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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For speaking up to neighbour

159 replies

Wibblywobbly40 · 30/09/2020 07:00

Sorry long post

This is more of was I being unreasonable or not

I have lived in my new house since just before lockdown. I have got along with my neighbours really well and I love living here but I have one gripe that makes me question things before I do them.

Across the road opposite me a neighbour literally knows or thinks they know everything about everyone, during lockdown I stayed in the majority of the time unless I really really needed to go to the shop and couldn't wait for a delivery but majority of the time I would have things delivered this included takeaways sometimes twice a week and a couple of comments were made about it to me from this neighbour, they were jokey comments or so I thought so let it go.

Fast forward to being able to go out a bit more freely wearing a mask etc, I started to notice the comments more frequently coming but not about getting deliveries but even when I left the house getting a running commentary on how long I had been what time I left and which way I went (this is not an exaggeration) to the point I was getting phone calls from her daughter (who I have known for many years) to ask if I was back home because her mum said she hadn't seen me go back in and I was out a while.

This came up again yesterday when she asked why I had been out the house so long when we are in local lockdown, I had been to an appointment which could not have waited any longer but instead of explaining myself I lost my temper and said it was none of her business what I do in and out of my own house and she should stop watching my every move, if I want to get takeaways for breakfast lunch and dinner that is none of hers or anyone's business or if I want to spend money on having things delivered to my house again is none of anyone's business. I blew because I felt like a prisoner in my own home being let out on supervised day release everytime I went out.

I feel bad now for blowing the way I did and I know she was not happy

AIBU - I shouldn't have blew up

YANBU - she should be told to mind her own business

OP posts:

OlympicProcrastinator · 30/09/2020 11:43

I had similar with a next door neighbour. The first time I replied with “oooh I haven’t had anyone ask me where I’ve been since my mum during my teens! You’ve made me feel young thanks” then threw my head back and laughed.

Second time I had just come out of hospital and was shuffling in. He asked me where I’d been for the past few days and what was wrong (I didn’t know him other than to say hi to.) I just narrowed my eyes and said, “well I could tell you Colin, but then I’d have to kill you and neither of us would want that now would we?”

This time I neither laughed or smiled. He never asked again.

Anyhoo’s YANBU.

Georgyporky · 30/09/2020 11:43

My mother was always a bit nosey, but got markedly worse when she developed dementia. She stood by her window and wrote down everything that she saw!

I'm not saying this is the case - it's just a thought.

GabsAlot · 30/09/2020 11:47

dont apologise thats so intrusive and tell the daughter not to ring you concnerning where youve been youre finding it too much

if noone says anything to her abo9ut it she'll just carry on

cctvrec · 30/09/2020 11:48

@Ponoka7

She's obviously got mh stuff going on, this isn't normal. She won't change or stop, it's about you now not accepting her comments and telling her straight. You don't have to be nasty, or get to a point were you blow again. But you can tell her that you don't want to know.

Why does MN always go for "Mental health" as an explanation?

Maybe she's just a busybody. - nosey shitebag.
My PIL's could tell you exactly what's going on in every house within sight of their living room. Who's just had a sofa delivered and how it's terrible because "she only had one delivered a couple of years ago!" Or "him across the road who's had three deliveries already today" or maybe the young couple who are expecting because they saw someone go in with a car seat.

ekidmxcl · 30/09/2020 11:53

I don't know what posesses people like this. We have a couple round the corner who do this (unfortunately I am near the corner!).

They systematically piss off every person who lives here, going back 20+ years. Watch every move, intrustive, judgemental etc. The problem is nobody in their family talks to them because they are utterly horrible and that's obvisouly why the entire family on both sides cut them off. They are elderly (but not ill or struggling) so they don't have jobs to keep them busy and they occupy themselves sucking any joy out of people surrounding them. They must have a hotline to the council, the number of made up bullshit things they complain about. The council man they sent round to me for some made up infringement said to me "what I am here for, there is no problem" and I said - they just like complaining! So it was immediately signed off as fine. They called the police on another neighbour for having a birthday party (before covid!), again police utterly perplexed, not wild/noisy/antisocial in any way.

They started on at me in the street about something quite random and luckily for me, a neighbour who had previously had a lot of problems with them had a window open, heard them going at me and came out to tell them to leave me alone. He then spoke to them again and they haven't bothered me since. I was too gutless to be firm with them (I wouldn't be now though, having had enough of awful people).

Your best strategy is to ignore this woman. I would inform her daughter that her mother's monitoring of your movements is absolutely intrusive and antisocial and it must stop. Preferably by text so you can screenshot and print out to keep for the future in case you have to get the police to ask this woman to stop harassing you.

AdoraBell · 30/09/2020 11:54

YANBU.

Sounds like one of my neighbours. She stopped DD2 to complain about the school having work done because DD2 was in school uniform, so she knew that DD attended that school.

Then stopped DD2 to demand her name because she wants to write DH. Myself and DC have double barrel name because I kept my name. Neighbour told DD she isn’t her father’s daughter because her name is different. She is really horrible and thinks she’s wonderful

OP in your case I would say something like- I’m popping off to MI6/CIA/North Korea contact, can I just check the spelling of your name please?

Original poster

Wibblywobbly40 · 30/09/2020 12:05

Hahaha some of your replies are so funny I can't quote them all and if I can, I actually don't know how to do it

My DH absolutely dispises it whenever we go out as a family or anything she comes to the door to see which way the car will go

Unfortunately my front door and back gate are both in view on her living room window it's a side gate so I won't be able to fool her that way.

The disguise thing is funny I would love to do that but that would probably prompt more messages or phone calls.

The getting my DH friends is a good one I will remember that one for when we come out of local lockdown.

OP posts:

Bawbags · 30/09/2020 12:16

I'm inadvertently a nosy neighbour. My living room window is pretty much the whole front wall and any noises of opening doors or the gates of mine and neighbour's gardens opening can be heard easily so I can see and hear when anyone is coming and going all day long because my attention is drawn to it.

Do I report back and comment on their comings and going's? Hell no. I do mention to DH when the adult DS goes to the shop though so I can relax knowing they're not going to ask me to go for them to save them walking the 350metres to the nearest one! (I've been saying no, I'm not their damn mum. Sorry if I have a car and they don't. Not my problem)

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/09/2020 12:43

The disguise thing is funny I would love to do that but that would probably prompt more messages or phone calls.

But that is PERFECT!

It would give you the chance respond in an unintelligible Inspector Clouseau French accent!

Would relish this opportunity - I would love to be an "eurficcer of the lerr"

user1471565182 · 30/09/2020 13:03

yes, apologise because you raised your voice at your stalker ffs. What world are some posters living in? it would be much more clear cut and obviously sinister if it was a man doing this.

RoseGoldNails · 30/09/2020 13:11

I think what you said was quite tame. She is a deranged stalker.

ArchieStar · 30/09/2020 13:29

Oh OP, pleeeeeease do some of these suggestions, they are brilliant!

IceSkater · 30/09/2020 13:43

Good for you - hopefully she gets the message and stops stalking your whole life!

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 30/09/2020 13:49

Slight derail and referring to a pp's suggestion ... I really loved Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau. The disguises

tommyhoundmum · 30/09/2020 13:57

Don't play with her mind because she's playing with yours.

tara66 · 30/09/2020 13:59

She sounds like a character that's escaped from Agatha Christie's ''Miss Marple''. She'll be useful if your village has a murder!

waitrosetrollydolly · 30/09/2020 14:07

My MIL is like this. I once saw her stalking an old friend of my DH's on Facebook?! Looking through all his posts and pictures etc. She also keeps tabs on everyone on her street. And she wonders why I don't add her on SM! She has got nothing else to do. So part of me feels sorry for the her. But there's another part that would welcome someone telling her to back off. So had you done this to her I'd totally back you for it. Hope it eases off now you've told them to stop.

WarmSausageTea · 30/09/2020 14:07

She'll be useful if your village has a murder!

As the victim, if she’s pissed off most of the village.

billy1966 · 30/09/2020 15:15

Definitely no apology.

You have been extremely tolerant.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/09/2020 16:32

In all seriousness, if you do have cause to speak to her or her daughter directly, don't sugar-coat your words by describing it as noseyness or showing excessive interest etc. Call it exactly what it is: stalking and harassment, and make it clear that you aren't joking if they try to laugh it off as you being OTT.

Peering from behind the net curtains and commenting on 'her at number 19 having an Amazon delivery' is annoying enough, but actually timing your comings and goings and approaching you, expecting you to justify your mundane everyday movements shows a total lack of boundaries and/or mental health problems.

I'd also threaten her with the police if it doesn't stop, as stalking is a crime for a very good reason. I don't suppose you have any friends in the police, who could drop by after their shift for five minutes and be clearly seen talking to you on your doorstep - maybe with you pointing at her house and exaggeratedly looking her way a few times?

As has already been said, I know it's a common MN trope, but imagine if it were a big man in his 30s rather than an older lady doing the exact same thing - that would show it for what it truly is.

Whether it is down to MH problems, extreme boredom or whatever, I'd hate having somebody fascinated by the boring minutiae of my life that I myself paid no notice to. Either way, there's something wrong - and I can only see it getting worse, not better, if she's allowed to go on unchallenged.

katieandlilliemae · 30/09/2020 17:28

Make a big sign that's says something like I'm off to take a shit as my toilet is playing up or something funny like that

Wearywithteens · 30/09/2020 17:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Arofan · 30/09/2020 19:19

Is this something that happens as a result of ‘old age’, or have people like this always been busy bodies?

Dreading2020sSeasonFinale · 30/09/2020 22:02

@waitrosetrollydolly

Two facebooks for me. One with the inlaws on, and one I can actually use how I like!

Dreading2020sSeasonFinale · 30/09/2020 22:08

Anyone else imagining OP's neighbour as Gladys from Bewitched screaming at poor Abner to come see what OP (aka the witchy Mrs Stephens) is up to?

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