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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or was friend horrible re pregnancy announcement?

159 replies

Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove · 30/09/2020 12:32

I have been struggling to conceive now for 3 years and have multiple failed rounds of fertility treatment behind me. Obviously in that time lots of my friends and family have gotten pregnant. Most tell me personally and it usually goes ‘well I wanted to tell you I’m pregnant’ me ‘congratulations that’s wonderful when are you due etc’. Later on I would often feel upset it’s not me but I am genuinely happy for my friends. Some of my closest friends also sometimes said ‘ I understand this is hard for you and I hope you will be pregnant soon too’ which is nice of them and I’ve always felt very lucky to have understanding friends.

However last night a good friend rang me to tell me she’s pregnant and I can only describe it as horrible.

Friend had only been trying around 4 months. Basically she said 3 times on the call how wonderful it was that she got pregnant naturally and didn’t need any help to get pregnant - to me who she knows has been told I won’t be able to conceive naturally. She kept going on about how tough it was for her being pregnant how tired she was now ill she felt - to me who she knows would give anything to be pregnant. She talked about how tough it was she didn’t get pregnant earlier and how she called me to tell me as that’s how she liked to be told when she was ‘struggling’ to get pregnant - so equating her non issues conceiving in 4 months to my trying for years, spending thousands and going through gruelling fertility procedures. She also said I was fine as I had a dog.

AIBU or was this just a awful way to tell me. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting. I hung up from the call and cried my eyes out which has never happened me before. She made me feel so worthless.

OP posts:
Lantern156 · 30/09/2020 13:53

She’s a horrible person OP. You don’t have to have someone like that in your life ❤️

ScrapThatThen · 30/09/2020 13:55

She's human, tactless and overcompensating.

mcmooberry · 30/09/2020 13:57

Oh God so awful. She honestly has no idea. So sorry you have been left feeling so down and hope one day soon it will be your turn to share your happy news.

candlles · 30/09/2020 13:59

@nettytree

I was always worried about fertility issues. I have very irregular periods. Sometimes only 1 or 2 a year. Thought I would need ivf. Luckily I didn't and was so happy. Maybe she was worried too about something similar.
You're insensitive too!! What a stupid comment.
Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 30/09/2020 13:59

This woman is not a friend of yours, let alone a "good friend". Your reaction is not strange and if I were you, as others have said, I would distance myself from her.
I do hope you manage to have a baby yourself one day. Good luck. Don't feel bad that she made you feel bad, it's on her.

Emeraldshamrock · 30/09/2020 13:59

Very thoughtless. I'd have said "thanks for the news goodbye for now cunt"
I hope things work out for you soon. x

candlles · 30/09/2020 14:00

[quote Ohtherewearethen]@nettytree - so what if she did think that as you suggest? Do you think that makes it ok to say what she said to OP? Your whole post is slightly insensitive to be honest.[/quote]
Agree!

EL8888 · 30/09/2020 14:03

@Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove thanks for the update and clarity. I had a feeling you hadn’t put the phone down, even though other interpreted you had (you would have been well within your rights by the way). The dog comment was low, no disrespect to your dog but you were trying to conceive a baby

I had a friend like this and it didn’t end well. She knew we had fertility issues, l mentioned l felt a bit low with the fertility issues so had planned some days out and a weekend away to cheer myself up. She says how she would love to go on holiday but can’t as she spends so much money on childcare. Wow just wow. Whatever social plans we had then had to be for convenience “as you can’t be as tired as me, you don’t have children”. “You can’t have lunch after driving for 5 hours, you need to come straight to my house as it’s fits in with naps”. Inviting us on family days out after treatment had failed and wondering why we didn’t want to go

We aren’t friends now and haven’t spoke since the beginning of lockdown. She was a self obsessed arsehole with an attitude problem. I don’t miss her

YessicaHaircut · 30/09/2020 14:03

Oh my goodness, YANBU OP. And I’m so sorry you’re having difficulty conceiving, I have been through it too and it can be incredibly tough at times 💐 Agree with previous posters who have said that only those who have experienced issues with fertility can really understand how it feels. Your friend was extremely insensitive and I wonder if she knows just how upsetting that conversation was for you? I’d be seriously considering taking a massive step back from that friendship. Hope you’re ok and all the best with your journey x

UnionistMum · 30/09/2020 14:09

Dear OP,

You are not worthless.

She is not a good friend.
No real friend would say any of these things she has said to you. From expressing relief at her being able to conceive naturally to saying that having a dog is the same as having a child.
Not kind at all. There is not excuse - hormones or excitement can not be used as such. She knew what she was doing.

I would end the friendship as otherwise you might have to deal with all her comments/ moaning during and post pregnancy.

I would message/ talk to her and let her know how she has made you feel and end the friendship.

Let her know she hurt you.

She doesn’t just get to say all theses horrible things to you, make you feel and not deal with the consequences of her actions.
If she’s truly sorry, she will try to rectify her actions and salvage the friendship.

MrsToothyBitch · 30/09/2020 14:10

I'm so sorry you've been treated this way. I suppose there's a slight chance she had nervous verbal diarrhoea but it seems far more likely that she's a total bitch, given that she managed to inflict almost every possible knife twist on you.

I'd honestly avoid and say I was taking some time to be quiet and use covid as a good excuse not to see her. Either that or say acidly that I was too busy "making memories and having firsts" with the dog.

gypsywater · 30/09/2020 14:11

I would cut the silly bitch off after that. She is no friend I would wish to have.

serialreturner · 30/09/2020 14:12

@Thiswillbeaneverlastinglove

She's horrible. I don't care if she's nervous - if I was you I'd be tempted to set the bloody dog on her.

Been there, OP. Plastered a smile on my face and congratulated them and then went home for a cry in the bath.

She isn't your friend. Distance yourself and keep your head held high.

I tried for 8 years, 5 miscarriages and 4 IVF's. Thankfully we got there in the end but it was hell on earth - I can't imagine how she thinks that it was an appropriate conversation to have.

She's boasting about her superiority in getting pregnant quickly and naturally? She can fuck right off.

x

Rainbowsparklesdust1921 · 30/09/2020 14:19

You're not overreacting at all! I'm so sorry she's upset you so much! It was so thoughtless & mean of her especially knowing your struggles. I'm sending you the biggest hugs 🤗🤗🤗

Thelnebriati · 30/09/2020 14:24

What CatteStreet said. I'm rubbish at personal stuff but even I can't imagine phoning a friend to tell them of my pregnancy and accidentally saying anything about how they'll be ok because they have a dog.

NewMinouMinou · 30/09/2020 14:24

I had sth very similar from someone I thought was a good friend. It was over a place in a private school (so not even 1% as painful as your scenario); her son got in and mine was rejected with the advice to “get him assessed for ADHD and we’ll have another look,”

So, she’s cock-a-hoop and several times started going on and on about it all, about how amazing a chance her son had been given etc etc etc... All with me sitting on the sidelines like a knob, facing the prospect of getting DS diagnosed and medicated (it worked out v well, btw).

It was the sense that she was enjoying twisting the knife that did it for me and we are no longer in contact. Gave her a few chances, but it seemed like she suddenly saw us as inferior.
Balls to that, and balls to your so-called friend.

I will say, though, if you can face it, see her once or twice more to see if it was a one-off nerves thing. If you cut contact now she could spin it as you flouncing and being irrational.

NewMinouMinou · 30/09/2020 14:25

Oh yes, and I hope things work out well for you. Lots of love.

022828MAN · 30/09/2020 14:30

She sounds horrible, I'd be distancing myself massively from someone that thoughtless and inconsiderate.
I'm sorry for your difficulties conceiving OP Flowers

ireallyamthewalrus · 30/09/2020 14:33

You’re not over reacting. She sounds awful and I would either try to explain to her why the way she acted was wrong, or cut her off

Mrsmadevans · 30/09/2020 14:36

She was awful OP , very insensitive and almost bragging , does she have form for this l wonder ? l hope she is fine and has a healthy FT baby but an awful lot can go wrong betwixt cup and lip as the old saying goes.
I am saying this as someone who suffered from 2 miscarriages and 13 years of infertility , good luck OP Flowers

EL8888 · 30/09/2020 14:38

@Mrsmadevans exactly!

Supersimkin2 · 30/09/2020 14:39

With friends like that, who needs enemies.

OP, you've been gracious under the most appalling provocation. You must be one hell of a fine woman.

transformandriseup · 30/09/2020 14:39

That is awful, 4 months is nothing to anyone who has been trying for years Sad

PurpleDaisies · 30/09/2020 14:44

Just adding another vote for she was totally out of order. Flowers

tornadoalley · 30/09/2020 14:45

She sounds horribly insensitive, but pregnancy can make you self absorbed, although it shouldn't cut you off from normal empathy.

I'd say just distance yourself from her but don't block her as it looks like you are being the awkward one then.

Good luck in the future with the treatment