Not to tell DH that DD at uni has Covid?

[Saracen]

Our eldest went off to university a couple of weeks ago and just told me she has tested positive for Covid-19. She feels okay so far, with just cold-type symptoms which she's had for four days. She's in halls and has flatmates who can push food in to her room etc. Of course I wish she hadn't caught it, but I'm not particularly worried about her.

I don't want to tell DH until she has recovered. He worries about this sort of thing. In March when our eldest was still living at home, we (probably wrongly as it turns out) thought she might have CV, and he was beside himself. Our younger teen has a learning disability and was extremely anxious at that time about her sibling, and of course her father's behaviour made her even more frightened. He is quite incapable of keeping secrets from her even at the best of times, so I can't tell him without her finding out.

I asked my older DD's permission to keep it quiet and she agreed. I said I didn't expect her to lie, I just wasn't planning to mention it to DH. But now I am wondering whether this is fair on DH or on her. I don't know whether he'll feel I should have told him. There have been a few times in the past when he's said to me "if you do such-and-such dangerous thing please don't tell me until afterward", but he has never said he didn't want to know if DD was ill.

Plus I've realised it may be tricky for her not to tell him, because it's her birthday in a few days. No doubt we'll skype her to wish her well. He'll be asking her about her plans, whether she's going out, whether she'll celebrate at home with her flatmates, and of course the truth is she's got to stay holed up in her bedroom all alone for some time to come. It isn't so simple to avoid the subject. This may push it from "we won't mention it" to actual deception.

Should I try to keep it quiet?

[quote SBTLove]@AlwaysCheddar
Agreed, how do ppl tolerate living with flapping unreasonable twats, whipping the whole house into a state, I couldn’t put up
with that.[/quote]
Exactly

It’s selfish.

We all get worried but we are adults and we deal with that worry so as not to add burden to others.

If you choose to behave as this sod does, then it’s just selfish.

Mental illness aside obviously

@Xenia

What type of lawyer did you say you were? 😂😂

It seems he suffers from anxiety. Since your DD is fine, I'd not tell your DH for now. If she skypes, she can say it casually and say that she is fine.

Although your intentions are good, I think it infantilises him

How long before Xenia starts telling us about returning to work after two children and how she sent her 5 children to private school.

3,2,1....

At first I read this as your daughter doesn't want him told and felt quite torn but agreed with other posters that she does have a right to decide. My main take was, if she doesn't trust him to be able to put himself and his reactions second, then that's a bit of a parenting fail, isn't it?

Then I read it again and realised keeping it secret was your idea, that she would on the whole prefer him to know but that this would make life difficult in your home. What message are you sending her here???

You think she doesn't care much either way- would she feel confident to tell you if she did? Do you often give the signals that she is responsible for her dad's mental wellbeing? What if she did feel worse- knowing how much you worry about the upheaval, would she actually feel confident to ring her dad and tell him, knowing that this is likely to cause a shitshow and upset you? Might she not feel it is better to soldier on and not upsetting the apple cart? That her needs for support don't come first?

@Afibtomyboy
Oh I forgot the wonder that is Xenia and her talking in Mandarin 4week old child.

It's in the news so much, so many universtities have Covid-19, that it won't exactly be a shock or surprise to him. I'd tell him, and reassure him. Let him skype her to see she is okay.

We do have mental health issues in the family, but we also have a clear understanding that everybody is likely to need support at one time or another and that some family members can't be left out in the cold unable to ask for support just because some family members are down on the vulnerable list.

If he has anxiety, then he has to have a plan for how he tackles his anxiety in different scenarios, what he does to distract himself, what things he must say so as not to say the things he shouldn't. He is an adult and needs to take responsibility.

Gosh, how bad would his reaction be, exactly? Why can’t he control himself around your younger DD?

@katy1213

She's an adult. It's up to her to tell him if she wants to, not you. If he finds out and is upset, tell him the truth, that his immature reactions make a difficult situation worse for the rest of his family.

This.

It should be for her to tell him if she wants to. There are plenty of responses that could be given on her birthday that do not infer that she has Covid 19. For example 'we're not doing celebrations at all after what happened at xx university'.

if I were OP, I doubt that I would volunteer the info.

DD smokes tobacco sometimes... I mention that because I have not told DH. He would be horrified and very upset. I've told DD I won't lie for her but I won't volunteer it to her dad, either.

Also not sure why it's such big news, given that the DD is not particularly unwell. Or do I have inform my XH every time the DC have a cold? I'd tell him if they were hospitalised, but nothing more than that - and in the case of the adult DC, only if they wanted me to.

I read the DD's feelings here as she has a mild preference, all other things being equal, but isn't that fussed about whether anyone tells her dad or not.

It's Covid, not septicaemia.

Honesty is always the best policy.

Your daughter has told you she’s contracted Covid.
Was there a reason she didn’t also tell her Dad? Or was she just expecting you’d tell him?

Either way, if your husband is a natural worrier, he’ll worry regardless whether she has it, or hasn’t, so may as well tell him.

He’s possibly going to ask daughter if there’s any Covid cases at her university anyway considering all the news coverage, so it’s unfair to put her in the awkward position of lying to him.

Your other daughter, it’s just one of many life lessons she’ll have to learn to live with. Covid is here for a long time yet.

I think you should tell him. My Dd18 had Covid and was initially totally symptomless (she was Living away from us at the time). One night, the illness took a turn for the worse and she woke up breathless, blue lips and was blue lighted to A&E with very low sats. Lung X-ray showed Classic Covid ground glass damage to the lower lungs. What a shock it was for us to get that call from hospital acute respiratory unit!
If she knows, he’s her Dad - tell him. You cannot swaddle adults from everything and you might heighten his anxiety more permanently if you do so.

@Nenevalleysigns

Honesty is always the best policy

It is, when you're dealing with reasonable people.

It’s Covid, not septicaemia
Very naive remark. This is causing long term complications even in the young and healthy.

@Serengetiqueen

It’s Covid, not septicaemia Very naive remark. This is causing long term complications even in the young and healthy.

It is, in a very, very small number of cases. There are far worse viruses which are pretty much a death sentence, or would leave people with life-changing complications. That was my point.

If you do tell him - downside risk, he worries. But you can tell him that he can trust you that you are always honest with him about the big stuff (and catching covid is big, even if the likelihood is that your DD is going to be fine).

Also, you can tell him in private and say you are worried about younger sibling finding out like last time, and can we work together please to protect younger sibling.

If you don't tell him and he finds out - he won't trust you, and will always be wondering if you're covering stuff up from him.

If I were OP, I doubt that I would volunteer the info.

DD smokes tobacco sometimes... I mention that because I have not told DH. He would be horrified and very upset. I've told DD I won't lie for her but I won't volunteer it to her dad, either.

The dd has not asked the OP to conceal something from her dad: it is the OP who has asked the dd to conceal her state of health.

Rather different, don't you think?

To answer a few questions:

She hasn't been in contact with us for 2.5 weeks and has just tested positive, so there's no chance she could have passed it to us.

The reason she told me and not her dad was mainly because he wasn't home when she called. Her schedule and his don't overlap well, so she doesn't have as many opportunities to talk to him. I also think she was expecting I would break the news gently to him, and that I would decide whether or not to tell her little sister at all and if so how to present it to her.

How would I feel if our situations were reversed? I honestly don't know. I'm not a worrier, so I have trouble putting myself in the shoes of someone who feels irrational anxiety. I know there are a few times in my life when I wish someone had kept something from me, but the situations are different. For example, I wish I hadn't been told that my cat suffered terribly in her final hours. And on the other hand I do regret that my grandparents told no one that my granny was terminally ill. But the current situation isn't like either of those.

Thanks for all your input! Still undecided.

Some people just cannot cope with things like Covid and imagine the very worse scenario will occur despite the vast amount of evidence otherwise. Follow what your daughter suggests.

One thing that Covid has shown is how people can really work themselves up to worst case scenario even where fit, healthy and young people are concerned.

I guess it’s your daughters decision as an adult who she chooses to tell.
But I’d be gutted if my husband knew something like this and decided not to tell me and asked our daughter to do the same.

Don’t tell your DH on this occasion it’s not like your assuming his reaction. It’s not fair to upset your other DD because he will also make her even more anxious.

It’s not good to know everything.