully she will learn from it x

Everything she said was very nasty and extremely unnecessary. So sorry op but she is no friend'. I'd have nothing to do with her from now on personally. Someone who can deliberately be that rude and upset another person is not the type of person anyone needs as a friend.

Also best of luck to you in the future. (And I don't think 4 months is a long time to be trying so no idea why she would think it is).

Sorry op but you're being too nice to her in thinking that she isn't being nasty. She is being nasty. She's showing her true colours, she's highly selfish and guaranteed, she'll drag you into baby showers, shopping, Facebook posts etc. She doesn't really care about your problems, the only way she 'cares' is that she doesn't want your problems. She doesn't care that you're struggling, she only cares that she didn't.

She’s a bitch

Wow your friend is a spectacular idiot with sawdust for brains

I've been in your shoes. It took years of trying and finally ivf to get our little girl. Unless you've been in those shoes people can't fully understand but there's no excuse for what she did. 4 months trying is nothing. You are amazing for keeping your cool with hers

I would now distance her. Permanently. Through ever stage of pregnancy and then having baby she is going to be utterly tactless. You don't need people like that in your life.

Tell her how you feel and how she's made you feel. Tell her you're happy for her and if she reacts bad please cut her out. She sounds a very thoughtless and rude 'friend'. You have good friends and a supportive family I hope and one day I sincerely hope this happens for you. I've been through lots of ivf to. If you've not been down that road you can't understand. My friends and family never tried to, they were just their for us and supportive. Good luck xxx

I haven't struggled with fertility to the degree you have. I'm still sensitive to other's though.
Saying you have a dog so that's fine is just fucking out of order on another scale.
Dutch the fucker

OP she's not a friend. A true friendship has give and take, the way she didn't consider you at all - that's not true friendship.

I would definitely at the very least step back from her while she's pregnant.

It took me over 6 years to get pregnant with my first child - I had loads of IVF and it never worked. Multiple miscarriages. I hope this gives you hope. I gave up many times, but in the end it happened for me. It's so hard though.

Step back from this friend, and use the time you free up to do something that builds you up. Infertility is hard enough without people that pull you down adding to it all.

YANBU. That was v unfeeling indeed. I would try to distance.

So sorry op. She is a cunt and I would ghost her/run a mile. Fwiw I have secondary infertility(Not the same thing I know) and dealt with people I thought were friends being equally cuntish. I backed away from all of them and never looked back. Best of luck for the future

She’s not your friend. And her thoughtlessness and insensitivity will continue. Don’t do it to yourself - fade her out.

YANBU - I'm so sorry OP, she sounds awful a friend of mine sent me a photo of her IVF drugs saying 'excited!!' the day I found out my second round had failed and I felt murderous. Small considerations make the world of difference!

She’s not your friend.

I can make allowances for insensitivity, but she was actually cruel.

Be kind to yourself OP, I had 8 years of IVF and miscarriages and I can feel the sting of this.

I wish you all the very best

That’s really horrible. Hope you’re ok OP

Basically she said 3 times on the call how wonderful it was that she got pregnant naturally and didn’t need any help to get pregnant - to me who she knows has been told I won’t be able to conceive naturally.

Sounds like she was conscious of not wanting to sound like she takes it for granted, and wants you to know she realises how lucky she is. She guessed at what you might want to hear, and got it wrong.

She kept going on about how tough it was for her being pregnant how tired she was now ill she felt - to me who she knows would give anything to be pregnant.

Sounds like she was conscious of not wanting to sound like she was gloating, and maybe was being honest about feeling sick amd exhausted. She guessed at what you might want to hear, and got it wrong.

She talked about how tough it was she didn’t get pregnant earlier and how she called me to tell me as that’s how she liked to be told when she was ‘struggling’ to get pregnant - so equating her non issues conceiving in 4 months to my trying for years, spending thousands and going through gruelling fertility procedures.

Sounds like she has had someone announce a pregnancy during the time when she was trying, and she was trying to use her admittedly limited and different experience to put herself in your shoes and guess at how you might feel about her announcement. She guessed at what you might want to hear, and got it wrong.

She also said I was fine as I had a dog.

This sounds wildly out of context but you know, there is no shortage of people who like to say their pets are like their kids, and get offended if you suggest otherwise. So maybe she knows a few of these "fur baby" people, and guessed at what you might want to hear, and got it wrong.

I'm not saying she didn't get it wrong; obviously she did. But assuming she's a horrible person trying to devastate you is a leap. She's just not a mind reader and there's no 'right' way to announce a pregnancy to someone suffering infertility. I think you're being unfair, though it's understandable that you reacted as you did.

Oh OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds as if your friend was extremely insensitive but, just to play devil’s advocate, could she have been trying to say the ‘right’ thing and just got it spectacularly wrong? She maybe didn’t want to come across as ungrateful to you of all people so was trying to show you that she knew exactly how fortunate she was to have been able to conceive naturally and so quickly? Then perhaps she wanted to ‘downplay’ being pregnant to you in a misguided attempt to make you feel less envious so was going on about how ill she felt. And perhaps trying to relate to you, saying even she found it difficult those few ‘failed attempts’ so God only knows how you feel. And maybe the dog comment was just trying to be upbeat and positive, using perhaps your own terminology (do you ever call him your ‘baby’?). Maybe she came off the phone and though (oh wtf did I say that for?!). I think if she is your friend and you have no reason to believe she would have been intentionally trying to hurt you then maybe give her the benefit of the doubt that she was just extremely clumsy and perhaps very nervous about telling you that she was pregnant, and just said all the wrong things (whilst trying to say the ‘right’ thing!). Not everyone is good at knowing what to say to people who are going through something difficult. for you OP

@RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling
Cross post - you’ve basically said exactly what I wanted to say but in a much more articulate way!