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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For speaking up to neighbour

159 replies

Wibblywobbly40 · 30/09/2020 07:00

Sorry long post

This is more of was I being unreasonable or not

I have lived in my new house since just before lockdown. I have got along with my neighbours really well and I love living here but I have one gripe that makes me question things before I do them.

Across the road opposite me a neighbour literally knows or thinks they know everything about everyone, during lockdown I stayed in the majority of the time unless I really really needed to go to the shop and couldn't wait for a delivery but majority of the time I would have things delivered this included takeaways sometimes twice a week and a couple of comments were made about it to me from this neighbour, they were jokey comments or so I thought so let it go.

Fast forward to being able to go out a bit more freely wearing a mask etc, I started to notice the comments more frequently coming but not about getting deliveries but even when I left the house getting a running commentary on how long I had been what time I left and which way I went (this is not an exaggeration) to the point I was getting phone calls from her daughter (who I have known for many years) to ask if I was back home because her mum said she hadn't seen me go back in and I was out a while.

This came up again yesterday when she asked why I had been out the house so long when we are in local lockdown, I had been to an appointment which could not have waited any longer but instead of explaining myself I lost my temper and said it was none of her business what I do in and out of my own house and she should stop watching my every move, if I want to get takeaways for breakfast lunch and dinner that is none of hers or anyone's business or if I want to spend money on having things delivered to my house again is none of anyone's business. I blew because I felt like a prisoner in my own home being let out on supervised day release everytime I went out.

I feel bad now for blowing the way I did and I know she was not happy

AIBU - I shouldn't have blew up

YANBU - she should be told to mind her own business

OP posts:
MzHz · 30/09/2020 08:28

YANBU

You do need to take a massive step back from friend

Hopefully this bonkers woman will leave you alone now

Happydaysforever123 · 30/09/2020 08:30

Don't engage with her, Ignore her texts. Smile and mood and keep on walking when you see her.

cbt944 · 30/09/2020 08:30

Blimey, it's like you're her television viewing! She's way out of line. You blew your top. Good on you. That will set her straight more clearly than any polite remonstrances or attempts to reset a normal neighbourly boundary. Sometimes you just have to shout at them, mortifying as it feels afterwards. I hope she backs right off now, and her daughter also.

squeekums · 30/09/2020 08:33

I'd have blown up and felt better for it
Its creepy and intrusive

MsStillwell · 30/09/2020 08:34

I can't quite picture this.

How is she commenting to you?

PilatesPeach · 30/09/2020 08:35

What took you so long???

justilou1 · 30/09/2020 08:35

I wonder if you’re going to get a “How dare you upset my mother!” Phone call from the daughter now...

MsStillwell · 30/09/2020 08:40

With nosey people who just can't help but comment on me and demand an explanation, I've finally found something that works. I just say, "don't worry about it".

For example, yesterday a neighbour said, "why are you wearing wellies when it's not raining? What's that all about eh? It's not even raining, and your wearing wellies. Why?".

"Don't let it worry you" I said and smiled benignly.

wannabebump · 30/09/2020 08:46

YANBU, infact id have probably said something sooner, and something much worse!

Whatever happens, don't apologise, keep on top of any other unnecessary comments, and distance yourself from the daughter too.

Burnthurst187 · 30/09/2020 08:50

Your neighbour sounds similar to the old guy opposite me. He's extremely nosey and stands at his gate with his arms crossed looking up and down the street. I don't enter into conversation with him anymore other than to say Hello

If I was you I would stop talking to this woman and totally ignore her

MulticolourMophead · 30/09/2020 08:51

@justilou1

I wonder if you’re going to get a “How dare you upset my mother!” Phone call from the daughter now...
And my response would be "How dare your mother upset me?".

Turns it right back onto them.

rayoflightboy · 30/09/2020 08:52

Block your "friend" as well.Seriously that would do my nut in.

I would have blown up much sooner.

MJMG2015 · 30/09/2020 08:55

@Sassanacs

YANBU nosey twunts and also we are not in lockdown... unless you are in an area with restrictive measures you are free to go about your business
She IS an area with a Local Lockdown.

However, unless she's having house parties. It's really not the neighbours business what she does.

Asking why you've been out so long isn't acceptable.

@Wibblywobbly40.
YANBU to have told her to mind her own business, not at all. But I'd try not to hold a grudge, she's probably just a lethal combination of scared and nosey. TRY not to let it get to you. If she says anything else just reply with things like 'why do you want to know?' Or 'that's really none of your business'.

I'd swap her for my neighbour who keeps pouring the very very very strong cleaning chemical/disinfectant on her patio. I think she mops the floor or cleans the bathroom then throws it out there, it's not to clean the patio. It gives me a dreadful headache. 🙇🏻‍♀️

ApolloandDaphne · 30/09/2020 08:57

I would have done exactly the same. Hopefully she will stop doing this now.

OldEvilOwl · 30/09/2020 08:59

I would go out of the front door and then come back in through the back where she can't see so she thinks I've been gone for hours/days at a time just to wind her up

GabriellaMontez · 30/09/2020 09:03

Unfortunately by being pleasant and polite you have encouraged her to 'monitor' you. Hopefully she'll back off now. You were absolutely right to lose your shit. I dont know how you lasted so long!

ASundayWellSpent · 30/09/2020 09:07

That would drive me nuts too. I think you were quite restrained, they sound unhinged and very bored

LadyofTheManners · 30/09/2020 09:11

God no you weren't out of order and no, you shouldn't have to move either.
Frankly it's bordering on harrassment and stalking, does she have bloody binoculars and a notepad?

As for her daughter, sounds as interfering as her mother so she would be getting the chop from my friendship group too.

I have a neighbour like this, it's all done in a "jokey" way but she was the same "ooh you best not go out over an hour!" "Oooh did you need to get milk, didn't you go to Aldi yesterday?" I told her in the end to mind her own bloody business and get a life.
Don't be surprised she will report you to the police now in revenge, her type are probably itching to join the covid Marshall stasi

user1471565182 · 30/09/2020 09:11

Is nosy twat a condition now?

AdoreTheBeach · 30/09/2020 09:16

I’m with the others who say don’t apologise. If you do, she’ll think even more so she’s in the right and has done nothing wrong.

We’re conditioned to be polite and to respect our elders - but she’s not been conditioned to respect others. She’s likely been doing this with other people before you. You’re just her most recent target

If you feel badly about ignoring her as a means of going forward, don’t go over to engage with her as she is across the road, not likely to be at your front walk so to speak. If you can’t avoid her, saying having to park near her house, then just wave hello and as previous poster suggested, just tell her not to worry about it and then move on

If the daughter rings you to tell you off, then it’s more tricky and you need to be direct. Simply tell her it’s not her mother’s business what you do and you find it all too obtrusive do don’t be discussing your life with her or her mother going forward. Thank you very much - and then say goodbye and hang up.

Don’t allow them to have the power over you - just take it away by being factual, firm and polite there is no reason you have to engage with them. There is no resin you need to give reasons or discuss why you don’t want to engage. You’re not being rude nor doing anything wrong.

CambsAlways · 30/09/2020 09:21

I wouldn’t have taken it well either, so I’d have put them in their place from the offset

blueberrypie0112 · 30/09/2020 09:24

Nah, you are fine. Stop talking to the daughter though, cut off this nosy neighbor’s resource.

ChaToilLeam · 30/09/2020 09:26

Stop talking to both of them. You’ve got her telt, stand your ground and cut off their supply of gossip! She’ll find another target.

MatildaTheCat · 30/09/2020 09:26

Covid is a red herring, she’s always been like this. In the interests of not causing a massive neighbour war I would wave to her cheerily each time you come and go. Any further enquires would be met with the exact same phrase, along the lines of, ‘Haha, I thought we were over this, I’ve been on another secret mission.’

IntermittentParps · 30/09/2020 09:28

I've voted YANBU because I would have lost my rag too.
BUT I think you could/should have nipped it in the bud sooner – I'd have told her to pack it in at 'running commentary' stage, and told her daughter to keep her beak out and get a life when she started phoning.

But I wouldn't worry about how things go from now on. If they decide to hold a grudge and ignore you then you'll have some peace and quiet.

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