to not want his friend to move in

[cherrybun01]

hi all,

being told I'm unfeeling apparently but I really dont think I am, however of course I could be being biased due to previous experience and lack of sleep!

me and dh have a 9 month old. we live in a 2 bed apartment of okay size, with kitchen, 1 bathroom and a front room plus the 2 bedrooms. my partners friend has asked him if he can move in. I have said no for the following reason:

• the room he would occupy is my babys nursery and is going to be my office space when I go back to work soon, temporarily. baby currently sleeps in our room. I wouldnt want a lodger in our babies nursery anyway as all their play things are in there, without the fact it's going to be where all my office things are.

I have been argued that we could put babies things elsewhere and that my office area will only be taking a corner and friend could use the rest of the space

• we lived briefly with this friend before a few years ago when we didnt have a baby and I hated it. became very much a lad house, with fifa constantly and beers and me generally feeling like a third wheel in my own home. so naturally I'm not keen on our family home potentially becoming like this again. feels unfair on me and our baby.

• said friend is an avid weed smoker who last time completely stunk his room out with it. I cannot think of anything worse than this smell being in my babies future room.

• I turned my own brother down for similar reasons some months ago.

I have been told I am unfair, unfeeling and that I am loosing us 200 pound a month he would give us. we dont need the money. his friend wont let it drop, keeps asking dh to try and persuade me. I had hoped no would of been enough but apparently not!

AIBU?

So you'll be looking after the baby, washing, cooking, clearing up, ironing and everything else and your husband is willing to load more on to your shoulders, plus you'll be working from home, is your husband thick or do him and his cheeky fucker mate think you are?
To be honest I couldn't live with a wet lettuce bloke who's scared of his dickhead mate who nobody else wants in their home.

Btw, my husband is like this, it doesn’t get much better, you need to stake out your territory, in terms or your home, and your time.

Ps coming from overseas. Presumable he’ll quarantine in a hotel for 2 weeks first, right?

£200 isn't exactly a lot anyway , would you be expected to feed him
For that as well ?
Yanbu and i would feel same
You don't have room , smoking weed in house with a baby , all good reasons to day no , its not like your just putting him up for a week say in between homes

No, no, no. You won't have peace at home especially in the evenings (e.g. TV, talking to your DH).

Even if you had a three-bedroomed house I would say no because of the smoking, Covid and different lifestyle he would bring to your house.

But in a two-bedroomed house with a baby and your DH wants to give away her nursery!

If you let him in, you'll never get him out. Stick to your guns.

@lborgia

A people pleaser, but this doesn’t apply to his own wife? Lovely.

I was just thinking the same. A people pleaser but yet he wants to completely change the dynamic of his family home to one which will make you unhappy, and he is allowing his friend to slate you and not sticking up for you.

I would tell him straight to go do the right thing for his family and tell his friend to shut up asking and to stop talking shit about you and criticising you for not wanting someone to move into your family home.

Of course no one can make someone do anything, but that would affect my relationship with my dh if he wasn't willing to stick up for me and the family!

@WhatifIfeellikeacat that was also something I thought about, just the infringement of our family life having him there. the line of work he does, presuming he continues it back in this country, is standard hours, 9-5, so would never get any peace!

I would tell your Dh that if he asks again your willing for him to move out and in with his friend and then you'll let your own brother move in not a shit stirring friend who clearly wants to be a 2nd child to you and take your dhs attention off your baby....cheeky fecker.

Sometimes, when people are as ignorant as this friend, you have no choice but to rope in an outside (preferably professional) opinion. Can you contact the health visitor tomorrow? Speak openly and honestly about what is being proposed and what it actually entails. And also mention what pp said about the looming lockdown and what the ideal circumstances would be in the household in that scenario. But aside from all of that, YANBU. Even if he didn't smoke weed or doss about playing games. You're a new mum full of anxieties and your partner should be siding with you, not him.

No. Fucking. Way.

His own family are wise to him. Your DH needs to wise up PDQ

DH's friend is a grown man who needs to make his own living arrangements, not trying to guilt trip his friends.

Yours is not a doss house - it's a home with a young baby who deserves its parents full attention, it's own space and air that's not drug fuelled.

Personally I'd be furious that DH suggested it and as for guilt tripping you - well turn that on it's head.

He should be feeling guilty for even suggesting this and putting his friend above his partner and daughter.

I'd tell my dh it absolutely wasn't happening and to tell his friend NO!
If I heard anymore about I'd tell the friend myself.
YA100%NBU

said friend is an avid weed smoker who last time completely stunk his room out with it.

Never in a million years.

Not your responsibility. I wouldn't give a second thought to saying no.

If your DP goes on about it tell him to shut the fuck up, the discussion is over.

Can you contact the health visitor tomorrow?
Please don't rope anyone else in neither professional or otherwise.
It's simple. Stand your ground.
NO!
End of problem.

You don't want anybody else living with you.
You don't have room.
You absolutely hated having him live with you before so you are not going to repeat the experience.
You don't want your flat and DC's room stinking of weed.

Your so called DH is being VVU. If he is being such a wet lettuce and a twat you will have to tell Weedo yourself he is not welcome.

@cherrybun01

he is very much a people pleaser and does worry what his friends think of him. said friend has been known to take the piss before. he is also friends with my brother in law (dh brother) and has caused problems in his relationship previously by turning up uninvited every evening which is no exaggeration.

friend is really turning it up a notch this time telling my dh he will be homeless etc. even though he has family and other friends who live down here. we are the only ones who have a baby as well

Men who are "people pleasers" never give a fuck about pleasing their wives, do they?

So if he is jobless how will he pay the £200 per month, which is a pathetic amount

If he is going to be homeless then he goes to a local homeless charity, or the council to see what they can provide if his family won’t help him out ( which in itself says volumes)

Or he stays where he is

He stayed before. So you can hand on heart say "No way never again!!!"

Say no. He can find somewhere else to live, as a grown adult.

Start moving everything for the Nursery and the office into that room.

Coming from overseas he'll need to quarantine elsewhere.. and COVID regulations stop anyone moving or even visiting your home, period.

What part of that does your partner not understand.

Also if he can afford to buy weed then he can afford the rent to live somewhere else!

If he can afford to pay to stay with you then he can afford to pay to live somewhere else. You aren't making him homeless, he's being ridiculous.

Tell your DH if he's so desperate to live with him he can move into his own place with him

He's not a friend and your partner needs to grow a fucking backbone. If he wants to be a people pleaser he can start with you and his child!! Do not let him anywhere near your place. If he ends up on the street that's his fucking problem, not yours. Jesus he even had a chance to prove himself before but acted like a teenager. I'd be going ballistic if this was even considered a possibility for one more second than now. Seriously, draw a big hard line in the sand right now. This is a total deal breaker in my book.

Men who are "people pleasers" never give a fuck about pleasing their wives, do they?

So true! My very much EX DH moved a couple into our house without even consulting me. The idea was that the wife would take care of our baby and the husband would do building work. I should have put my foot down HARD but he announced it to me in front of them and the person who'd introduced them half an hour before.

He constantly put me in situations where he came across as kind an generous and I would be the big bitch if I didn't go along with his plans, which usually involved gross violations of what I considered normal privacy.

Don't want to hijack the thread, just gratified that everyone thinks this arrangement is unthinkable.

OP, don't go along with it. Show him this thread. If he insists, let him get a flat with his pal, or leave and get your own place. I did, and have never had a moment's regret.

It doesn’t matter if you live in a 15 room apartment and he was offering you £20k a month. You don’t want to live with him. That is a good enough reason to say no.