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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to tell DH that DD at uni has Covid?

158 replies

Saracen · 30/09/2020 09:34

Our eldest went off to university a couple of weeks ago and just told me she has tested positive for Covid-19. She feels okay so far, with just cold-type symptoms which she's had for four days. She's in halls and has flatmates who can push food in to her room etc. Of course I wish she hadn't caught it, but I'm not particularly worried about her.

I don't want to tell DH until she has recovered. He worries about this sort of thing. In March when our eldest was still living at home, we (probably wrongly as it turns out) thought she might have CV, and he was beside himself. Our younger teen has a learning disability and was extremely anxious at that time about her sibling, and of course her father's behaviour made her even more frightened. He is quite incapable of keeping secrets from her even at the best of times, so I can't tell him without her finding out.

I asked my older DD's permission to keep it quiet and she agreed. I said I didn't expect her to lie, I just wasn't planning to mention it to DH. But now I am wondering whether this is fair on DH or on her. I don't know whether he'll feel I should have told him. There have been a few times in the past when he's said to me "if you do such-and-such dangerous thing please don't tell me until afterward", but he has never said he didn't want to know if DD was ill.

Plus I've realised it may be tricky for her not to tell him, because it's her birthday in a few days. No doubt we'll skype her to wish her well. He'll be asking her about her plans, whether she's going out, whether she'll celebrate at home with her flatmates, and of course the truth is she's got to stay holed up in her bedroom all alone for some time to come. It isn't so simple to avoid the subject. This may push it from "we won't mention it" to actual deception.

Should I try to keep it quiet?

OP posts:

Dietbet · 30/09/2020 10:18

Tricky. Could you bend the truth and say she had a test because a friend tested positive but she doesn’t have any symptoms? That would explain the lack of birthday celebrations and leave the door open if she did get any worse.
I understand as my husband is a terrible worrier. There are plenty of drs appointments he hasn’t needed to know about until afterwards!

TheTeenageYears · 30/09/2020 10:18

If DD had said "please don't tell Dad" that would have been an entirely different scenario but you telling her not to tell him is different. What happens if, god forbid, she doesn't stay well with it, how is he going to take it if you have to tell him she's seriously ill, you knew she had it and told her not to tell him? Which are you most concerned about @Saracen, that DH will worry or that his actions when he knows will set of a chain reaction in younger DC? He is an adult and should be able to behave appropriately. If it's not in your younger DC's best interests to know then he should be able to control himself enough in order for her to not find out. If he can't he really needs to seek help.

Notverygrownup · 30/09/2020 10:19

I think that you/she should tell him, but if she does so in a couple of days time, she will be able to calmly reassure him that she has already had almost a week of it, and still feels fine. She/you can honestly say that it's under control/working out well/she's being well looked after and looking forward to getting out and about again very soon.

wildcherries · 30/09/2020 10:19

I don't think it's fair not to tell him. If it were me, I would see it as a breach of trust in the relationship. Plus, you've put your daughter in a really awkward position. It's her decision whether to tell him, yes. But you've effectively taken that choice away from her. It's not great.

DeliciouslyFemale · 30/09/2020 10:20

He needs to stop stressing out your younger daughter because HE feels the need to share. That’s incredibly selfish behaviour. I get stressed to the point of nausea, but I don’t inflict that on my children, including telling them my worries. That’s selfish.

Rubyroost · 30/09/2020 10:20

No. This is not the same I know. But my brother tried to protect me from worrying, apparently there was nothing wrong with my mum. She died later in hospital from untreatable and advanced cancer. If I'd have got there earlier I could have had a proper conversation with her. She told my uncle in a confused state that she didn't want anyone to know she was in hospital and so he didn't tell anyone. Told my brother not to worry, mum was okay and not to worry me.

Frostiesfortea · 30/09/2020 10:21

I wouldn’t tell him if he’s going to overreact. As you’ve said she’s fine. Nothing to tell.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 30/09/2020 10:21

I'd keep it quiet for a couple of days at least, then if you do decide or need to tell him, she can say she's had symptoms for a few days and it's not getting any worse, should be over in 5 days (or whenever her 10 days from symptom onset are up) which would be reassuring. It would also reduce the amount of time you have to live with him fretting as he will presumably stop once she is feeling better and/or out of the 10 days isolation.

My DH has massive anxiety about health and would be very hard to live with in this situation. It does impact other children. He has asked not to be told about things that will worry him and that he cannot act upon (eg emails saying a kid at nursery has gone for a test). Presumably, he trusts me to tell him if there is something he does need to know. Sounds like your DH has a similar attitude to managing his own anxiety and at least delaying telling him would be best all round, and quite possibly what he would want.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 30/09/2020 10:23

OP, I think you are wrong not to tell your DH. He will never develop his character if you spend time shielding him from everything that might bother him. He needs to develop his resilience. He is not a child.

Be more gentle in how you tell him and your younger teen the news but they need to know. Possibly start with "She (dd's name) is okay and just feels like she has a cold, but DD does have Covid." Then go on to focus on the support she is getting. Your DH has a responsibility not to exhibit his anxieties in front of your younger teen and maybe you need to remind him of that. Perhaps tell him first, in private, and agree on how to tell your teen in as casual a way as possible.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 30/09/2020 10:23

I think he has a huge problem if he can't even keep a secret from you youngest daughter when he knows how much distress it will cause her.
Quite frankly, he needs to get a grip, what he does is very selfish, even if he can't help himself.
I would tell him but also tell him very strongly he must not create such a fuss as he usually does and to think of the detrimental affect it will have on your daughter if he does.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 30/09/2020 10:25

By the way, I think some people who are saying 'just tell him, he should be able to keep it from DC2' haven't experienced what it is like to live with someone in an anxiety spiral, especially when there are children at home. Even if my DH tried to stay quiet about his anxiety, he goes silent, tense and snappy and is very very hard to be around. If your DH is like that, and has asked on other occasions not to be told about things - that's a valid way of managing the situation in everyone's best interests.

MotherOfCrocodiles · 30/09/2020 10:27

Guys, health anxiety is a mental health disorder, telling someone to just 'get a grip' is like telling someone with depression to 'just buck up'. If they could they would!

Original poster

Saracen · 30/09/2020 10:29

Thanks, it sounds like most people think the dishonesty would be a big problem but a few wouldn't tell him.

To clarify about my daughter's preference: she'd rather her dad knew, but she doesn't feel strongly about it. I'm the one who's inclined to keep it quiet. She made sure her sister was out of the room before telling me and I'm sure she'd be okay with me choosing to keep it from her sister.

OP posts:

MoonJelly · 30/09/2020 10:30

Which are you most concerned about @Saracen, that DH will worry or that his actions when he knows will set of a chain reaction in younger DC? He is an adult and should be able to behave appropriately. If it's not in your younger DC's best interests to know then he should be able to control himself enough in order for her to not find out. If he can't he really needs to seek help.

It's all very well to say what OP's DH should do and how he should react, but the fact is that she knows from previous experience that he isn't able to control his reaction and the simple fact is that, with an actual diagnosis and his daughter being away at university, that reaction is likely to be even more over the top and upset the younger child even more. Sure, he needs help to control his reactions but that doesn't assist OP in the current situation.

As he's said before that he doesn't want to know about potentially worrying things till they are out of the way, I think you effectively have permission not to worry him about this one.

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 30/09/2020 10:31

@Notverygrownup

Was going to say this. And I hope he can hold it together in front of your youngest.

LUZON · 30/09/2020 10:32

It’s up to your daughter but I’d be on the side of keeping quiet. My son and didn’t tell my husband about quite a big health issue he was having. My husband is a real worrier and fusses a lot. My son wanted to not have to worry about his Dad. I’d do the same again.

pudcat · 30/09/2020 10:32

Depends also if you and DH had any contact with your DD while ahe was incubating the virus.

TOFO1965 · 30/09/2020 10:33

I’d keep schtum and tell him when she’s fully recovered.

museumum · 30/09/2020 10:33

I think your daughter should tell him via video call so he can see that she's actually not terribly ill at all.
He deserves to know but he's also an adult and needs to get a grip - if sharing the news with his other daughter with LD is going to damage the sibling then ffs he needs to be able to keep it to the three of you.

Sirzy · 30/09/2020 10:33

She wants her dad to know.

I don’t think hiding things from people due to their anxiety helps, infact I think it risks making it much worse. I also don’t think giving the message to any of your children than worrying and showing that is wrong helps anyone.

Especially at the moment being scared and worried is normal and we shouldn’t be making that seem abnormal.

seayork2020 · 30/09/2020 10:34

If on her own with no input from you wanted to keep it secret then that is up to her.

So as you convinced her, I believe, then that is bad.

If your husbamd knew and convenienced your daughter to keep in from you this place would explode from the controlling-ness of it.

Xenia · 30/09/2020 10:34

You are not allowed by law to tell her father without her consent otherwise you breach GDPR/ DPA 2018 and this is special category (health) data so a serious breach if you do tell him.

Xenia · 30/09/2020 10:35

My mother told me she had empheseyma and to keep it quiet which I did for at least a year or two as she wanted no one else to know. I think she realised I was less likely to make a fuss over it so I think it is quite common for people in families to decide who they want to know things like this.

Sparklesocks · 30/09/2020 10:36

I would be really upset if my DP hid something like this about our child.

Antimacassar · 30/09/2020 10:37

@NoraEphronsneck

YANBU - I am waiting on results of a test, if it's positive, I won't be telling my parents as they will worry.

There is nothing anyone can do to help, obviously if her symptoms become more serious that changes things.

But that's your own decision, @NoraEphronsneck -- would you not feel entirely differently if someone persuaded you not to tell someone else on the grounds that they would worry, and which would put you in the situation of lying by omission to them on a Skype birthday call?

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