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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For speaking up to neighbour

159 replies

Wibblywobbly40 · 30/09/2020 07:00

Sorry long post

This is more of was I being unreasonable or not

I have lived in my new house since just before lockdown. I have got along with my neighbours really well and I love living here but I have one gripe that makes me question things before I do them.

Across the road opposite me a neighbour literally knows or thinks they know everything about everyone, during lockdown I stayed in the majority of the time unless I really really needed to go to the shop and couldn't wait for a delivery but majority of the time I would have things delivered this included takeaways sometimes twice a week and a couple of comments were made about it to me from this neighbour, they were jokey comments or so I thought so let it go.

Fast forward to being able to go out a bit more freely wearing a mask etc, I started to notice the comments more frequently coming but not about getting deliveries but even when I left the house getting a running commentary on how long I had been what time I left and which way I went (this is not an exaggeration) to the point I was getting phone calls from her daughter (who I have known for many years) to ask if I was back home because her mum said she hadn't seen me go back in and I was out a while.

This came up again yesterday when she asked why I had been out the house so long when we are in local lockdown, I had been to an appointment which could not have waited any longer but instead of explaining myself I lost my temper and said it was none of her business what I do in and out of my own house and she should stop watching my every move, if I want to get takeaways for breakfast lunch and dinner that is none of hers or anyone's business or if I want to spend money on having things delivered to my house again is none of anyone's business. I blew because I felt like a prisoner in my own home being let out on supervised day release everytime I went out.

I feel bad now for blowing the way I did and I know she was not happy

AIBU - I shouldn't have blew up

YANBU - she should be told to mind her own business

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 30/09/2020 09:30

@OldEvilOwl

I would go out of the front door and then come back in through the back where she can't see so she thinks I've been gone for hours/days at a time just to wind her up
I have done that before now when in a similar position!!
tommyhoundmum · 30/09/2020 09:30

Make the apology specific ie for losing your temper; you can still stand your ground on the rest of the nonsense. If she lives that close, do you really want to be on bad terms?

badacorn · 30/09/2020 09:31

When I read that you blew up at her I thought “good”

She is being unreasonable.

Redcups64 · 30/09/2020 09:33

Probably shouldn’t have blown up. Next time I see them in the street I would probably wave and smile but keep them at arms length, don’t engage in conversation.

On the other hand if you didint blow up and kept tolerating it....well that’s not worth thinking about as that would be a nightmare, you did the right thing really.

FOJN · 30/09/2020 09:37

I wouldn't apologise. You have asserts your boundaries, I think if you apologise she might think you didn't mean what you said. If she's not happy with your boundaries then that her problem not yours, you don't have to put up with her intrusive behaviour just to keep her happy.

If her daughter mentions it I would refuse to to discuss it by simply saying it was between you and her mother and you have nothing further to say on the matter. I would also block her number, she may be looking to establish a closer friendship but it won't be a respectful one so I would avoid any further contact with her.

ZoeTurtle · 30/09/2020 09:42

YANBU at all. If it helps, I told one neighbour to get a life and spend less time looking out of his window spying - he told me to fuck off but I haven't had a peep out of him since. Bliss.

WokesFromHome · 30/09/2020 09:43

I live in a village where there are lots of nosey neighbours. When I first moved into my village there was a rumour going round that I was "forin", which they wouldn't have liked and that I had 4 adult sons each with a super up car that they razzed down the street. At the time my DC were 5 and 8. Many of them came round for a nose and told me they had been in my house before I moved in to take a look Hmm.

Where have I been = I've been to see my divorce lawyer/ I've been to see my lover/ to book a 6 week holiday to the Galapolos Islands as I've just won the lottery.

You get a lot of deliveries = yes, it is all my sex toys. It is my sons drum kit/ electric guitar/ home start canabis set.

I used to live in a street when I was younger with a very nosey neighbour and I do the same now. Instead of getting angry I have fun with it.

forrestgreen · 30/09/2020 09:44

Depending on how your next meeting goes, ie if she apologises, then I'd apologise for shouting but not the content of what you said. If her dd if off with you then I'd block her. They both sound the same tbh

WokesFromHome · 30/09/2020 09:44

Sorry, those last 3 comments are things I'd say to have some fun with it. If she knows you are taking the Mickey out of her she will stop.

Serendipity79 · 30/09/2020 09:46

That would drive me mad, and tbh it would freak me out a bit as well if one of my neighbours did it (now very relieved that I live at the top of a cul de sac with only a few neighbours)

She could well just be a lonely nosey person with nothing better to do but its weird and its not acceptable. If the daughter does contact then I would just let her know that its actually upset you that you're being monitored 24/7 and your outburst was a reflection of that. You don't want to lose your temper but at the same time you don't want her stalking you which is what its starting to feel like

Pogmella · 30/09/2020 09:47

Swear the daughter to secrecy and confide in her you’re an analyst for GCHQ (NOT A SPY!) but you have to go to extra training. Ask her not to tell her mum...

Gran22 · 30/09/2020 09:56

We've moved a few times, private rented, then owning. I've never had such nosey neighbours. But when I worked in social housing, some of the tenants seemed to see keeping tabs on their neighbours as a hobby!

RelaisBlu · 30/09/2020 09:56

When I first moved in there was a rumour going round that I was "forin"

Same here, but in our case we actually WERE "forin" (or at least my DH is) and for some time I think this made us the talk of the village!

Our house used to be the vicarage and lots of people told me about being inside my house & garden in the past and seemed to feel entitled to pass comment on changes we made to both.

Throughout lockdown one of my neighbours would often say he saw me got out, then pause as if I should explain myself - I never felt obliged to fill him in on the minutiae of my life and just smiled benevolently, saying nothing!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/09/2020 09:57

Maybe a whiteboard where you write 'I'M GOING OUT. IS THAT OK BEAKY-BITCH' and hold it up towards her house everytime. I'm joking before the pearl clutchers pile on.

I was thinking of a note through the door.

"Where am I going? - out.

"Who with? -- people
When am I back? - when get home."

Jj2431 · 30/09/2020 09:59

YANBU nosey parker. I'd be fuming too

willloman · 30/09/2020 09:59

Yeah, be really cold. This woman is a compulsive curtain twitcher.
Ignore. That said...
Get some binoculars and peer out door at her before you go out.
Get a false moustache and some peter sellers glasses and do a pink panther every time you leave Grin
Seriously this would drive me dippy

Arofan · 30/09/2020 10:03

@MsStillwell ooh! I love that. Adding that to my response database.

Springersrock · 30/09/2020 10:03

I don’t think you were unreasonable.

I lost my rag with one of my neighbours during lockdown. She appointed herself Covid Police and kept coming round to tell me I was going out too often

DH and I worked through lockdown, plus we have horses that need to be fed/mucked out/turned in or out twice a day. One of them is an elderly retiree on medication. We can’t just leave them to their own devices Covid or no Covid.

She’d post shaming posts all over the FB community groups about her ‘Covidiot’ neighbour, go and complain to the other neighbours about how often I was going out, we used to take the dog to the yard with us so she could have an off-lead run in the paddock and the neighbour would come and tell me off for driving the dog for walks, etc

I had been very polite but she just wouldn’t leave me alone. One night she came round to complain that we weren’t home in time to clap and I completely lost my temper and told her to mind her own business. She carried on complaining to the other neighbours and posting her FB shaming crap, but she did leave me alone after that.

SpaceOP · 30/09/2020 10:04

Do Not Apologise.

You're a saint for not blowing up before. The very first time she got her daughter to call me to check up on me is when I would have lost it. Absolutely 100% not acceptable. if she's the type who likes to clock her neighbour's moves, fine, that's her thing. But for her to impose her opinions on your movements onto is absolutely not on and I can't believe you didn't go ballistic months ago.

Fedupoftheworld · 30/09/2020 10:04

I wouldn’t apologise for getting angry. It’s extremely unhealthy behaviour they have, near enough stalking you.
I’d cut your losses and have nothing else to do with them.

SpaceOP · 30/09/2020 10:04

@Fedupoftheworld

I wouldn’t apologise for getting angry. It’s extremely unhealthy behaviour they have, near enough stalking you. I’d cut your losses and have nothing else to do with them.
Actually, this is a good point. It really is stalking-behaviour.
cakeandchampagne · 30/09/2020 10:07

@OldEvilOwl

I would go out of the front door and then come back in through the back where she can't see so she thinks I've been gone for hours/days at a time just to wind her up
Smile
tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 30/09/2020 10:09

No OP, not AT ALL U.

And ok, maybe when it came to the confrontation some may say you could have said/handled it differently ... actually I disagree. Regardless of another persons mental health, coming from a good place, etc etc, this person has some serious boundary issues and her behaviour isn't reasonable. Why on earth hasn't her daughter had a little chat with her about her actions?! Plus, in terms of what you said, what one person may say sounded nasty, others may perceive to just sound assertive.

I hope it gets better OP. Agree with others that if there's opportunity soon, you could acknowledge what happened (bit don't apologise) even if it's with her daughter and that even if it comes from meaning well, your a private person and you do not want the intrusion. So use this as a chance to lay down the boundaries for how you mean to go on.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 30/09/2020 10:10

PS I would worry that that an apology from you will be taken as you think her behaviour is ok and normal.

It isn't.

thegcatsmother · 30/09/2020 10:12

The stock responses in my house when asked where you've been are:
'What level is your security clearance, as my movements are classified'
'I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.'

We use these with my Mum at times, when I haven't instantly answered the phone, or haven't told her we are going out.

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