to not want his friend to move in

[cherrybun01]

hi all,

being told I'm unfeeling apparently but I really dont think I am, however of course I could be being biased due to previous experience and lack of sleep!

me and dh have a 9 month old. we live in a 2 bed apartment of okay size, with kitchen, 1 bathroom and a front room plus the 2 bedrooms. my partners friend has asked him if he can move in. I have said no for the following reason:

• the room he would occupy is my babys nursery and is going to be my office space when I go back to work soon, temporarily. baby currently sleeps in our room. I wouldnt want a lodger in our babies nursery anyway as all their play things are in there, without the fact it's going to be where all my office things are.

I have been argued that we could put babies things elsewhere and that my office area will only be taking a corner and friend could use the rest of the space

• we lived briefly with this friend before a few years ago when we didnt have a baby and I hated it. became very much a lad house, with fifa constantly and beers and me generally feeling like a third wheel in my own home. so naturally I'm not keen on our family home potentially becoming like this again. feels unfair on me and our baby.

• said friend is an avid weed smoker who last time completely stunk his room out with it. I cannot think of anything worse than this smell being in my babies future room.

• I turned my own brother down for similar reasons some months ago.

I have been told I am unfair, unfeeling and that I am loosing us 200 pound a month he would give us. we dont need the money. his friend wont let it drop, keeps asking dh to try and persuade me. I had hoped no would of been enough but apparently not!

AIBU?

[Lurchermom]

"it won't save us £200p/m because I'll have to spend £700p/m on a new flat."

[TOFO1965]

Cripes, I’d move out. This is ridiculous. Your partner doesn’t sound all that mature.

[Spiderbaby8]

haha 99% YANBU, you are totally right, don't accept it!

[mummmy2017]

Ask your husband if he wants a love life?
Ask him how he will stop friend eatting your food? As friend will expect to be fed for free.
Ask your husband is he wants to be laughed at for being a mug, by your other friends.
Ask your husband if he has found a new flat to live in with his friend?

[BenoneBeauty]

Another YANBU.

[greyblueeyes]

OP, I wouldn't like this at all. The fact that your DH can't say no to his friend is worrying.

I would tell DH that having a pot smoker in the home could get SS involved. A neighbor could smell it, and knowing a baby lived there, report it. I'm sure that there is little risk of that happening, but is even a tiny risk worth it? Does your DH care more about the "friend" than his own baby?

I would be very hurt and angry in your position. Your husband is choosing the easy way for him instead of doing right by his family. I'm sorry, OP. Don't back down.

[Tistheseason17]

This "friend" is not your responsibility - he needs to grow up.

[EmJay19]

I posted YABU by accident I’m sorry. Of course YANBU! DH is being a twat for asking

[canigohomenow]

[canigohomenow]

'No sorry mate, that's the baby's bedroom. Hope you sort it.'

On repeat. What a weirdo.

[russelhobbs]

Your dh sounds like a fool. It doesn't matter about the weed or anything. Friend could be the nicest person in the world but you don't want someone else moving into your home. That's a good enough reason.

[Shizzlestix]

So bizarre! He’s obviously picked on your dh as his soft touch mate thinking he’d crumble. Of course he can’t stay, where would you work/put the baby? Illogical. Your dh needs to put the baby and you first, not his weed smoking layabout mate.

[msflibble]

Fuck no you're not being unreasonable.

1. he's an adult, he can sort his own accommodation
   
2. who on earth would want to host a selfish pushy twat whose own family don't want to put him up?
   Your DH needs to grow a spine right now. Jesus.

[Oncemorewithfeelin]

Contact the mate directly and tell him to piss off he’s not sponging off you and to go bother someone else about it.

[oakleaffy]

No way! £200 pcm ?? Insanely low. Plus he smokes and drinks and this isn't good with a young child in the house.

No, no, and no again.

[Msmcc1212]

YANBU. Categorically! No question. Can’t believe your partner is even contemplating it.

[RedToothBrush]

@cherrybun01

I have said no and will definitley not be changing my mind, it's more the guilt tripping from supposed friend claiming they will be homeless and that I'm unfeeling.

he is currently working abroad but is returning within a few weeks so needs to find work over here and somewhere to live. his whole family (mum, brother, sister) live within 10 minutes of me so not sure why this is mine and dh problem, although apparently his sister has no room and his mum has said no as their relationship is a little frosty. I can completely see how he has managed to make my dh feel bad but it doesnt wash with me. I care about my baby and her home not his issues - I heard it all the last time we lived with him.

This 'friend' is not yours or your husban's responsibility.

If he will become homeless then unfortunately its not your problem its his. No amount of emotional blackmail obliges you any differently.

[Serin]

£200 per month?

An average student room is about £130 a week!
No way would this be happening.

[notalwaysalondoner]

Absolutely not! DH and I live with a housemate (no children) but you have to be 100% convinced you want the person in your house and be fully on board. It’s a huge decision and you can’t get away from the other person, especially in a small flat. We lived with someone for a year who we didn’t get on with so well and it’s a horrible feeling not feeling relaxed in your own home as someone is there you find annoying. Just say no.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

@Aquamarine1029

Tell your husband to fuck right off. You have a baby now and this friend living with you is simply not happening. I would be telling your husband that there will be no further discussion about it.

This would be my reaction, too.

No negotiation on this. And no letting him sneak in under cover of - "Well, he's got somewhere but he can't move in for two weeks . . . " cr*p either.

No, no and 1,000x NO!

[Heffalooomia]

tell him you are not looking for a lodger and the subject is now closed

[Mumisnotmyonlyname]

You could share your office with a lodger? I'd tell your DH to sod off. Just say no and do t budge.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

Just as a matter of interest - would that £200/month be rent only, or would you be expected to feed him as well? And would he be offering more to cover increases in gas and electric as well as the rent?

I'll bet he wouldn't be offering anything further towards utilities, and nothing towards food. And what about his washing and cleaning up after him?

Sod that for game of soldiers!

The hin to FOTTFSOF and then FO some more!

What a chancer!

[MilkOfThePuppy]

I think I'd put an end to it by asking your husband if he'd rather live with his friend or his wife and daughter, because that's ultimately the choice. You don't want to have this "friend" as a lodger, and the home is as much yours as his, unless he wants to split.

I'd also inform your husband that it's deeply unattractive when a man would rather please his weed-addled friend than prioritise his own wife and child.

It's very unlikely he'll actually find himself homeless if you don't take him into your home, but if so, it's his own fault. He's an adult with a job. He may need to spend less on beer and weed, but I'm sure he'll manage somehow.

No way would I have him back in my home, and that's that!

[madcatladyforever]

Absolutely not it will be bloody awful. I've had experience of this as my first husband was bloody selfishand was always filling the house with awful lodgers when my son was that age. It was hell.
It will be great for them and shit for you, always trying to work around them, shield the baby, not have quiet, peace or room for anything.
You are a family now not a doss house.
Quite frankly I'd be telling your partner if his friend moves in you will be reconsidering the relationship as you were not happy the last time and you are not doing it again. Stick to your guns.
The mess too, it won't be them who will be expected to clean it up.