Not to tell DH that DD at uni has Covid?

[Saracen]

Our eldest went off to university a couple of weeks ago and just told me she has tested positive for Covid-19. She feels okay so far, with just cold-type symptoms which she's had for four days. She's in halls and has flatmates who can push food in to her room etc. Of course I wish she hadn't caught it, but I'm not particularly worried about her.

I don't want to tell DH until she has recovered. He worries about this sort of thing. In March when our eldest was still living at home, we (probably wrongly as it turns out) thought she might have CV, and he was beside himself. Our younger teen has a learning disability and was extremely anxious at that time about her sibling, and of course her father's behaviour made her even more frightened. He is quite incapable of keeping secrets from her even at the best of times, so I can't tell him without her finding out.

I asked my older DD's permission to keep it quiet and she agreed. I said I didn't expect her to lie, I just wasn't planning to mention it to DH. But now I am wondering whether this is fair on DH or on her. I don't know whether he'll feel I should have told him. There have been a few times in the past when he's said to me "if you do such-and-such dangerous thing please don't tell me until afterward", but he has never said he didn't want to know if DD was ill.

Plus I've realised it may be tricky for her not to tell him, because it's her birthday in a few days. No doubt we'll skype her to wish her well. He'll be asking her about her plans, whether she's going out, whether she'll celebrate at home with her flatmates, and of course the truth is she's got to stay holed up in her bedroom all alone for some time to come. It isn't so simple to avoid the subject. This may push it from "we won't mention it" to actual deception.

Should I try to keep it quiet?

*your reasoning

I wouldn’t tell him. No point him worrying when there is nothing he can do (or needs to do)

Struggling to understand why she told you to be honest. In that situation my Mum would worry but telling her would be pointless as there is nothing she can do.

I would tell her after the event (next week, when she is better and just has a few days left to isolate) or if I ended up in hospital. Just telling someone you have a sniffle and have to stay home for two weeks achieved nothing apart from stressing people out on your behalf.

@Fluffalo

It's up to DD, yes it was unfair of you to say she shouldn't be telling her dad

Agree. Your daughter shouldn't be having to consider/pander to her Dad's reactions to this extent. You shouldn't have to mediate their relationship to this extent. He will just have to manage.

@Xenia

You are not allowed by law to tell her father without her consent otherwise you breach GDPR/ DPA 2018 and this is special category (health) data so a serious breach if you do tell him.

Aye.

Because she's totes going to sue the shite out her mum, isn't she?

🥜

@Murmurur

Getting covid is big news even when you experience it mildly. It's not fair on DD or DH to lie about it by omission.

Also, although the chances that she will need to be hospitalised are very small, unfortunately they are not zero. Tell him now, for her sake so she has the extra support and for his so there is no huge shock coming if she does need to be admitted. Worrying about your children is part of loving them.

“Big news” lol

I told my wife. No one else needed or would have wanted to know.

Are parents data controllers now? Ooooookay.

Anyway. Your older daughter is probably quite anxious about being ill and I think she's entitled to have the support of both of you if she wants it. I don't think it's fair to ask her to keep her actual illness quiet and go without the support she'd like to have, in order to protect your DH and/or your younger daughter from worrying about her being ill, which is basically what you're proposing.

I see why your younger daughter's additional needs make you worried but I think you need to be quite firm with your husband about how he approaches it with her and think about strategies you can use to mitigate her anxiety, rather than cutting off your older daughter's avenues of support.

I think he needs to know. I understand he worries etc, but honestly, you can't just keep things from him - he needs to be able to deal with them.

If he worries that much that you're considering not telling him, perhaps he has issues with anxiety that actually need to be treated - maybe the problem here isn't your daughter's covid at all!

It is a worrying time, and 'covid' is such an emotive thing at the moment. Would you tell him if she had a cold? For the vast majority of people, covid will be no more serious than that - certainly in young people. You say she's had symptoms for 4 days now, and they still sound mild, so I think it's safe to tell him.

My parents are worriers too, and when they found out I had it - and it was mild - they were actually relieved, as I shouldn't (in theory) get it again, at least for a while, so they could stop worrying about me being out and about, as staying at home wasn't an option.

Tell him, but make sure you put emphasis on the fact that she's fine.

@Threeisnotacrowd a father (or mother) deserves to know if their child has CV, especially if the child herself wants her dad to know.Your example about telling your wife only is irrelevant.

@Xenia

You are not allowed by law to tell her father without her consent otherwise you breach GDPR/ DPA 2018 and this is special category (health) data so a serious breach if you do tell him.

If someone in a professional capacity shared such information, then there would be issues - although I am sure that you are aware of the possible lawful reasons for sharing data.

But on lighter note - do parents need to have data sharing agreements? Do they have to do data impact assessments?
What about a privacy notice?
Do I need to tell DS how I use his data?

Or has one of us just made an embarrassing mistake?

I would be effing fuming not to be told.

Would you like it if your daughter and DH ganged up on you in this way?

I would delay telling him until the night before her birthday. By then she would hopefully be in the mend and didn’t have to lie on her birthday.

I don't think it's about her husband needing to know or having a right to know. I think it's about what her daughter, who is the person who actually has a disease that rightly or wrongly everyone is very worried about at the moment, wants.

I don’t get it. She’s not seriously ill or been admitted to hospital. You say herself she is fine with cold sunrooms. I know it’s not the same but if she did only have a cold, would you tell him?

I wouldn’t say anything....not because of him but for the younger sibling,

What a weird family dynamic. Of course you tell her dad she has covid, you also point out she has mild symptoms and is fine.

Who does the GDPR apply to?

The GDPR applies to ‘controllers’ and ‘processors’.
A controller determines the purposes and means of processing personal data.
A processor is responsible for processing personal data on behalf of a controller.
If you are a processor, the GDPR places specific legal obligations on you; for example, you are required to maintain records of personal data and processing activities. You will have legal liability if you are responsible for a breach.

However, if you are a controller, you are not relieved of your obligations where a processor is involved – the GDPR places further obligations on you to ensure your contracts with processors comply with the GDPR.

The GDPR applies to processing carried out by organisations operating within the EU. It also applies to organisations outside the EU that offer goods or services to individuals in the EU.

The GDPR does not apply to certain activities including processing covered by the Law Enforcement Directive, processing for national security purposes and processing carried out by individuals purely for personal/household activities

I can see where you’re coming from but I think your DH needs to grow up and manage his anxieties correctly. Your DD should not be forced into lying because he’s a dick.

I can’t imagine being married to such a pathetic, unsupportive and spineless man.

Ultimately your dd doesn’t want her sister to know. You are managing this in the best way you can by not telling her father. That is what I wouod be telling your dh once your dd has recovered.

It's weird not to tell her dad who, I assume, lives with you. It wouldn't be weird to keep, say, info about a termination from her dad.
But if that's how your family rolls, that's how your family rolls. Just hope it is a minor health issue and she doesn't spread it.

Unless your dh has a serious mental health disorder/is unstable as a caveat, then I don't think it is morally right to withhold such important information from him.

Normally I would say it’s wrong to keep something from a partner, especially when it comes to children but in your circumstances you know your partner and know what’s best.

We have a family member who doesn’t cope well with news, even down to the kids having a sickness bug so we don’t tell her as all her worry and sleeplessness due to it doesn’t help anyone or anything.

I think you should tell him. I would be furious if my DH kept something like this from me.

Does HE have any mental health problems or disabilities that make him react in an extreme way?

We all worry and I guess he's a grown adult and perhaps should deal with this.

He also needs to protect his vulnerable younger child & not get them worked up!

@AlwaysCheddar
Agreed, how do ppl tolerate living with flapping unreasonable twats, whipping the whole house into a state, I couldn’t put up
with that.

Dont tell your child not to tell him, her decision. She can tell on the birthday call if she wishes.