Not to tell DH that DD at uni has Covid?

[Saracen]

Our eldest went off to university a couple of weeks ago and just told me she has tested positive for Covid-19. She feels okay so far, with just cold-type symptoms which she's had for four days. She's in halls and has flatmates who can push food in to her room etc. Of course I wish she hadn't caught it, but I'm not particularly worried about her.

I don't want to tell DH until she has recovered. He worries about this sort of thing. In March when our eldest was still living at home, we (probably wrongly as it turns out) thought she might have CV, and he was beside himself. Our younger teen has a learning disability and was extremely anxious at that time about her sibling, and of course her father's behaviour made her even more frightened. He is quite incapable of keeping secrets from her even at the best of times, so I can't tell him without her finding out.

I asked my older DD's permission to keep it quiet and she agreed. I said I didn't expect her to lie, I just wasn't planning to mention it to DH. But now I am wondering whether this is fair on DH or on her. I don't know whether he'll feel I should have told him. There have been a few times in the past when he's said to me "if you do such-and-such dangerous thing please don't tell me until afterward", but he has never said he didn't want to know if DD was ill.

Plus I've realised it may be tricky for her not to tell him, because it's her birthday in a few days. No doubt we'll skype her to wish her well. He'll be asking her about her plans, whether she's going out, whether she'll celebrate at home with her flatmates, and of course the truth is she's got to stay holed up in her bedroom all alone for some time to come. It isn't so simple to avoid the subject. This may push it from "we won't mention it" to actual deception.

Should I try to keep it quiet?

I can see why you’d want to but I’d be really upset if my DH kept something secret about our DC.

I would try and break it to him gently TBH. He should be able to moderate his reaction, unless he's unwell himself, he's a grown-up.

If your adult daughter wants it kept quiet, then that is what you do. Her health is her business.

I think he would be hurt and upset that you kept this from him, and I know it's highly unlikely, but if your daughter did develop long covid or became seriously ill it will be difficult to explain your reasoning for not telling him in the first place. Trust is important in a relationship, I wouldn't risk breaking it for this

I think it is ridiculous. If he worries, let him worry. Then she'll get better and he'll stop worrying. You are turning a temporary problem into a permanent one by breaking your husband's trust.

Would you be happy to find out your hasn’t been told but he knew?

I get why you don’t want him to worry but at the same time it’s his child and it would be unfair to lie even if it’s lying by excluding information

She's an adult. It's up to her to tell him if she wants to, not you. If he finds out and is upset, tell him the truth, that his immature reactions make a difficult situation worse for the rest of his family.

I’d definitely be sharing this with him.

Today 09:37 LeaveMyDamnJam

If your adult daughter wants it kept quiet, then that is what you do. Her health is her business.

This. It is her health and if she doesn’t want her dad to know, this should be respected.

As an aside it used to really upset me when my mum would tell my dad things I specifically asked her not to as she thought he had a right to know. I didn’t have a supportive relationship with my dad and didn’t want him knowing about my medical details. I eventually stopped trusting her and it was only when I did this that she realised it wasn’t her responsibility to tell him this information.

What does DD want to do - that's the main question. And without prompting from you.

It sounds like your DH needs to buckle up too, he's a grown man, why can't he hold his own water??

Rather than not tell him at all, can you just delay telling him for a few days. It sounds like she has it very mildly, so hopefully in a few days she will have recovered completely, and you can tell him she did have it, but is fine now, which surely will prevent any panic?

It's up to DD, yes it was unfair of you to say she shouldn't be telling her dad

I’d be really upset if my husband kept something like this from me. I understand where you’re coming from but he’s her dad. If she doesn’t want to tell him then that’s fine but if it’s you that doesn’t want to tell him then I don’t think that fair

If your adult daughter wants it kept quiet, then that is what you do. Her health is her business. It wasn’t the adult DD who didn’t want him to know though, OP said in her OP that she’d convinced DD that they shouldn’t tell him.

TBH yes, I think you are unreasonable. How would you feel if it had been him she’d told and he’d unilaterally decided that you shouldn’t know, and then convinced your DD that you shouldn’t know?

And what if she does get ill, or suffers long-term side effects and he finds out you knew all along?

I have some serious health problems and while I sometimes haven’t told my family things e.g. if I’ve not been feeling well because they worry, if I told one parent I would never in a million years expect them not to tell the other. And my health problems are such that I have ended up in ICU on life support at short notice. Let’s say I’d told my mum I was ringing an ambulance and didn’t want my dad to know, do people really think that the wish for one parent not to know should e.g. trump that one parent’s right not to be there at the end?

I know that’s an extreme example but thing is that COVID is unknown, and while in most cases people are fine in the end, in many they’re not, and no-one actually knows which ones those will be, until those people get sick.

YANBU - I am waiting on results of a test, if it's positive, I won't be telling my parents as they will worry.

There is nothing anyone can do to help, obviously if her symptoms become more serious that changes things.

No, I wouldn't tell him either.

My Mum is a shocking worrier and if you haven't had to deal with someone like that you just can't imagine what it's like. If I know something will cause her anxiety then I don't tell her.

I wouldn't tell him. He sounds like he'd cause you (and your other DD,) additional stress.
If he complains after the fact, remind him that it was his behaviour first time around that led to this.

With this for me it's always a how would you feel if the situation was reversed? If your husband told one of the kids to keep an illness from you- would you be upset? For me it should be mentioned to her dad, that's she sick. I'd be seriously miffed if my partner kept a child's illness from me.

@FraggleRocker1

Today 09:37 LeaveMyDamnJam

If your adult daughter wants it kept quiet, then that is what you do. Her health is her business.

This. It is her health and if she doesn’t want her dad to know, this should be respected.

As an aside it used to really upset me when my mum would tell my dad things I specifically asked her not to as she thought he had a right to know. I didn’t have a supportive relationship with my dad and didn’t want him knowing about my medical details. I eventually stopped trusting her and it was only when I did this that she realised it wasn’t her responsibility to tell him this information.

But it is the mother who has asked her daughter not to tell him!

@LeaveMyDamnJam

If your adult daughter wants it kept quiet, then that is what you do. Her health is her business.
Did you even read the post? It is the OP who doesn't want to tell her husband. She has then asked her DD for permission not to tell him. There is nothing in the post that says the DD doesn't want to divulge details of her health to her father.

Tricky one but to be honest I think he needs to know. I would be really pissed off if my DS's dad kept information like this to himself. She will be better soon then maybe your DH will realise it isn't always bad and it may ease his worrying if he is anxious about the covid situation.

Tell him, tell him he must not stress out your other child and that if he is going to worry, he has to find a way to cope with it which is not detrimental to other people in the house.

I was all set to say of course you should tell him until you explained.

I wouldn’t tell him.

Not fair to your other daughter if he gets her panicked.

If and when it comes out I would say you didn’t tell him as he overreacts and you didn’t want your other dd worried.

Is it a bit unfair on dd that she cant tell him now? Maybe she is worried and would also like him to be worried for her?

Any kind of dishonesty is a dealbreaker for us, so I would absolutely be telling dh.

Your dd is completely fine, so tell him that!

If you start lying about this, he will wonder what else is going on that you haven't told him, it will undermine your marriage.

Trust is huge. Your child has covid, her father should know - I would be absolutely furious if my dh kept a secret like this.

So long as she doesn't get worse, I think I'd keep quiet if I were in your place and tell him when you're sure she's fully recovered. There is simply no need for you to have to deal with the unnecessary stress of your husband being "beside himself" and, most materially, there is no need for him to be upsetting your younger child again.

So far as the birthday is concerned, maybe your daughter can simply explain that, with all the precautions, unfortunately there isn't a lot she can do to celebrate her birthday and that that's been put off till things have calmed down?