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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want his friend to move in

243 replies

cherrybun01 · 29/09/2020 19:25

hi all,

being told I'm unfeeling apparently but I really dont think I am, however of course I could be being biased due to previous experience and lack of sleep!

me and dh have a 9 month old. we live in a 2 bed apartment of okay size, with kitchen, 1 bathroom and a front room plus the 2 bedrooms. my partners friend has asked him if he can move in. I have said no for the following reason:

  • the room he would occupy is my babys nursery and is going to be my office space when I go back to work soon, temporarily. baby currently sleeps in our room. I wouldnt want a lodger in our babies nursery anyway as all their play things are in there, without the fact it's going to be where all my office things are.

I have been argued that we could put babies things elsewhere and that my office area will only be taking a corner and friend could use the rest of the space

  • we lived briefly with this friend before a few years ago when we didnt have a baby and I hated it. became very much a lad house, with fifa constantly and beers and me generally feeling like a third wheel in my own home. so naturally I'm not keen on our family home potentially becoming like this again. feels unfair on me and our baby.
  • said friend is an avid weed smoker who last time completely stunk his room out with it. I cannot think of anything worse than this smell being in my babies future room.
  • I turned my own brother down for similar reasons some months ago.

I have been told I am unfair, unfeeling and that I am loosing us 200 pound a month he would give us. we dont need the money. his friend wont let it drop, keeps asking dh to try and persuade me. I had hoped no would of been enough but apparently not!

AIBU?

OP posts:
BumbleFlump · 29/09/2020 23:06

Hell NO!

viques · 29/09/2020 23:13

The very fact that he thinks £200 is a reasonable rent for a room , [presumably to include his share of the council tax, utilities, tv add ons etc etc] shows him up for the taker that he is. Does your husband really think breathing second hand tobacco and skunk smoke is going to be good for the baby? That it would be right and professional for you to wfh in someone's bedroom? I can imagine the zoom calls if he fancies a lie in one morning!!!

There are clearly very good reasons why his own blood relatives are making excuses about not housing this loser.

If your husband really is a people pleaser maybe he ought to start thinking about how he can please his nearest and dearest.

MilkOfThePuppy · 29/09/2020 23:16

Ah, I see now that he had a job, but now doesn't. Oh well. Surely he has some savings (or else how is he going to pay you this generous £200/month?), so he can find somewhere he can afford to stay, where there are people who actually want a lodger (i.e. not you).

The fact that his own family won't take him in is telling. If he does end up homeless, he can go grovelling to them. They're more likely to feel sorry for him than I'd be.

(I'm still fairly confident he'll find someone to guilt into letting him move in. I just wouldn't let it be me!)

HappyBumbleBee · 29/09/2020 23:19

Tell DH to tell his friend to come and ask you himself.....then tell him exactly where to go! Yadnbu

MoonJelly · 29/09/2020 23:30

I not at all surprised friend is keen - £200 a month would be great for rent, let alone rent plus bills plus (I suspect) food and laundry. Plus, of course, if he has no job to come to you probably won't see even that much. Presumably it's not a surprise to him that he's returning to the UK, he's had months to sort something out and will certainly manage to do so if you firmly say no. He is clearly not the type ever to let himself become homeless.

Lillygolightly · 30/09/2020 00:14

Oh god do not do this!!!

Had a similar situation years ago just after DD2 was born, she was just weeks old. DH’s friend (I considered him a friend too) was renting out his place and had a one way ticket to travel abroad. Friend asked DH to help him with packing on moving day, low and behold a few hours and a few beers later it turns out friend hasn’t sorted out a place to stay for the 6 weeks before his flights and asked DH if he could stay with us. DH did ask me first but said he’d basically already said yes and just said he had to check with me first. I felt like I would be a complete cow to say no and knowing it was definitely temporary I reluctantly agreed. So DH and friend come home with friends bags, the nursery I’d had set up did DD2 had to be emptied to make room for friends things and a blow up bed. No problem, DD2 being just weeks old was still in with us anyway. The shocker though was friends GF turning up at tea time and then staying over. I assumed she might just be staying the night, but the next day she had moved her stuff in too!!! She didn’t even live with him in his own flat (she lived with her parents) but saw fit to move herself into our house, no discussion, no asking, nothing! I was absolutely hopping mad and made this clear, still she fucking stayed. It was bad enough having an extra adult in the house with 2 kids one of which was just a few weeks old, but having his GF there just really tipped me over the edge.

I was coming down in the mornings and having to move beer cans and bottles left around the place. I’m cooking and cleaning for 2 extra people, I’m rinsing other peoples hair off my shower/bath before I or the kids can use it. In all the time they were there the only contribution was a food and fucking alcohol, which with a new baby was of little use to me and frankly something I could do without.

I was so so stupid to agree, it made what should have been a lovely time with new baby DD2, so so stressful. I ended up completely losing my shit towards the end and friend was a friend no more. Never got so much as a thanks, kiss my ass nothing. I bitterly regret not having more backbone and just saying no, instead of feeling sorry and guilty for another adult who could have sorted themselves out. I now realise that it’s not that he didn’t have other places he could go or other people he could stay with, it was just that he thought he’d get a nice easy ride at ours and have fun hanging out drinking with DH. Neither he or his GF stopped to consider for one moment the impact it might have on me (just having had a baby) or the impact it might have on my children, they literally didn’t give a shiny shit. More fool me!!!

Honestly OP, stick to your guns and don’t be guilted into anything. It’s entirely reasonable to say NO and to keep saying NO for as many times as is necessary for your DH and his stoner mate to get the sodding message.

rainingallspring · 30/09/2020 00:20

As you get older and more mature, particularly now you have a child, your dh is someone you will likely outgrow.

rainingallspring · 30/09/2020 00:22

@Lillygolightly your husband is the asshole
in this instance.

Imworthit · 30/09/2020 01:06

Who clicked you are being unreasonable what on earth 😂

Mistymonday · 30/09/2020 01:37

Sounds like a safeguarding issue to me. Definite no. YANBU

Coyoacan · 30/09/2020 01:46

It's telling that you already lived with him and yet he is just your dh's friend. No way

icelollycraving · 30/09/2020 02:32

I’d be willing your husband, if he moves in, you’ll move out before. He will need more than £200 to pay you maintenance. Presumably you’ve pointed out what a disaster it was last time and that if he considers putting your baby at risk, then he is a pretty shit dad and husband. £200 Grin how will he be paying that with no job? Why is he coming back?!
On this you need to be really rock solid as your husband has no backbone. I’d be pointing out the risks to your baby and your home by having this prince even visit. If you’re in a flat, I’m guessing your neighbours will not want to smell weed so you’d be pissing off your neighbours too.
No, no, no.

Suzi888 · 30/09/2020 02:44

“ I’m guessing your neighbours will not want to smell weed so you’d be pissing off your neighbours too. “
Who may well call social services.... baby, drugs good combo Hmm if that’s not good enough reason to say no, I don’t know what is.

Nikori · 30/09/2020 03:22

His own family don't even want him to stay. Don't start making suggestions of places he can go or look at, this 100% isn't your problem.

It's just a straight up no, end of conversation.

So true! My very much EX DH moved a couple into our house without even consulting me. The idea was that the wife would take care of our baby and the husband would do building work. I should have put my foot down HARD but he announced it to me in front of them and the person who'd introduced them half an hour before.

It sounds like the movie Mother! Well, hopefully with a different ending!

HoppingPavlova · 30/09/2020 04:07

Just say no, the end, no further discussion.
If it is mentioned again, tell your DH he is free to make choice between his mate moving in and you and your child moving out and don’t discuss further than that.

Kisskiss · 30/09/2020 04:15

Of course YANBU. Putting aside the fact that he sounds like a nightmare to love with, you don’t have room!! You’re in a 2 bed with a baby.. if he’s going to be homeless and jobless maybe he should just stay put in the country he’s in currently??
Aso, you mentioned he has family near you.. his sister may have ‘no room’, but neither do you guys... if your Dh keeps pushing, tell him you want your mum to move in Grin

justilou1 · 30/09/2020 04:23

Sounds like there is a very good reason why this guy is single and works odd jobs. Ask your husband why this bloke lives like he’s in his late teens. He is absolutely not an appropriate person to be living with a baby. Your husband knows this. Of course he can rent somewhere. He’s obviously budgeting his weed and alcohol expenses. Maybe he should just bloody grow up.

custardbear · 30/09/2020 04:23

Bloody hell no! They're not students ffs you've got a baby and responsibilities it's not a doss house - besides you don't have space either, like his sister!

Be firm with your DH, say it's non negotiable, you said no to your own brother and that would damage your relationship with your brother anyway imagine how he'd feel if you let a mate live there but not him

custardbear · 30/09/2020 04:24

Look on some sort of rental site and see if there are rooms for rent in the area

Also you can't put yourselves at risk of Covid as he's travelled from abroad 🤨

Wakeupalready · 30/09/2020 04:32

Message the friend yourself and tell him it will not be happening.
Cut out the piss weak middle man (DH).

rebecca102 · 30/09/2020 04:33

If I was you I'd say if he moves in the baby and I move out, take your pick.

There are so many reasons to say no. You've already lived with him, you know how it will play out and the fact he smokes weed, yuck! The baby needs their own space to play in and have quiet time. If you allow him to move in and he's paying money then he is essentially allowed to have people over when he wants. The list goes on..

BedknobsNoBroomsticks · 30/09/2020 04:35

My exh did this. I hated it.

Does your dh not care about your feelings? If he carried on insisting this 'friend/user' moved in I would be phoning a divorce lawyer.

Minimumstandard · 30/09/2020 04:51

Why would you want a third adult in a small flat with one bathroom, even if they were the nicest person on earth? When my parents/in laws come to stay, it starts to feel cramped after a few days and that's in a decent sized house with two bathrooms.

Your problem isn't this friend, it's having a DH who would even suggest this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2020 04:53

My dh has a tendency to offer stuff to people without asking me first. It is immaturity, the desire to be “seen as” generous / the financially successful one etc and a lack of critical thinking. This has created some absolutely blazing rows as he is not willing to mop up his mess. We have lost friends - who didn’t really like me but gave him the adoration he required and loved to take, take, take (jealous users) - over it when I finally stood up for myself. Never as bad as moving someone in though thank goodness but very costly financially....

FlatandFabulous · 30/09/2020 05:22

You need to contact the friend directly and tell him it is not happening under any circumstances and to stop hassling your DH about it. Personally I would say "you know DH is a soft touch and you are taking the absolute piss. I'm not getting into the many reasons it would be so inappropriate for you to be living with us right now and you are no friend of DH's to put him in such an awkward situation, what part of NO don't you understand". But I am a stroppy cow.....