to not want his friend to move in

[cherrybun01]

hi all,

being told I'm unfeeling apparently but I really dont think I am, however of course I could be being biased due to previous experience and lack of sleep!

me and dh have a 9 month old. we live in a 2 bed apartment of okay size, with kitchen, 1 bathroom and a front room plus the 2 bedrooms. my partners friend has asked him if he can move in. I have said no for the following reason:

• the room he would occupy is my babys nursery and is going to be my office space when I go back to work soon, temporarily. baby currently sleeps in our room. I wouldnt want a lodger in our babies nursery anyway as all their play things are in there, without the fact it's going to be where all my office things are.

I have been argued that we could put babies things elsewhere and that my office area will only be taking a corner and friend could use the rest of the space

• we lived briefly with this friend before a few years ago when we didnt have a baby and I hated it. became very much a lad house, with fifa constantly and beers and me generally feeling like a third wheel in my own home. so naturally I'm not keen on our family home potentially becoming like this again. feels unfair on me and our baby.

• said friend is an avid weed smoker who last time completely stunk his room out with it. I cannot think of anything worse than this smell being in my babies future room.

• I turned my own brother down for similar reasons some months ago.

I have been told I am unfair, unfeeling and that I am loosing us 200 pound a month he would give us. we dont need the money. his friend wont let it drop, keeps asking dh to try and persuade me. I had hoped no would of been enough but apparently not!

AIBU?

[TheSandgroper]

If it helps, when your dh is in the bath, plop the baby in his lap. Dh here didn’t have a bath to himself for more than two years. They both loved the time together.

[caringcarer]

Baby must come first. Could your do help his friend to find alternative accommodation?

[coconutpie]

Glad that your DH has told him no. However, keep your guard up - do not allow this friend to stay even for one night because you will not be able to get rid of him.

[willowmelangell]

Hell no! Tell dp to send him some house share links.
Definitely a hill to die on OP. Who knows what germs or illegal stuffs he would bring with him.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

Not a fucking chance!

I would be telling my dp, of he was that worried about the friend being homeless, be should go rent a flat with him.

Why can't he rent his own flat?

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

Its actually really weird that this guy is pushing for this so much.

[Feelingconfused2020]

It sounds like you've got your hands full with a baby and a manchild.

[Anniegetyourgun]

£200 a month is what one of my DC used to pay in keep 7 years ago, when he was unemployed. It was his suggestion and it turned out to be a pretty accurate estimate of what he cost. I can't imagine you'd be in profit nowadays if that's all your unwelcome lodger would be paying.

Also we lived in a 3 bed house so there was room, and he did all his own laundry and washing up and cooked for us all two or three evenings a week. Oh, and he doesn't smoke. Had a slight tendency to listen to German heavy metal without headphones, but everyone's got to have a hobby, right? On the whole I did miss him when he moved out to get a job and a life the other end of the country. But that was my son. Not a random bod with Habits whose own family are making excuses not to put him up.

[Onekidnoclue]

Perhaps tell DH you find his friend incredibly attractive and don’t think you could control your lust if he was about all the time?

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

No-I said no to my lovely brother and it’s a hell no to your friend.

[Dogwalks2]

New dads can have some crazy ideas, my husband suggested we buy a Cumbrian farm with his old schoolmate when we had our first born. Shock horror I didn’t agree. As such 22 years on he is still my husbands best friend and I adore his wife i don’t think that would have happened if we had followed the plan.

[LouiseTrees]

@cherrybun01

he is very much a people pleaser and does worry what his friends think of him. said friend has been known to take the piss before. he is also friends with my brother in law (dh brother) and has caused problems in his relationship previously by turning up uninvited every evening which is no exaggeration.

friend is really turning it up a notch this time telling my dh he will be homeless etc. even though he has family and other friends who live down here. we are the only ones who have a baby as well

Ask your DH to ask him why his family aren’t putting him up?

[AmICrazyorWhat2]

@LouiseTrees. I was thinking exactly the same thing- if his family won’t have him, there’s a reason!

So glad your DH has said no. You’re a family now and your child’s welfare comes first, not to mention you needing a home office. What a cheeky person!

[Ghosts2020]

Do what I did with a similar "friend" and put your foot down, I think people should always have their own friendships in relationships but after knowing your pain the only way out is tough love, say that you have a family to think about now and more serious work prospects, and that quite frankly the friend isn't the type of person you want around your child. Also reiterate the reasons for not having them there, with my partner I pointed out we had evolved as people and his friend was still taking drugs, trying to get my partner into bad situations and had no prospects and that we ultimately ran in different circles. Haven't seen the friend in 2 years.

[Kisskiss]

I think this is the first unanimous vote I’ve seen on mumsnet

[MulticolourMophead]

Perhaps your DH could tell you why his own family aren't putting him up? I would bet it's for similar reason to yours.

Your DH should be putting you and DD first, and not inflicting this person on you.

It's obvious that this friend will expect food, beer and maid service for laundry, etc, for his miserly £200 a month, so you end up out of pocket just for him staying there, and you'll end p with the rage that he doesn't lift a finger.

And he's still pushing because he knows your DH is a pushover.

Keep saying NO, very, very firmly.

[Heffalooomia]

@Onekidnoclue

Perhaps tell DH you find his friend incredibly attractive and don’t think you could control your lust if he was about all the time?

Or suggest a threesome...

[Tarantallegra]

I was inclined to say I'd let him sleep on the sofa for a week while looking for a room to rent if he really is going to be homeless. Then I saw that this won't happen "for a few weeks", that's more than enough time to find a room so if he is made homeless it's entirely his own fault. I do worry that he won't bother and just show up anyway to guilt you into it, your dp needs to be very firm so he doesn't try to pull this sort of stunt.

[iguanadonna]

Massive no. No reasons or excuses or negotiations. This is an obvious no.

But as people have pointed out, the problem here is your DH thinking it was even ok to ask you, let alone ask you repeatedly. He needs to get a spine and start empathizing with you, not knobhead friends.

Be totally clear on this with him, because it's going to set a tone for the future.

[CharityDingle]

@Tarantallegra

I was inclined to say I'd let him sleep on the sofa for a week while looking for a room to rent if he really is going to be homeless. Then I saw that this won't happen "for a few weeks", that's more than enough time to find a room so if he is made homeless it's entirely his own fault. I do worry that he won't bother and just show up anyway to guilt you into it, your dp needs to be very firm so he doesn't try to pull this sort of stunt.

No, no, no. He shouldn't get a foot inside the door. Before they know it they would be stuck with him, while his family all heave a collective sigh of relief that they didn't even have to fob him off very much, and that some other mug is stuck with him.

Fuck that 'people pleaser' shit that I see so often mentioned on here. If DH wants to live with him, then they move in together ELSEWHERE.

[Tarantallegra]

@CharityDingle Yes I agree with you, it would only be in the scenario of someone actually being homeless right now that I'd want to help with a time limit and not allow them to get comfy with a room or bed. In this scenario there is still plenty of time to stop this from happening.

I "helped out" a family member and they didn't budge for well over a year so I will never be making that mistake again.

[OldEvilOwl]

watch he doesnt try and kip on your sofa for a couple of nights - you will never get rid of him

[justilou1]

I came back to say exactly what PP just said. Don’t be surprised if you start getting pressured to put him up until he can find a place of his own. (But he won’t look...)

[dentydown]

Oh god! No! What if one of you had a temperature and YOU ALL had to isolate in the tiny 2 bed flat. You in your corner in the room working away, him sleeping in the bed at the other end, your baby and your husband. It paints a grim picture!

[moanyhole]

no way and dont bow to just one or 2 nights either or you'll be stuck with him