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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For speaking up to neighbour

159 replies

Wibblywobbly40 · 30/09/2020 07:00

Sorry long post

This is more of was I being unreasonable or not

I have lived in my new house since just before lockdown. I have got along with my neighbours really well and I love living here but I have one gripe that makes me question things before I do them.

Across the road opposite me a neighbour literally knows or thinks they know everything about everyone, during lockdown I stayed in the majority of the time unless I really really needed to go to the shop and couldn't wait for a delivery but majority of the time I would have things delivered this included takeaways sometimes twice a week and a couple of comments were made about it to me from this neighbour, they were jokey comments or so I thought so let it go.

Fast forward to being able to go out a bit more freely wearing a mask etc, I started to notice the comments more frequently coming but not about getting deliveries but even when I left the house getting a running commentary on how long I had been what time I left and which way I went (this is not an exaggeration) to the point I was getting phone calls from her daughter (who I have known for many years) to ask if I was back home because her mum said she hadn't seen me go back in and I was out a while.

This came up again yesterday when she asked why I had been out the house so long when we are in local lockdown, I had been to an appointment which could not have waited any longer but instead of explaining myself I lost my temper and said it was none of her business what I do in and out of my own house and she should stop watching my every move, if I want to get takeaways for breakfast lunch and dinner that is none of hers or anyone's business or if I want to spend money on having things delivered to my house again is none of anyone's business. I blew because I felt like a prisoner in my own home being let out on supervised day release everytime I went out.

I feel bad now for blowing the way I did and I know she was not happy

AIBU - I shouldn't have blew up

YANBU - she should be told to mind her own business

OP posts:
Oldraver · 30/09/2020 10:13

If jer daughter phones up again you could say you are worried your neighbour is becoming unhealthy obsessed with you or get a bit shirty and say you find her behaviour harrassing

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 30/09/2020 10:14

X post with FOJN Grin

Wokes love that! Reminds me of advice I once read here for cold callers ... star acting like a lunatic whose just murdered someone in their kitchen and ask them where you should put the body, best way to clean the blood up!

I've not got the am dram skills to do this but would love to overhear someone else do it/observe t*e callers reaction GrinGrin

LolaSkoda · 30/09/2020 10:24

What was her response to you setting her straight?

Reykjavikagain · 30/09/2020 10:26

They have started to cross the line from nosy neighbours to stalking/harassment. You have nothing to apologise for. It must feel awful to be ‘logged’ every time you walk out the door. If there is any more of it I’d make a note of the date, time and what happened and if ignoring them doesn’t put a stop to it, phone the non-emergency police.

NancyPickford · 30/09/2020 10:28

Does she come out of her house each time she sees you outside? Or is she phoning you?

LongHotSummerJustPassedMeBy · 30/09/2020 10:28

YANBU. Your neighbour needs to get a life. You are not her daughter (and even if you were she is still BU!).

Ariela · 30/09/2020 10:37

You probably aren't the first neighbour to blow their top at her, but at least she'll be able to give a full description of any attempted burglary.

M0mmzee · 30/09/2020 10:47

You have my sympathy. I have a sister-in-law that does the very same. She doesn’t have any hobbies and her conversations are just about other people’s business.
I would just ignore her from now on, because what you don’t know can’t hurt you. Anyone who believes her gossip or thinks it’s ok to do that to a neighbour aren’t worth bothering about.
Someone asked if you could move house. I would say, don’t and don’t let her see that her antics bother you anymore either.
No wonder you were fuming.

user1471538283 · 30/09/2020 10:53

I think you were appropriate. It is none of her concern where you go and what you do. I cannot bear neighbours like this. I am not interested in their lives and they should not be interested in mine. I would not engage any further with either her or her daughter. They need to understand that they are not your friends (and even friends would not be this oppressive)

AryaStarkWolf · 30/09/2020 10:54

Definitely not unreasonable that's so weird and intrusive, I would hate that, does she do it with all the neighbours or just you?

OhCaptain · 30/09/2020 10:54

I certainly wouldn't apologise. That's just giving her a green light to keep going.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 30/09/2020 11:02

Does your neighbour think she is a polizei or what? Is she paid for snooping and snitching?
Well done for telling her to mind her own business but she sounds "a bit unhinged" so watch her out.

HomeTheatreSystem · 30/09/2020 11:03

No YANBU. That is a highly intrusive and unwarranted level of interest in your movements. Hopefully, your blowing up at her like that has rammed the message home but if she continues, then you will at least know that you're dealing with someone who is more than just an insufferable busybody.
Tiresome though it is, I would start making notes of dates and times and what is said/done in case it gets even more out of hand.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 30/09/2020 11:03

She should come to you and apologise for her behaviour. That's a harassment.

Original poster
Wibblywobbly40 · 30/09/2020 11:08

I have just caught up on everyone's reply

I am definitely not the first neighbour, so I know how it works she will go through a stage of ignoring me and telling everyone I was really rude for no reason, which in fairness does not bother me, like I say I am more of an acquaintance to her daughter than a friend.

From what I can gather he daughter has learnt to just ignore what she does but sometimes gets pressured into finding out information to keep peace with her.

I like to be friendly with people and do not like confrontation so when I did blow it really was the last straw but I know that I can get such a nasty tone of voice when I do blow, I just felt a touch bad after but because she made me feel so self conscious that she was watching my every move i just blew up when she questioned me yesterday when it was something personal I didn't want to be explaining to anyone.

OP posts:
IntermittentParps · 30/09/2020 11:22

Get a false moustache and some peter sellers glasses and do a pink panther every time you leave

Please do this Grin

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/09/2020 11:24

I would go out of the front door and then come back in through the back where she can't see so she thinks I've been gone for hours/days at a time just to wind her up

COVID rules notwithstanding, does your DP have a load of friends who could spare a few minutes for a laugh? I'm thinking massively loud and exaggerated "Goodbye, Darling - you have a wonderful day!" when he leaves and then, every 20 minutes, one of his mates looks around furtively, rings the bell and is let in by you, before saying Hi and promptly escaping unseen out of the back door! She would explode!!

Seriously, though, if you're asking if you should apologise to your stalkers for not wanting to be a victim of their calculated stalking campaign, I think the answer should be clear.

Can you get hold of a load of charity leaflets or mock some up on your computer saying "Do you have too much time on your hands? Put it to GOOD use by volunteering with us!" and then put them through her door. Not toooo regularly, of course - only, say, one every 15 minutes. As a PP says, there's a whole world of TV channels and websites out there that are specifically designed to be watched intently and hold your interest - they WANT you to watch them!. No offence to you, OP, but I seriously doubt that your family's life can compete for excitement with what's happening across the entire world.

EarthSight · 30/09/2020 11:24

I'm a very cautious, careful person when it comes to COVID, but your neighbour sounds anxious and controlling to me. I don't blame you for snapping.

EarthSight · 30/09/2020 11:26

@IntermittentParps

Get a false moustache and some peter sellers glasses and do a pink panther every time you leave

Please do this Grin

LOLLLLLL

Can't find the person who originally suggested this but yes, it would be funny!!

bettytaghetti · 30/09/2020 11:28

You are definitely not bu, and agree with others that any apology would be misinterpreted.

We have a second home in a small development of houses. It has large windows & doors on all sides and we would frequently find a forehead print on the the glass where someone would lean to have a good nose when we weren't there. 😂
Since we put cameras up we know which neighbour it is (it wasn't a big surprise; hello K!).
Given it's a second home and we're not there too often, it doesn't hugely bother me that someone is keeping rather too close an eye on the place, but if this was my main home I would have reacted exactly the same as you.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 30/09/2020 11:30

You could have fun with this if you so wished. You spend a long time out - 'I was running the local bank, look out for me on the news tonight!', DP IS home sooner than expected - 'That wasn't DP it was his twin brother, I'm keeping it in the family!' rbw

LindaEllen · 30/09/2020 11:34

The lady next to us is lovely, but she's very similar in that she notices EVERYTHING. She also has one of those camera doorbells and has an app on her phone so she can see the front of the house at all times. She's forever telling us what people across the road have had delivered, what they're eating, if they've had guests (we're in local lockdown so nobody should be having guests) and we're fairly sure she must tell other people about us.

My situation doesn't sound as intrusive, but it's still annoying.

I mean, on the plus side, DP could never get away with bringing another woman home haha.

On a serious note, YANBU at all. She sounds like a nightmare, and possibly mentally unstable, too.

sammylady37 · 30/09/2020 11:36

Absolutely no need for you to apologise and you doing do would actually validate her in her mind. She is highly intrusive and inappropriate.

I have a nosy neighbour and I actually despise her. I find her behaviour abhorrent. My spare room is at the front of the house, so she notices me opening the window there if I am expecting guests. Anyway, she commented to me once that she had noticed that more than one male guest did not appear to sleep in the spare room as I didn’t open the window there prior to these separate visits. She clearly doesn’t approve of me having gentlemen callers 😁

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 30/09/2020 11:37

What an absolute weirdo. Do not apologise, as a pp has said upthread, this may make her believe that you were in the wrong and she was in the right and so keep going with this bloody rude intrusivness. Keep it civil from now on, proudly smile and say hello when you see her and leave it at that.

Elsiebear90 · 30/09/2020 11:42

You’ve been more patient than I would have been, the first time she would have asked about where I was going would have been the time I would have told her it’s none of her business. She sounds unhinged, absolutely do not apologise, she has no rights to monitor your comings and goings and quiz you on them. From now on I would shut down every conversation from her about where you’ve been or what delivery you’ve had with “it’s really none of your business”.

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