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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For speaking up to neighbour

159 replies

Wibblywobbly40 · 30/09/2020 07:00

Sorry long post

This is more of was I being unreasonable or not

I have lived in my new house since just before lockdown. I have got along with my neighbours really well and I love living here but I have one gripe that makes me question things before I do them.

Across the road opposite me a neighbour literally knows or thinks they know everything about everyone, during lockdown I stayed in the majority of the time unless I really really needed to go to the shop and couldn't wait for a delivery but majority of the time I would have things delivered this included takeaways sometimes twice a week and a couple of comments were made about it to me from this neighbour, they were jokey comments or so I thought so let it go.

Fast forward to being able to go out a bit more freely wearing a mask etc, I started to notice the comments more frequently coming but not about getting deliveries but even when I left the house getting a running commentary on how long I had been what time I left and which way I went (this is not an exaggeration) to the point I was getting phone calls from her daughter (who I have known for many years) to ask if I was back home because her mum said she hadn't seen me go back in and I was out a while.

This came up again yesterday when she asked why I had been out the house so long when we are in local lockdown, I had been to an appointment which could not have waited any longer but instead of explaining myself I lost my temper and said it was none of her business what I do in and out of my own house and she should stop watching my every move, if I want to get takeaways for breakfast lunch and dinner that is none of hers or anyone's business or if I want to spend money on having things delivered to my house again is none of anyone's business. I blew because I felt like a prisoner in my own home being let out on supervised day release everytime I went out.

I feel bad now for blowing the way I did and I know she was not happy

AIBU - I shouldn't have blew up

YANBU - she should be told to mind her own business

OP posts:

SayWhatTheWhatNow · 30/09/2020 07:39

Give her a cheery wave when you go out or back in and if she tries to stop for a chat say sorry, must dash
And don't answer the phone to her daughter

ptumbi · 30/09/2020 07:40

FFS - the only way to stop people like that is to blow up! I'd have done it a long time ago. Your business, so long as it's legal, is none of theirs.

Keep it up. DO NOT apologise. DO NOT justify, argue, defend or excuse.

You may find yourself the talk of the street for a while, but you will also find yourself the subject of some respect.

This is a Good Thing.

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/09/2020 07:41

She's behaving badly (as is her daughter, phoning you up). Having a bit of a go at her wasn't ideal. It would have been better to speak up earlier and more calmly before you felt pushed to the edge. But much better to enforce your boundaries now, even with a terse and annoyed exchange, than never at all.

EatDessertFirst · 30/09/2020 07:42

I think you were remarkably calm and very measured. I would have gone nuclear ages ago!!

I wouldn't engage with her or her busybody daughter anymore. The both sound unhinged.

PP suggesting you move?? Why on earth should the OO move?? The neighbour should be made to stop.
If she/the daughter continues with the texts and phonecalls about your movements, the better course of action would be legal/civil but I don't know how that would go down.

That, or start waving at her curtains every time you leave the house. Maybe a whiteboard where you write 'I'M GOING OUT. IS THAT OK BEAKY-BITCH' and hold it up towards her house everytime. I'm joking before the pearl clutchers pile on.

PurplePansy05 · 30/09/2020 07:42

So creepy. I'd have told her off much sooner than you did! A complete invasion of privacy. I wonder if they're not quite right, your neighbour & her daughter, this isn't normal behaviour

PurplePansy05 · 30/09/2020 07:43

And yes if this continues, I'd go to the police, they're effectively stalking on you/harassing you.

Mellonsprite · 30/09/2020 07:45

No, you’ve done well. It’s none of her business what you eat, from where or what time you leave and come back. If the daughter calls to ask (check up) on you again, you need to reinforce this by blowing up at her too. Imagine thinking it was ok to snoop on someone like this.

tommyhoundmum · 30/09/2020 07:47

Yes,Ponoka7 has it right, I think. But put yourself back in the right and apologise.

Is this a lonely old person?

PurplePansy05 · 30/09/2020 07:49

Absolutely do not apologise, this will encourage further similar behaviours from them.

oakleaffy · 30/09/2020 07:52

@Wibblywobbly40

I don't want to really move I do love living here.

I may have made it sound like my life is terrible here, that's not the case I just don't like being watched with every little thing I do by one person who likes to comment on the things I do I felt a little boxed in and lost my temper but felt bad after doing it

We had an old lady who lived a few doors down who was like a oner woman Gestapo spy.

Ghastly.

I too blew up at her.... My friend had parked outside the old woman's house and the old woman asked her to move it.
I said that we don't own the road outside our houses... and the old lady snapped
''I always thought you were nasty girls!''

I replied ''And you're a vindictive, gossipy old woman''

{She really was...a frightful gossip}

It would drive most people dotty to be so obsessively watched.

Re the old lady in our street, I did apologise for calling her that later on, {weeks later} and she did the same for calling my friend and I ''Nasty Girls'' :)

Tomatoesneedtoripen · 30/09/2020 07:53

i think that would send me round the bend!

Sunshineandmoonlight · 30/09/2020 07:55

That neighbour is really weird! We have loads of deliveries here and sure neighbours comment occasionally but wow

Plussizejumpsuit · 30/09/2020 07:58

This would drive me crazy. I would speak to her again or speak to the daughter. Just to try to make the relationship a bit better going forward. Just say something like sorry I lost my temper but I find this really intrusive and overbearing please stop. Just keep it simple and then if she wants to be annoyed about it really ist not a big loss for you!

Inthewildwest · 30/09/2020 07:58

I had this with a neighbour (I was friends with her daughter). It was ridiculous, every time I was out she would comment, when I came home from having a day out shopping she would phone me and ask me what I had bought. I remember being out at a hen night and got home after midnight, she phoned to find out where I was.

I ended up moving and have cut all contact with the, including her daughter who I was friends with.

Rookie93 · 30/09/2020 08:04

Have to admit to an ex-neighbours who clocked our movements and would comment on them. I had a furious row with both of them as they took exception to us not being married - we were, but I'd kept my maiden name. Still recall the anger I felt even now at being watched and 'controlled' so to speak. In the end what worked for me was ignoring them completely and not acknowledging them whatsoever.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 30/09/2020 08:06

If you apologise she will then see that as a sign that she was right and will continue.

I would remain pleasant and say good morning /afternoon if you see her but nothing more. You do not need to be friends.

Original poster

Wibblywobbly40 · 30/09/2020 08:07

She does live alone and I honestly don't mind nosey people I am partial to being nosey myself but I don't make it known to people by saying yeah I seen you go out at 11:37 and not return until 1:46pm.

I didn't say anything earlier because the first comment was made a joke like "I bet you will be getting a takeaway tonight since it's Friday night" to which I replied yeah Friday is our takeaway night but sometimes Sundays are too depending how we feel.

That comment then made me realise she was extremely nosey but it wasn't until about a month ago the comments and phone calls or messages became a frequent thing and yesterday was just the last straw for me.

Considering I stayed in tried to abide by every rule for covid to keep us and my family safe and now I feel like I was looked at for being terrible for going to an appointment yesterday

OP posts:

averythinline · 30/09/2020 08:07

You were well within your rights to blow ...thats massively intrusive. Im surprised you haven't said something before...

I would also block their numbers ..and either just be on nodding terms or ignore..

If she's bored she can get a hobby...your life is not her entertainment!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2020 08:12

Why would you apologise? She has been stalking and bullying you. You have set a boundary now.

jay55 · 30/09/2020 08:16

You need to set a boundary with the friend too, she's encouraging her mum with her reactions.

Sassanacs · 30/09/2020 08:19

YANBU nosey twunts and also we are not in lockdown... unless you are in an area with restrictive measures you are free to go about your business

custardbear · 30/09/2020 08:22

I don't blame you, I hate it when people take your life as somethjng they can scrutinise or comment upon - none of their business! I'm live opposite a work colleague and we may ask what's happening in the area but never super intrusive

ChrisPrattsFace · 30/09/2020 08:25

It sounds a little stalky to me, she called her daughter to tell her that your partner had returned home? It’s fat too personal.

Also, if it was me every single time I went out I’d go and knock on her door and tell her I was going out and then again when I was back. Then when I was going to bed, when I woke up, when I was going to start making lunch, when I’d ate it... she wants to know. ‘You’re so invested in what I’m doing I’ll give you a full blow by blow everyday’ Hahah
Shed get sick before I did 😂

AltoCation · 30/09/2020 08:25

YANBU to be very fed up with her intrusion, but better to say something direct but polite before you get to the point of blowing up.

Easier said than done, hindsight etc.

But getting her Dd to call you was way OTT and I think I would have said something at that point, to the Dd. ‘I’m fine and to be honest I think it is getting a bit much the way your Mum is keeping tabs on my life so in future take ‘no need is good news’ about my whereabouts. I am sure DH will alert the authorities if I am abducted by aliens”

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/09/2020 08:27

Why does someone always say the person must have MH issues??

Maybe she’s just bored and thoroughly nosy! It’s not that uncommon, especially in someone who no longer works and has little to occupy them.

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