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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want his friend to move in

243 replies

cherrybun01 · 29/09/2020 19:25

hi all,

being told I'm unfeeling apparently but I really dont think I am, however of course I could be being biased due to previous experience and lack of sleep!

me and dh have a 9 month old. we live in a 2 bed apartment of okay size, with kitchen, 1 bathroom and a front room plus the 2 bedrooms. my partners friend has asked him if he can move in. I have said no for the following reason:

  • the room he would occupy is my babys nursery and is going to be my office space when I go back to work soon, temporarily. baby currently sleeps in our room. I wouldnt want a lodger in our babies nursery anyway as all their play things are in there, without the fact it's going to be where all my office things are.

I have been argued that we could put babies things elsewhere and that my office area will only be taking a corner and friend could use the rest of the space

  • we lived briefly with this friend before a few years ago when we didnt have a baby and I hated it. became very much a lad house, with fifa constantly and beers and me generally feeling like a third wheel in my own home. so naturally I'm not keen on our family home potentially becoming like this again. feels unfair on me and our baby.
  • said friend is an avid weed smoker who last time completely stunk his room out with it. I cannot think of anything worse than this smell being in my babies future room.
  • I turned my own brother down for similar reasons some months ago.

I have been told I am unfair, unfeeling and that I am loosing us 200 pound a month he would give us. we dont need the money. his friend wont let it drop, keeps asking dh to try and persuade me. I had hoped no would of been enough but apparently not!

AIBU?

OP posts:
MusicWithRocksIn1t · 30/09/2020 05:45

No no no a thousand times no.

clairedelalune · 30/09/2020 06:15

I'm not normally an ultimatum giver, but there would be here of it's him or me. And if there is any hesitation of thought there from him, I would be off and considering that I had hD a long term lucky escape.

WeNo · 30/09/2020 06:34

@mummmy2017

Ask your husband if he wants a love life? Ask him how he will stop friend eatting your food? As friend will expect to be fed for free. Ask your husband is he wants to be laughed at for being a mug, by your other friends. Ask your husband if he has found a new flat to live in with his friend?
This!

Plus, if he's single and a drinker he'll be going out... could you trust him to socially distance, wear a mask and follow the guidelines?? Probably not! He'd be putting your family at risk.

It's a NO from me!

Raindancer411 · 30/09/2020 06:51

I am sorry but he isn't putting his DD at the front of his priorities here. That is not a person I would want around a young baby. YANBU at all. His friend can use a hostel.

MulticolourMophead · 30/09/2020 08:32

@mummmy2017

Ask your husband if he wants a love life? Ask him how he will stop friend eatting your food? As friend will expect to be fed for free. Ask your husband is he wants to be laughed at for being a mug, by your other friends. Ask your husband if he has found a new flat to live in with his friend?
In addition to all the other stuff, he'd probably expect OP to do his laundry, and do nothing to help around the place, no cooking, cleaning, etc.
Original poster
cherrybun01 · 30/09/2020 09:00

apparently dh has told him that he cant - he has used the fact that room is going to be becoming my office until atleast March.

whether or not this will be the end of it from friend pushing I dont know. would not surprise me at all if he suggest I set up office space elsewhere.

I didnt mind this person initially but the way he behaved towards BIL and his girlfriend really opened my eyes to him and then of course when he lived with us before it was shit because I felt like a spare part. unfortunately, my dh thinks hes great - maybe because hes "fun" and I guess like i said previously the years they've known each other. hes nearly 30 now, I actually think it's sad he doesnt have any other life aspirations other than drinking and smoking.

OP posts:
criminallyinsane · 30/09/2020 09:26

But you don't have a 'spare' room! You have your bedroom and your daughter's bedroom. And there is no way your wee one wouldn't be inhaling second hand weed smoke from this so-called friend... Even thinking about this makes me want to do something violent to him and I'm usually a gentle person! No no no no no

aSofaNearYou · 30/09/2020 09:39

Wtf? It wouldn't matter if he was the world's best lodger, who would expect young parents living in a 2 bed flat to have a lodger? Don't most people accept that people in that position are not at that stage of life?

Obviously you wouldn't want to do this. Obviously.

RandomMess · 30/09/2020 09:44

I would tell DH once DD is a bit older if she isn't in her room you won't be comfortable having sex with her sleeping beside you...

That may get through to him that there is no spare room!!!!

LH1987 · 30/09/2020 09:48

Dear god, absolutely no! Even if you were to consider it, only 200 a month? He is having a laugh.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 30/09/2020 09:48

If your DH puts his friend before you or maybe he is being manipulated by him then he can move in with him somewhere else.
It's hard with close relatives when they stay in the living room but it will be even harder with someone you don't like. You don't own him anything.

WhatifIfeellikeacat · 30/09/2020 09:49

Also £200 paid for being an inconvenience in your home. It's too cheap.

LagunaBubbles · 30/09/2020 09:56

I would actually be really upset if this was my DH and he kept going on about it like this, how can he be a people pleaser if he's disrespecting your feelings and not listening to you saying no?

HomeTheatreSystem · 30/09/2020 10:01

Like others, my jaw was on the floor at the sheer nerve of this guy's expectations of you both. I hope that your DH telling him no will be the end of it but I have a feeling this guy is going to come up with "solutions" to help you make space for him. One of which would possibly be to help him out just for a fortnight or so whilst he finds somewhere else ... and once he's got his foot in the door, we all know where that ends, as he struggles to find the right sort of work, or the right sort of rental, with 2 wks becoming 4, then dragging into months. You also do not want to risk getting locked down with him.

The real problem here though is your husband: you need to make sure that he is under no illusion that if he prioritises this guy over his wife and child and so much as lets him stay the night at your flat, that your marriage will be in serious jeopardy.

How can your DH think that £200 would be extra income? By the time you've paid for the extra utility bills caused by having a third adult in the house AND the cost of him helping himself to your food in your fridge (which he would because he's a CF) he would actually net, end up costing you money! Can you imagine paying someone you don't like, to live with you? Money that I am sure you cannot afford to waste.

Your husband's people-pleasing thought processes are immature and disordered. You are rightly prioritising your baby and the family: if he so much as insinuates you're being mean not helping out his friend, give him a large serving of some brutal home truths about himself. He is not nearly as lovely and helpful a guy as he likes to think he is.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/09/2020 10:04

How can your DH think that £200 would be extra income? By the time you've paid for the extra utility bills caused by having a third adult in the house AND the cost of him helping himself to your food in your fridge (which he would because he's a CF) he would actually net, end up costing you money!

THIS ^

Sunnydayhere · 30/09/2020 11:48

@cherrybun01

apparently dh has told him that he cant - he has used the fact that room is going to be becoming my office until atleast March.

whether or not this will be the end of it from friend pushing I dont know. would not surprise me at all if he suggest I set up office space elsewhere.

I didnt mind this person initially but the way he behaved towards BIL and his girlfriend really opened my eyes to him and then of course when he lived with us before it was shit because I felt like a spare part. unfortunately, my dh thinks hes great - maybe because hes "fun" and I guess like i said previously the years they've known each other. hes nearly 30 now, I actually think it's sad he doesnt have any other life aspirations other than drinking and smoking.

“Because he’s fun”

Fun doesn't stop when you have children - but it changes.

Or at least it should do.

I suspect you may need to keep saying no until he is rock solid settled elsewhere.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/09/2020 11:57

Your DH needs to grow up. He had a wife and baby, he’s not a teenager.

£200 for half a two bed flat is nothing.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/09/2020 12:03

You have to be careful that he doesn't weasel his way in. 'Oh can I just stay one night because of a made up emergency...'

marmite79 · 30/09/2020 12:06

YANBU. You, your partner and your baby are a family. You don't need someone else in your house.

I would absolutely hate this and I agree with you!

Nikori · 30/09/2020 12:08

I used to know a guy who sold insurance. He told me that you should never give an excuse because it always gives them an in. For example, there's no room = oh, it's fine, I don't mind squeezing in; the wife has to work = don't worry, you won't even notice I'm there; we're worried about covid = I will gladly self-isolate in the spare room.

Instead just give a flat no, because it doesn't give them any room for argument.

5foot5 · 30/09/2020 12:12

Is it only me with a sense of deja-vu reading this thread?

I am sure I read this same thread a few days ago but the date of the OP is yesterday (29th Sep) at 19:25. I don't even remember being on AIBU yesterday evening. Has something weird happened with the Mumsnet database or am I going slightly mad

Angelina82 · 30/09/2020 12:20

Wtf no no no! This man and his emotional blackmail would irritate the life out of me. Tell your husband to man up and tell his friend to man up and tell his friend to get to fuck, or if he won’t do it yourself. I hate cheeky fuckers like this who won’t take no for an answer and try to wear you down. Get him told that it just ain’t happening OP! Shock

Angelina82 · 30/09/2020 12:22

I am so angry with this man that I don’t know that I have completely fucked up my post. 😂

Original poster
cherrybun01 · 30/09/2020 12:58

tbh with you, the thing I had the biggest problem with last time was the change of dynamic. I cant even imagine how much worse it would be with a baby to look after. frankly, I cba with having to fit my babies schedule in with another adult either, like dinner so use of the kitchen/oven and the bathroom. it already irritates me if my partner is in the bath when I want to give the baby hers!

also, I actually like my brother and felt guilty saying no to him because generally he is a good guy with a job who would in all likelihood have just kept to himself as he likes his own company but it's my babies room. so why dh or this friend thought I would accommodate him is beyond me.

OP posts:
HomeTheatreSystem · 30/09/2020 13:38

If this issue doesn't die a death pretty soon, then that's your solution OP! Kick DH out so he can have fun living with his CF friend and move your responsible and considerate brother in Grin